Struggle with "maintenance"..... time for honesty

JenRunTriHappyGirl

So I have been at this MFP thing for awhile now. I entered into maintenance a year ago. I have flucuations from 135 - 140. Lately it has been closer to 140 and sometimes a bit higher (like my weigh in today). I have been so afraid of gaining the weight back that I have left my calorie goal at 1450/day.

Wait.... What?!? 1450/day?!? :noway: Come on girl! :mad: You can do better.

Basically, I have found myself frustrated lately. I have known for awhile that 1450 is too low. But, the fat girl inside of me is so scared to come back that I have not raised it in awhile. Instead, I grab handfuls of jelly beans and do not log them. (or marshmallows, or chocolate or whatever the hell else I want)

Guess what.... even though I am still right around my goal weight... it has been creeping up on that nasty scale. I at one point was 135 - 137 pretty consitently and now I am 138-141 consistently. Next it will be 140-145.... and then before you know it..... welcome back old me!

Normally, I run 3-4 times a week and lately I have added biking and swimming back into my schedule. Next will be weights. Triathlon season is coming and I will be training..... I have at least 3 races planned for this year and then there are also the running races I want to do. So that means at least 5 good workouts a week and probably more as these races approach.

Damnit, I deserve to eat more! And I am going to.

So, as of today, I have upped my calories. My TDEE is right around 1900. In order to get those last few pesty pounds back off, I set my goal up to 1650 (oooohhhh such a brave girl) (I know.... but I promise as those pounds come off I will raise it more).

I do not want to feel restricted anymore. I want to be able to eat jelly beans and log them without seeing that nasty red.

I do not need to eat less and workout more. What I need is to freaking relax with fatty inside. She could not run 10 miles or do a triathlon. But I freaking can so there.

So, with upping my calories, I also plan to be more accuarte logging both food and exercise. And I plan to eat a little more chocolate. And maybe a second serving of mash potatoes after I run 5 miles tonight. Because what was the point in all of this if I can't enjoy my new life?

Ok, I feel better. And I know that these things have been all over the forums. And I know better. I was the fat girl, the chubby girl my whole life. And even at 5'7" and 140 pounds, I still feel fat but I know that I am not. Even though losing the weight was hard, what has been hardest for me is getting past that mentality. I will always be the chubby girl on the inside. And my biggest fear has been becoming her again on the outside. I am working through those fears.

Anyways..... that's whats up with me.

kdiamond

Good for you. At 5'7" and 140, you're absolutely correct that 1450 is too low.

I'm glad you're recognizing that you need to eat more and taking charge before you slip into that disordered eating zone.

My guess is, you'll start losing again.