Back Again - It's been a crazy 8 months

YellowSummerRoom

NOTE:The following is a massive post/introduction and I won't be surprised or upset if no-one reads it. I think - if anything - it's something I just needed to get out of my system. But anyway, here goes...

I thought I may as well introduce myself again as I haven't posted since August '13.

My name is Laura, I'm 27 years old and I joined MFP a couple of years ago back when I was about 95kg, I wanted to lose a good 30kg even though I was quite happy with how I looked. I'm relatively tall and all my weight goes to my *kitten* and hips so I didn't feel unattractive. Without seeming like an egotist, I actually felt pretty good.

Unfortunately I fell off the wagon big time and slowly but surely put on more and more weight. By August last year I was 110kg. It was then that I started to feel motivated again. I joined here with the intention of losing all my weight, being part of the community and really going for it. But eh, life got in the way. Some stuff happened in my life and I felt disgusting about it.

So I pretty much sank into depression big time. Comfort eating. i was unemployed. Still lived with my mum. my life was a wreck.

Finally I picked myself up again around Christmas time. It wasn't easy but I knew I had to start living my life again. I couldn't just sleep and eat it away. Depression is a ***** but I realised it was up to me to fight it. No-one else was going to do it for me.

By this time I had got up to 114kg. I've now gained employment in the form of busking in the Sydney streets. I can't believe I wasted all those years in a boring office job when I actually make more from singing and playing guitar which I LOVE. It's not always easy but damn it's fun. And I burn energy doing it. I'm back down to about 109kg now simply from the energy expended walking around Sydney and standing up for hours playing guitar and singing.

For me, its all been about stepping stones. I've sort of clawed my way out of the depression and managed to be social again, smile again - actually start LIVING again. I've faced numerous obstacles on the way - my grandfather who half raised me and was more like my dad - died very suddenly. I got evicted from my house and almost ended up homeless. I haven't let any of these obstacles stop me from living my life. I refused to let any of them throw me back into the well of depression. But they DID stop me from really focusing on living a healthy lifestyle. I comfort eat. And that's a pattern I have to break. And when I say I have to, i mean that literally.

The biggest obstacle - and challenge - of my life came in the form of a seemingly innocuously sore eye about a month ago. I had a million things going on at once. It was Thursday the 20th of March and I had my best friends wedding interstate on the 22nd. I was living in a hotel with my sick mum until I found us a place. I was running around like a mad thing just trying to survive. My eye started to feel a bit sore on the Thursday morning. I thought I had a stupid sinus infection. I ignored it as I knew I had to travel to my mates wedding on the Friday afternoon - as it is i was worried about leaving mum alone (she has heart disease and PTSD) and I was making the trip on a shoestring budget. It was the most organised and determined I've ever been in my life. I knew I HAD to make it to that wedding. I've known my friend since I was 9 and she basically threatened me with death if I didn't make it. It seemed like an impossible task making it to that damn wedding but god, I had it done. UNTIL... the Friday morning when my "stupid sore eye" swelled completely shut. I had 8 hours until my train left for the wedding. So I rushed over to the Emergency department at my local hospital in the hope that they could give me a magic pill that would make the swelling go down (yes, vanity calling) and the pain go away. I didn't think it was a big deal at all.

But it was. I was rushed into the ophthalmology department and they informed me straight away that I had something called "Peri-Orbital Cellulitis" which is a severe eye infection that was dangerously close to my brain. They then informed me that I would actually, you know, DIE if I left the hospital for the wedding.

What has followed since has been some of the most life changing stuff I've ever experienced. For one, I've lost the friendship of the Bride. She won't see reason or sense about me not coming which is completely ridiculous. It seems me almost dying wasn't a good enough excuse. I had her friends call me up abusing me for not coming while I was literally hooked up to a drip. The Bride - or lets call her Jo - has been my rock since we were nine years old. But the anger I have for her at the moment is white hot. She knew I almost died and I didn't get one damn phone call from her. Aside from anything else I was absolutely terrified. I was being told repeatedly that I could die. I was told I ALMOST died. Facing death ain't fun.

I was in hospital 11 days - in more pain than I thought humanly possible. Like, I didn't even know what pain was before I experienced this. I mean, the infection travelled from my eye to the rest of my face which affected every one of my nerve endings. It felt like my eardrum was going to rupture, my jawbone was going to break and my eye was going to explode all at once. I was on more pain meds than my grandfather was when he had cancer, I ended up calling the highest level of pain "Panic Pain" in that it seemed almost impossible not to get hysterical when it hit you. The sheer terror of it lasting even a second longer than it had to. The sort of pain that could make a happy person beg for death,

The ophthalmologists were getting increasingly concerned by the day in that I wasn't getting better. Finally, the infection ruptured and my eye started bleeding profusely. It was then that they rushed me into surgery. They explained just before it that they were going to do "everything they could do to save my eye". Um, thanks?

When I woke up I was informed they had to abort the surgery early because my lungs started failing. I've been smoking since I was 13 years old and it seems it absolutely screwed my lungs. They scared the absolute **** out of me. They say the damage is reversible if I give up now.

As for my eye, they did enough to get me out of the danger zone but I won't be "cured" until they do the surgery which will be 4 months down the track (they won't do it unless I've given up smoking and my lungs have had time to heal).

So fast forward to present day, I've been out of hospital two weeks to the day. I still haven't given up smoking but I absolutely have to. For the next 4 and a half months I am stuck with a painful, disgusting, red, bruised, oozing swollen eye that I cover up with a bandage out of practicality and shame. I have never felt so ugly in my life. I've gone from someone - just two years ago - who actually felt quite attractive. I was confident in how I looked. I've gone from that to an obese cyclops.

In saying that, I met so many people in hospital who had it worse than me. People who were dying or man, even had their kids dying. I met one woman who sobbed into my shoulder over her dying son.

It's a rough hand I've been dealt but I've still got options. I've still got hope. I met a guy with cancer who had no choice but to fold. He knew his number was up.

As I got told numerous times by doctors and nurses in hospital - I'm still young. I should be healthy and happy and making the most of being in my 20s. It's not too late for me.

So I've decided that this is it. I am going to be stuck with a bandage over my eye for at least the next 5 months so hey, why don't a use that time to lose a bunch of weight, get healthy and quit smoking in the meantime. By the time my eye is healed I wanna look in the mirror and LIKE what I see again.

It's not going to be easy because my energy levels are so low - exercise is pretty rough going because I've still got a massive infection in my system. But I can eat healthily. And even just a bit of exercise is a start. I figure any time my legs start to burn and ache - I'll just compare it to the memory of the "Panic Pain" and my legs won't feel so bad by comparison. I plan to work harder than I've ever worked before and damn, any advice or motivation I can get would be appreciated.

And sorry for the essay!