Helpful Or Hurtful?

amycorr11

So my BF is on board with my weight loss. The other night I went to the pantry and got a pack of cheese/peanut butter crackers. As I popped the first one in my mouth he asked me why I was eating. "I know you're not hungry. You're just obsessed with food." While it was true what he said it still stung a little bit. None the less I put the rest of the crackers away. Now EVERYTIME I eat something he comments. I know I've gained weight and have a issue with overeating but come on! I need to eat sometimes without commentary. He's lost a lit if weight and looks great but he has completely eliminated carbs from his diet. He says the body doesn't need them.. I beg to differ. He's also on phentermine whereas I don't take any pills. I appreciate his support but he's going about it the wrong way IMO.

mschicagocubs

I would just simply tell him you are happy that he is trying to help you, but you are doing this YOUR way. If you have room in your calorie goal for your peanut butter crackers , then you should eat them! While you sometimes need someone to tell you to put that donut down ... he doesn't need to criticize every time you eat anything that isn't a fruit or veggie.

I would just explain to him your goals and if he tells you to not eat that cookie, be like "I have enough calories today to eat it and it is going to taste awesome, thanks!"

nomeejerome

Carbs are an important aspect of proper brain function.

defauIt

Do you want someone to hold your hand and tell you you're great or do you want someone to hold you accountable for the decisions you make?

Figure that out and talk to your partner about what kind of support you're expecting from them.

misschoppo

I would just explain to him your goals and if he tells you to not eat that cookie, be like "I have enough calories today to eat it and it is going to taste awesome, thanks!"

Exactly This ^ If you want a tasty snack and it fits in with your goals then have it.. .


The only situation in which I would accept my BF giving me a running commentary on my eating habits and see it as a fair point would be if I had talked and talked and talked his ear off about how I was planning on not eating certain things at all or following a specific eating plan or if I was regularly complaining about my weight and then scoffing down a load of those food I had "banned" I have friends at work who have explained to me in great detail the latest diet they are following and tell me to "promise to make sure you tell me off if you see me eating crap" (as if its my responsibility) then they sit down and demolish a pack of biscuits when I have just listened to them talk for the entire lunch break about their new "healthy regime" and in that instance I myself will sometimes say something as it is highly contradictory when someone wants you to sit and listen enthusiastically to their plan and good intentions and then they do the exact opposite an hour later.

If you are just trying to eat a certain number of calories and have not said to him you are planning on eating in a certain way and you have not said you are banning any foods, then he really shouldn't be giving you a hard time for eating anything that you have fit into your planned intake.

ladymiseryali

I eat low carb, but unlike your SO, I'm not a jerk about it. Tell him to keep his mouth shut. He can lose weight his way and you can do it your way.

amycorr11

Thanks for the responses! I have explained to him that I'm not necessarily on a "diet" as I find the term a little restrictive. I have explained I want to lose weight and get in shape and get my binge eating under control. I also explained that I plan in cutting out unnecessary empty calories so I guess to him the term empty calorie is pretty vague. I ate a bowl of grapenuts flakes this morning with 1/2 cup almond breeze milk and he asked how many sugars/carbs I was eating. When I told him he informed me that's a whole days serving of carbs. Again I told him I'm NOT doing low carb! I'm just not eating pop tarts or donuts for breakfast lol! I'm tryin to up my protein intake and leave the white flour carbs alone but I'm not fixated on my carb intake as long as I stay in my calorie range with is between 1400-1600/day.

easjer

This is a communication issue for you two. Some people respond really well to that kind of feedback/motivation/accountability. My husband does, actually. He asked me to poke him in that way about his diet/exercise when he was on a dietbet last month. Me, on the other hand? You won't drive me into a eating a chocolate cake in the closet faster than to comment on my food like that (but, uh, I have a history with an eating disorder and some really screwed up stuff with my dad monitoring and commenting on my food like that, sooooo).

Just be upfront with him about his comments being hurtful and be open about what would be helpful and motivating. TBH, it probably doesn't help the situation that his comment got a result, because he probably thinks that it's effective. And it was, but as a long-term strategy it is going to be damaging to you.

You have similar goals, which is awesome, but different ways to get there, which makes it more difficult.

mandasalem

Thanks for the responses! I have explained to him that I'm not necessarily on a "diet" as I find the term a little restrictive. I have explained I want to lose weight and get in shape and get my binge eating under control. I also explained that I plan in cutting out unnecessary empty calories so I guess to him the term empty calorie is pretty vague. I ate a bowl of grapenuts flakes this morning with 1/2 cup almond breeze milk and he asked how many sugars/carbs I was eating. When I told him he informed me that's a whole days serving of carbs. Again I told him I'm NOT doing low carb! I'm just not eating pop tarts or donuts for breakfast lol! I'm tryin to up my protein intake and leave the white flour carbs alone but I'm not fixated on my carb intake as long as I stay in my calorie range with is between 1400-1600/day.

I'd be patting myself on the back for that breakfast, and anyone who told me anything to the contrary would have to devote some time to extracting the empty bowl and spoon from their nether regions.

firstsip

I know I've gained weight and have a issue with overeating but come on! I need to eat sometimes without commentary.

The first part? He's trying to help you. Clearly you want to lose it, clearly you have a self-confessed issue and clearly he's trying to help.

The latter part? Express that to him.

Were you hungry when you ate the crackers, or were you just bored/"wanting to eat"? Sometimes the comments that sting the most are the ones with the truth we don't want to hear.

Edit: Also, the phentermine... that's a whole can of worms there. If he does legitimately start getting "snippy" or "hurtful," it could be the pill itself. You guys definitely appear to be approaching this at different angles. Communication.

Barbsunshine7

I know exactly how you feel! My DH has all kinds of remarks that are hurtful, the one that really gets me is when he calls me "pigamama." But I just tell him he has no room to talk...he's overweight and eat all day long!

Iknowsaur

He should be supporting you, not nagging you or picking on you.
Giving you crap every time you eat something is NOT being supportive. He doesn't know whether or not you're really hungry, and frankly it isn't actually any of his damn business. He can support you by not bringing home junk food (if you don't want it around, that is), or by helping you stock up on healthy items, but his commentary should never be part of that. That's just my $.02.

crepes_

Sure, low carb is working for him and that's great. But he shouldn't be pushing that onto you. Diet is a personal choice and is meant to be sustainable. If how you're eating right now is a sustainable choice for you, more power to you.

I personally like when my husband give me a little tough love. I'll go back for another serving of almonds and he'll ask me if I'm actually hungry, or he'll tell me to drink some water. He's a partner in this weight loss journey, and I appreciate it. However, when I've already made my choice of having another serving, I tell him so. He's done his part in helping me and I've made my decision, regardless of what he said. You should do the same here.

If he starts fighting you on how you're eating, that's different. If he tells you something to help keep you on track and you tell him that it's a decision you're making based on your goals for the day and believe that it's fine, and he still has a problem, that's when you have to fight back. This is not his diet. This is your diet. Your new way of eating. He doesn't get to control that. Make sure it's only helpful advice and not an attempt to control.

I'm also on a low carb diet and feel like my body (including my brain) runs perfectly fine, and has been for a couple of years. Main point is, diet is different for everyone. The only thing that's simliar in successful and sustainable diets is mindful choices and sticking to your macro and calorie goals.

* Diet as a noun, not a verb

Also, if he's picking on your breakfast of cereal and almond milk, he needs to back off. Just because it doesn't fit his macros doesn't mean that it goes against yours. He has no right to criticize something that is within your meal plan.

amy8400

You and your SO need to sit down and have a talk. He probably thinks he's helping you, by being your food intake watchdog...but in your eyes, he's being overly critical. There's a happy medium for both of you...and you can find it by discussing it honestly and not waiting until it becomes a tearful argument.

Tell him what you DO need help with so he can be there for you. You both have different weight loss perspectives--that should be discussed as well. I'm not into pills or restrictive diets, either. Yet that may work for him. Neither person should force their perspective on the other...instead work as a team and be supportive. My DH and I have been doing this for several months now and we've grown as a couple. It can be a very positive experience.

MuffinTopHottie

I agree with easjer...you need to be upfront with him about his comments being hurtful and be open about what would be helpful and motivating. Explain that these comments may make you more of a closet binger...which could be more damaging. Sometimes men don't really get that sometimes eating is to feed our emotions not our stomachs...and this behavior takes time to reverse...but the comment "why are you eating?" is a good one to ask yourself before you do eat...is it your stomach or your heart that's hungry??? It's hard, but good luck.... :flowerforyou:

amycorr11

I agree tha communication is key and he genuinely is trying to help me. He made the comment that he doesn't care how big I get but that it's not healthy and with me I tend to gain in my stomach as opposed to hips and thighs I know he's right. I'm 5'3 and was a healthy 135 lbs for years.. I'm now 153 and that's too much excess on my small frame and I'm already getting short winded during activities. I just want him to understand weight loss isn't a one size fits all pun intended. We all get results differently and there is NO ONE right way!

amy8400

Right on! Good luck with getting him on board for positive change and your weight loss efforts.

EllaBelleAces

I would say that if his approach bothers you, sit down with him, show him your food journal, explain what you are doing and let him know, being as honest as possible without being hurtful yourself, that you appreciate his support, but it is not the type of support you need. Instead, let him know how he can help support you in a way you will flourish and thrive from it, and not in a way that will make you feel guilty.

For example, my SO used to call me "porker" if I ate more than him. Yes it reminded me to keep my portions smaller, but it also hurt my feelings in an intense way. Soo, I just told him his approach wasn't working for me, so now he runs his fingers through my hair and says "baby, that seems like a lot" It works way better for me. I feel loved and supported, and he's happier because I no longer throw the extra food at him.. yelling.. loudly.

PJPrimrose

I help my DH with his diet/exercise, including questions and comments, but it was at his insistence that I help him. However, I am involved with his diet and exercise routine. I agree with either getting him on board with a specific plan or putting the kibosh on comments as they aren't going to be productive if he doesn't know what's going on.