Can I share my story with you?

ArianaRecovery

Hello there,

I´ve been searching for a place to share my story where I could finally get off my chest my inner battles and issues I have been struggling with. I hope you won´t mind, guys.
I´m twenty years old college student. I used to be very active child until I was like 13 years old when I stopped doing completely everything. I guess I felt overwhelmed, because I had so many hobbies and homeworks that I didn´t just wanted to do what I had to. So I stopped and started to stay home, watch TV, use my computer and eat. And at the age of 16, I gained a lot of weight, ate and done nothing. I was literally doing no sports and I didn´t overeat, I just eat a lot of unhealthy food, specially eating sweets in the evenings. My mom and my brother was very active, my mom eat very little if anything and healthy and did a lot of sports, my brother did sports to and because he is tall and active, he could eat anything and still would be slim and fit. Then I visited my doctor, because I had some health issues and he told me to do some sports and not just eat and sit all day. So I started. It was hard first, but as I kept going, it got better. I started to cut off all the junk and bad food - I never was eating super junk food like McDonalds, hamburgers etc., usually home-prepared full meals, but not really healthy though. I started to excercies and ate less. You can guess how it looked like just few months later - I´m 5.7 tall and I got from 146 pounds to 112 in just few months. My BMI was too low and especially my body wasn´t working properly. I denied eating most of the food, I stucked to tuna in brine, couscous, white yougurt, apples, bell pappers and carrots. Well, I was going to the therapist to gain some weight and after like a year I finally did and then I felt pretty happy, I was still slim, fit and healthy. But after all those years of restriction, at the age of 19, I remember that exactely, it was the evening of my prom, I was really watching over what I ate for past few weeks to be perfect to my dress and after the prom when I got home at like 2pm and was so hungry I allowed myself to eat some chocolate muffins. I never told anyone. I felt a little guilty but thought like whatever, I won´t gain much weight of that. How the weeks went buy, I started to "allow" myself to eat more and more unhealty foods, going to the shops and buy junk food and secretly eat it at home. First I thought it´s something my body needed after long time of starving myself and I thought I can stop whenever I want. But after my graduation at high school, there was a summer, a long one and I didnt have to do any studies or work. So I kept eating. But as I started to notice of the weight gain, I added up much more to my excercies, so I was eating and excercising like crazy, so I got back to like 136lbs. Now, after a year of my first binge I realized few months ago that I got myself into some serious trouble and I cant find my way out of it. I read books, tried to logically realize it´s just a habit but I can´t just somehow get out of it. I´m not overweight but I could be skinnier and healthier. I excercies every single day for hours, my joints just hurt me so bad, and I´m just twenty, because I want to burn all those calories from those binges.
Every day I want to start again, but I´m tired of starting and failing. I last just like few days and then it´s just worst. Every binge, more and more I realize what health issues am I heading towards.

I had to tell my problem somewhere, so I hope you won´t mind that I wrote it all down here. Do you have any tips and ideas what I could do about it? I know it´s a bad habit, it´s not emotional, it´s not cause by being sad or happy, I think. I tried write it all down, motivate myself. I think it´s just really weak willingness...When I thinkg about it I had my entire life. Don´t you know what I can do?
Thank you guys!

Ariana