Diet saboteurs...

Francl27

You guys have a weird relationship if she only wants to meet you at a pastry shop and if you feel that you can't see her if you don't want cake. I don't even know what to say. She clearly has issues, but you could still meet her there and just not order anything (or just have coffee or something).

Strokingdiction

You guys have a weird relationship if she only wants to meet you at a pastry shop and if you feel that you can't see her if you don't want cake. I don't even know what to say. She clearly has issues, but you could still meet her there and just not order anything (or just have coffee or something).

lindsey1979

I feel for you. Food is complicated -- it's a symbol of a lot of different things in many social systems. People often use it to show they care -- they make you something (chicken noodle soup when you're sick, cake for your birthday, etc.) or take you out to dinner (dates, celebrations, etc.) for social activities. So, sadly, some people confuse the two -- the sign of affection with the actual food. My Mom was almost in tears many years ago because I declined a piece of cheesecake and she made it "just for me". She wasn't trying to sabotage me, but just express herself. Sometimes, this can be very difficult for people.

Then there are others that project their issues on to others -- this sounds very much like your friend. She likely feels guilty or something when you're not engaging in the same amount of cake eating as she is. Sort of like how some people have a very hard time having a cocktail around a non-drinker. So they keep pressuring that person to do the same thing they're doing to feel better about it themselves. The issue is HERS, not yours. So, that's good to keep in perspective, but it doesn't exactly solve your problem about the friendship.

As another poster pointed out, this is a boundary issue. She may not ever realize the damage she's doing to your relationship or the hurt/anxiety/discomfort she's causing you with her insistence on the cake. I'd have a really calm, caring conversation with her where you explain that you care for/love her, but you really need for her to respect your boundary about this and not try to guilt trip you, harass you, etc. about food. If she can't do this, then she's a destructive, manipulative force in your life and you're better off without her or have to make sure that you only include her in your life when her nastiness around food won't be an issue (though, frankly, I think this is probably pretty hard to do).

estaticaa

What you're describing doesn't seem a saboteur to me, it sounds like a bully. Dictating what you should eat in her presence and refusing to hang out with you unless you do as she says could easily be considered abusive. We only hear your version of things, of course. There is also the possibility that she believes you are under-eating and hurting yourself and this could be her way of taking care of you.

I'll give you an example. My parents and grandparents lived in a time where they witnessed hunger, grew up not being able to eat what they wanted and when they wanted. They only ate cake once a year on their own birthday for years. Decades later, they are predictably both overweight and consider food as another form of wealth, comfort and love. You can imagine how horrified they are whenever I refuse food they offer.

But despite offering me foods I can't eat (which is what I consider sabotage, in a way), they have never forced me or bullied me into eating anything I don't want or threatened to cut ties with me if I don't do as they say.

Like others have said, I think it's important you communicate this to your friend and set things straight. If she doesn't clarify where all this obsession with eating cake comes from and keeps trying to force you just because she doesn't want to hang out with people who don't eat what she wants, then she's not really worth it.

Iwishyouwell

And this is one of the reasons why I'm glad, despite how large I got, that I had very few fat friends and none of my friendships ever revolved around food and eating.

If you were fat in body AND in mind, and built a social network that revolved around constant eating, then it's really only expected that people in that that social network are going to try and normalize the situation. It's not easy for human beings, in general, to accept change. You changed, they did not. Naturally a part of them wants things to be how they once were; misery loves company and all that. It's not easy for some people, still stuck in the mud, to see their friend get out and move on.

Talk to these people. You need to let them know that no means no. If they still don't respect your choices, it might be time to reevaluate why you're still friends with them.

JennaViolet

Some people over-eat and feel that cutting back is too hard, so they convince people that it is a choice and they enjoy life that way, but they can never convince themselves.
When people have made a choice to cut back and change their life for the better, particularly those close to them, these people see before their eyes the sort of change they could make if only they had the will to do so and it hurts them.
Through all of the comments and remarks, she feels worse than you do.

It isn't fair, true friends wouldn't want to drag you down with them, they'd support and congratulate you. But I feel like chances are that is how she feels.