"The Gollum"

Rugbynutter

Hi Friends,

I've never spoken about this before......to anyone.

Since getting on this site, I am astounded at how supportive you all are. It's given me the confidence to share something with you.

Former pro rugby player Brian Moore once wrote of "The Gollum" that exists in his head. Like the Tolkein character, he talks evil and will try to manipulate you. When you were feeling good, he starts talking to bring you down from your cloud.

I experienced him most of my life and I did this morning.

I noticed a girl in the gym, pretty, working hard. Not pretty in a "bimbo" sense but in a "she looks great" way. She was working in the weights as was I and she could handle herself. Working harder than most of the guys even. We caught eachother's eye and smiled at eachother, nothing untoward, more a polite acknowledgement of what we were both doing, that we were on the same path.

Then I saw what I can only assume was her boyfriend. Ladies - this chap was a good looking guy.

"Diet Coke Break" good looking.

All of a sudden The Gollum made himself known, that familiar hateful little voice......

"You see you fat ugly *kitten*, you'll never be in her league.
Why do you even bother?
Give up.
No-one finds you attractive.
No one will.
It doesn't matter what you do.
You're so stupid.
You can't change your STUPID. FAT. FACE."

If anyone has suffered from similar, you know the words.

Now I'm married to a beautiful woman, have an even more beautiful 3 yr old daughter, I'm in good shape, I'm good at my job and provide for my family. I know I shouldn't have done but I let him in.

Maybe he's right?

Maybe I'll never be "that guy", the one that turns heads, that is desired.

Maybe I am wasting my time, kidding myself that what I'm doing is making a difference. That the 0600 starts, the constant battles with food, the injuries...maybe it is all pointless?

But.......

Maybe one day it will be my voice that he listens to. That I'll be the one saying

"GIVE UP YOU PIECE OF *kitten*.
I was nearly homeless, lost in debt, drink & drugs and fought my way back.
It was you who took my Mother from me, you told her she wasn't worth anything.
She tried drown you in drink.
I've worked too damn hard to make this life,
My wife has too worked hard.
She needs me! My daughter needs me!
They are bigger than you!"

Maybe he'll go.

Maybe he'll stay.

One thing I know.

I won't stop trying.

He might win the odd battle every now and again.

But he won't take me.

I write this not for sympathy, because maybe someone else has a Gollum, maybe someone else struggles with the same.

Don't let him win.

Don't you dare give up.

With love

David

ImaWaterBender

Yep. I have that voice, too. But mine tells me all of the stupid stuff that I have said/done and that I look like my former mother in law.

We have to start putting good words in our heads.

What are you going to like about yourself today? I like that I can walk, exercise to some extent and that I don't have a terminal disease. That means that I still have a shot at getting fit and starting to match up who I am on the outside with who I am on the inside.

And for the record, that baby girl is amazingly cute.

_MG_

Well said.

Me and that little ****er end up battling more than I'd care to admit.

ImaWaterBender

For me, I find that it is easier to recall to mind the negative things that people have said to me or about me, than the positive. Why is that?

Rugbynutter

I wish I knew. He's different for everyone I guess. I've spent a lot of time thinking about it and I think I know why, just need to find the way to turn him off.

The voice says "you're fat" but the scales/photos say otherwise. Sometimes when I look at a photo of myself its a different person than I see in the mirror.

It doesn't happen often, I've had him licked for years but he's got louder in the last 18 months.

I guess there's no logic to it. Maybe our plan should be to use what he says as fuel, motivation. In the "real world" I hate being told that I'm not able to do something.

Could be as simple as just telling him to be quiet...a lot!

madhatter2013

That little b!@#h in my head stopped talking to me cause I just ignore her. The louder she gets, the less I hear her. Her sister punched her in the face the other day. LOL

miss_jessiejane

I know that voice.

Unknown

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BrainyBurro

everybody (except perhaps sociopaths and politicians) has this little voice in their heads to some degree or another.

UsedToBeHusky

You really should stop listening to him because you would totally turn my head.

mlanders22

I definitely have that voice. I'm my own worst critic.

Avalonis

So when he started talking about watching a pretty woman in the gym, and then a voice in his head started talking to him, I thought this story was about to get really dark and f***ed up, like "American Psycho" weird.

I think I've been reading Reddit comments too much lately.

Glad it was a healthy normal voice in his head.

craftywitch_63

Clinicians use something called "cognitive therapy" to deal with mood disorders. I'm NOT diagnosing you with depression, but the cognitive therapy will work in situations like this (it has for me.)

It kind of works like this:

Gollum: You're a piece of *kitten* and you will never amount to anything
You: Okay, so I won't be the "Diet Coke" guy but I am a good man and I can be healthy and have a much better body.

Gollum: You will never amount to anything
You: I already do. I'm a good man.

Etc., the trick is to answer Gollum with optimism everytime it tries to bring you down.

Tell Gollum it's a liar.

If this is a chronic problem, you might want to seek counseling. There is a book (isn't there always?) called "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy" by David Burns that might help.

Cudleigh

I have this voice in my head. It's been there as long as I can remember. As annoying and as much I hate the things that it says, it's not all bad. For one, it reminds me of the mistakes I've made. So I don't make them again.

I've given into it before. Thought I was an awful, worthless person. That was no good.
I've completely ignored it before. But then I found myself slacking off and not really caring about much. That was no good either.
Now I kind of listen to it for motivation. I like to prove it wrong.

I don't know if it's good or bad, but it's really really hard to insult me. Whenever people try, I laugh it off and tell them they're going to have to try harder than that. I've always heard worse.