Picking up the pieces

LosingLaurensWay

I return here battered and bruised. My morale was low. Since January I have been in the middle of the single most stressful time of my life. Every bullet my family and I have ever dodged returned with vengeance, hitting bullseye, knocking us out. I fell behind, I fell back in to my old ways. Food beckoned me to take comfort in it's arms and I did. Slowly, I watched my hard work disappear pound by pound and I was too overwhelmed by outside forces to care.

I sat there eating mindlessly, fully aware and yet completely oblivious of what I was doing. Going to bed at night in horror recalling how much I actually ate, only to wake the next day to repeat the same actions.

It wasn't until I went to the gym this week that I realized the wonderful high I was missing from loosing weight, from working out, from the ache of my muscles. Remembered how friends and family used to look at me, how excited they were to hear that number slowly creep over the 100 pounds mark. How confident I felt. How happy I felt. How hopeful I felt. I let all of that go so I could sit on the couch eating chips an bagel bites, alone and festering in my anxiety and apathy.

Once again I feel the same spark I did before that started my journey. It's not an ultimatum, or a journey fueled by self-loathing or anger. It is a journey of self that is fueled by the hope to regain happiness, to feel good once again, to achieve normalcy. I don't want to get to a certain weight. All I want is to achieve a body that reflects the strength and beauty with in me.

If anyone else feels the same way or feels like the are stuck in that same place let me know or friend me.

babyirimastar

You write beautifully!

"I sat there eating mindlessly, fully aware and yet completely oblivious of what I was doing. Going to bed at night in horror recalling how much I actually ate, only to wake the next day to repeat the same actions. "

I read this and just sighed, it is exactly my relationship with food throughout my life and I've never been really able to put it into words, but you just did. I completely understand where you are coming from!

"It is a journey of self that is fueled by the hope to regain happiness, to feel good once again, to achieve normalcy. I don't want to get to a certain weight. All I want is to achieve a body that reflects the strength and beauty with in me. "

This is wonderful as well...full steam ahead from here. That's all we can do, pick up, dust off, and keep at it!! You are so right, I want to see ME when I look in the mirror and I don't remember the last time I did.
Many many good wishes coming your way!!

editorgrrl

Welcome back! You've already lost 105 lbs. (Congratulations!), so you know what you need to do. But you still might find something useful in this amazing post: http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1080242-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants

JessG11

"I sat there eating mindlessly, fully aware and yet completely oblivious of what I was doing. Going to bed at night in horror recalling how much I actually ate, only to wake the next day to repeat the same actions."

This is the PERFECT description of me. I sat in bed the other night, sore from a workout, freedom from guilt because I did my body a favor and ate great throughout my day, I looked at my fiance and told him how great it was to go to bed not feeling gross from my food choices and not feeling guilty because I wasted another day and knowing that tomorrow I was going to tackle it head on. I stress eat horribly and have began taking strides in dealing with my stress which has directly helped my stress eating.

Good for you! I'm for sure sending you a friend request!

cordianet

Great post! I could have written it myself. I went from 302 all they way down to 218, then tore up my shoulder and ended up having 2 surgeries to fix it. I've gained back over 40 pounds in the 9 months since the original injury. I was wallowing in self-pity over that and some other significant family related stressors.

In short, I got to a pretty dark place and returned to old eating habits looking to food to comfort me. I'm happy to report I'm now 3 weeks post surgery (for the second time), and although it's going to likely be 5 months before I'm back to normal, I'm ready to focus again on healing physically and emotionally. That includes logging my food and doing what exercise I can.

I'm a happily married man, thus out of respect for my loving wife, I won't send any of you wonderful ladies a friend request. Not that I turn down female friends, I have many of my FL. It's just that I always feel odd about it and would rather they sought me out for the right reasons. I guess it just feels less creepy that way?

Anyway, best of luck to you, and thanks for the uplifting post!

ScarletFyre

If i hadn't already friended you, i would!
that was beautifully written, and inspirational! thank you for posting! :flowerforyou: