Why honesty is not always the best policy...

MSeel1984

*edited to add* THIS IS A RANT...of a frustrated bridesmaid.

So I'm throwing a bachelorette party for a very good friend of mine.

I had planned a personal party, providing appetizers and drinks...the plan was then to hit the town for drinks and have the girls crash at my place so nobody had to drive (I was going to be the DD)...then I'd make brunch the next morning for everyone.

Originally planned to buy matching tank tops for everyone that was invited (guest list was sent ahead of time so I'd know how many to buy). So I bought those and assembled "hangover first aid kits" for everyone as well.

Then the drama started. She wanted a limo. And this was back and forth. I told her I couldn't afford it and that I'd be happy to be the designated driver. She kept insisting...then she told me that since I was planning the party, I had to solicit the other girls for money to pay for the limo. She then invited extra people to help pay for the limo...which meant I had to get more party favors and shirts so that the guests who were invited last minute wouldn't feel left out. She told me not to stress and that I should ask everyone to just pay for their shirts/favors.

Finally, last night, things came to a head and I lost it. She told me that her fiancee had gotten the limo for us and she wanted me to ask the girls to chip in for the tip for the driver.
When I mentioned that I would have been the DD, but that it was very nice for her fiancee to pay, the bride-to-be says "Well...he wanted me to have a good time. And he thought it'd be lame for us to have a mini van-he wanted me to have the limo."

It hurts my feelings that she feels it wouldn't have been a good time without the limo...and that my financial constraints wouldn't allow me to throw the party she really wanted. I told her so. She's been bridezilla x 10...and everyone thinks so but won't say anything. I feel bad because I spoke up and said what was on my mind and let her know that she was being a bit selfish...

Just a word to the wise...honesty is not always the best policy.

MysteriousMerlin

I still hold that it's the best policy, but there are times when you have to bite your tongue. In this case, I think you were in the right to tell her. Being a bride-to-be does not give you carte blanche to be a *****.

MSeel1984

I still hold that it's the best policy, but there are times when you have to bite your tongue. In this case, I think you were in the right to tell her. Being a bride-to-be does not give you carte blanche to be a *****.

Well...and this is said now that she's not talking to me...she said she wanted to talk on the phone because she was tired of the messages going back and forth...she hasn't responded to anything so far.
I'm afraid she won't even want me in the wedding at this point...then again-if she does react that way....maybe it's not worth it. I just hate when people don't communicate. So many frustrations could have been avoided if she just told me that what I had planned wasn't what she wanted.

mrfreestyle

I agree. You did the right thing speaking up. You were basically doing her a favour and she had no right to be such an ungrateful b****! I do believe honesty is indeed the best policy. It may not always work in your favour but in the long term it will benefit you greatly.

hbrittingham

You know the saying "with friends like this....."? Well, she's one of THOSE friends. I personally would hand over the favors to another of the girls that will be going to the party and step down as a bridesmaid. I don't do drama, I don't have any room for it in my life.

MSeel1984

Thanks, guys.

I just feel bad because now she's not talking to me...I hate the awkward phase that follows an argument.

MSeel1984

You know the saying "with friends like this....."? Well, she's one of THOSE friends. I personally would hand over the favors to another of the girls that will be going to the party and step down as a bridesmaid. I don't do drama, I don't have any room for it in my life.

Well another problem is this.
She pulled this same stuff with the bridal shower that the maid of honor threw. Asking for more money per person for food, inviting additional guests (making additional invitations to send out herself to people that were not budgeted for). I chipped in roughly $250-$300 for the shower to pay for the centerpieces...because the budget had gone overboard for the Maid of honor.

Neither the MOH or the other bridesmaid can make it to the bachelorette party and only the MOH is willing to chip in any money for the party...so essentially I was left holding the bag...I had planned the party before the other bridesmaid told me she couldn't make it. But nobody has said anything to the bride until last night (regarding how expensive everything was getting)... Ugh.

lemur_lady

To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

She could have handled it a bit better granted but it seems like everything worked out? I mean you are not any more out of pocket and she got the party she wanted.

ETA: After reading the other posts it does seem like she is being a bit bridezilla about everything. How do the other people in the wedding party feel about it?

serindipte

I wouldn't want to continue to be friends with this person. I sure wouldn't want to be in their wedding if this is how they're acting.

MSeel1984

To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

She could have handled it a bit better granted but it seems like everything worked out? I mean you are not any more out of pocket and she got the party she wanted.

ETA: After reading the other posts it does seem like she is being a bit bridezilla about everything. How do the other people in the wedding party feel about it?

I just wish she'd been more up front about what she wanted so I could have spent money on the things that mattered more to her...but she waited until the last minute to say anything about this. Then she didn't want to ask the girls herself to fork out money for the limo-she told me that since I was the party planner, I had to ask.
She's been a bit immature about the whole thing.

*Edited to add: My bachelorette party was me and one friend going out for drinks and karaoke...if someone throws you a party...you should be polite and pleased with what they do for you instead of demanding that things be done your way. I understand it's her party and I want her to have a good time...but at what point is enough enough?*

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SymphonynSonata

I thought that what you did was very nice and thoughtful! You shouldn't feel bad at all, you're doing all of this for (I presume based on the text?) free. You sound like a great friend! Maybe sneak some midols into those first aid kids.

Skinny_minny_mo

Eek.

At least it didn't escalate to the point where you both beat each other up (like the incident which happened on a fight between the bridal party recently).

MSeel1984

I thought that what you did was very nice and thoughtful! You shouldn't feel bad at all, you're doing all of this for (I presume based on the text?) free. You sound like a great friend! Maybe sneak some midols into those first aid kids.

Yes this is free...I hadn't thought about asking for any money until she told me to ask the girls to give money for the limo/tip, etc...then suggested to ask for $ for the t shirts. I would never dream of asking a party guest to pay for the favors I got for them...
It was frustrating for me that she thought the party wasn't going to be good enough or she wouldn't be happy unless she got the limo. She's not helping to pay for anything and will expect us all to pay for her liquor when we go out.

walterm852

Reach out to her, these things get crazy.

I think I can understand the limo thing and its nice that her boyfriend is paying. At least she is being proactive about your concerns, she isnt demanding anything that she isnt willing to provide a solution for, its a balance and she isnt making it all on you. As far as the hangover kits, maybe reach out to a few and explain nicely ... you may get help, or you may have to adjust the kit (or bag it).

Try to enjoy it, and again, reach out to her. You are friends, its a stressful time for everyone, exercise understanding (but its okay to stay in budget)

Skinny_minny_mo

I thought that what you did was very nice and thoughtful! You shouldn't feel bad at all, you're doing all of this for (I presume based on the text?) free. You sound like a great friend! Maybe sneak some midols into those first aid kids.

Yes this is free...I hadn't thought about asking for any money until she told me to ask the girls to give money for the limo/tip, etc...then suggested to ask for $ for the t shirts. I would never dream of asking a party guest to pay for the favors I got for them...
It was frustrating for me that she thought the party wasn't going to be good enough or she wouldn't be happy unless she got the limo. She's not helping to pay for anything and will expect us all to pay for her liquor when we go out.

the bottom line is, is this worth losing a friendship over? if not, reach out to her and discuss it. she may not realise that her suggesting a limo etc made you feel that your ideas weren't good enough...

SapiensPisces

To be honest its her wedding/bachelorette party. If she gets the chance to have only one then she deserves to have it done in a way that she will enjoy. Its not really fair to expect her party to rely soley on your financial constraints IYSWIM? If she was expecting you to pay for the extras then of course she would have been in the wrong.

This is what irritates me about so many brides-to-be. Why does someone have to spend a fortune on a wedding/bridal shower/bachelorette party/etc. in order to have a good time just because they think they "deserve" it?

Also, it appears from the original post that the bride asked all of her bridesmaids to pay extra for the things she wanted above and beyond what the OP and bridesmaids were willing to pay for then made the OP feel bad, because she couldn't afford to pay for the extras and didn't feel comfortable asking the other bridesmaids to pay more than they already agreed to pay. It's a ****ty thing to do, bride or not.

ETA: OP you are an awesome friend. Just keep trying to reach out to her.

MSeel1984

I thought that what you did was very nice and thoughtful! You shouldn't feel bad at all, you're doing all of this for (I presume based on the text?) free. You sound like a great friend! Maybe sneak some midols into those first aid kids.

Yes this is free...I hadn't thought about asking for any money until she told me to ask the girls to give money for the limo/tip, etc...then suggested to ask for $ for the t shirts. I would never dream of asking a party guest to pay for the favors I got for them...
It was frustrating for me that she thought the party wasn't going to be good enough or she wouldn't be happy unless she got the limo. She's not helping to pay for anything and will expect us all to pay for her liquor when we go out.

the bottom line is, is this worth losing a friendship over? if not, reach out to her and discuss it. she may not realise that her suggesting a limo etc made you feel that your ideas weren't good enough...

That's the thing-I did try to reach out to her to discuss it...she isn't talking to me.

skinnyinnotime

She should have paid for it herself. Expecting you to pay for it after all your effort and expense is plain rude.

ETA: I found my Hen night rather boring and not really what I wanted...BUT I said nothing and did my best to have a good time as my 2 closest friends had done their best to organise everything. I was grateful for this and no way was I going to offend their genorosity and organisation or destroy our friendship

culo97

*edited to add* THIS IS A RANT...of a frustrated bridesmaid.

It hurts my feelings that she feels it wouldn't have been a good time without the limo...and that my financial constraints wouldn't allow me to throw the party she really wanted. I told her so. She's been bridezilla x 10...and everyone thinks so but won't say anything. I feel bad because I spoke up and said what was on my mind and let her know that she was being a bit selfish...

Just a word to the wise...honesty is not always the best policy.

I don't think you over-reacted one single bit. The bride must be running from reality if she thinks she and her friends are all of a sudden rich princesses just because she's getting married. I hope her husband realizes what an immature, selfish person with no concept of money he's attaching himself to. I see big bills and lots of hissy fits in his future.

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dlionsmane

Here's a thought... if the scope of what she wants or deems necessary for it to 'be a good time' is beyond what her friends and family can comfortably provide then SHE should pitch in. I would never ask my friends to go broke to throw me a party for petes sake. What a tosser....

rml_16

Oh, dear. I would politely back out of being a bridesmaid.

I'm sorry you're dealing with that.

MSeel1984

Here's a thought... if the scope of what she wants or deems necessary for it to 'be a good time' is beyond what her friends and family can comfortably provide then SHE should pitch in. I would never ask my friends to go broke to throw me a party for petes sake. What a tosser....

Well the other problem is that her parents set a budget for her wedding, but it wasn't enough...so she and her fiancee are pitching in more money for the wedding-so that is stressing her out. She's going overboard on everything and then getting stressed about it. I'm too afraid to ask her for money for this because this is how she reacted to this situation...by not talking to me.

rml_16

I thought that what you did was very nice and thoughtful! You shouldn't feel bad at all, you're doing all of this for (I presume based on the text?) free. You sound like a great friend! Maybe sneak some midols into those first aid kids.

Yes this is free...I hadn't thought about asking for any money until she told me to ask the girls to give money for the limo/tip, etc...then suggested to ask for $ for the t shirts. I would never dream of asking a party guest to pay for the favors I got for them...
It was frustrating for me that she thought the party wasn't going to be good enough or she wouldn't be happy unless she got the limo. She's not helping to pay for anything and will expect us all to pay for her liquor when we go out.

For the record, under reasonable circumstances, as a guest I would be happy to help pay for the party. I would see it as a group of friends showing the bride-to-be a good time together. It shouldn't ever fall on just one person.

But she's being unreasonable in her demands.

ekz13

I still hold that it's the best policy, but there are times when you have to bite your tongue. In this case, I think you were in the right to tell her. Being a bride-to-be does not give you carte blanche to be a *****.

AGREE!!!

SHE conducted herself poorly and was ungrateful.. not at all good manners. Bad form on her part.

SapiensPisces

Here's a thought... if the scope of what she wants or deems necessary for it to 'be a good time' is beyond what her friends and family can comfortably provide then SHE should pitch in. I would never ask my friends to go broke to throw me a party for petes sake. What a tosser....

Well the other problem is that her parents set a budget for her wedding, but it wasn't enough...so she and her fiancee are pitching in more money for the wedding-so that is stressing her out. She's going overboard on everything and then getting stressed about it. I'm too afraid to ask her for money for this because this is how she reacted to this situation...by not talking to me.

This is HER problem and the solution must be hers.

If she asks for anything more than what is agreed upon now, just say "no" unless she wants to pay for it herself. Draw the line. Be firm but polite about it and explain that you and the bridesmaids aren't obligated to do anything for her beyond what you've already agreed to do.

asiLm11

Wow... sorry to read that you have had such a bad time! I've recently been a bride.

My one and only bridesmaid was and is my best-friend of many years. I could never imagine treating my friend the way you have been treated.

As I was the bride and had asked my friend to be my bridesmaid - I didn't want to put her out of pocket because of it - NO WAY. I asked her to be my bridesmaid and to me, it was my wedding, mine and my now husband's day - not something my best-friend or any friend should feel financially obligated to by any means.

My friends dress was paid for and I had it made for her as well. Her make-up was paid for. She wanted to do her own hair so she did, she's very particular about her hair I wouldn't have had it any other way. We even went halves in the hens night that she held at her house for me, it was a small quiet-ish girlie games night, no paraphernalia or anything crude and it was an awesome night - confetti guns included and all (her idea lol). We did things like organise the hens night together etc. She offered to pay for things like put in for her dress and help with the make-up but I didn't want her to, she had already done HEAPS with having the Hen's night at her's and everything she did along the way helping me with things wedding-wise.

Sorry for the novel. I believe in the words - treat others how you want to be treated. If one day I am a bridesmaid for my best-friend or someone else i sure hope they don't treat me the way you have been treated

As I said I could NEVER treat someone the way you've described your friend treating you ... its a real shame, and personally I wouldn't stand for it!

emdeesea

Feel sorry for the guy who's marrying her...

rml_16

Feel sorry for the guy who's marrying her...

He seems to be on the same page.