Committment phobe fiancee?
amandamiller1985
Posts: 11
I love my fiancée very much but every time I start searching for houses, he always goes 'maybe we should wait'. He is the one that brought house hunting up first. We want to get a house first since I owe a lot in student loans and if we get married and then get a house, we may not be able to since my student loans will also appear on his credit report too. He says that by next year we will not re-new our apartment lease and should be in a house but I highly doubt it. Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can bring this up to him without him being defensive? I have tried bringing this topic up on why he seems hesitant and he says 'I don't know where to start' or 'It's a scary thing to deal with'. I'm honestly on the border of telling him that if things don't start changing, I will be on the border to re-considering our relationship. Any advice would be helpful.
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I'm honestly on the border of telling him that if things don't start changing, I will be on the border to re-considering our relationship.
This right here worries me, these are not words you use just to get your way, and once you say them you can never take them back. I am wondering if you are really ready for this relationship because it is your job to support him just as much as the other way around.
He already told you the problem, he is scared and it is a big deal to buy your first house. Do some reasearch with him on how to buy a house. Talk to him about setting up a meeting with his bank to see how much of a morgage he would be able to do so you guys have a price range to work with. Have you guys saved up and have money for a down payment? It really is more complicated than just going to the mall, and financial conversations are always some of the hardest ones to have in a relationship.0 -
Got no idea how this is supposed to help lose weight....0
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You're not eating enough calories. Neither is he. It's making him scared and making you immature.0
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I would recommend a water fast.
In all seriousness, I would start by apologizing to him. Then I would "seriously reconsider" owning a home with someone that you would "seriously reconsider" ending a relationship with when you don't get your way.0 -
Not quite sure I would consider my fiance a commitment-phobe... particularly since they are committed enough to ask you to marry them... and after the OP, not sure why....
If he isn't ready to look for housees, then perhaps there is a reason... Owning a house is freaking expensive... what with the Mortgage, the insurance, the repairs, the maintence...
Anyway, this is a minor thing... seriously, very minor...
But, I agree with the poster that said to maybe set up an appointment with a loan officer to see what loans you can get and qualify.0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Your loans wont effect his credit report or score. Your debt is your debt, not his.
The only things that will show up on the other's is any loans you take out together.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
Buying a house is scary as hell!! It's a HUGE commitment and you want to make sure you take the time to find a house you really like and one that fits your budget. It's not something to rush into and it's not something one should be pressured into. it may also help to talk to a financial advisor and/or someone at your bank who can go over the financial aspects with you. Make sure your assumptions (like the student loan thing) are correct. There were some things I thought I knew about credit before buying a house and learned later I was very wrong (thought I had to pay off and close all my open credit lines - pay off was ok, pay down would've been better and closing was way wrong). Better to get your facts straight.
When Hubs and I bought our house, we had an awesome mortgage broker. He was available in the evenings and really helped us understand our credit, what we could find on our budget, etc. When we went through all that, Hubs was the one who was all gung ho and I was hesitant and a bit freaked out by taking such a big step. It all worked out in the end thankfully!
Trust me, at times I wish we'd just stuck with an apartment. Owning a home is all great and wonderful but if you're not financially or even emotionally ready, it can be a huge stressor. You can't just call your landlord and have them fix the heater or the dripping faucet anymore - now you have to fix it yourself or call a professional and shell out hundreds of dollars. Not to mention property taxes, paying for all the appliances, furniture, curtains, cleaning supplies, etc.
Just because your fiance brought it up, it doesn't mean he was fully invested in the idea. My Hubs says things all the time but I've learned that he's basically just thinking out loud and will take months if not years to actually do something about it, depending on how much he wants to do that certain thing. If this is something that bothers you that much now, you two are definitely going to have issues in the future. You probably need to learn to let it roll or make sure you ask him if he's serious about it or just spitballing. Some patience and understanding is definitely in order!
Anyway, good luck to you!0 -
Your loans wont effect his credit report or score. Your debt is your debt, not his.
The only things that will show up on the other's is any loans you take out together.
Not always true, so don't laugh. In Texas there is common debt. Even if my husband gets a loan I have responsibility over it. For example, we just purchased a new home. His credit was better than mine so the loan is in HIS name, but my name is ALL OVER the documents.
No, the student loans in my name don't show on his report but they will pull BOTH people's credit.0 -
Buying a home is a very big deal. It's a huge commitment - not to you necessarily, but to being a homeowner. Not only can the process to buy a home be daunting, but maintenance is something to seriously consider. If something breaks, you can't call a landlord. You have to fix it. It's an enormous responsibility. Just because he may not be ready for all that responsibility does not mean he is a commitment phobe - it means he understands the gravity of the decision and is being cautious.0
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:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Your loans wont effect his credit report or score. Your debt is your debt, not his.
The only things that will show up on the other's is any loans you take out together.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
^THIS!! This! This!0 -
Oh that's terrible!
You're not considering his feelings at all and being manipulative to get what you want, which in this case is completely material!
This relationship is heading in the wrong direction.
Since his intuition is to wait (and I can see why! Smart man!) and yours is to break-up if you don't get the material goods you want, just break up.
And eat more calories.
As previous poster said, you're supposed to be supportive of him.0 -
You're not eating enough calories. Neither is he. It's making him scared and making you immature.
This.0 -
I would recommend a water fast.
In all seriousness, I would start by apologizing to him. Then I would "seriously reconsider" owning a home with someone that you would "seriously reconsider" ending a relationship with when you don't get your way.
And this.0 -
Why are you in such a hurry to buy a home. It makes more sense to get your debt load down before buying a home. Remember, even though some mortgages work out to be the same as what you'd be paying in rent, when you factor in the cost of up keep, repairs, taxes, bills etc, it can be very overwhelming.
If you want to have a non confrontational discussion about it then approach the subject with sound reason. Take the time to make a spreadsheet of your expenses, work out what it would cost to buy and maintain a house, compare your existing situation versus home ownership. Perhaps once you see it all on paper you'll understand your fiance's hesitation.0 -
Totally petty and unimportant detail...he is your fiancé and you're HIS fiancée.
But to address the issue here, I think you might want to take a huge step back. For two young people, one fresh out of college, to take on the lifetime commitment of marriage and the huge commitment of buying a home, but for one or both to have ANY doubts about it...that just sounds like a recipe for disaster.
What is the rush, honestly? You will both still be there in a year or two. Why not buy the home after a couple years of marriage when you are feeling more stable in your relationship/marriage and your careers? That might be less stressful and even more enjoyable. You might be able to buy an even nicer house and furnish it beautifully. If your student loans pose that big of a concern to you, I would imagine the whole undertaking of buying a home (and having a wedding) could put a TON of stress - financial AND emotional stress - on you and your fiancé.
It's your life and I don't know all of the ins and outs of your situation, but given the details we do have here and the fact that this is all causing you to doubt the entire relationship...I'd suggest waiting. Maybe even waiting to marry. But definitely waiting to purchase a home.0 -
Not quite sure I would consider my fiance a commitment-phobe... particularly since they are committed enough to ask you to marry them... and after the OP, not sure why....
If he isn't ready to look for housees, then perhaps there is a reason... Owning a house is freaking expensive... what with the Mortgage, the insurance, the repairs, the maintence...
Anyway, this is a minor thing... seriously, very minor...
But, I agree with the poster that said to maybe set up an appointment with a loan officer to see what loans you can get and qualify.
Good advice. To the OP, if you DO decide that home ownership is Priority #1 I strongly agree with this poster that setting up an appointment with a loan officer is an excellent idea. I have purchased (and ultimately sold) two homes thus far and that was always a great first step.0 -
You love him very much, but if he doesn't buy you (who is already up to your eyeballs in student loan debt) a house, you're going to reconsider the relationship?
Help me out here, Kanye.
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You know, if I were you, I would just look up some listings, particularly ones that you think would interest him, i.e. garage, grilling patio, potential man-cave area.
Encourage him to share in your excitement. If you still can't get him in tune with the idea, then perhaps you and he need to have a serious talk about what the other wants.0 -
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Your loans wont effect his credit report or score. Your debt is your debt, not his.
The only things that will show up on the other's is any loans you take out together.
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
This. It's basic knowledge. I'd suggest learning about how finances actually work before you go and make THEEEEEE biggest purchase of your life.
You must be used to playing the "it's my way or the highway" card.0 -
I kind of disagree with those that are saying that she shouldn't be buying while having student loans. Mortgage payments are almost half as much as rent payments. I have a lot of student loan debt and purchased home and ended up saving $300 a month in rent. That $300 can easily go towards paying down student loan debt.0
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I kind of disagree with those that are saying that she shouldn't be buying while having student loans. Mortgage payments are almost half as much as rent payments. I have a lot of student loan debt and purchased home and ended up saving $300 a month in rent. That $300 can easily go towards paying down student loan debt.
This is totally dependent on your real estate market, down payment and possible PMI.0 -
So when are you getting married? Is that at all an issue, or are you just gunning for the house?0
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I always think it's dangerous to threaten to end a relationship to get your way, which is how this sounds. That might not be what you mean, but that's how it came across to me. If you put leaving on the table every time there's a major disagreement, you're likely to have a rough marriage.
Buying a house is a huge commitment. It's not something you should rush into until you're both ready.0 -
I kind of disagree with those that are saying that she shouldn't be buying while having student loans. Mortgage payments are almost half as much as rent payments. I have a lot of student loan debt and purchased home and ended up saving $300 a month in rent. That $300 can easily go towards paying down student loan debt.
This is totally dependent on your real estate market, down payment and possible PMI.
True. I got in at a good time. The market is starting to turn around now.0 -
I kind of disagree with those that are saying that she shouldn't be buying while having student loans. Mortgage payments are almost half as much as rent payments. I have a lot of student loan debt and purchased home and ended up saving $300 a month in rent. That $300 can easily go towards paying down student loan debt.
This is not true *everywhere* though.
In my area, you can often find a very nice house with a mortgage payment that is equal to rent on a similar type/size of house. You might even be paying the same or very similar amount monthly when you include taxes and insurance on your property (if you are lucky). But in some areas, mortgage payments are WAY more money than rent.
I actually think it is somewhat rare (maybe a professional realtor or mortgage broker can verify or correct us here) to save tons of money by buying a home, UNLESS you have an awesome down payment. I have been in that situation, paid 30% down and my mortgage was about half of what the rent on the property would have been. But I don't think that's super common unless you're in a position with a large down payment or equity in a previous property and so forth.
Home ownership is great...but like others have said, there are drawbacks too. When things go wrong, you're responsible. That can be a huge hardship if you're just starting out your lives/marriage and don't have a large rainy day reserve or excellent credit.
Me personally -- I'm not saying I'll never own another house, but I LOVE the freedom of renting. After owning two homes in the past I have been in the position of losing one house in a natural disaster and even though I came out of it ahead financially, it was an emotional and logistical nightmare for months dealing with clean up and regulations and all sorts of dealings. If I'd been a renter with renter's insurance I could have just moved, bought new stuff, and been done with it all in a couple of weeks' time.0 -
Marriage isn't about the house, anymore than it's about the wedding. It's about you and him and your commitment to each other, and your ability to work together as a couple. Your one-sided need to buy house and inability to discuss the issue while trying to force him into is a sign that you have some things to work on before you actually go through with any sort of permanent commitment.0
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Even muttering the words "I may need to reconsider our relationship" about someone you said YES to Marrying and committing to for the rest of your life is completely unacceptable. No wonder he doesn't want to buy a house with you. You're behaving like a petulant child.0
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You love him very much, but if he doesn't buy you (who is already up to your eyeballs in student loan debt) a house, you're going to reconsider the relationship?
Help me out here, Kanye.
This is exactly what I was thinking.0 -
Buying a house is a big thing. It's scary. So are student loans. My husband and I bought our house and I have students loans (they're my other life partner, lol), but they did not affect his credit rating as his credit was not used in obtaining the loans. They also did not affect our ability to get a loan or affect the amount of the loan we wanted/needed. ETA: The loan + his credit rating may be specific to the state we live in, as others have said.
If your fiancee is apprehensive, then buying right now may not be the best idea. It's a large, on-going expense (mortgage, property taxes, PMI, maintenance, upgrades, etc) and if you buy and (hopefully not) things in your relationship go south, one or both of you could get totally screwed. What exactly is making him re-think the house thing? Talk about it. Maybe even sit down and compare your current expenses to an estimate of your expenses after purchasing a house.0
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