Why don't you want me to take Kickboxing?????

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Replies

  • jrose1982
    jrose1982 Posts: 366 Member
    He sounds like my dad. My dad got pissy any time my mom found an outside interest. Be it working, volunteering, going to church, or even visiting her mother.

    She found ways to placate him until all of us kids grew up (and quite often simply gave up the activity he was pissed off about). Now we all gang up on him when he's being mean to her, so he's had to learn to cope. But I digress.

    On your situation: Some people are just clingy. And a lot of people simply don't like change. You say you've been working on getting healthier for a year and half. Which means there were probably many more years before that when you weren't. And that's what he's gotten used to.

    In fact, I'd bet it's probably more the change issue than any thing else. He was probably just getting used to you going to the gym when you added that kickboxing class. Just adapted to one change, and now he has to face another one. Some people just can't handle that.

    I think you're already doing what you can. Keep doing what you want to do, and make sure you spend lots of time with him. Also, show him lots of affection while you are with him. Even if he's being a jerk, keep giving him kisses. Try to minimize how your changes cause changes to his life. But it sounds like you're already doing all that.

    The only additional thing I can think of is counseling. Because until he's ready to explain himself (and he might not even know what his problem is), nothing is going to change. He might, eventually, adapt to the change in your schedule. But by the time that happens you'll be making a new change. A good marriage counselor might be able to get him to explain himself and coach you both on finding a middle ground.
  • Marcia315
    Marcia315 Posts: 460 Member
    , and GOD the stress relief I feel for getting to ground, and pound the bag is wonderful,

    Did you explain this part to him? It may help him understand better. My husband started getting a bit jealous and a bit needy as I started taking classes and losing. A big part of the exercise is stress release for me and he has seen the change in my stress levels.

    Yes he is VERY aware! I am a finance manager for "High Risk" loans, and started to have bad anxiety issues, because of job stress he knows that my exercise is essential to keeping me sane, and keeps me level-headed at home. I leave my stress at the gym, and the gym is my escape form home stress, and work stress. I could not picture me not having that time. I tell him that ALL the time. I am extremely vocal, and outspoken. I have no problem telling someone exactly what I am thinking. He has told me woman don't always tell you how they really feel. I tell him I am not that woman, and never have been. When I tell you something I mean it word for word. I tell him that he is the one who does not always express his true feelings, that a lot of time it comes out as anger, and that it takes him 2 or 3 arguments before I really know what is bugging him. I try to understand that, mostly because we have to very different backgrounds. He had a very hard life growing up, and I know he has self-esteem issues (things I have never had). I try to be understanding that he does not always articulate his feeling well, but sometime I am just lost, because I have never been where he has. I try to tell him to take me at face value. It sounds silly, but i can tell him the sky is blue, and the day is beautiful..... I swear he hears, We are under attack, and it is his fault it's happening. I am sure that comes from his background, but I can not for the life of me see where he gets that conclusion from??????????

    He sounds like an *kitten*.
  • somefitsomefat
    somefitsomefat Posts: 445 Member
    Even though it's a good thing to make life changes to get more fit, eat health, and/or lose weight it often gets overlooked at how jarring these changes can be to people who are close to you. I was in a similar situation with my ex. We met, fell in love, and had lots of fun getting fat together. After a few years of a lazy foody lifestyle together she decided it was time to do a 180 and get healthy. Great right? But she sold me on her old self. The one that liked having a few beers, liked going out to pig out, loved every food that's bad for you, loved staying home snacking, and loved being lazy. The new girl who had to go to the gym two hours a night, said "I can't eat that" all the time, and suddenly became obsessed with trying to be like her skinny single friends from work wasn't for me. I came around some eventually to the idea of losing weight but it was done by then and she was already enjoying the extra attention that women tend to get after losing weight. Having a group of friend dying to take her out clubbing every weekend didn't help. My advice if anything would be to keep doing what you need to do to get healthy and to be firm about it but at the same time give your husband some time to catch up if this truly is just about getting healthier. He likes the old you. Give him time to figure out why he needs to like the new you. Good luck!
  • Saucy_lil_Minx
    Saucy_lil_Minx Posts: 3,302 Member
    Is he used to being first, and him being your priority? He sounds like a ticked of child who isn't the centre of attention any more.

    I am sure this is part of the problem, because for the first 9 years of our relationship he was very sick, and I put him, and our son priority 1. There was a time I was not sure he would live through it, and I would be a widow taking care of an infant. Then, when he started toget better, his sister, and her children moved into our house after a terrible divorce (she was left with four kids, and nothing) I was busy taking care of a sick husband, and infant, two step-daughters, and my sister-in-law with her four children....(I KNOW CRAZY RIGHT!) I did put me on a back burner. Finally these past 2- years of me getting more fit has been about at least putting me back in the top 3 of my priority list, and I think sometimes that is hard for him to hear "I need to do me"
  • ninerbuff
    ninerbuff Posts: 48,961 Member
    Doesn't sound like you're being selfish. Has he been coddled his whole life?

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
  • Loralrose
    Loralrose Posts: 203
    Best case scenario: hubby is clingy, insecure, and worried that you've found something you love more than him. Afterall, from his point of view you're ditching him to go to kickboxing.... why would you do that if you loved him? He doesn't understand what you get from it no matter how much you explain, because he hasn't ever experienced it. You can try reassuring him by making set dates to do something special (that HE LIKES!) together. Then keep that date. Hopefully he'll realize that you do still love him and being with him.

    Worst case scenario: hubby is clingy, controlling, and angry that you're doing something outside of his control. He doesn't want you doing this because it's YOURS. You gain power and independence by doing things on your own for your own benefit. Maybe he doesn't like that. I see hints of this when you describe how he doesn't care if something helps you work off stress, etc. If this turns out to be true, you cannot fix the relationship. He is who he is and he will not change because of anything you do.

    Either way, keep doing what you love. Your health (both physical and emotional), is NOT NEGOTIABLE. And maybe think carefully about being in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your health and wellbeing?
  • Isca_1
    Isca_1 Posts: 124 Member
    Tell him to man up and then roundhouse him in the face.

    That'll learn him..... :wink:

    That is exactly what I was thinking!
  • Saucy_lil_Minx
    Saucy_lil_Minx Posts: 3,302 Member
    Doesn't sound like you're being selfish. Has he been coddled his whole life?

    A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
    IDEA Fitness member
    Kickboxing Certified Instructor
    Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

    Actually...flip it. I grew up in a strong middle class family where I wanted for nothing. However, my dad was military, and we were instilled in the values, of Family, and working hard for a living. My husbands mother, and father moved around a lot, and had several jobs. Eventually, they divorced. He was 13 when that happened, and went wild. His parents feeling guilty for the divorce wanted to be his friend, instead of his parent, and allowed him to do as he pleased. However, he worked very hard to make it pretty much on his own, and had nothing, until after we married. He is very loving, and is a wonderful father to our son. He works very hard to not be his parents. He is home before me most days, and takes care of a lot of cooking, cleaning, and homework duties. He is a little macho on things sometime with our son, but over all great with him. His daughters too. He is very jealous of anything that takes me away from him, and I do believe part of that is the fear of being his mom, and dad. He will also say things about he does not understand How I can trust him so much knowing the way he was with his ex..before me. I tell him I know he is not the out of control teenager he was before I came into his life. I will trust him because that is what you do for the one you love until they give you a reason to not trust them. I think he keeps waiting for what he calls a "God Smack" he feels like life is too good with me, because he was in such a horrible situation before me. I tell him those insecurities are something he has to deal with I can not let them run my life to where I don't live so that he feels safe. I tell him I will get to a point where I will resent this behavior of his because I can not feel free to be me. I work very hard to give him what he needs, and he has to allow me to get what I need too! Lord know I am not an easy person either. I am a control freak, about most things. I am super aggressive for a woman, and I am not a mushy, romantic (that he seems to really want me to be). I am very practical about most things (God knows I had to be with worrying over being a widow before I was 30 with his illness), and sometimes I worry that comes across as me being cold, so I try to compensate by allowing these kinds of arguments. So I am far from perfect too, but sometimes I just can not see where he is coming from.
  • Pipsg1rl
    Pipsg1rl Posts: 1,414 Member
    Have you ever heard of the 5 love languages?

    This sounds crazy but it sounds like his 2 are: Quality Time and maybe second Acts of Service.

    I have a quality time husband who loves to do everything with me. But quality time is my LOWEST love language.

    You guys should read the book or skip the book and take the quiz online to see if maybe you don't speak the same language.

    The 5 are:
    Quality Time
    Acts of Service
    Words of Affirmation
    Gifts
    Physical Touch (not just s.e.x.)

    My husband's and mine are COMPLETE opposites. I'm gifts. I love to do things alone. When I travel he gets way depressed! But he has a hard time understanding my language.

    Marriage is not something you just throw away.

    They have a Love Languages for Men but it's pretty much the same.

    (hugs)
  • StaciMarie1974
    StaciMarie1974 Posts: 4,138 Member
    For his past insecurities - things from before you - hopefully he can get past that. I don't know how long its been but for me: it took years. My Hubby's ex cheated on him, treated him badly. For a long time he had trust issues that had nothing to do with me, but came up with any little argument. I don't have a solution - but if he's worth it, then don't give up. Have faith that in time he can move beyond it.
  • Sawjer
    Sawjer Posts: 229 Member
    My only concern would be you getting hurt, maybe that's it.
  • Pirate_chick
    Pirate_chick Posts: 1,216 Member
    , and GOD the stress relief I feel for getting to ground, and pound the bag is wonderful,

    Did you explain this part to him? It may help him understand better. My husband started getting a bit jealous and a bit needy as I started taking classes and losing. A big part of the exercise is stress release for me and he has seen the change in my stress levels.


    Yes he is VERY aware! I am a finance manager for "High Risk" loans, and started to have bad anxiety issues, because of job stress he knows that my exercise is essential to keeping me sane, and keeps me level-headed at home. I leave my stress at the gym, and the gym is my escape form home stress, and work stress. I could not picture me not having that time. I tell him that ALL the time. I am extremely vocal, and outspoken. I have no problem telling someone exactly what I am thinking. He has told me woman don't always tell you how they really feel. I tell him I am not that woman, and never have been. When I tell you something I mean it word for word. I tell him that he is the one who does not always express his true feelings, that a lot of time it comes out as anger, and that it takes him 2 or 3 arguments before I really know what is bugging him. I try to understand that, mostly because we have to very different backgrounds. He had a very hard life growing up, and I know he has self-esteem issues (things I have never had). I try to be understanding that he does not always articulate his feeling well, but sometime I am just lost, because I have never been where he has. I try to tell him to take me at face value. It sounds silly, but i can tell him the sky is blue, and the day is beautiful..... I swear he hears, We are under attack, and it is his fault it's happening. I am sure that comes from his background, but I can not for the life of me see where he gets that conclusion from??????????

    He sounds like an *kitten*.


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  • TheBrolympus
    TheBrolympus Posts: 586 Member
    and have know he has always been clingy, and very jealous of anything that takes me away from him, but this is just getting ridiculous.

    If he has always been that way then why do you expect him to change now? How have you dealt with his clingy and jealous behavior in the past?
  • _funrungirl
    _funrungirl Posts: 145 Member
    :( That is really a tough situation. It is unfortunately common when one person starts to make great progress in improving their health and weight.

    Without knowing everything (or his side), it probably has to do with how you have changed over the past year and a half. You are probably gaining a lot of confidence in yourself. You probably feel better, look better, and that you are doing so many things without him, probably seem (to him) that you are becoming more independent. All of these are really great things and nothing you should ever be ashamed of, but he might be feeling a little "well what about me?" Your confidence in yourself might be growing but his is sinking.

    Communication is key. I don't believe in telling someone to "just get over it" or "deal with it". To me these seem uncharitable and unsympathetic to his feelings. Most likely it has absolutely nothing to do with kickboxing, and everything to do with him feeling insecure about himself, his relationship with you, and your relationship with him. If he is not a gym goer and you've become a gym rat, he might be wondering where he will fit in your new life.

    Take the time to reassure him, talk with him about something other than fitness, diet, etc, be affectionate, and just make sure you spend time with him doing some of the things he likes to do.

    Communicate and be patient.

    *Edited: This is all said with the assumption that there is no violence in the marriage. Violence, hitting, shaking, or any other unwanted physical contact is never ok and should never be tolerated.
  • Val_from_OH
    Val_from_OH Posts: 447 Member
    We have this same situation in my marriage, but the opposite, I get so frustrated with my husband who has taken up running for the past year or so. It is NOT because I am jealous of his fitness, or because I don't think running is a good hobby for him to have, I actually think it is fantastic, but the time involved is killing me!

    When the hubs decides to go for a run, he takes about 2 hours from the start of changing clothes to the after-run shower. It upsets me that he is choosing to use his 2 hours to run, rather than help with the never-ending housework. Add to it the additional laundry caused by his running gear, and I get pretty pissy. Not the most rationale line of thinking - I mean, I know how much he enjoys it, how it helps him destress, get rid of his gut, etc.; but I get overwhelmed by what is then left for me to do. Hubs doesn't get it, and is not willing to negotiate some type of schedule that works for both of us.

    So I guess my point is: are you holding up your end of the load at home? Does your husband end up with more work to do, like making dinner, or watching the kids, so that you can work out? If he is, that is okay, but you would need to see it from his perspective and figure out a way to better share the responsibility.
  • KarmaKills
    KarmaKills Posts: 99 Member
    He sounds a little jealous, insecure about himself and scared of the changes you're making to better yourself. Maybe he's afraid you'll leave him for somebody better if you become healthy and hot. Instead of trying to hold you back....he should join you so you can get healthy together.

    Bottom line....if you're happy taking these classes....don't stop! If he doesn't wanna better himself, that's HIS choice.
  • Saucy_lil_Minx
    Saucy_lil_Minx Posts: 3,302 Member
    Thank you all for your opinions. I am absolutely certain that counseling would be beneficial, however, you can lead a horse to water......,

    but until my husband realizes what I already know .... he won't go. Honestly I am not sure what will happen, but I know I am going to take care of me on my priority list. I may not be top on the list, but I will be close. To me my health, is not just important for myself, but for my son too. I get to be a better parent, because I am healthy enough to participate in his life, instead of sitting on a sideline. My husband will either come to terms, or start seeking a solution if he becomes unhappy enough. I can only seek inner peace for myself, and love him the best I can. I will work at it as long as he does too, I will not cease being me. I will always be in a constant state of flux, because I love change. I know change is hard for my husband, but it is part of life, and he would have to deal with some change even if it did not involve me. Thank you MFP'rs for being the support system I need.
  • PennyM140
    PennyM140 Posts: 423 Member
    I am in a similar situation. My husband complains when I give up family time to go to the gym and I feel so guilty about missing time with my son that I never go anyway. They are both use to me being home all of the time (when I'm not at work) it is hard to say "I'm leaving, just deal with it."

    No one can get the whole story from just hearing your side which I assume is partly a rant. You changed. You said you've been going to the gym for a year and a half and you are surprised that he isn't use to it yet. People rarely change so it isn't so odd to me that he thinks it is a fad or that he is having a difficult time adjusting.
    I think It's great that you are taking charge of your health, but your family is important too. It seems almost impossible for me to balance working full time, raising a family, and working out. I honestly don't know how anyone does it but i certainly applaud their efforts.

    I hope you are able to work out something you are both happy with. I just hate seeing these threads that turn into husband bashing on a poor guy that can't even defend himself.
  • Saucy_lil_Minx
    Saucy_lil_Minx Posts: 3,302 Member
    and have know he has always been clingy, and very jealous of anything that takes me away from him, but this is just getting ridiculous.

    If he has always been that way then why do you expect him to change now? How have you dealt with his clingy and jealous behavior in the past?


    This is different, because it is morphing into a much more severe form of clingy, and/ or jealousy. It is no longer just about being stuck to my side while we are out, or people approaching me. It is now about wanting to stop me from trying things I want to try, or living what I consider "normal life" without having to have an argument before I head out of the house. I don't want to feel restricted...deal with his base insecurities I can handle, and understand with his background, but getting angry, or telling me I can not do something without a valid or rational argument as to why IS NOT OK.
  • ChaplainHeavin
    ChaplainHeavin Posts: 426 Member
    I don't know, honey. I guess at some point you just have to say, "I need this and you have to understand and accept that," and end the discussion. Don't argue with him. Let him vent and don't react.

    Things in my relationship (different issues) got to the point where I was ready to walk away and he knew it before it got better. And as bad as it was, it was worth how good it is now. Some things can't be compromised, I think. It sometimes comes down to whether you can both be content. I don't think it's OK for one person to be miserable and give in 100% to the other. That is a slave, not a husband or wife.

    He may just need a serious wakeup call.

    This
  • Saucy_lil_Minx
    Saucy_lil_Minx Posts: 3,302 Member


    *Edited: This is all said with the assumption that there is no violence in the marriage. Violence, hitting, shaking, or any other unwanted physical contact is never ok and should never be tolerated.

    My husband would NEVER raise a hand to me, or any of mine! Nor would I tolerate something that would even resemble a physical threat! He is a very good man, and do not want to "husband bash" him in anyway. He my have his flaws, and does not always use the best words to express himself, but I am truly looking for solutions to handle what I consider an "irrational anger" toward a class or two. I want to make sure I am not just being bull- headed about not giving in on this. (Something I can sometimes be). He knows he can always come to the gym, as a matter of fact I ask if he is going to almost every time I go. I encourage him to try things he is interested in, and I have always been an evolving person. He should be VERY used to change happening around, and with me. So yeah this "irrational anger" over a class is an evolution for him above his normal insecurities, and clingy behavior. Far more than just a normal "jealousy" thing. I could see if I was adding these classes, and keeping to the five days week I go to the gym, but no I modified my workout schedule so that I am pretty much on the same schedule I have been. This way I am taking no more, or no less time away from family or obligations. I only need his schedule, because he has had schedule changes at work himself, where I may need to pick our son up before I go to the gym, or go directly from work.
  • dbanks80
    dbanks80 Posts: 3,685 Member
    Is he afraid you're going to kick his *kitten*?

    But seriously...is the class extra cost outside of the gym membership? Do you spend hours upon hours in the gym? If not then maybe you can do some periodic outdoor exercises (bike ride, jog, long brisk walk) and encourage him to join you.
  • Saucy_lil_Minx
    Saucy_lil_Minx Posts: 3,302 Member
    Is he afraid you're going to kick his *kitten*?

    But seriously...is the class extra cost outside of the gym membership? Do you spend hours upon hours in the gym? If not then maybe you can do some periodic outdoor exercises (bike ride, jog, long brisk walk) and encourage him to join you.

    He is a pretty big guy, so kicking his butt would be rather difficult (6ft 2, 220 lbs) vs. (5ft 6, 205 lbs). Yes there is extra cost of $30.00 a month which I have worked into the budget, and discussed with him prior to starting the class. It does not take extra time away b/c if I go to the class it replaces a cardio day at the other gym. I always ask him to go to the gym, and almost always he is too tired, or he is already settled at home..ect. He does walk Sundays at the lake with me, but that is about it. Sometimes he is still at work when I go to my class, so I would not be with him anyway.
  • I'm in a similar situation with my wife. She's a very outgoing person and I'm the complete opposite. She's always been interested in kickboxing and recently started at a new MMA gym. While I try to be supportive of her, our agreement was that she could train for fitness / weight-loss purposes but absolutely no competitive fighting. Well that lasted a few months, then she approached me about fighting. I wasn't happy but I don't want to stand in the way of her dreams, so I agreed to one fight. Bear in mind we're trying to get pregnant so I already don't approve of the sport. About 2 weeks prior to her fight, she fractured her ankle at the gym which resulted in an operation and now she's on crutches for several weeks and then physio.

    So now as much as I know it could've happened outside the gym, I immediately assign blame to the gym. I didn't want to see her get hurt and she did. She is still persistent about wanting to fight again even though we should be concentrating on trying to conceive. And the last thing I want to see happen is that she hurts herself again.

    I can as her husband admit to being insecure in our marriage. I worry that she spends time at the gym to be away from me. I worry that she will develop feelings for guys at the gym who have better bodies than I do and share her interests. I worry that she will lose weight and I will seem less desirable to her. I worry about her safety.

    I unfortunately don't have any interest in the sport, so joining her isn't for me and I don't want to suffocate her. But I do try support her as much as I can by accompanying her to watch fights. Deep down, I just want to step in and stop her from going to kickboxing but that will lead to arguments, and marital stress.

    Any advice for me?