How to deal with unsupportive friends/family

jr235

Nobody is obligated to change their eating habits just because you are trying to change yours.

Just remember, that no ones belief or lack there of can change your actions. If your friends doubt does it change whether or not you go back for that second helping of something that puts you over your calorie goals? Or whether or not you kill it at that workout?

Would it be nice if my husband and family ate the way I did? Maybe, accept that my husband struggles to keep weight on and my daughter is a growing girl who can't sit still for more than about 30 seconds.

Neither one has made choice after choice after choice to eat to much and move too little that packed on the pounds.

I did.

And only I can fix it.

PJPrimrose

I come from a bio family that never encourages anyone, ever. If I had a nickle for every put-down they spewed I'd fill my house entirely with silver coins. Fortunately, I don't put a lot of stock in the opinions of folks with nothing positive to say. It's easy to be down on others. It's easy to feel envy, jealousy and spew crap. Bringing other up to their potential requires actual effort and character. I agree with the people who tell you to do what you need to do to fulfill your goals!

marleyskye05

Use their doubt as extra fuel to your fire! When you feel like giving up remember how many people who you have to prove wrong Get friends on MFP who can give you support and encouragement you need.

ValGogo

I have an issue when I hear the words "supportive" and "motivate."

The ONLY person that has to support you and motivate you is you. It's not an attack on you but the reason why you may fail is because you are looking for outside validation from others. That expectation is sure to make one fail.

Do what you are going to do regardless of what others think, don't think, how they motivate you or if they don't care at all. YOU are the only one who can do this.

And, in defense of you, you don't have to prove anything to them either. Let them nay say all they want. But you are responsible, not them.

Now get your pretty *kitten* to the gym and show the world how strong, self-supporting and independent you are. GO! NOW!!!

dianalee9

How do I deal with unsupportive friends/family? ..... I ignore them. If they're not going to support me, I'm not going to waste my time thinking about it. I spend my time proving them wrong!

It's not easy, because family and friends should be supportive, but they have reasons why they won't support me and I don't care enough to ask what those reasons may be.

I have learned to not talk about my goals with any friends or family other than my husband, and close friends who are working towards the same goal (which none currently are lol). About a year ago, a lady that I worked with at the time was talking about her werightloss goal which was very similar to mine. I mentioned that I was looking to lose about the same as her, she snottily replied, "I'll believe it when I see it". I use that for workout fuel to this day! Whenever I feel like I'm about to give up, I replay that conversation in my head and then I think, "Oh yeah b**ch?!? you'll see!"

JCLondonUK

when I think back, most of the times I have failed, was because of the lack of support my friends/family gave me.

Think about this for a moment. It was because of other people that you failed before? Really? Is it not your body, your life, your responsibility? You need your own inner motivation and drive to succeed. Relying on other people to make things happen for you is a recipe for disaster.

Not what you wanted to hear, maybe, sorry. But you will succeed only if and when you decide you want it enough, and no one else is relevant to that decision or your ability to see it through. You just need to make up your mind.

AliceSwarthout

I wouldn't even tell the people you work with. They'll see it. They were the first to compliment my loss.

scubasuenc

You cannot get motivation from someone else. It has to come from within. I'm not sure what you are looking for as support. I don't expect those around me to change what they are doing or eating because I am watching what I eat. I assess the situation and decide what I can eat of the options available. If the answer is nothing, then I don't eat anything.

I'm losing weight so I can be healthier. I don't care what anyone else says or thinks. When I get up early so I can exercise, there is no one to kick my butt out of bed. It is my MFP friends who cheer me on as I have victories. They also help me get back on the horse when I fall off. And since they are all on the same journey, they understand the ups and downs. I find there support much better than that of the people around me.

MinnieInMaine

I agree with those saying that the only one you need support from is yourself.. Before you take that as someone being harsh, let me explain.

I've been in your shoes - was obese for several years (almost 20) and made several attempts along the way to lose weight. Some were even semi-successful but obviously didn't last very long. So when I announced to my brother that I was going to join Weight Watchers (WW) in January 2010, he just rolled his eyes and said "here we go again". It was like a slap in the face and I was pretty peeved for a while. But I thought about it and realized that he was right. I'd made that announcement plenty of times before and never followed through so his reaction, while not exactly tactful, wasn't that far off base.

What he didn't know, and what I ended up proving with time, was that I really WAS determined and committed to losing weight this time. My approach was completely different, my mindset was/is completely different, etc. To be honest, I actually used his disbelieve as motivation from time to time. Like I might be tempted to indulge or skip a workout but would think of him and say "nope, gotta stick to my plan and prove that jerk wrong!"

So as some other suggested, maybe just keep it to yourself for a while, or just tell 1 or 2 people who you know will give you more positive feedback. And eventually, as you are successful, you will show the others that you really meant it.

You got this! Good luck!

ETA: just wanted to say one more thing about support/non-support. I also used to think the same as you OP.
One of my best friends was just starting out with her fitness career and offered to help me and in return use me as an example of her training abilities. I was all in for that! But my expectations were skewed - I thought she was going to be checking up on me a lot of telling me what to do all the time. Anyone who has a trainer knows that's not exactly how it works but it was a convenient excuse to blame her for me slacking because she wasn't following up on me enough. Also I had several gym buddies in the past who were bigger slackers than me and I'd use their lack of motivation as my excuse. If they skipped the gym/workouts, so did I.

All of that was no one's fault but my own. Once the responsibility is fully on your shoulders, if you're really that determined, you'll find a way to make it work.

ShannonMpls

I simply didn't tell anyone, except my husband. And he's my best friend on the planet and wouldn't be a jerk to me, so he was safe.

No one knew what I was doing until they could see the results.

Stormykitty

I feel that it may help to set boundaries with all those that appear to be sabotaging your efforts. I know this may be difficult to do however, I have found that writing a response out in a journal or sheet of paper is helpful. For example, to those friends/family members that make unsupportive statements or actions (putting unwanted food under you nose) clearly state I am not living in the past even though, I have tried in the past to modify my food choices I am working on it now and am concerned with the choices I make today. I am unable to relive the past it is over gone unchangeable. I would appreciate you refraining from referring to my past attempts at change and not bring me any foods without giving me a heads up; perhaps there are items on the menu I can eat and that would be nice to give me a choice if it fits into my food plan/choices. I want your support in making my lifestyle changes. However, attempts at sabotaging or making derogatory comments will result with me removing myself from your presence. Be strong and don't give up. Stay the course.

cebreisch

It really does boil down to: $crew them.

You're not doing this for them; it's for you. Most people will tell you to tell everybody that you're dieting, but in this case, not sure that I would. It's a "actions speak louder than words" sort of thing, and let them have their fun.

My husband didn't do anything regarding weight loss for the first 6 months of my journey. Not that he had very much to lose, but it was still a pain because he didn't realize how badly he was eating. Then he started logging and had a revelation, and I busted a gut laughing!!

Sometimes other people don't realize just how damaging their actions, sayings, or inaction can affect you. But you have to build up your armor to help it slide right off too. It is ultimately up to you anyway.

Tell only those people who you can trust to be supportive. It actually has helped me to see a therapist who's lost as much as I want to lose.

Meanwhile - do what you know to be the right thing, and be confident that you know you're doing the right thing for you.

You can do this!

megnay

Hi all,

Recently I started to take this weight loss thing seriously, again.. For like the 100000th time,
HOWEVER, my family and my friends think it's like a joke since I have started "seriously dieting" before and stopped after only a few days.
So they are not being supportive, not motivating and not encouraging, at all.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping and loaded my cart with lots of fruits and veggies and they almost mocked me for my choices.
At the cashier, one of my friend asked me "are you sure you want to spend money on all this? since you are most probably going to quit anyway?"

I know that was harsh and I know I should get other friends but I have been friends with her since my toddler days and I wish there was another way I could handle this.

Also yesterday evening for dinner (before me going grocery shopping), my dad went out to get some take out and he brought some stuff of which I swore I wouldn't touch during my diet. He then claimed he forgot and I just sat there eating cucumber slices before deciding that I should go out and get my own stuff.


How do you guys deal with that and how do you ask your friends or worse COLLEAGUES! to support you? I am honestly a bit ashamed to approach them with the "I'm dieting" story AGAIN since my last "I'm dieting" story was just last month and it didn't last more than a week.

Thanks for all your advice!

Girl, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Everyone's journey is different. For some, like my brother, one day he just CHANGED... Started walking, eating better, asked for no support, told no one, and BAM he was fit. For some others, like us, it's a constant struggle that you deal with your entire life. You try, you fail. But are they really failures? NO! You tried. Maybe the program didn't work for you. So you try again. It doesn't matter if it's the first or the millionth time you tried. You keep going, and every time you learn something new about what works for you and doesn't work for you.

I have to be honest, the only thing that works for me is doing this journey on my own terms and not really discussing it with my family. I find that brings me down a lot, and I would rather just not open that can of worms with them as I often feel patronized or deflated after talking about it. I also have tried diets many times and voiced it to my family, only to "fail" and I feel like they unintentionally rub it in my face, or brush it off as if I will never succeed. MY MOTIVATION IS PROVING THEM WRONG, ON MY OWN.

What helped me most was moving out and living on my own and being in charge of what I bring into my kitchen. I know this is obviously not an option for everyone. But the core of this change was making the journey MY OWN and not relying on anyone else's support. Sometimes, looking for support often has the opposite effect, and I think only relying on yourself and your own sources of motivation (photos, charts, etc!) will keep your journey sustainable.

I hope this helps! Msg me if you ever want to talk more.

_elkahallick_

They have a right to be skeptical, but that's ok... Use that as fuel to push you harder... Sounds like you've talked a lot in the past, let your actions speak for you....

yo_andi

Are you doing this for you, or for them?

If the answer is you're doing this for you, congrats... you're going to succeed. Take charge of your own life and simply ignore the doubters.

ChelseyFrost1

I am in the same boat kind of. My family has seen me go through TONS of diets, which I do normally lose a couple pounds, but they never say good job or wow you can tell! So I always gave up. NOW I have a new sense of mind. It does NOT matter what they think, I will lose weight and they will just be blind sided in the end. Think of it as your grand finale. Blow them away when you're down to your goal weight.=)

lyzmorrison

Don't talk about it. Just do it.

You will find others who are on your journey that you can share your victories with. Just show your family/friends/colleagues with your results. It doesn't matter what they say. It doesn't matter what they think. This is about you.

AllOutof_Bubblegum

So DON'T approach them with the "I'm dieting" story. Why do you feel the need to tell them in the first place? It's not their business, only yours. Quietly eat less, have accountability to make better choices, and move a little more. No need to blare it all over the place. In my experience all that accomplishes is to make those around you uncomfortable, defensive, or even secretly jealous, and the natural response to that is to try to derail you as soon as possible. Don't make it public, and you won't have this problem.

AlyssaSupernova

Hi all,

Recently I started to take this weight loss thing seriously, again.. For like the 100000th time,
HOWEVER, my family and my friends think it's like a joke since I have started "seriously dieting" before and stopped after only a few days.
So they are not being supportive, not motivating and not encouraging, at all.
Yesterday I went grocery shopping and loaded my cart with lots of fruits and veggies and they almost mocked me for my choices.
At the cashier, one of my friend asked me "are you sure you want to spend money on all this? since you are most probably going to quit anyway?"

I know that was harsh and I know I should get other friends but I have been friends with her since my toddler days and I wish there was another way I could handle this.

Also yesterday evening for dinner (before me going grocery shopping), my dad went out to get some take out and he brought some stuff of which I swore I wouldn't touch during my diet. He then claimed he forgot and I just sat there eating cucumber slices before deciding that I should go out and get my own stuff.


How do you guys deal with that and how do you ask your friends or worse COLLEAGUES! to support you? I am honestly a bit ashamed to approach them with the "I'm dieting" story AGAIN since my last "I'm dieting" story was just last month and it didn't last more than a week.

Thanks for all your advice!

Girl, I know EXACTLY how you feel.

Everyone's journey is different. For some, like my brother, one day he just CHANGED... Started walking, eating better, asked for no support, told no one, and BAM he was fit. For some others, like us, it's a constant struggle that you deal with your entire life. You try, you fail. But are they really failures? NO! You tried. Maybe the program didn't work for you. So you try again. It doesn't matter if it's the first or the millionth time you tried. You keep going, and every time you learn something new about what works for you and doesn't work for you.

I have to be honest, the only thing that works for me is doing this journey on my own terms and not really discussing it with my family. I find that brings me down a lot, and I would rather just not open that can of worms with them as I often feel patronized or deflated after talking about it. I also have tried diets many times and voiced it to my family, only to "fail" and I feel like they unintentionally rub it in my face, or brush it off as if I will never succeed. MY MOTIVATION IS PROVING THEM WRONG, ON MY OWN.

What helped me most was moving out and living on my own and being in charge of what I bring into my kitchen. I know this is obviously not an option for everyone. But the core of this change was making the journey MY OWN and not relying on anyone else's support. Sometimes, looking for support often has the opposite effect, and I think only relying on yourself and your own sources of motivation (photos, charts, etc!) will keep your journey sustainable.

I hope this helps! Msg me if you ever want to talk more.

Thank you! I know that motivation should come from within but I believe that sometimes people make you second guess your commitment. I am, however, going to this on my own terms. I do wish to share my struggles and successes with friends but seeing that they are less supportive than I would want them to be, I decided to try something else (which is why I'm here! )

AlyssaSupernova

Oh by the way everyone, thanks for all your advice!
But most of all, thanks for keeping it real and thanks to some of you for not sugar coating it!

I actually feel a lot better now and I am positive that all of you here on MFP are exactly what I have been missing from my life!

Thanks