Need Advice About Love (Guys I Need You're Help, Too)

brittlynne3579

I know I posted a similar topic on my personal blog, but wanted to see if I could get more of a response by posting a forum topic, especially from guys.

I dated a wonderful man for 9 months. I just recently moved to be closer to him and 2 weeks before I got here, he broke up with me. Though he tried to ask for a second chance, my heart was broken and I just couldn't do it.

People (including my ex) assume since I didn't reconsider that I'm not sad or question if I loved him, which is not the case at all! This happened about a month ago and since then I can't sleep normally. I can get a good night sleep about every 3 days once I'm exhausted, or with the aide of a half and Advil PM. My stomach is in cramps and knots and I suffer from hightened anxiety. I've continued my exercise regimen which will burn a little stress and make me a little less anxious, but overall it's just not doing the trick.

Alot of my anxiety and sadness stems from the fact that even though he broke up with me, since I was unable to give him a second chance, this breakup turned in to my issues, my problems and my 'heartless attitude.'

I know breakups are something that take time to recover from, but how can I rebuild my life and heal my heart as the time passes? :brokenheart:

JennaM222

Keep yourself Busy!!!! and dont facebook stalk him! ha :laugh:

rml_16

You're experiencing something very normal that WILL fade with time.

I went through a tough breakup about 10 years ago and I don't think I slept a wink for a week straight. I couldn't function at all for a good month and it took two full years to stop having breakdowns out of nowhere. It doesn't take everyone that long, but I think everyone goes through some form of that.

You were under no obligation to take the guy back after he behaved poorly towards you. I don't understand why people would treat you badly for that. You made a decision for your life and only you know if that was right or wrong for you. Maybe you need new friends. :-)

Anyway, even now when the boyfriend and I aren't getting along, I have trouble sleeping from the stress. Perfectly normal. Just be careful about taking sleep aids and getting to the point where you can't sleep without them.

nolachick

Girl I would love to hear other people's advice as I am going through something similar.

Alysgrma

Hi,
First of all, you have to think about why you wouldn't give him a second chance...because of Pride, you feeling sorry for yourself or you just feel it was better to let him go? If it was just pride...etiher contact him and tell him it was pride or you just move on. Wipe your tears, tighten the belt and get yourself busy doing something other then thinking of the "whys, and what if's".

Please don't think I am being hateful or nasty, I know what I am talking about. I lost my daughter in a car crash, lost my job, house and lastly my husband to another woman all within 6 mos of each other in 2005. So after feeling sorry for myself for years I picked myself up by my boot straps, dusted myself off and have gone head on into making my life a better life and me a better person. I did the pity party for a few years and now it is my time.

Think about what you want out of life...then go for it!!!

Good Luck,
Mary

countindowntothin

First let me say I am soooo proud of you for standing up for yourself and NOT taking him back after he broke your heart! I know you are hurting now but you probably saved yourself ALOT more hurt in the long run. I was with a guy several years ago, and he would toy me along and dump me at his convenience and every time I took him back. After almost 2 years of this I put my foot down and said I'm done. I had his number blocked, I blocked him on Facebook and myspace, and blocked him on my email. Once he saw I was serious and was truly done, he came after me. He came to my job, my house, made fake facebook pages, all trying to get me back. I cried for months. I would hear songs that made me think of him, or smells that smelled like him, and break down in tears. It took almost a year to get over him, but I did. And I am sooo much happier for it now. 2 weeks before my wedding, (he had heard through mutual friends I was getting hitched) he facebooks me, Begging me not to marry my husband! We hadn't spoken in years! But I felt confident and knew that my husband was the best thing that ever happened to me and I couldnt be happier!

sjoy711

I'm proud of you for not taking him back. If it is true love, then there should have been no question in his mind. I had a guy do that to me for 3 years - but I finally saw the pattern and stopped taking him back. He didn't want me long-term (he never had) he only wanted me when it was convenient for him, and that is not the kind of relationship any girl should settle for. Always remember that you are worth more than that. Any girl deserves a man who worships her, loves her for who she is, and would never walk away from her for fear that another guy may swoop in and sweep her off her feet. I'm married to a wonderful man now (met him 3 years after bad boyfried) and my mom said the other day "I'm so jealous of the way he looks at you - everyone can tell that he adores you and is in awe of you".
That's the kind of love you want. That's the kind of love you need. And THAT is the kind of love that you deserve.

The right guy is out there - and he is worth the wait. So keep all of that in mind - and sleep better knowing that someday your prince will come.

Kminor67

I first want to tell you that I have been there. I once dated a guy for a year and a half, and I wanted to marry him. The problem was that he did not make me a priority in his life. I loved everything about him... he made me laugh, he was cute, I ADORED his kids, and he was responsible, but I made him a priority in my life and he refused to do the same for me. Finally, I broke up with him. I was devastated and my heart was broken, even though I was the one who ended it. It doesn't matter who ends it. You put yourself on the line... MOVED for him, and he still dumped you. If he was willing to dump you knowing that you were moving for him, when is the nest time he dumps you? When you're getting ready to walk down the aisle? You are protecting yourself from future harm from a man who is not willing to do for you what you do for him. I don't think you're heartless; I think that you are playing it smart. My philosophy is: if your head and your heart don't agree, listen to your head because your heart isn't logical. You'll get through this. Spend some time figuring out who you are without him, and what you really want out of a relationship, and then GO FOR IT!

bikerbiz

Console yourself that it probably wasn't right to begin with, especially when he had second thoughts as you moved closer (he probably felt more of an obligation, then, and wasn't ready to handle that). Break the push-pull cycle before it starts, look for real actions, and don't expect anyone to change--you have to be able to accept someone the way he/she is. I gave my ex a thousand second-chances because I believed her when she apologized, and promised to get help...because that's what I wanted to believe. It was a mistake, every time--things were always worse after 1-2 weeks back together. (she was diagnosed later with cyclothymia, a form of bipolar, but that's another story...now I counsel people in relationships with victims of abuse...mostly childhood abuse)

When you finally reach the point where you can recognize those behaviors, set boundaries, and not fall for the cyclical push-pull (especially of a long distance relationship where everyone is on best behavior, not knowing whey you will see each other again)...you will feel like a weight has been lifted.

Keep exercising, and treating yourself right. And as my friend's coach told him, there are many others--try a different flavor. :-)

FitnessTim

I think talking about it is a good first step to recovery. Grief is a tricky thing. You don't want to wallow in it indefinitely but at the same time it is important that you don't suppress it.

Often when people grieve they will put aside important things in their life like exercise, work and housecleaning. To some extent this can't be helped, but it is important to not lose sight of the other things that are important in your life. You don't want to get to a point where you are done grieving and then realize that everything else in your life is a mess.

Also don't associate the breakup with your sense of self worth. A woman usually breaks up with a man because he is a jerk. A man usually breaks up with a woman because the man is a jerk. That's a joke but there may be some truth in it.

Don't give in to life's temporary setbacks.

binary_jester

First apologies from the skeptic. Nine months seems soon? You said you moved closer. How drastic was the move? Across the city or across the country? To me there is a difference. Across the country means more of a commitment. If it was long distance, perhaps it was more difficult feeling out he might be a commitment-phobe. Possible cold feet balking at the relationship taking the next step.

As for now, you might be going through parts of the grieving process. Sometimes things take time to set in. I'd give myself more time. Make it through each day as best you can.

brittlynne3579

A HUGE thanks to everyone for their kind words! It has helped me tremendously to know that people are out there that have gone through the same things...especially my boys out there

I would never say an ugly word about my ex. Though I'm confused, sad and hurt, I cannot dispute that our relationship aside he's a wonderful person and father. I just need to start accepting that he is not the right person for me.

I noticed several asked why I didn't take him back. For me, pride is never an issue. When you love you need to love openly and shamelessly. Fact of the matter is, I moved across the country (Texas to South Carolina) and in an instant, the relationship was over. While I know people make mistakes, I have never felt so shattered and I knew I couldn't get past the sudden and shocking way it occurred.

I guess like one of the boys said, talking about it helps. I don't look to anyone to validate or dispute my decision, just to know there are caring people like you guys out there that can help me start to move on from :brokenheart: to

chelekaz

Wow, do I know this song and dance. I started dating a guy in Oct of 1997 whom I met along side the road. Yes, I said it. He worked construction (ok, held the stop/slow sign) and I passed him every day to work. I felt like I needed to talk to him. Stopped, gave him my number and we dated for a number of months. It was great but he broke up with me the day AFTER Valentine's Day 1998. I was devestated and walked away a mess. About a year later he had switched jobs and now was working for Terminix who happened to do the office building I worked in. We started dating again.. and yet again a few months later it was over. I couldn't figure out what was going on. It always seemed good to me. But, the topper was the 3rd time.. yes, I said it... THIRD time we started dating. It was after my father passed away ( I had actually called him when my Dad got sick for support) and a few months later we were dating ... again.. Nov. 2000 he tells me "I don't love you balls to bones" and I'm not even sure who you are. You are a shell of a person. I don't know you. You don't show who YOU are and never let me see your personality. Wow.. ok. Two weeks later the phone starts ringing. I tell him my emotions are not connected to a water faucet and I cannot just turn them on and off like that. Needless to say I ended up agreeing to dinner. Every person in my family is thinking and saying I am a weak sap didn't I get it yet?! He made dinner, asked me back out, I said no but we kept getting together. Two weeks before Christmas we got back together. Christmas Eve he proposed. Today, we are celebrating our 9th wedding anniversary.

OK... you are thinking great, Michele, why are you telling me all of this?!

For one reason. Through out every one of our break ups and every one of those heart breaks. I knew that we were meant to be together and that I had to keep going back for me. Yes, he made mistakes in our relationships and he broke my heart a few times. But I really loved him and I knew it my heart that we would be where we are today. I wasn't giving him all of myself in our earlier dating attempts. I didn't accept who I was, how could he? But once I did it was wonderful.

So I guess you need to follow your heart and what you know to be your true feelings. As for what others think for you not taking him back; their opinion doesn't matter. It's hard to keep going back and getting your heart broken in pieces, I know that. But, if you truly love him and you know in your heart that you are supposed to be with him then I urge you to at least talk with him.

On the other hand, if you cannot take him back for your own reasons, then maybe there was another reason why you were together and you moved. Maybe he was the reason for you moving.... and that might lead you to find the reason for staying. I am a big believer in all things happen for a reason and that we are all connected. Whatever you decide... I am here supporting you 100%.

lilRicki

I've never had my heart crushed...the one man I fell in love with proposed to me after 2.5 years of being together. He was my first long term relationship, and now my last lol...but what you did shows that you have high regard for yourself. Protect your self-esteem, nobody else will. You can't make a hoe a housewife! Meaning you can't mold someone into your ideal. You may want long term and commitment, but it can't be with just anybody. And if you're anything like me, it won't be with the man you thought you'd end up with lol. I was totally thrown for a loop when I fell in love with my fiance, he was totally not what I wanted in any way. He was a single father, worked his *kitten* off, didn't own anything, crazy family...but in the end you can't help who you love. Just make sure he deserves is, and shows you that he deserves it! By treating you like crap and dumping you after YOU make a huge commitment was sleazy...maybe he should have thought about it more before you moved. I mean now you can re-invent yourself and have an awesome time in your new settings...find some young hottie that will look at you like he wants to eat you alive! Don't think of moving FOR your ex was a bad thing, think of it as a new beginning with endless possibilities. And like I said, guard your self-esteem...don't hand your hear to just anyone, make 'em work for it, because now it's a little damaged...don't shatter it

lilRicki

Sorry, posted twice again, so I deleted it:grumble:

neelia

Don't take this the wrong way- but its time to put on your big girl panties!

I remember reading your blog the day you posted about the breakup and I know how heartbroken you were(/are). You should give yourself a big ol' pat on the back for not taking him back, because if he couldn't realize that he had something fabulous that is HIS loss, not yours.

My advice to moving on is to find a hobby you love and drown yourself in it. Go out with friends. Take a bubble bath. Listen to Sara Bareille's "King of Anything" and dance to it in your undies (hey, it works for me!). Pray. Breathe. Exercise. ANYTHING.

Focus on YOU- write down everything that's good about you that he'll miss. Make sure to mention that he'll come crawling back when you're a sexy tigress at your goal weight. Too bad, too sad for him!

;-)

swerdygnome

Don't feel like there is something wrong with you. Everyone needs different amounts of time to get over heartache. I went through a huge and totally unexpected break up in 2005, and it took me 2 years to "officially" get past. I think that having someone break up with you that you love when you are completely not expecting it is a HUGE factor in how long it will take you to feel normal again. All of the symptoms that you mentioned are completely familiar to me. I'm curious as to the reason he gave you for doing what he did after he tried to get back together? You are the only one living the situation so only you will know what is best. I envy you for being able to say no to him when he tried to come back, I don't think I would have been strong enough to do that. Time heals all wounds and this too shall pass. The greatest day for me was when it hit me how thankful I was that I had been dumped.

lilRicki

Don't take this the wrong way- but its time to put on your big girl panties!

I remember reading your blog the day you posted about the breakup and I know how heartbroken you were(/are). You should give yourself a big ol' pat on the back for not taking him back, because if he couldn't realize that he had something fabulous that is HIS loss, not yours.

My advice to moving on is to find a hobby you love and drown yourself in it. Go out with friends. Take a bubble bath. Listen to Sara Bareille's "King of Anything" and dance to it in your undies (hey, it works for me!). Pray. Breathe. Exercise. ANYTHING.

Focus on YOU- write down everything that's good about you that he'll miss. Make sure to mention that he'll come crawling back when you're a sexy tigress at your goal weight. Too bad, too sad for him!


YEAH!!!!! Hell hath no furry!!!! lol my best friend tells me to put my big girl panties on too

;-)

nolachick

Great advice everyone! this post has really helped me too!

of course if there are some cute single guys out there that wanna be friends, that wouldn't hurt either lol.