I'm sabotaging my overweight husband

Francl27

I wonder if I'm alone in this boat... My husband is obese, and isn't trying to lose weight. He was already overweight when we met, but he has gained more weight since (it's been 12 years). I worry for his health, he's quite a bit older than me, but I know there's nothing I can do about it until he decides to change.

But anyway, I never cooked before, just ate junk all day pretty much, and we had very easy simple meals in the evening. Now I've been cooking more, and I feel like I'm just making things worse for him... Like, I made brownies this morning, I was craving them, 'healthy' substitutions were just not cutting it, and I wasn't going to go out and buy a whole 1000 calorie a piece brownie at a restaurant (although the option was getting more and more tempting by the minute). So I had some, should fit within my calories just fine, but I'm not really planning on having much more, because, well, 370 calories for a small piece, lol.... so now we have a whole lot of brownies to eat (although I might just freeze them in a couple days). So he's probably going to eat most of it (it's totally delicious but my kids are aliens and never touch my baked goods). Like he ate that delicious apple pie I made two months ago.

Same for dinner... I've made some pretty good stuff lately and he ends up having seconds or thirds. Bleh.

Am I alone in this and how do you deal? I do feel bad. But I want to eat good foods too... I'd rather make something I'll like and eat it in moderation than feeling deprived and just eating unsatisfactory foods to get rid of a craving (he doesn't eat most of the 'diet' foods I make, unless it's from skinnytaste).

colibri23

I think the answer to the questions you're asking lie within your original post itself:

I worry for his health, he's quite a bit older than me, but I know there's nothing I can do about it until he decides to change.

Ultimately, it's up to him to decide how many brownies to have, or whether he's going to have seconds or thirds. In the end, I definitely don't think you're sabotaging him---rather, it's his responsibility to eat well/in moderation (and it sounds like you'd be an excellent role model in any case!). Have you tried to (gently) voice your concerns over his health? Has your success not inspired him at all?

stealthq

I think the answer to the questions you're asking lie within your original post itself:

I worry for his health, he's quite a bit older than me, but I know there's nothing I can do about it until he decides to change.

Ultimately, it's up to him to decide how many brownies to have, or whether he's going to have seconds or thirds. In the end, I definitely don't think you're sabotaging him---rather, it's his responsibility to eat well/in moderation (and it sounds like you'd be an excellent role model in any case!). Have you tried to (gently) voice your concerns over his health? Has your success not inspired him at all?

+1

But, you can help some. Individually wrap and freeze the brownies now. They're not as tempting if they're not in front of his face. Funny how having to put in even a little more effort will discourage people from overindulging when they might have otherwise.

Oh, and I can empathize. I love to bake. My freezer is currently stocked with homemade chocolate banana bread, slices of homemade cakes w/ icing in individual serving bags, some banana toffee scones, my pizza dough experiments and homemade soft pretzels (yes, I love bread and bread products as well) and several pints of ice cream. Just because.

And I have no problem regulating how much of that I eat - but others in my family do. So, I'll make things in advance and freeze them in individual servings. It takes 10-15 min in the oven at 350 to get them as good as fresh baked - enough extra effort that people rarely go back for seconds. (Plus the 10-15 min lets dinner or lunch settle in nicely before dessert)

MagnumBurrito

After you guys each have brownies for a night, bring it to work and share them with the coworkers. Or if you want to save your coworkers too, take them to a homeless shelter or soup kitchen.

mistress8956

Frozen brownies are even better then they are fresh! OMG lol me and my hubby are doing this together but I find he isn't always as committed as I am. At first this was very frustrating to me and I would get mad and be very critical of what he was eating. I got over that. Regardless of what you cook or even what foods are in your house he is going to eat what he wants and in the amount he wants even if he has to go out to get it! Be supportive and if and when he's ready he will make a change. Making brownies isn't sabatoge it's life. He's a grown up and makes choices just like you do. Best of luck

asciident

Make less or give the rest away? You can't force him to stop overeating, but you can make it less convenient for him...

Holly_Roman_Empire

After you guys each have brownies for a night, bring it to work and share them with the coworkers. Or if you want to save your coworkers too, take them to a homeless shelter or soup kitchen.

This is what I do. I make a whole batch, eat what I want, put some aside for my husband if he wants some, and pack the rest to take to work.

ittybittykittyy

It's not as if you're sneaking bad foods into his meals without his knowing. To me that'd be "sabotaging". He is well aware what he is doing when he eats multiple brownies. I want a brownie now... damnit.

SonicDeathMonkey80

In, because I love how these threads go.

Hybris13

I find that making just enough food for me and BF helps with things like that. He won't go for seconds if there's no more food left.
I suppose with kids it's harder, but cooking somewhat smaller meals and keeping a "clean" house (no tempting unnecessary snacks lying around) could help.

dym123

I love baked goods also, I also love to bake. My supermarket has individual servings in their bakery, so if I'm craving apple pie, I will buy a slice of apple pie, they have individual cake peices, cupcakes and brownies. When I do bake, I bake for others. I'll keep a peice for myself and take the rest to the office or to my grandmother's. She's only 100lbs and loves sweets.

The_Sandra

...me and my hubby are doing this together but I find he isn't always as committed as I am. At first this was very frustrating to me and I would get mad and be very critical of what he was eating. I got over that. Regardless of what you cook or even what foods are in your house he is going to eat what he wants and in the amount he wants even if he has to go out to get it! Be supportive and if and when he's ready he will make a change. Making brownies isn't sabatoge it's life. He's a grown up and makes choices just like you do. Best of luck

^^this.

My husband and I are also trying to get healthier and lose weight together, but I'm definitely having better success than he is because I'm more committed. It's frustrating to me that when I buy or make treats (either for the kids or for all of us), he'll eat them all up before anyone else gets a chance, and then get upset at me and ask why I buy/make this stuff when he's trying to lose weight. I just tell him that the kids and I have no problem regulating treats, and that he's a grown man and can decide for himself what he's going to eat. When he decides to get serious, he'll take responsibility for his own choices. Until then, I feel exactly zero guilt.

Derpes

If he had a desire to change, then it would be an issue.

You said that he does not want to change, so what difference does it make?

wilsoje74

I personally can't cook a whole pan of something and have it around without over indulging, so I can't blame him!! Can you not cook large portions of that type of food, and just buy one serving of it at a bakery if you really want it??

Mia_RagazzaTosta

I'm sure he could get brownies and apple pie anywhere. If he was really wanting to make a change, he would.

SonicDeathMonkey80

I'm sure he could get brownies and apple pie anywhere. If he was really wanting to make a change, he would.

I don't think we want hubby dipping into the neighbor's apple pie and brownies. That would be bad.

psmd

I'm sure he could get brownies and apple pie anywhere. If he was really wanting to make a change, he would.

I agree. I wouldn't feel too guilty; if he's not eating your brownies he's likely just going to eat something else unhealthy. This isn't your fault. Sorry that is happening though but I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Also it doesn't sound like you're making stuff like this all the time.

Amandawith3kids

the only thing i can suggest is to make "just enough" for that one meal, and if there are leftovers, plate them and mark them as yours for lunch the next day. i do that often, not so my hubby cant have them, but so i dont mess up at lunchtime. (i do plate hubbys dinner, because we eat at 6pm, and he gets out of work at 11pm or later. then i have to mark which is his and which is mine LOL)

_crafty_

sabotage is baking 3 dozen of your boyfriend's favorite kind of cookie and sending them to him. all of them.

that's how I roll.

:devil:

monkeywizard

Invite some friends over to have some brownies too!

Francl27

I actually remembered that he has a poker game tomorrow... so he can take the extras with him!

Francl27

sabotage is baking 3 dozen of your boyfriend's favorite kind of cookie and sending them to him. all of them.

that's how I roll.

:devil:

Lol

geekandgranola

We all make our own choices in life and he's not going to change unless he wants to. That being said, both my husband and I have problems with self-control when it comes to the foods we love so we both work together to keep those out of the house in large quantities. If I want something sweet, i go out and buy a single serving just for myself. If he wants pizza, he grabs some at a single slice place at lunch. We both make adjustments for each other (I hide my chocolate, he doesn't suggest ordering pizza because I'll always say yes) to be encouraging.

And as a baker, instead of leaving food in the house, I always bring it to work. Even if that means I have to bake a dozen brownies twice in one week just to get two brownies that week and bring the rest to work. At least my coworkers will always love me and I'm not leaving tempting foods around the house that both of us will over-indulge in.

SonicDeathMonkey80

Invite some friends over to have some brownies too!

Sabotage the entire neighborhood?

gmove

I think the most effective solution is to bake/cook what you NEED.

Leftovers are great for a quick meal when you're in a hurry, but it isn't worth cooking that much if the portion becomes 'seconds'.

rosebette

I understand OP's position, but as an old timer to marriage (30 years), I guess I have to add what I ended up doing. My husband, too, was always somewhat overweight. When we first got married, he put some more on because he would eat a big lunch at work and then whatever I made. I also occasionally would bake and baked even more after I had kids; we even owned a bread machine that I used almost daily. He gained and lost through various diets but always put it back on. Sometimes I'd join him, for instance, to lose post-baby weight, but overall, I was always someone who could keep it off without much effort. Then when he was in his 40s, he underwent a lot of personal stresses -- both his parents died, his brother had some very serious problems with mental illness and alcohol, and my husband also ended up traveling a lot. The upshot, he put on even more weight and would get sick often with cellulitis in his legs. His doctor at the time was somewhat negligent, but when he changed doctor, he was diagnosed as Type II diabetes. We got rid of all the "white foods" and when he was home, the food that was available and prepared was food that he could eat. Regardless, he still would eat badly, not exercise, etc. I nagged him so much that he became angry and resentful. So I said, "I'll stop nagging if you buy extra life insurance with a long term care rider." We went to the insurance agent, and the premiums for this thing because of his weight and diabetes are $550 a month. That was one of the wake-up calls of what his eating was costing, both in terms of health and finances. One of the major factors for us is that I am 5'1.5". There is no way I could care for my husband at home if he were disabled. He doesn't eat perfectly now, but I have to admit, he is more active and much more in control than in the past, even when he travels. So I guess there are three things:

1. You need to support him by changing how you are eating at home. That might mean not baking a batch of brownies or an apple pie. The only time I bake now is to bring stuff to pot luck or family events. Then I leave it there! If you want a "goodie" eat it on your own time, when you're out with girlfriends or when he's not around.
2. This may sound contradictory, but you also have to keep in mind that he's still responsible for his own eating and actions. My DH travels and I can't control what he's eating then. I can only eliminate temptation at home, and I have to let go of what's happening elsewhere.
3. At some point, both of you, especially if he's older, have to confront the health and financial consequences of his weight and eating. This is both of your futures, and it's not like he might just keel over from a heart attack. If you have children, his eating behavior is affecting not just himself, but your family's security. He could end up needing long term nursing care as a consequence of diabetes or other illnesses related to overeating. My husband's dad was dead at 66 from heart disease and cancer, his mom at 73 from dementia and pancreatitis due to acute diabetes. She spent the last 10 years of her life in and out of nursing homes and skilled care.

CaitlinW19

On the healthy food note, try Emilybites.com if you never have. Gosh her stuff is good. I have been a follower of skinnytaste for a long time and try foods from lots of other bloggers too, but honestly none of them are consitent like emilybites. I'm rarely impressed (even with skinnytaste) but Emily's recipes, while not high brow, are amazing 90% of the time in my book.

Your husband may not realize how much weigh he has gained...most of us can relate to that...and of a sudden you see a picture of yourself and you are like "Oh my god I'm so much fatter than I thought." I'm sure he knows he's gained, but maybe doesn't think it's so bad. If you happen to get him to look at some current pictures he might just bring up the topic himself and, if he does, that's your opportunity to offer to help. Offer to make healthy meals, get him to sign up for MFP, go for walks with him. Maybe even suggest a healthy contest between the two of you...weight loss or number of steps in a week...something to get that male competitive nature going :-)

When it comes to your own eating habits, if you feel like you are standing in his way maybe think of ways you can help like you can have brownies, but only at work so they aren't in the house. You are asking a lot of him not to eat the brownies if you are going to have them in the house and he has trouble resisting them. It's probably just as hard for him stay away from the brownies as it is for you...harder maybe because he has to see you eat them. If you want him to stay away from them, I think you should be willing to ask the same of yourself. (even if you are actually ASKING him to stay away).

laurie04427

I do the oppisite. All the food in the house is healthy. If I'm going to the grocery store and he asks for a chocolate muffin I bring him back a chocolate clif bar and a bag of trail mix lol. I don't buy junk for him. If he wants junk he buys it himself.

Hubby has high cholesterol and I want to keep him around.

Edit for spelling failz

gmove

I think the most effective solution is to bake/cook what you NEED.

Leftovers are great for a quick meal when you're in a hurry, but it isn't worth cooking that much if the portion becomes 'seconds'.

My actions have the opposite effect on my boyfriend. He eats what I prepare and effortlessly loses weight while I've taken the initiative to research, weigh, and prepare food; calculate and log numbers; and lead the exercise (right now i'm in a slump).

Wraiythe

My husband is the saboteur in our house. He has diabetes (and its' not getting controlled very well), and I have both diabetes and high blood pressure. But he likes to bake and cook and he likes/loves/adores carbs like no tomorrow. We have a tendency to sabotage each other. I have decided that making small changes is going to work best for us. If I try to initiate an overhaul he balks. So I have started making just enough for us to eat for a meal. Oh you want seconds? Too bad! (of course, I just started cooking too....I hate cooking). I am trying to use healthier options as well. Also, try to find recipes that are one shots. Like you can do cookie in a mug or brownie in a mug if you want just ONE so that it quells the cravings. They are DELICIOUS and there are NONE left over for anyone to munch on later. I have found that that works better for my house. That's about all you can do to help him and you until he's ready to take the plunge for himself.

TomTomato

Ultimately, he has to decide whether to partake or not, but from personal experience, it's easy to succumb to treats when they are "there". The times when I had the most success losing weight are when I was NOT in the proximity of food. Yes, my will-power can be weak. I agree with those who suggested sharing with neighbors/coworkers, freezing, or just making a smaller batch. I also think talking to him about your concern for his health might be helpful.