Struggling with Feelings of Self-Loathing

swinnie239

I have struggled since I was a teenager with binge eating disorder (medically diagnosed). Much of this had to do with my mother and her constant instistance that I should be thin and pretty the way that she was at my age. This led me to retreat to food and gain a great deal of weight. When I was in high school over the summer, she did moniter me and a bit of forced bulimia to the point where I did lose 50 lbs in under 3 months.

This obviously was not sustainable and coupled with the stress and the fact that I already had one eating disorder to begin with did not help matters at all. Since then I have struggled with trying to lose weight and not doing it in a healthy manner. I find myself filled with digust at how I look and just retreating back to food, and hating myself for it.

For the last year, I took time off from monitoring what I was eating specifically and was just working on the whole self-confidence thing and trying to stop the binge episodes. I'm not all the way there yet, but am considerably better than I have been in the past and have not had a major binge episode in almost a year (one minor one a few weeks ago, but there have been much worse ones).

Oftentime, I get discouraged after losing 20-30 lbs and end up back where I started. At my heaviest, I was around 195-200 lbs (I'm 5'3"). Currently, I'm at a bit under 180.

I am trying to do this in a healthy and sustainable manner. I was wondering if anyone else had gone through similar issues and would be willing to help me out on this. I'd like to have some friends for support, etc.

Thanks.
(Sorry if this is oversharing. I just didn't want anyone to volunteer thinking that I was a low stress person.)

terbusha

Thank you for sharing your struggles. These things are difficult to deal with. I would be more than happy to help you along in your journey and help you figure out the best way to make this a sustainable lifestyle. I think that it is important that you do not put too much pressure on yourself. Mis-steps will happen. They happen to us all. All we have to do it pick ourselves up, brush off the dust, and get back to business. As long as you are trying to make changes and striving for progress, you're a winner. Just keep going.

I think that with proper nutrition and regular exercise, 1-2 lbs/week is very doable. It'll take commitment, but that teaches you how to keep this going.

Also, I help to operate Facebook support groups where we help to teach healthy eating habits and how to accomplish regular exercise in a sustainable manner. I'd be happy to chat with you more about this if it sounds like something you're looking for.

Allan

PJPrimrose

A TON of folks on here have issues with binging! The advice I've seen is to 1. don't beat yourself up if possible 2. log the binge 3. get back on track and keep going. One binge will not derail and entire eating plan forever 4. get help if you need it

cebreisch

Thanks for sharing your struggles. My mother has bugged me all my life - well, since I was 10, and I'm now soon to be 48. I have a sister who is my height and a "size one" who my mother always tried to compare us - that I should be as skinny as she was. Yes, I retreated to the world of food too. Never went to bulimia though.

It's astonishing to me how fast I can put on weight, and how long it takes to try to lose it. It's really hard not to get caught up in that cycle of "why bother eating well when I'll be 80 before I get where I want to be" - or at least that's how it feels.

There have to be things that you notice that are better after losing 20-30 pounds though. Clothes fit differently, you look better.

I remember being able to walk through the airport and actually fly on a plane without needing a seat extender. That was a HUGE deal for me. Make sure you recognize the subtle victories. They are there, and are things for which you should be proud!! 20-30 pounds is something to be proud of!!

You can be proud of the subtle accomplishments until you get to where you want to be.

bhdon

I think it helps to remember that no matter what size you are, you are lovable, you are worthy and you are enough. What others think about you, say and do doesn't matter anymore. What really matters is that you realize you have the ability to love and care for your self, as you would love any child in your care. You also have the ability to forgive yourself for not being perfect, because you know in your heart none of us are, nor are we meant to be. Please don't treat your self any differently than you would treat a child who needs acceptance, love, patience and encouragement. You deserve no less than this. Once you appreciate this, and refuse to no longer put energy into diminishing yourself and beating yourself up, it makes it easier to behave lovingly toward yourself, to make choices that are in your best interest, to forgive yourself on the tough days, and reassure yourself that you are worthy of the time and patience it takes to better love you. You can do this and yes, you're worth it.