MY ADDICTION TOWARD FOOD

giabelle

Mental illness is a growing
concern in society today.
It can take on many forms; each one
uniquely different based on individual factors.
Although, the discussion surrounding
the subject has become more frequent,
many of us still cannot comprehend exactly
what it means to have one.

There are many misconceptions and fears
around the subject and the only way to
diminish them is to educate people.
So today, I come out to all of you with my
story.

One year ago, I was diagnosed with having
a severe eating addiction. I was categorized
as having a “Binge Bulimic” eating
disorder. To clarify, my “ritual” was to overeat
ridiculous amounts of food (in secret)
for extended periods of time and
then “flip the switch” and try to
clear/detox my
body by abusing
laxatives or vomiting.

Although, I was
officially only diagnosed
a year ago,
medical tests uncovered
that this
had been going on
for over a decade
of my life. Something
I had already known but never dared
to admit aloud.

I’ve been living with the acknowledgment
of this illness for a year now and can
honestly say that it has taken away my life
and health in every way. Sitting across
from a team of medical doctors in a hospital
telling you that you will die, because
they don’t believe your body can come
back from the damage you’ve done is
enough to shake anyone’s reality and fast.

With that diagnosis at hand, most days, the
road ahead seems dark and grim – almost
like a suffocating tunnel with no glimmer of
light to be seen. Nevertheless, I decided to
fight for the life that was mine and change
my circumstances.

Coming out about my disease was the
hardest thing that I have ever had to do, to
date. Whether we care to admit it or not,
society pegs this mental illness differently
than they do any other. That being addicted
to drugs, alcohol or even gambling is different
than being addicted to food. Well,

I assure you it’s not. In fact, it’s been said
that disorders and addictions involving food
are the most difficult to treat and recover
from, because we don’t need drugs/alcohol
to exist, but you cannot survive without
food.

I’ve been bullied and ridiculed, in countless
ways within society, about my disorder
which has caused other forms of mental
illness to surface. Things like: depression,
anxiety, social phobias and contemplation
of suicide that have now become the reality
of my everyday life. Things that I believe
are actually underlying factors of where my
disorder stems from originally.

Hiding this thing that I’ve been going
through has been almost as exhausting as
dealing with the illness/disorder itself. I’ve
become great at masking and hiding myself
away from the world. But then, the life of
any addict is just so.

You become an
expert at masking away your pain from
the world and internalizing
it as you go along -
hence making the disease
that much more
powerful. It’s a vicious
cycle.

Mental illness, like
physical illness, attacks
your mind, body and
spirit – making it almost
impossible to deal with
everyday life. And yet,
we must.

For a year now, I’ve asked myself “why
me?” Most days my body tells my mind that
I am not strong enough to get through this.
Nevertheless, my heart and spirit are the
reasons for my tiny victories, thus far. “One
day at a time” is what I hear around me.
But, it’s hard to live that way when you
have so many dreams and desires to fulfill.

Nevertheless, my disorder has brought my
life to a standstill and has forced me to do
just that. Taking things very slowly, day by
day, is all that I can handle for the moment.
I have learned many, many lessons during
this phase of my life. Ones that I don’t believe
I could have learned if this disorder
was not a part of me.

Therefore, I can say that I embrace and
accept all that is happening within me and
ask for God’s guidance in giving me peace
and strength to overcome all that I must, in
order to come back to the true essence of
who I was. The person that He created me
to be.

I am also fortunate enough to realize that
my judgment about my body is the cultural
lie, a social conditioning left over from being
raised in a society that taught me that
there is a boiler-plate standard for what it
means to be “good enough” as a woman in
this world. I also realized that the deepest
part of me absolutely knows that this is
absolute nonsense.

The lesson that I am trying to take away
from all this is “trying to be ‘perfect’ at love,
be it self-love or body-love, is as unrealistic
and stressful as trying to be ‘perfect’ in our
bodies themselves.

I choose to ignore the thoughts that I know
aren’t kind, and align with the thoughts that
are kind and quite frankly make me feel
better. That is my daily commitment.

nomeejerome

There continues to be a massive stigma in regards to mental health. Congrats to you in working towards reclaiming your life and dealing with all of the difficulties surrounding food, depression, anxiety, social phobias and contemplation of suicide. It is hard work, but you can do it.

Here is a site that lists various numbers/contact info just in case things get too overwhelming for you. Wish you the best.

http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/international/canada-suicide-hotlines.html

giabelle

Never an easy thing to admit. Sadly!

Thank you so much for your kind words, comments and help. It's very much appreciated!!!