Single Parents - How Do You Cope With Stress and Its Effects

smokeytex74

I am a single parent and have been for 14 years. I rarely get to "get out" and "let loose" or "unwind" after a stressful day or rough work week. I have no one at home to help pick up the slack and say "hey, I got this" if I need a break. I am an emotional eater, and among other reasons and excuses, is why I have found myself on this life style change journey.

A little background: I use to enjoy going out to the local club and dancing until I had my daughter. At a very young age, she was diagnosed with a severe social and separation anxiety and cannot handle going to the mall, movies, the park, or any other activity we use to enjoy. The separation anxiety as eased up some,but if I want to enjoy a day out, I have to do it on my own and make sure she knows where I will be and what time I will be home.

I need to add some variety to my daily and weekly routine, so here is my question, as the post's title ask, Single Parents - How Do You Cope With Stress and Its Effects and what kind of activities do you do that is still enjoyable, but won't blow an already tight budget.



**Please Note - This post IS NOT to be used as a "fishing expedition" if you catch my drift **

Edensienna

When my children were younger I would push them around town in a double stroller.. Just being out was a great stress reliever for me. I also joined a group and met other single parents who understood the demands too.

Instead of emotional eating I know go to the gym. I figure that being in shape, energised and feeling good is a gift to my family. Small personal achievements give me a boost and I'm a happier mom. I don't have much help from family so the responsibility I have is quite a lot.

As your daughter gets older you may have more freedom. The first few years are incredibly challenging as a single parent. Well done to you

I_Will_End_You

That's gotta be rough! Is she 14? Does she have a friend or relative's house she is comfortable going to while you go out? If not...maybe that's something to work towards?

MomTo3Lovez

I am a newly single parent to 3 children with the youngest being 18 months old, and both of my daughters have ADHD and my 7 yr old has other emotional problems, so I know the stress of having a child with an emotional disability, though hers is not as severe as your daughter being that she can go different places.

Having said that, for me I work full time and the girls are in school and my son in daycare. And part of my stress relief is actually coming to work, just being around other adults, and the other is that I go to the gym during lunch and do a 30 min workout which relieves a tremendous amount of stress, especially when I do better with each time or week even. But with my job I get a super huge discount for my membership as I am on a tight budget as well.

I take it that you pretty much have your daughter full time with little to no break? That's me, I have virtually no time as my stb ex-husband lives in CA and has pretty much fallen off the face of the earth since I haven't heard from him in almost 4 months so it is hard for me to get me time after I get home.

If you do have someone that your daughter is comfortable enough with that you can leave her for a couple of hours, then try and go to a local park to walk/jog/run which ever you prefer, or go to the mall and window shop, catch a movie, if you have a gym that you can swing the membership price, or the YMCA and I believe the Y has financial assistance too which might help you out.

I really hope that you can find a stress relief that can fit into your life because it makes a lot of difference. Feel free to add me if you like!

usmcmp

I've been a single parent for 4 years (since my boys were 1 and 2 years old), one of my kids is autistic. I cope with stress by lifting weights during my lunch hour and fueling my body well. I work full time and go to school on top of being a single parent.

Around the house the boys help me clean up and they do well when they are responsible for something (washing dishes, wiping the table, taking out the trash, all with help of course). We also have a schedule so that the kids know what to expect most days. They behave better when they get attention like our evening play time after dinner. All these things lower the stress levels at home.

brittany2188

I would say going for walks/bike rides/etc with her. Maybe a little gardening if you have that option available. Things around your house/neighborhood that she can do with you so she's not stressed out too.

skippygirlsmom

My daughter is also 14 and I've been a single mom her whole life, we have that in common. About 6 years back we were involved in an airshow disaster, and without going into the whole story, it has caused her to have anxiety about not being with me. So again I can relate. As far as she goes, she's has gotten much better with about a year of therapy, for a long time I couldn't leave the room without her coming with me, even to the bathroom. She would have to sit on my bed so she could at least see where I was. Having a child who is that afraid of not having you near is VERY stressful. To this day the minute she gets out of school she calls me the first question is always "when are you coming home?". Anyway, I tell all that so you know I understand. It's taken a long time for me get her to the point where I can go out after work to run errands or leave her home while I go even 2 miles up the street to the store without her. It was slow baby steps, but I knew I needed to find the place where I could be alone to do things, but she would still be comfortable with it. I think if you work on that (if it's possible with her condition) you will find a great bit of relief there for you.

How I've worked around other things is I run in the morning while she is asleep. She usually wakes up while I'm gone, but we have a dog and her being in the house helps, which again helps me. I do take at least one night every 6 weeks and go out with my girlfriends and I do it GUILT free regardless of what my daugther says. I do have a boyfriend for the past 6 years and he will do things with her while I'm out with the girls. He and I do date nights, but usually if she's spending the night somewhere, for the most part she always comes out with us. We have actually gone on trips twice without her and she did great. You need adult time.

You need to take the time for yourself, I didn't do this for the first 6 years of her life and I realize I was doing both of us a disservice. A rested, healthy mommy is the best mommy. When I'm really stressed out, she is now at the age where I can say, I need to go walk Macy...alone! I tell her I love her very much, but mom needs a timeout to chill out and relax. She completely understands, though she may text me while I'm out walking LOL She runs track and cross country and plays soccer so while she is involved in her actitivies I'll run errands, call friends, read a book or lately I've been running the track while they practice. On days she is home before me from school we hug and kiss hello when I walk through the door and then she has to give me 10 minutes to unwind, alone, in my bedroom before she can start telling me about her day. Yipes just give me time to throw my jeans on LOL All these things have helped me to be more stressfree and therefore the house is stress free.

As far as emotional eating, I don't really do that but I do tend to buy "treats" for her that I don't like so there isn't much temptation in the house.

I've also learned to allow others to help me. When she was younger and we first moved here to the South we knew not a soul, I had to learn to accept help when people offered. I learned really quick that someone just taking her to soccer practice or having them play at their house (without me) was a huge relief. When you work all day and have kids even 30 mins of me time is heaven.

It's hard to be a single parent, but honestly she's the light of my life and I wouldn't change it for the world. I read a quote somewhere that said "when you're a parent the days are long, but the years are fast".

usmcmp

At a very young age, she was diagnosed with a severe social and separation anxiety and cannot handle going to the mall, movies, the park, or any other activity we use to enjoy. The separation anxiety as eased up some,but if I want to enjoy a day out, I have to do it on my own and make sure she knows where I will be and what time I will be home.

My 4 year old autistic son also suffers from severe separation anxiety. It used to be so bad that he would throw up at the thought of me leaving. Routine will help fix that. The first few weeks may be tough, but it gets easier. I have to explain days in advance what is happening. We talk through everything. "Tonight we will have dinner, then we will play, then you will go to bed, then you will wake up, then we will go to the gym daycare, then we will go to Walmart, then we will play at the park, then we will watch a movie and then Ms. Crittany will come over to play while mommy is gone, then mommy will come back and give you a bath, then you will go to bed..." We repeat that the next morning. Sometimes I just plan for the sitter to come over right after I tuck the boys in to save trouble.

thatjosiegirl

Single parent of two special needs kids (ages 11 and 10) here too! Parenting them is exhausting and challenging especially living 1,000 miles away from my family and friends. I also manage to balance a full time career and part time business that I own.

My stress relief is going to the gym and working out, it's the only time in my day that is 100% about me.

Mia_RagazzaTosta

I lift heavy things, try to eat a decent diet (doesn't always happen), enjoy the occasional cocktail, and I'm lucky to have parents that understand I need a break and my kids go there for sleepovers often.

Is it easy? No fn way. Some days I feel like the ground is going to swallow me whole, but I force myself to keep going. Failure is not an option. Three people depend on me and I can't let them down.

CompressedCarbon

Is it easy? No fn way. Some days I feel like the ground is going to swallow me whole, but I force myself to keep going. Failure is not an option. Three people depend on me and I can't let them down.

I feel exactly the same way though I have only two people depending on me.

I've always been a single parent and haven't had outside support so fostered a feeling that the three of us are a "team" and work together to get things done. Now #1 is in her first year of college and the financial pressures are greater than they ever have been. Still we work as a team. #2 and I have given up some luxuries to help pay for tuition and later #1 will do the same for #2's tuition.

I laugh whenever and however I can, I write, I have great friends here that give me some venting room and some inspiration, and mostly I stop to appreciate how incredibly blessed I've been to be able to parent my daughters. Failure is not an option.

jennk5309

It sounds like you and your daughter could benefit from some therapy that will help you to train her to cope with her anxiety and get her used to being in public places. That sounds like no way to live, for her or you. How does she handle school? If she's not old enough yet for school, how are you planning on handling that?

My daughter had some panic attacks at about age 8 after a very stressful period of time that I was very sick and almost died. I taught her how to use breathing techniques to calm down, and I followed the advice of a therapist with different techniques to help calm her.

As for being a single parent....I did that for 7 years and I learned to take time for myself without feeling guilty. A happy, sane mama is a good mama. So that's my big advice, ditch any guilt you might have over taking time for yourself! Of course, I don't mean take all your time for yourself, just don't feel bad when you do take time away.

summertime_girl

I do as many races as I can.

Cameron_1969

For one. . I have streamlined. I don't get caught up in emotionally taxing things like 'dating' and 'friends'. . My friends are the parent's of the kids my son plays with. .They provide a dual purpose. .They supply play-dates and adult conversation. . My old friends are out of the picture. . they provided hangovers.

For another. . I'm sort of a kid myself so it hasn't been that difficult to identify activities that entertain both of us. . So. .we can spend time kicking the soccer ball or playing a computer game etc. .

Third. . I make him clean up his messes. Also If I'm busy and don't have time to entertain him. . I tell him to clean his room every time he comes near me. . he has learned to entertain himself quite effectively and leave me to do my chores/work.

Finally. . I try not to let unimportant things get to me.

KimberDG9966

I've been a single mom since my daughter was 4 months old. She's a pretty easy-going kid so I'm very fortunate, but there are times where I wish there was someone to help bounce ideas off of or put me in "time-out" when I start spinning. I used to turn to food:

when stressed - it's been a hard day so I deserve this pint of ice cream
when happy - there was no whining and the living room is relatively clean, I deserve this pint of ice cream
when in denial - they won't mind if I can't pay that bill this month, I deserve this pint of ice cream
when in need of comfort - this is hard, I deserve this pint of ice cream.
when angry - I kept my temper, I deserve this pint of ice cream.

(Can you tell I have a soft spot for ice cream? And multiple soft spots because of excess ice cream!)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming the fact that I'm over weight on being a single mom. I completely get that eating was my coping mechanism. I'm working on treating myself better than that.

So now when stressed, I'm able to take a few minutes to myself (she's now 8 1/2), or we take a walk or jump rope, maybe I'll curl up in the chair and read my book while she does homework, or get my workout in early - just something to re-focus me so that I'm able to take care of both us the way we deserve.

I wish you the very best!

Autk79

Im a single mom of 3 boys, one that is 5 months old. I cant go to the gym either and if I could go they dont keep babies that young. So, I do videos at home. Sometimes its hard and they try to get me to stop but I just at least try to get in 25/45 a day even if I have to do it when they go to sleep or really early in the morning. Dont get me wrong, some nights we get home from baseball and its 10 at night and I skip but then I try to get back at it the next day. There are so many videos you can do or even workouts with hand weights and a exercise ball.

Maybe with your daughter being 14 maybe you could find some fun dance videos that would involve her. I know how hard it is to be a single mom but you have to take time to yourself somehow. I somehow do it with a 5mth, 5 yr old and 12 yr old. Working out is a stress reliever to me and Id go crazy without it some weeks.

Good luck!! :happy:

smokeytex74

It sounds like you and your daughter could benefit from some therapy that will help you to train her to cope with her anxiety and get her used to being in public places. That sounds like no way to live, for her or you. How does she handle school? If she's not old enough yet for school, how are you planning on handling that?

Thank you everyone for the great posts.. To all you single parents dealing with the same type of issues.. you are all doing great.

My daughter is 14 and we have done the therapy and anxiety meds for years. We did the schedule thing, along with "first we are doing this, then we are doing that, and after that this is whats going on" and it was still rough to get her involved. She has to home-school as the anxiety and fears have only grown and her there one day day and then gone for a week had become disruptive to the class. We worked very close with the school, teachers and counselor and end in the end decided that home-schooling was best. She has two close friends that she talks to and that knows what causes the anxiety, but again, getting her to leave the house to hang out with them is tough. We live 2 doors down from my parents, which helps with keeping an eye on her while I work 46 hrs a week. She uses writing as a way to deal with the issues and actually has a couple of stories on www.wattpad.com. About the only place I have been able to get her to go to has been to get new band shirts/bracelets and also to Barnes and Nobles, as she is a bookworm, however, since they changed to a 2nd & Charles, I have not been able to get her to go check it out.

It's a battle day to day to stay sane and on track with this lifestyle change.. but I have to do it, not only for me, but for my daughter as well and I do try to go to the local park at lunch and walk a lap on the mile track they have and I try to do some form of circuits behind my counter while at work. We do not have a Y close to where I live, and since I am still fighting for the back child support "Dad" owes, I can not afford a gym. I do try to meet up with a coworker-friend after work at least 1-2 Saturdays for coffee or something chocolaty, or I go and pick my daughter up, after I make sure it is just my coworker-friend and her daughter, and go to their house. I do get in plenty of laughter as the guys I work with here in the shop keep things interesting. I have a hobby for photography and try to get out and capture shots as often as I can.. I actually have 2 shoots coming up... one for family and one for a old classmates graduating senior.

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Will_Thrust_For_Candy

It sounds like you and your daughter could benefit from some therapy that will help you to train her to cope with her anxiety and get her used to being in public places. That sounds like no way to live, for her or you. How does she handle school? If she's not old enough yet for school, how are you planning on handling that?

My daughter had some panic attacks at about age 8 after a very stressful period of time that I was very sick and almost died. I taught her how to use breathing techniques to calm down, and I followed the advice of a therapist with different techniques to help calm her.

As for being a single parent....I did that for 7 years and I learned to take time for myself without feeling guilty. A happy, sane mama is a good mama. So that's my big advice, ditch any guilt you might have over taking time for yourself! Of course, I don't mean take all your time for yourself, just don't feel bad when you do take time away.

I agree with this.

I have been on my own with my daughter for 10 years. I am so very fortunate to have a great support system however there are still days that I just curse everything because I don't have help with the day to day stuff....that I am still reliant on my mom for many things.

At 14 there really must be some resources/tools/help available to your daughter to set her up for success. Or is this condition severe enough that she won't ever be able to function on her own? How does she do at school? What is the long term plan? college? etc.....

You need time for yourself. Accept help if it's given to you. Your health and well being is of the same importance as hers.

Inner_Goddess

I'll agree with all of the other posters - I have 3 sons, the youngest having ADHD, ODD and social anxiety. It's not easy, but it's worth it. For me, I workout in the morning early before they are awake. I'm blessed with a treadmill, bike, weights, etc... and I love my workout videos. I do try to take all three boys out to the park often, even though it means slowing down my pace and not getting the burn I want. I cook for relaxation so on the weekends, I'm always trying new healthy recipes and getting them involved with it. I also try to take a bath each Friday night... the boys and I have movie night where we sleep in the living room and once they go to sleep then I take an hour to myself

I do agree with the poster who said he simplified things - no dating, different friends. Sometimes its lonely, but again, its worth it.

lizzyclatworthy

I am in a rather complex situation but I can identify with a lot of everyone's issues.

I take a lot of the stuff I feel to the gym (I can be found crying tears of rage or frustration on the treadmill at least every few weeks). being strong enough for my boy is so important to me.
I also streamlined my life, cut out some drama lama's and anyone who was not supportive. Most of my socialising is done online now which my mother hates but I think it fine and the future anyway.

silly and obvious but cuddles (or Cwtches as we call them in Wales) help massively as well as silly fun stuff like watching telly (Dr Who is our joint interest) and baking together. I guess it's finding the joy in the little things.
have you heard of the 100 days of happiness thing? that seems to be working for some of my friends.

smokeytex74

I guess it's finding the joy in the little things.
have you heard of the 100 days of happiness thing? that seems to be working for some of my friends.

Yes, finding the little things really does help.. we play A LOT of Guitar Hero and I am usually one of the first ones that gets to read the stories that she writes..

I have not heard of the 100 Days of Happiness.. I will have to look that up, as being happy is one of the things that I am having to work on on this journey that I am on.