Support and Gratitude

MyTBttm82

Hello, I am new here. I have thought hard about how serious I am about losing weight. I have talked about it, thought about and failed at it for years. I'm going to add a little (as brief) as possible history here. I started my fat journey as if I was building a wall to protect myself. I was not married when I gave birth to my first son, I weighed in at 93lbs on the day he was born. After that I was on the upward gain by the pant size. I lost 56lbs during my second pregnancy but had gained a 150lb husband and all of his family at our wedding the year before. Our miracle baby was quite the surprise and after our son was born I blossomed over time up to a whooping 240lb. My heaviest was at 249lb and at that point I vowed I would never weigh 250lbs. I have a big family, but somehow I have managed to alienate all but the ones that live with me. And of course my Mother, as she will hang in for the long haul in case I should find some self-worth lying around and she will be right there to collect it from me, as I might not know what to do with it. Oh, and I have a sarcastic sense of humor as well......yea. So over the years of talking about losing weight I have only ever lost a few pounds and managed to rest between 232 and 240 for the past five years. I recently had some heart health issues and have decided to figure out what it is that I really want in life, how do I want to live the rest of my life? I have always felt that there wasn't anyone that encouraged me to loss weight and be healthier, or to do or be anything in life generally. My husband and boys are great, but I have taught them that I take care of them, not the other way around. And though I know there is genuine want for the best for me from them, I have never really allowed them to have that type of conversation with me. I have figured out what the biggest obstacle has been for me.....it is me. I have not allowed support from the people closest to me, and I have shunned or made myself somehow unwelcome in the lives of the rest of my family and friends. I am not anti-social, as I know I care about people. I have just been treated like an outcast and been overlooked starting at such a young age, that by now (50) I have figured it was easier to not have the hope that someone would give a hoot. I had looked for years for support emotionally from family members, and have realized that it is just not something I will ever have. I learned to keep friends at arms length so they can't disappoint me by not including me. I took myself out of the game a long time ago. I feel like it is time to start watching the game again. When I look into my future, I see that I can live comfortably by being left alone by my friends, family and community as long as I feel comfortable to wander among them when I want and feel comfortable in my own skin. I have a lot of confidence, self learned and conveyed through my work in the community. I have always carried "my weight" like a badge, I wanted to seem comfortable with who I am.....yet I am not. So I need to lose weight for my heart and for my husband and my kids. But most importantly I want to lose weight for ME. I used to think, why lose weight and look better when there is no one that cares or will be glad I've done it besides me? I realize that if I lose weight, the amount I want, there will be no Magic at the drop of the final pound. My humor and my self worth will most likely be held intact. I will be grateful for anyone noticing but I will not really care what they think. It is my Pride I will look forward to. What I want is to be able to feel healthy and not worry if I am walking down the cookie isle of the grocery store that I look like a fat lady in the cookie isle......I want to stop wondering if the grocery clerk wonders what I do with all the vegetable and fruits I buy...as I don't appear to have changed for all the cucumbers I've bought over the years. I guess that this is the part that is the hardest for me. Please, I am looking for some support and I have no idea how to ask. I have talked to my husband about losing weight and he is all for it, but not for jumping in the ring with me. Sort of one of those "Good luck with that. What's for dinner?" responses. Over the years I think I let myself build this fat wall as a way to protect something about myself. I don't tell my feelings easily or cry in front of others as I feel like it makes me vulnerable somehow. So with all my gates open, my walls bent and swaying and my underpants flying on my flagpole I am asking, is there anyone that would be interested in giving a middle-aged fat woman a little encouragement? I just want to take the wall down, not to let in all the love, but so I can let a little more out.

staceybeee

I friend requested you! Everyone can use support!! :flowerforyou: