I Have a Confession

kaylatee0

Friends,

This is very long, and I needed to write this selfishly, to be able to gather my thoughts, but I’m posting it in Motivation and Support in hopes that this might help some of you that battle with same demon as I.

The original intent of this was just for my private blog, as a letter to myself so excuse the length! This was written about a week ago:


I have a confession..

A confession that I have to first make to myself and put into words, onto paper in order to realize that what I’m dealing with is real.

7 months ago I started a journey of weight loss, a journey where I decided to keep it simple, quit eating so much food at night, start exercising more, start making my meals, tracking my calories and eating a little more healthy. I lost weight, I lost .5-2 lbs per week 3ish months, I was getting compliments, I felt amazing, I felt in control! For a systematic person such as myself.. to be able to perform X to get result Y and have it completely within my control felt amazing, I felt like I was turning into the person I wanted to be, the first time the scale got under 130 I cried my eyes out, I never thought I would see this day. Did I have days where I ate up to and over maintenance? Yup. Did I feel guilt? Nope, I just kept doing my thing.

Then something happened, I stalled for 2 weeks and I said “Hey, I’m going to change my MFP target from .5/wk to 2lb/wk and see what happens”. Why, hello 1200 calories! Eat back exercise? Nah. 1-3 hrs of cardio per day, NET of 200-500 calories per day and BAM 5 pounds in 2 weeks. Perfect! Just the “jump start I needed”. I ignored the headaches, the dizziness and my new menstrual cycle giving me TOM every other week.

But I was good, from 143.8 to 118.6 in 3ish months! People told me I was skinny.. hell I was under 120 pounds! What a dream!

Except I hated myself, I would stand in the mirror and pinch my fat, turn to the side and slouch my shoulders, change my outfit 10 times, cry, get mad at my boyfriend for no reason, and a snap at my employees at work.

Christmas week came and I had my first binge since I started, I fell hard.. ate myself sick every other day for a good week, one day binge, one day at 1200 calories and a ton of cardio.

Then I got back on the wagon! Ate 1400-1500 per day for the first few weeks of Jan, finally racked up the courage to weigh myself and 117 LBS! 117 FREAKIN POUNDS!!! I think I actually jumped for joy. You mean, I can just eat like a pig, and restrict for a few days and LOSE weight! WTF! Awesome!!

This was 3 days before I went on a cruise, I was so scared of gaining weight. The day before we left I started binging, I had muffins, frappucinos, brownies, sandwiches oh god it was AWFUL. My stomach hurt so bad I couldn’t sleep that night.

Next morning we got up and went to the airport, the whole ride there I struggled “do I stay strict?” “you only get one chance like this, enjoy!” “ You have the rest of your life to be a health nut!” Well, to make a long trip short, I ate myself into extreme stomach pain every day. This was a typical day on my cruise: Breakfast of muesli and a muffin, Run for 45 minutes, Breakfast again with my family of waffles, bacon, donuts. Lunch of pasta, pizza, chicken fingers fries. Snacks of cookies and brownies. Dinner was 4 courses and the night was finished with some caramel corn. Did I mention I made 2-3 buffet trips every meal? Oh and like 5 Pina Coladas every day.

I had no self control, I scared myself. I didn’t know I was capable of being like that.

After all was said and done, water weight shed, I gained about 5-6 lbs. I left at 117 and returned at 125ish.

But I returned a new woman (or so I thought). This hours and hours cardio BS, stopped now! I just kept with my 4 Half Marathon training runs per week and the rest of the time lifting, and lifting heavy! I’ve designed a fairly comprehensive lifting plan that targets all muscle groups, and I’m definitely seeing definition! I was going to eat 1600 calories per day I decided, lose slow and steady!

I would do good for a few days, and then binge, go out for dinner, bring home fast food, be good for a few days. I’d slip once and throw the whole day away. My weight went up or down within a 4 pounds range all this time, no real results.

All this time I’ve been obsessed with 2 things. Instagram and MFP Forums.

On Instagram I created an account where I follow about 90 people made up of primarily WBFF/NPA/IBFF fitness competitors, primarily people who started overweight.. you know, for motivation right?.. I copy their exercises, eat what they eat, beat myself up for not having their self control, their dedication, their abs. CONSTANTLY on IG. I would look at them, look at myself, tell myself I’m a failure, and eat cheesecake for dinner. And during my cheesecake dinner I would cry “<Insertinstagramnamehere> WOULD NEVER DO THIS”

On MFP forums, I just read, read read and read. Hardly contribute, but just read the forums nonstop. That’s it.

One of the girls I follow on IG posted that she broke her “calorie counting addiction” and eats according to her hunger signals with 1-2 meals out per week and is seeing results. So I thought, I should do that! I can’t let food control me like this!
So for a few weeks I basically ate above maintenance and went out for dinner a whole bunch, all while lying to myself that I was “not letting food control me anymore”

Ya. Right. Food hadn’t ever had more control over me than it did those few weeks. Oh, and +2 pounds after that “experiment”

All I think about is food: Should I eat that? OMG Am I going to binge tomorrow? What if my mom doesn’t have anything healthy when I go to her house? Should I stop and get 370cal bagel now, just in case all she has is pasta?

What happened to me? For 3 months it was so easy, easy to say no to muffins every day and just do my thing, but now.. now, this is my life:

All I do is look at myself: Every reflective surface, mirror in a store, bathroom at work. In fact, I walk past two bathrooms to get to the one I like at work because the mirrors catch on an angle and I can see my love handles and tell myself that at 118 pounds I was SO much thinner. Before I leave work in the morning, I put a chair in front of my full length mirror and sit in it, to see how my fat spills over my pants. Did I mention I’m 5’2 and about 125 pounds? There isn’t much fat there, some but not much.

All I do is lie to myself so that I can eat more: I can’t act like I’ll never eat fries again, I deserve some right now. I ran 10K, I deserve a cheeseburger meal. I just bought a house, I “deserve” a large Skor blizzard, I skipped the gym tonight.. may as well go to A and W, There’s nothing healthy on this menu.. So I’ll get the worst thing on there .. AND DESSERT!.. Tomorrows always a better day, with brighter plans.

So here I am, sitting in my pair of Size 3 “Wednesday” Jeans that I bought at 118 pounds, that at 125 today pounds are a big “snug” they still fit, but a lot tighter than before and SO uncomfortable. Why are they called “Wednesday Jeans”? Because I force myself to wear them every Wednesday and as I jump and kick to hike to hike them up, I make a mental assessment regarding whether or not they are tighter or looser than last Wednesday, thus indicating whether or not I got fatter.

Anyway, In my Wednesday jeans I am making a confession. I am vulnerable, and I am insecure.. what sort of confession is that? Well, that’s not what I am confessing. What I am confessing is that I am normal, I am just like everyone else, I battle with my inner demons and have weaknesses just like the rest of the world.

I am confessing to myself that I am not special, regardless of how many times I try and tell myself that “that doesn’t apply to me” and “they don’t know what they are talking about”, I cannot beat science.

In order to win this game I need to do two things: Love myself for who I am today and work hard to achieve who I want to be tomorrow.

I am here to tell you that I get it now, I understand now. I’ve been unsuccessful for more months than I was successful, but I get it now.

NOTHING I repeat NOTHING is worth self sabotage and hating yourself.

It’s been just over a week since I wrote this, I deleted my Instagram of “motivation” and I threw away my Wednesday jeans.. they were ugly anyway. It’s time to focus on me, do what works for me, quit obsessing so much and live my life.

Do I want my tombstone to read “Amazing Friend, Daughter, Calorie Counter and Gym Rat” No. I want calorie counting and the gym to be tools that help me be an Amazing Friend and Daughter, I don’t what them to define me.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, so quit telling yourself it starts tomorrow.

elghee123

Do you have any plans? I mean what are you going to do?

kaylatee0

The last 10 days have been great, I've been staying within my calories, and not obsessing.. it's been hard.. to really tell myself to not worry. One day at a time

chickpea75

Thank you so much for this post. I've been on Mfp for just over a month and can see myself going down that road....constantly reading posts, shutting out my family while I'm online, trying to 'up' my losses...
Thank you for the honesty. Reading your post I feel I can take a turn off this 'addictive' road and, hopefully, still reach my goals. In a healthier frame of mind.

Kelly_Runs_NC

Thank you for sharing this....the severe restriction happened to me a while back...binging and some purging too....I did overcome it and am healthy now. But you're right....losing self control like that is terrifiying...Head up. You can do this too. I promise it will worth it and get easier.

HollisGrant

Great post. I admire your honesty. It's good to write it all out and get it out of your system.

What's the point of all the weight loss and exercise? To be healthy and have a happy life. You don't seem happy right now. You might find some non-food and non-exercise activity, ideally with a goal you can achieve. Go back to college. Volunteer for a charity. Find something you're interested in that's not focused on food and your appearance. You can still aim for a healthy, active lifestyle, but putting another different activity in your life might help you find some balance. Good luck.

kagevf

at 125, what is your height?

im guessing you are in the healthy range

you can eat anything and not binge as long as it fits your daily allowance. i admit i binge too but once a day on weekends

instead of just dieting short term, why not change your thinking, lifestyle and habits.

kaylatee0

Thank you all for the kind words. I must say, I let this sit un-posted for a few hours before following through. It's amazing to be surrounded by a community of such great people! If I can stop someone from heading down this path, then my goal has been achieved.

We always tell ourselves "everything in moderation"... I now realize that's not just referring to cake... exercise and calorie counting needs to be done in moderation too!

Thank you for all of your support MFP Community

MysteriousMerlin

You're really brave for posting your struggles. I admire your courage! Best of luck!!

kaylatee0

at 125, what is your height?

im guessing you are in the healthy range

you can eat anything and not binge as long as it fits your daily allowance. i admit i binge too but once a day on weekends

instead of just dieting short term, why not change your thinking, lifestyle and habits.

I'm 5'2, certainly healthy. No doubt about it!

And you're right, I can eat anything, but my problem was that was eating everything. Too much of it, and I was constantly allowing myself to go over, and start over another day.

The whole point here, and I certainly can't expect everyone to read this novel LOL is that I've now realized the pitfalls of short term thinking and dieting for quick solutions.. and it created a very ugly lifestyle for me.

I now realize the importance of incorporating a healthy moderate diet into my lifestyle, and not making my life all about food.

A concept that took me a very long time to realize, let alone successfully adopt.

One of those "easier said than done" things. I could preach this a thousand times, but it took awhile for me to practice it myself

Lleldiranne

In order to win this game I need to do two things: Love myself for who I am today and work hard to achieve who I want to be tomorrow.

I am here to tell you that I get it now, I understand now. I’ve been unsuccessful for more months than I was successful, but I get it now.

NOTHING I repeat NOTHING is worth self sabotage and hating yourself.

It looks like you've found the most important keys to success here! Way to go, and keep it up!

It look a lot of courage to share this. Thanks

:flowerforyou:

PinUp2014

Thank you for being brave enough to share this.

81Katz

:flowerforyou: Kudos to you for your honesty and bravery. :flowerforyou:

shane_tac1

I posted something similar on another thread just now about Hyperbolic Discounting. Its about rewarding yourself right now as the pay off in the future seems too far away.

There is a good article about it here http://youarenotsosmart.com/2010/10/27/procrastination/

Your will power isn't weak at all.

This line sums it up

Capable psychonauts who think about thinking, about states of mind, about set and setting, can get things done not because they have more will power, more drive, but because they know productivity is a game of cat and mouse versus a childish primal human predilection for pleasure and novelty which can never be excised from the soul. Your effort is better spent outsmarting yourself than making empty promises through plugging dates into a calendar or setting deadlines for push ups.

The pro trainers have good and bad days as well I'm sure. No point comparing yourself to others. Looking at photos is looking at a snap shot of their life. Its not looking at the total make up of what goes on 24/7. Go at your own pace, set small goals and bigger goals. Pin your goals up on the fridge. Visualize how you want to look. Make it a blue print in your mind.
Don't get weighed down by your failures, learn from them and move on. I'm terrible for dwelling on any scew up I make both in my training and in life in general. I over analyse things and get mad at myself for not being perfect. I have to give myself a mental slap around the face sometimes. I will literally sit there and tell myself that by being stuck on it I have locked myself into a negative state of thinking which nothing good can come from. Mistakes and failures are there to learn from not beat ourselves up over.
Its hard sometimes but all part of being human i guess.
Good luck anyway. Sounds like you have come quite far so be proud of what you have achieved already not beat yourself up over what you havent.

kaylatee0

I posted something similar on another thread just now about Hyperbolic Discounting. Its about rewarding yourself right now as the pay off in the future seems too far away.

There is a good article about it here http://youarenotsosmart.com/2010/10/27/procrastination/

Your will power isn't weak at all.

This line sums it up

Capable psychonauts who think about thinking, about states of mind, about set and setting, can get things done not because they have more will power, more drive, but because they know productivity is a game of cat and mouse versus a childish primal human predilection for pleasure and novelty which can never be excised from the soul. Your effort is better spent outsmarting yourself than making empty promises through plugging dates into a calendar or setting deadlines for push ups.

The pro trainers have good and bad days as well I'm sure. No point comparing yourself to others. Looking at photos is looking at a snap shot of their life. Its not looking at the total make up of what goes on 24/7. Go at your own pace, set small goals and bigger goals. Pin your goals up on the fridge. Visualize how you want to look. Make it a blue print in your mind.
Don't get weighed down by your failures, learn from them and move on. I'm terrible for dwelling on any scew up I make both in my training and in life in general. I over analyse things and get mad at myself for not being perfect. I have to give myself a mental slap around the face sometimes. I will literally sit there and tell myself that by being stuck on it I have locked myself into a negative state of thinking which nothing good can come from. Mistakes and failures are there to learn from not beat ourselves up over.
Its hard sometimes but all part of being human i guess.
Good luck anyway. Sounds like you have come quite far so be proud of what you have achieved already not beat yourself up over what you havent.

Wow that is a great article! Defines us in many other aspects of lofe also!

Dleahy4444

Thank you so much for your post. It took a lot of courage to write it. I hope that you will be able to let go of your obsessions and enjoy your life. Good luck

Graelwyn75

This shows how very easy it is to start down the slippery slope towards obsession and an eating disorder.
I too, have used clothes in that way, spent hours in the mirror obsessing, spent evenings crying and calling myself names when the scale went up, even a pound, even if I had eaten well... but then, I used to have anorexia and have over two decades of on and off ED issues/mindsets behind me. I am still working on finding my balance, and certainly have lost patience for a lot of my old habits.
I could and would never do 1200 calories again, and have not restricted like that for over a decade. I eat over 2000 calories a day, to fuel my workouts, and lose weight on that.

Still have issues with the scale. I tend to be needing to learn the same as yourself...to love myself, without condition, or at least, to like myself, beyond what my body looks like, or weighs.
I also went through the whole binge cycle. I still have periodic days where I binge eat. I simply get back on track the next day now, rather than letting it spiral, remembering how terrible I felt after weeks of eating like that. It is a horrible feeling, to be so out of control.

In the end, I think it is definitely about finding a balance. I have to shake myself when I am getting too caught up in it, and remind myself that I am now 38, and that this mortal coil is not infinite. I have limited time to enjoy what is left of my life, and have wasted too much already with obsessions of one kind or another.

Good luck with freeing yourself from these chains, and feel free to add me for mutual support.

vjohn04

Sometimes it starts with addressing issues between the ears instead of focusing on the physical.

Thanks for bravely sharing your story. I'm sure most of the readers have been through some of the things you've shared... I know I did before I learned about what's appropriate for weight loss / fitness, and what isn't. I look back on some of the things I've done over the years, and have a hard time believing that I was that gullible / desperate/ silly to think what I was doing was 'healthy'.

If you haven't found someone to talk to about your struggles, it couldn't hurt to try this avenue--- for sanity's sake.

Good luck, and thanks again for sharing your stories.

cardbucfan

Thank you for your very honest post. There are sections of that I could have written. It's so hard to escape from the short term "diet" mindset most of us grew up on and have lived with to making it more about being healthy and happy and moving towards a fit lifestyle. I've been on MFP over 3 years. Lost all the weight I wanted, gained half back and now struggling to get back into the losing mode again. I keep fighting that short term fix demon and find myself eating well all day and then completely going off the rails at night. Good luck to you, it sounds like your head is on straight now and I hope I can learn from you.

thinkpositive92

Wow. Inspirational much? Thank you.

spickard34

Wow that was the most beautiful brutally honest thing I have read. It is true of most of us. I too have been there. Now I am trying to really force myself to look I the mirror and not see flaws but my beautiful self. I also am trying to focus on weekly cals the daily goal is 1725 I follow TDEE so I don't eat back work out cals. I use to do a workout video everyday and walk 40mins avoid night plans so I could do this. Now I am forcing my self to be okay with one workout if I can do two cool if not it will not be the end of the world. Thanks for posting this your amazing

sallyannnaidoo

I started on my weight lost journey on New Year's and I have lost a total of thirteen pounds. However I recently found out I am having issues with my thyroid because it is under active. Now I am so discouraged to actually get up and exercise. Do you guys have any advise in getting motivated to work out?! Thank you

glowgirl14

I could have almost written this...mine took a bit longer to get there. I lost from 200 down to 117. I lost the weight in a healthy way, but just like you, being under 120 did something to me mentally...it was the weight I could never attain. When I did, I got obsessed with food/exercise/clothing. Standing in front of mirrors wondering where the fat was going to come off next...freaking out when I did't have control of the food at someone's house/restaurants.

Same as you, I went on a trip. Mine was 5 weeks. It was filled with days of binges, followed by days of extreme cardio, followed by binges...That was in October/November of last year. Came home from that 11lbs heavier, and after the water weight came off, I also had a 5lb gain.

Still on MFP. Logging sporadically. Making excuses. Exercise some days, don't some days...and oh GOD the binges. Feeling sick. Hating myself. Punishing myself the next day with restrictive food and excessive exercise. Reading on the forums here, and elsewhere trying to find something that would get me back on track. Just trying to find some plan I could cling to until my brain kicked into gear. None of it worked...

Basically I have maintained at about 122 since I got back. I've been back to 118 a couple of times, up to 126 a couple of times, but mostly the scale stays between 121 and 123. I haven't recorded a loss in two months. What's to complain about though? I know exactly why I'm not losing weight. People see this stupid ticker and think I'm some kind of guru, and I feel like an imposter. "She's lost 76lbs, she must know what she's doing!" And I try to help, and watch these new people start recording losses...eating enough...logging...and here I am, feeling like my 200lb self. No self control. Obsessing over things.

I also have been struggling with how hard it was...like you, before that trip, it was so easy. I followed my plan. I lost weight. It wasn't fast, but that's ok. Because I was consistently eating within my calories, and consistently hitting macros, and consistently following my exercise plan. I didn't struggle with binges...I'd see "those foods" and want them, but it was a passing thought, not something I had to actually fight. I was floored, because I thought I was okay, and I guess I'm not.

It's hard to find a balance here...between obsession and self control...but I've been "back on track" for about 2 weeks now. This feels like it did before. Just following my plan. Just being normal. No binges, no crazy low calories. Making room for my treats in my plan. But I'm still a bit scared...and maybe that's a good thing. I don't want to ever experience the last few months again.

I applaud you for posting this. I guess I feel alone with this part of my life. I hate posting because - like you, I'm a healthy weight. At 5'4, I'm at the low end of healthy. I post on my newsfeed about being frustrated with my weight, and always wonder if my friends are annoyed. They're struggling to get to a healthy weight, and I am "thin". I want to think I'd be more understanding in their shoes, but I remember obesity. I remember just wanting to get into the overweight category. To not be obese anymore...I wonder if I would have deleted a friend like me...who can't just be satisfied where she is. But it's not about the weight, it's about the excess. The inconsistency. Obsession followed by strong doses of fukitol.

Anyway. Sorry for the long post. Like I said, I could have written this. It is really nice to see that I'm not alone.

kaylatee0

I must say, my intent in posting this was to tell others they weren't alone, not realizing that I didn't know that myself!!
Im inspired to hear the stories of others, you are all so amazing!