Appearance and Self Esteem

amg120

I've always had really bad self esteem, and I don't take compliments well because I always think everyone is being too nice or can't be blunt.

I'm sure a lot of people are dealing with a similar issue/have dealt with a similar issue.

How do you start to value yourself? I don't want to end up being someone who tries to get validation that I'm pretty and not an ugly duckling, but I also am not one to sugar coat things and lie to myself.

How do you learn to deal with things when appearance is such an important part of our culture?!

bheathfit

Spend some time with people who value you and allow yourself to feel valued.

Practice gratitude for everyday things. If this is difficult for you to understand, don't worry. It is difficult for most people to understand. Perhaps start by offering time and skills to others in need. You will quickly find that you are truly priceless and possibly the most valuable aspect of someone's life.

As a warning to the above, do not give beyond your comfort level as it creates resentment. Allow yourself to be valued, but do not base your value off of actions alone. You are quite valuable whether you take actions to reinforce that value or not...

Cheers!

MissInfiniti

You have to value yourself or nobody else will! You can't look to others for validation that you're awesome. Confidence is sexy. I have insecurities just like anybody else, but play up the things you love about yourself.

neandermagnon

It has to come from within. As in you have to learn to trust your own judgement about yourself. And it's not just about looks, it's about your skills, personal qualities and everything else. You'll never get enough external validation to feel good about yourself, and then there's the issue about whether someone's just telling white lies.... you have to learn to get that from within, as in "I like me and I think I'm a good person" ........ personally looks aren't that high on my agenda, I value my strength, intelligence, creativity and resourcefulness more than looks... I'm not saying they're not important, as in I make the effort to look presentable and I don't think I'm ugly. I just value other qualities more.

So what I'm saying is if you want more confidence and self esteem - list all your good qualities and trust yourself that your judgement is sound and you really do have these good qualities. In terms of looks, try to be rational about yourself when you look in the mirror... view yourself as you would a close friend... if a close friend looked like you would you say she was ugly? Would you say she was nice looking? Would you give her advice (e.g. lose a little body fat, get a new haircut, etc)? You'll probably find that the answers are no, she's not ugly, yes she is nice looking and no I wouldn't comment on the other things because I wouldn't even notice, but if she specifically asked my advice I'd say....

kind of like that. It has to come from you, not from others.

amg120

Now I'm thinking maybe I'm just a bad person. I don't know if it's a confidence issue. I think I'm confident, but I also see myself as being incredibly different from everyone else.

Maybe I'm just no attractive enough to make up for my personality.

I know what is good about me, but the self esteem is completely physical.

leantool

i understand. i have been the snubbed nose chubby kid in school,snubbed nosed fat girl in college, but guess what, i have always taken pride in my work,my intelligence and learned to be gracious, now i'm 35 years old woman,i am good at what i do,i am well read ,i have quite a few good friends who have stuck to me thick and thin,have been in and out of relationships.i'm fully aware that i'm less than plain looking but i don't care.
do take note of your good qualities, your abilities,your sense of responsibility and cherish them.start loving yourself by bits and pieces,till you do that entirely.:flowerforyou:
make it an exercise till you find it ingrained in your mind.

sugarstrawberries

Society makes it really really hard for women to have any validation of themselves other than thinking we're externally pretty or not, and most women think they're not because there is an impossibly high standard of beauty. Ridiculous catch-22 there.
I think that's the first step to recognizing that you are a perfectly fine human--it's everyone else who has problems. Your validation needs to come from yourself and not other people, because other people are *kitten*.

That being said, I know how hard self-love is. You just need to take it a little bit at a time. Give yourself specific time to devote to yourself, doing things that make you feel good. Talk about your body parts in only positive terms. Stare at yourself in the mirror and eventually realize that everyone is just made up of a bunch of cells put together in different ways that make us all look different and anyone who has anything bad to say to you deserves their teeth pulled and tongue cut out. :flowerforyou:

BrainyBurro

I've always had really bad self esteem, and I don't take compliments well because I always think everyone is being too nice or can't be blunt.

I'm sure a lot of people are dealing with a similar issue/have dealt with a similar issue.

How do you start to value yourself? I don't want to end up being someone who tries to get validation that I'm pretty and not an ugly duckling, but I also am not one to sugar coat things and lie to myself.

How do you learn to deal with things when appearance is such an important part of our culture?!

make an effort to give compliments to others.

it's free and the right compliment given to the right person at the right time can turn that person's day around completely.

once you're comfortable giving compliments, you'll begin to feel more comfortable receiving them.

lacroyx

I've always had really bad self esteem, and I don't take compliments well because I always think everyone is being too nice or can't be blunt.

I'm sure a lot of people are dealing with a similar issue/have dealt with a similar issue.

How do you start to value yourself? I don't want to end up being someone who tries to get validation that I'm pretty and not an ugly duckling, but I also am not one to sugar coat things and lie to myself.

How do you learn to deal with things when appearance is such an important part of our culture?!

make an effort to give compliments to others.

it's free and the right compliment given to the right person at the right time can turn that person's day around completely.

once you're comfortable giving compliments, you'll begin to feel more comfortable receiving them.

I found this to be helpful for me. I struggle at times receiving them. In the past I would rarely talk to others in person about my weight loss because when I did and people found out how much I lost, the compliments and congratulations made me feel weird and slightly uncomfortable. I don't like being the center of attention. Over time it has improved though. I still don't talk about my weight loss first but if others ask or the conversation is steered that way, I will then.

mruntidy

You shouldn't you're good looking.

BUT

Self doubt and low self esteem are two things that I think everyone must struggle with to varying degrees to be using the site. KNowing I wasn't alone in it helped me out a lot especially when I nudged myself to start talking to people at the gym. I even found out that a few of the people stroked my ego a little on discussing things and being open back.

It boosted my confidence a little to hear that and it was only because I had stepped out of my 'serious face earphones in don't talk to me do you even lift brah it's all about the macro's shy moody emo angst' zone.

In essence there are people that admire and compliment you already without you even knowing it so it stands to reason that those around you might be suffering the same low self esteem despite the broad smile and swagger.

KariOrtiz2014

You have to value yourself or nobody else will! You can't look to others for validation that you're awesome. Confidence is sexy. I have insecurities just like anybody else, but play up the things you love about yourself.

We all have insecurities! You have to go pass that! You are beautiful and I'm sure you're beautiful inside too!

krisjackson31105

Yeah I have bad self esteem myself and think I am ugly.I am going to be 33 next month and never been with anyone. Have not ask anyone out since high school since I figure nobody would have me since no one has ever liked me to the best of my knowledge.If some asked me what my best feature on my body is I wouldn't know what to answer them cause there is nothing I like on my body.I have really good sense of humor and personality so I been told.

EternalDecadence

Beauty fades....putting focus into something else that gives you purpose, it can distract you from insecurities and draw people to you. I am passionate about child rights! When you separate yourself from your appearance it attracts the right people for you. I'm sure life is easier in some ways for attractive people, I'm not naive, I see that just in the way I am treated from losing a few pounds, but finding happiness in it, is unfulfilling. We all want to be validated for who we are in the end. Everyone has insecurity of some sort. Figure out who you are, and confidence will follow.

ashandstuff

People always say "it has to come from within" and I guess that is true.

What I have found is that I just think of ONE thing (even something small or insignificant to others) that I am good at or think is great about myself. I focus on that. In a way, I make myself feel better, knowing I'm not a waste of space. From there it's like climbing a ladder of positive thoughts, one after another...all day...every day, that (hopefully) leads to the ultimate goal of being self confident enough that I'm no longer miserable.

BUT that's coming from someone with issues. So....lol. MFP makes me so oddly self aware at times.

salembambi

I do not even think I should answer this because I have no idea
does self worth = confidence in appearance nah i dont think so not for me anyway
self love is such a hard thing when you don't think you deserve it or can barely see anything good about yourself

hmmm

especially for women ..& how our beauty & bodies are up for constant debate & scrutiny

I guess try to show yourself love even if you do not think you deserve it and know your self worth/worth as a human being in general is not linked to your appearance (even though of course society would have you think otherwise)

Bucky83

I can absolutely relate to this, hands down. I have very low self esteem when it comes to my appearance and I've been told that I won't meet anyone if I don't do something about that. If I improve my self esteem by eating better and losing weight, then I am more likely to meet someone (or so I'm told by my mother).

I have certainly found that when I pretend to be confident, I get male interest. Weird, as I'm very unhappy in my appearance and have had no interest from guys whatsoever.

I'm 31 and never had a relationship.... I've briefly dated (e.g. 4 dates and then they're gone, but it's not that I'm picky, I just don't want to be with someone who is negative all the time) but never had a boyfriend.

melb_alex

make the decison to change your attitude towards other people's compliments/comments.

By posting this you have already taken the first step; acknowledgment.

Lilly_the_Hillbilly

I've always had really bad self esteem, and I don't take compliments well because I always think everyone is being too nice or can't be blunt.

I'm sure a lot of people are dealing with a similar issue/have dealt with a similar issue.

How do you start to value yourself? I don't want to end up being someone who tries to get validation that I'm pretty and not an ugly duckling, but I also am not one to sugar coat things and lie to myself.

How do you learn to deal with things when appearance is such an important part of our culture?!

make an effort to give compliments to others.

it's free and the right compliment given to the right person at the right time can turn that person's day around completely.

once you're comfortable giving compliments, you'll begin to feel more comfortable receiving them.

I don't know if I agree with this. I am quite happy to give compliments and I don't pass them out willy nilly. I mean them, but I still can't take a compliment. I can't. I just... don't believe it.

Sinisterly

I still feel like the person I was a year and a half ago, even though the reflection in the mirror is another person that I thought I'd never recognize again.

Noogynoogs

Just accept them and carry on with your day.

BuoyantSoul

Change your attitude toward others. One of the things that helped me most in accepting my body and my appearance was, strangely enough, accepting others. I'm ashamed to admit that I used to constantly judge others' appearances (in my head, not out loud). If I saw someone who was heavier than me I would think, "Oh, thank god I don't look like THAT," or "Doesn't that person care about herself?" or something like that. Actually I was just externalizing my self-esteem issues. Those are really thoughts I was having about myself. I found that when I consciously stopped judging the bodies of others I slowly stopped doing that internal monologue of criticism about MYSELF, too. Maybe you don't do this, but I think that most of us have succumbed to this kind of thinking from time to time. If you quit doing it, it really helps.

Someone up-thread said to give others compliments. I think that's a great idea. Not compliments about looks, but rather their abilities or achievements. Focus on qualities that people have besides the way they look. When you do that with others you will do that about yourself, as well.

Another thing that helped me was practicing Ashtanga yoga. Not to lose weight, but to become more mindful. Yoga is a kind of meditation. The first time I did it, I remember afterward I started crying because it was the first time in my life that I was truly grateful for my body, truly felt that my body was a wonderful, divine, almost miraculous gift. The yoga had helped me bring my consciousness into my body and realize how connected that made me with the universal life force. What it looks like is completely beside the point. I am healthy and able to do all the things I want and need to do. My body has carried me around for 38 years and I've been able to do so much with it. It doesn't deserve to be hated and reviled, it deserves to be celebrated. You can even say it is a perfect expression of divinity.

Your body deserves to be celebrated, too, because it's your physical presence in the world. If you start to think about the way in which your body helps you each day, sustains you, makes it possible for you to be alive and do the things you love to do, the ways in which it feels good, I think you'll also see that it doesn't deserve to be hated. Our bodies deserve to be loved by us!

evangelean

The way I boost my self esteem is to have something I feel I look very nice in stored away. I will never wear it anywhere anyone could judge me in it, so my opinion on how I look in it is the only one that matters. Slowly that mindset spreads to my appearance in other things until i'm all good again.

Also congratulate yourself for every little thing you do good for your body. Drinking water. Sleeping. Eating. Showering. Brushing (hair and teeth) cleaning the underside of your nails. Just the little things until you feel you've done well for yourself. It gives back a little of the pride in your body you deserve to have no matter what society says.

Also look up fatshion and plus sized models. Once you come across a good looking model who's body shape reminds you of your own and they're workin' it the positivity dial hits MAX and doesn't come down for days.