Helloo

millzandbeans

Hello everyone

I've found this site interesting and I've been looking at the stories of others and how they find taking an interest in their own fitness. I wanted to share my own experience and see if there are any others who have similar thoughts
I'm having quite a few problems with my confidence and self esteem and how I look at myself. I find eating "normally" a huge challenge, it makes me feel uncomfortable and bloated so I often find myself not eating at all during the day and limiting myself to a small meal when I get home from college. Overall it just makes me feel bad, it's disrupting my social life and makes eating out/ with people a nightmare.
It's getting worse and making me feel more miserable and helpless. I've always hated my body shape and I've been pretty self conscious since a young age, I thought of myself as chubby compared to others my age ( did get teased a few times by an individual). I preferred having boys as my friends as I found I couldn't relate to other girls very much, which I guess is why I'm always finding myself looking at other girls and getting jealous. I think to myself "Why the hell has she got lovely shaped legs and bum, why has she got lovely round hips and flat stomach, I bet she doesn't even work out!".
I've been going to the gym now for about 7 - 8 months to try and build myself up a little, trying my hardest not to overdo cardio and focus on lifting and weights because I hate the fact I have a flat bum, no leg shape to speak of and no womanly curve to my hips.
I started to notice more and more when I started going out with my boyfriend, who I've been with for a year and a half now. He works out, a lot, and it's making me feel bad about myself and insecure about my shape. He always tells me I'm beautiful and shouldn't worry, easier said than done I assure you. I have problems eating around him, mainly because my belly sticks out A LOT after I eat, even if it's not much. To me, that just looks plain unattractive and feels uncomfortable and ends up being my main focus of the day. I'm getting sick of it, and it's making me sick. I've had bulimia issues before and so far I've managed to stop that habit.
Really all I want is to feel more feminine, stop these unrealistic thoughts and ideals going through my head and just be happy.
I hope I didn't spurt to much in one go, I just felt like I needed to share. Cheers