I am finally ready to stop the cycle

Tazeher

Hi everyone, I am a 42 yr old Mom, Wife, Business owner and I am in pain and exhausted ALL the time. I am tired of my own excuses so I can just imagine how everyone else in my life is tired of them too.

I don't own a scale at the moment, but I am pretty sure I am at the 240ish mark. My life has been full of body weight swings. I was an active skinny child but developed juvenile arthritis and had to stop sports. From age 16 to 22 I gained weight and went from a size 8 to 18. Then I had a baby at 23 and decided to lose weight and I did, I got down to 160lbs and looked great. Slowly started to gain it back over the years and was at 200lbs in 2003 (31). Again I made the decision to take it off and I became a bodybuilder. I was 3 weeks away from a show when I injured my back. L4 disk in my back slipped and pinched my sciatic nerve. That was the worst day of my life. The pain was unbearable and I was bed ridden for 4 months. Ok, if I am being honest here probably only 2 months were due to injury the rest was depression. It has left me in chronic pain and eating for comfort. I own my own company and I have to do a lot of physical labor so it too puts a huge strain on my back. I know that if I lose the weight my back will probably feel a lot better, but how can I do that when I am exhausted at the end of my day and in so much pain? I have let that be my excuse for too many years now. Sure, I yoyo'd 20 down 15 pounds up, 30 down 50 up. It is a vicious cycle that I NEED to break NOW. I am 42 and yesterday I had a terrifying thought. If you don't change you will NEVER feel sexy or wanted ever again. My hubby loves me unconditionally and for that I am grateful, but he doesn't look at me "that way" anymore and I miss it. I am tired of being an embarrassment to my daughter. She is a fantastic athlete and I need to be a better example. I am also tired of the looks of pity and disgust I get from friends and strangers alike. So I have come here...I know I need accountability. I am my own worst enemy. There is something in me that needs to be defiant, that needs to be bad and that is when I cheat. I feel naughty if I sneak a candy bar or soda. Like a little kid that is pulling one over on her parents, I do this to myself. I have no idea why, but I do recognize it so I will have to try to be strong and push past that. I have been going for acupuncture for my back twice a week and it is slowly getting a little better but this is going to be my biggest hurdle, pushing past the pain to get in exercise.

I am trying for formulate a plan, but I need help staying the course. I am hoping all you amazingly strong will powered people can help with that.

Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings and if you have gotten this far I hope you have an amazing day!