Why don't you want me to take Kickboxing?????
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I don't know, honey. I guess at some point you just have to say, "I need this and you have to understand and accept that," and end the discussion. Don't argue with him. Let him vent and don't react.
Things in my relationship (different issues) got to the point where I was ready to walk away and he knew it before it got better. And as bad as it was, it was worth how good it is now. Some things can't be compromised, I think. It sometimes comes down to whether you can both be content. I don't think it's OK for one person to be miserable and give in 100% to the other. That is a slave, not a husband or wife.
He may just need a serious wakeup call.0 -
I really hope that you can find a way to reconcile these differences. Neither of you should have to feel like you are sacrificing happiness for the other's sake. Good luck.
Some degree of sacrifice is necessary in every marriage. I'd be perfectly happy sitting at home playing video games all day then hanging out with my friends every night, but obviously that's not an option.
Not saying OP is out of line of course, but when you're married there are more important things than overarching happiness at all costs.0 -
Tough one, but explain to him that the working out makes you happy and you really enjoy doing the classes. You are willing to compromise and fit it in when it's convenient, that says a lot. You are not being selfish and you are considering him when you make your own schedule. Also explain to him that he might be happier if he also found ways to fill his spare time. There are things you could do together. Drag him to one of your classes or gym sessions and encourage him to talk with a trainer about setting up a program. You don't have to work out "together" but you could be at the gym at the same time and meet at the end and talk about how great you feel over dinner or a cup of coffee. He must be enjoying the benefits of your improved physical stamina and physique
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Insecurities.... *Smh..... Its a MFer... I have been there with past relationships... meaning my GF thought I was "too much into me" kind of thing. Well news flash babe.... I was like this before you, I will be like this during you, and I will be like this after you. It is not like training is a part time job. It is 1-1.5hrs 3-4 days a week. Most people are on their a** far longer then that and I am doing something that betters my quality of life. So it is either you are on board, get with the program and deal with it or there is the door... dont let it hit you in the a** OTW out.0
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Lots of good answers. Are you missing routine activities that you used to do? Maybe he liked watching some tv show or something with you, but he's not very good at expressing himself. Maybe he thinks something so mundane might not be a good enough reason, so he's attacking the general concept.
Well I have always been one to need "Me time", but we do have activities we do together. We always take a four mile walk on Sundays together (just him, and I). He loves TV, and Movies (really the only thing he shows interest in). I am a book reader, and prefer to be out of the house, but I try to at least get an hour of some TV time with him nightly after our son goes to bed. We always have Family time with our son. I try to encourage him to do other activities with me, but it is like pulling teeth... I am actually surprised I get him to do our Sunday walk around the lake! Sometime I feel like he wants me to be available to do what he wants at his beck, and call. I am SOOO NOT that girl, and never have been. He has said a couple of time to me, "We're married we should do everything together" I have tried telling him "I plan on being with you for the next 50 years of my life every waking second is not going to be us attached, at the hip. I have told him it is OK to want to go hang with his buddies, that it is OK to still be who he was before we said "I DO". That I trust him, and do not need to know EVERYTHING, or be EVERYWHERE with him. I just afraid after 10 years of marriage he is just not getting any better with these problems...actually he is getting worse......0 -
I will be 100% straight-up with you......
You deserve better.
You deserve health, freedom, support, and encouragement to be yourself.
You deserve real love, not someone trying to suppress or control you due to their own emotional issues. He needs to stop projecting and running from his problems. You're doing great - keep up your interests and passions and fitness, and hopefully you will find the courage to walk away and never look back.
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If he's a clingy person in general, maybe the key is involving him. Maybe there's class/activity that you both can enjoy together. For me and my bf, we go kayaking and play tennis together, that way he feels involved in that aspect of my life too. Maybe instead of one of your normal workouts you two can go for a hike or go to the gym together so he doesn't feel like the quest to be fit and healthy is in part to get away from him.0
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, and GOD the stress relief I feel for getting to ground, and pound the bag is wonderful,
Did you explain this part to him? It may help him understand better. My husband started getting a bit jealous and a bit needy as I started taking classes and losing. A big part of the exercise is stress release for me and he has seen the change in my stress levels.
Yes he is VERY aware! I am a finance manager for "High Risk" loans, and started to have bad anxiety issues, because of job stress he knows that my exercise is essential to keeping me sane, and keeps me level-headed at home. I leave my stress at the gym, and the gym is my escape form home stress, and work stress. I could not picture me not having that time. I tell him that ALL the time. I am extremely vocal, and outspoken. I have no problem telling someone exactly what I am thinking. He has told me woman don't always tell you how they really feel. I tell him I am not that woman, and never have been. When I tell you something I mean it word for word. I tell him that he is the one who does not always express his true feelings, that a lot of time it comes out as anger, and that it takes him 2 or 3 arguments before I really know what is bugging him. I try to understand that, mostly because we have to very different backgrounds. He had a very hard life growing up, and I know he has self-esteem issues (things I have never had). I try to be understanding that he does not always articulate his feeling well, but sometime I am just lost, because I have never been where he has. I try to tell him to take me at face value. It sounds silly, but i can tell him the sky is blue, and the day is beautiful..... I swear he hears, We are under attack, and it is his fault it's happening. I am sure that comes from his background, but I can not for the life of me see where he gets that conclusion from??????????0 -
You are much more patient than me.
Truth, I would have been gone. I digress, it seems he's jealous and insecure. If you really love him and think he's worth sticking around for then counseling is the best option in my opinion.0 -
I will be 100% straight-up with you......
You deserve better.
You deserve health, freedom, support, and encouragement to be yourself.
You deserve real love, not someone trying to suppress or control you due to their own emotional issues. He needs to stop projecting and running from his problems. You're doing great - keep up your interests and passions and fitness, and hopefully you will find the courage to walk away and never look back.
^^^^^^ THIS^^^^^^ HUGS!0 -
He sounds like my dad. My dad got pissy any time my mom found an outside interest. Be it working, volunteering, going to church, or even visiting her mother.
She found ways to placate him until all of us kids grew up (and quite often simply gave up the activity he was pissed off about). Now we all gang up on him when he's being mean to her, so he's had to learn to cope. But I digress.
On your situation: Some people are just clingy. And a lot of people simply don't like change. You say you've been working on getting healthier for a year and half. Which means there were probably many more years before that when you weren't. And that's what he's gotten used to.
In fact, I'd bet it's probably more the change issue than any thing else. He was probably just getting used to you going to the gym when you added that kickboxing class. Just adapted to one change, and now he has to face another one. Some people just can't handle that.
I think you're already doing what you can. Keep doing what you want to do, and make sure you spend lots of time with him. Also, show him lots of affection while you are with him. Even if he's being a jerk, keep giving him kisses. Try to minimize how your changes cause changes to his life. But it sounds like you're already doing all that.
The only additional thing I can think of is counseling. Because until he's ready to explain himself (and he might not even know what his problem is), nothing is going to change. He might, eventually, adapt to the change in your schedule. But by the time that happens you'll be making a new change. A good marriage counselor might be able to get him to explain himself and coach you both on finding a middle ground.0 -
, and GOD the stress relief I feel for getting to ground, and pound the bag is wonderful,
Did you explain this part to him? It may help him understand better. My husband started getting a bit jealous and a bit needy as I started taking classes and losing. A big part of the exercise is stress release for me and he has seen the change in my stress levels.
Yes he is VERY aware! I am a finance manager for "High Risk" loans, and started to have bad anxiety issues, because of job stress he knows that my exercise is essential to keeping me sane, and keeps me level-headed at home. I leave my stress at the gym, and the gym is my escape form home stress, and work stress. I could not picture me not having that time. I tell him that ALL the time. I am extremely vocal, and outspoken. I have no problem telling someone exactly what I am thinking. He has told me woman don't always tell you how they really feel. I tell him I am not that woman, and never have been. When I tell you something I mean it word for word. I tell him that he is the one who does not always express his true feelings, that a lot of time it comes out as anger, and that it takes him 2 or 3 arguments before I really know what is bugging him. I try to understand that, mostly because we have to very different backgrounds. He had a very hard life growing up, and I know he has self-esteem issues (things I have never had). I try to be understanding that he does not always articulate his feeling well, but sometime I am just lost, because I have never been where he has. I try to tell him to take me at face value. It sounds silly, but i can tell him the sky is blue, and the day is beautiful..... I swear he hears, We are under attack, and it is his fault it's happening. I am sure that comes from his background, but I can not for the life of me see where he gets that conclusion from??????????
He sounds like an *kitten*.0 -
Even though it's a good thing to make life changes to get more fit, eat health, and/or lose weight it often gets overlooked at how jarring these changes can be to people who are close to you. I was in a similar situation with my ex. We met, fell in love, and had lots of fun getting fat together. After a few years of a lazy foody lifestyle together she decided it was time to do a 180 and get healthy. Great right? But she sold me on her old self. The one that liked having a few beers, liked going out to pig out, loved every food that's bad for you, loved staying home snacking, and loved being lazy. The new girl who had to go to the gym two hours a night, said "I can't eat that" all the time, and suddenly became obsessed with trying to be like her skinny single friends from work wasn't for me. I came around some eventually to the idea of losing weight but it was done by then and she was already enjoying the extra attention that women tend to get after losing weight. Having a group of friend dying to take her out clubbing every weekend didn't help. My advice if anything would be to keep doing what you need to do to get healthy and to be firm about it but at the same time give your husband some time to catch up if this truly is just about getting healthier. He likes the old you. Give him time to figure out why he needs to like the new you. Good luck!0
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Is he used to being first, and him being your priority? He sounds like a ticked of child who isn't the centre of attention any more.
I am sure this is part of the problem, because for the first 9 years of our relationship he was very sick, and I put him, and our son priority 1. There was a time I was not sure he would live through it, and I would be a widow taking care of an infant. Then, when he started toget better, his sister, and her children moved into our house after a terrible divorce (she was left with four kids, and nothing) I was busy taking care of a sick husband, and infant, two step-daughters, and my sister-in-law with her four children....(I KNOW CRAZY RIGHT!) I did put me on a back burner. Finally these past 2- years of me getting more fit has been about at least putting me back in the top 3 of my priority list, and I think sometimes that is hard for him to hear "I need to do me"0 -
Doesn't sound like you're being selfish. Has he been coddled his whole life?
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition0 -
Best case scenario: hubby is clingy, insecure, and worried that you've found something you love more than him. Afterall, from his point of view you're ditching him to go to kickboxing.... why would you do that if you loved him? He doesn't understand what you get from it no matter how much you explain, because he hasn't ever experienced it. You can try reassuring him by making set dates to do something special (that HE LIKES!) together. Then keep that date. Hopefully he'll realize that you do still love him and being with him.
Worst case scenario: hubby is clingy, controlling, and angry that you're doing something outside of his control. He doesn't want you doing this because it's YOURS. You gain power and independence by doing things on your own for your own benefit. Maybe he doesn't like that. I see hints of this when you describe how he doesn't care if something helps you work off stress, etc. If this turns out to be true, you cannot fix the relationship. He is who he is and he will not change because of anything you do.
Either way, keep doing what you love. Your health (both physical and emotional), is NOT NEGOTIABLE. And maybe think carefully about being in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your health and wellbeing?0 -
Tell him to man up and then roundhouse him in the face.
That'll learn him.....
That is exactly what I was thinking!0 -
Doesn't sound like you're being selfish. Has he been coddled his whole life?
A.C.E. Certified Personal/Group FitnessTrainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
Actually...flip it. I grew up in a strong middle class family where I wanted for nothing. However, my dad was military, and we were instilled in the values, of Family, and working hard for a living. My husbands mother, and father moved around a lot, and had several jobs. Eventually, they divorced. He was 13 when that happened, and went wild. His parents feeling guilty for the divorce wanted to be his friend, instead of his parent, and allowed him to do as he pleased. However, he worked very hard to make it pretty much on his own, and had nothing, until after we married. He is very loving, and is a wonderful father to our son. He works very hard to not be his parents. He is home before me most days, and takes care of a lot of cooking, cleaning, and homework duties. He is a little macho on things sometime with our son, but over all great with him. His daughters too. He is very jealous of anything that takes me away from him, and I do believe part of that is the fear of being his mom, and dad. He will also say things about he does not understand How I can trust him so much knowing the way he was with his ex..before me. I tell him I know he is not the out of control teenager he was before I came into his life. I will trust him because that is what you do for the one you love until they give you a reason to not trust them. I think he keeps waiting for what he calls a "God Smack" he feels like life is too good with me, because he was in such a horrible situation before me. I tell him those insecurities are something he has to deal with I can not let them run my life to where I don't live so that he feels safe. I tell him I will get to a point where I will resent this behavior of his because I can not feel free to be me. I work very hard to give him what he needs, and he has to allow me to get what I need too! Lord know I am not an easy person either. I am a control freak, about most things. I am super aggressive for a woman, and I am not a mushy, romantic (that he seems to really want me to be). I am very practical about most things (God knows I had to be with worrying over being a widow before I was 30 with his illness), and sometimes I worry that comes across as me being cold, so I try to compensate by allowing these kinds of arguments. So I am far from perfect too, but sometimes I just can not see where he is coming from.0 -
Have you ever heard of the 5 love languages?
This sounds crazy but it sounds like his 2 are: Quality Time and maybe second Acts of Service.
I have a quality time husband who loves to do everything with me. But quality time is my LOWEST love language.
You guys should read the book or skip the book and take the quiz online to see if maybe you don't speak the same language.
The 5 are:
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Words of Affirmation
Gifts
Physical Touch (not just s.e.x.)
My husband's and mine are COMPLETE opposites. I'm gifts. I love to do things alone. When I travel he gets way depressed! But he has a hard time understanding my language.
Marriage is not something you just throw away.
They have a Love Languages for Men but it's pretty much the same.
(hugs)0 -
For his past insecurities - things from before you - hopefully he can get past that. I don't know how long its been but for me: it took years. My Hubby's ex cheated on him, treated him badly. For a long time he had trust issues that had nothing to do with me, but came up with any little argument. I don't have a solution - but if he's worth it, then don't give up. Have faith that in time he can move beyond it.0
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