Relapsed into my ED and now I can't stop binging.

uglyclub

This is my first post on MFP, so hello! This is going to be pretty long, I hope that's okay.

I'm 20 years old, female and my BMI was 19 two weeks ago and now it's probably 20 or more, who knows. I'm too afraid to weigh myself.

I used to suffer from anorexia nervosa a few years ago and recovered. This year, I've been through a lot of stress, which triggered a (re)lapse. But I didn't lose that much of weight this time. BMI 19 was my lowest this year, actually. I lost about 5 kilos in three and a half-months. I've also not gotten my periods this whole year.

Recently, I've started binging a lot. Two weeks ago, I had one of the worst binges ever that lasted for an entire week. And they were all 3000-5000 calories. Before that, I used to binge once a week or once every two weeks and restrict on the other days. Since then, I've been battling the urge to binge eat EVERY DAY. I am constantly anxious and FOOD IS ALWAYS ON MY MIND.

I've upped my intake to 1800-2000 calories and have been eating that since my last binge (the one I mentioned earlier was my last binge) and have not had a proper binge since then. I've not restricted either, and that's making my anxiety worse.

Eat too little = anxious. Eat too much = anxious. GAH!

When I was recovering a few years back, I was stuck in a binge cycle as well and I gained to a BMI of 22 and then the binges naturally stopped. Within a year, my weight went back down to BMI 21 and my periods were regular and everything was great.

So I'm guessing the fact that I started restricting again this year is what's causing me to binge. But I'm also worried that this might be a food addiction/obsession thing? I wake up and the first thing on my mind is food. I'm thinking about lunch during breakfast. And lunch time, I'm at war with myself, contemplating if I should allow myself something for tea-time or not. And so on.. you get the picture. And I feel like if I were to allow myself something, I'd end up binging, so my kitchen's empty (I pity my family).

And I have no idea how many calories someone my weight/age/gender should be consuming. I feel like 1800-2000 is too high and that I might end up gaining weight non-stop.

AAAAH HOW DO I STOP THE BINGES?? HOW DO I KNOW IF THESE BINGES ARE CAUSED BY A BINGE EATING DISORDER OR IF IT'S JUST MY BODY RESPONDING TO STARVATION?? I'M SO TERRIFIED. :-(

uglyclub

Oh, I should mention that as a student, I'm pretty sedentary. I do 30 minutes of light cycling a day, 5 times a week, but that's it.

Tillyecl1

Hi, I am so sorry you are having to deal with these things, you are so young to be living with this amount of stress and worry.

My honest opinion is that you need to go and speak to a professional about these issues, they will be able to offer proper advice based on you particular situation and will be able to provide the on going support which you will need to overcome these issues.

Sorry I can't offer any help other than that but I wish you the absolute best and all the strength in the world during your recovery.

EDIT: Also you can get help from http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/ (in the US) or www.b-eat.co.uk/ (in the UK)

Unknown

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lexistential

Resist the urge to restrict after a binge. It will most likely cause another binge. If you are truly nervous about your intake, you should lower it a little bit but try to maintain a healthy amount. You should enter your height, weight, and age into a BMI calculator to determine how many calories you need. Also, be sure to track your binges so you can detect patterns (what time, when, and why). Remember: life is a marathon so if you mess up one day, it's not the end of the world. If possible, seek help from people close to you to help prevent or stop binges. Therapy can help as well but I find talking about it to people close to me the most helpful.

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chelseathinspired

I wish I had an answer for you. But I do actually completely understand. I have BED and its a nightmare. I'm sorry you're going through that. You just have to rein in your control. If you feel like you're going to binge, binge on water until you're too full to eat right then. Or make sure you have healthy foods around. So when you feel like binging. Binge on blueberries or strawberries. That way you get the sweet yumminess your body is craving, without all the calories. Hope that helps. I'm here if you wish to talk

eloisethegiant391

As someone whom has been in this situation before all I can suggest is not to restrict, restricting right now will cause you to binge even more. I know that doesn't help.

FoodFitnessTravel

you just described my life.
sending love.

alexuh

You know, it sounds a lot like you're going through the re-feeding process. These 'binges' you speak of is your body's way of renourishing itself after lots of restriction. It needs the food. It's repairing itself. You can look into the refeeding syndrome by doing a bit of Googling - I'm definitely not an expert but did read up on it myself in the past. You may not be 'very underweight', but you still went through much deprivation and it looks like you're still in recovery. Just to make you aware that the majority of recovery anorexics are put on a 3000 calorie meal plan - which on the outside can be viewed as a binge, but it is most definitely not. They NEED the food, nutrients, carbs, fat, protein that their body has been screaming out for.

Keep your head up and I wish you all the luck. You should be proud that you're no longer in the darkest place of your ED and are seeking some help! :flowerforyou:

SteveK279

Don't get hung up on the scale, weight is a number - it's all about how you carry it, and from the sounds of your BMI, you might even be able to do with a few more lbs - it depends on your height, frame etc - I'd be guessing you're actually tall if you think your BMI is around 20 and your periods stopped...try bear in mind BMI isn't designed for individual analysis, but for averaging populations as a whole & it was developed in the 1840s approx when people were shorter on average.

You're young, you're growing and I wouldn't worry about having some days with 3-5,000 calories, it's all about how it averages out - and no, I don't mean eat nothing for a few days until it averages at a number you want as that would be equally triggering, but look at the long term trend instead of daily / weekly. If for example you ate 5,000 calories on say 6 days in a month with 30 days and 1,800 on the rest, you're still only averaging 2,440

Food being always on the mind can be a good thing too as it allows you to plan and make better choices - I know as a student this isn't always easy, but if can be done, even on a budget and there are plenty of threads on here if you need ideas

emmaaleanne

I know exactly what you're going through. I'm currently recovering, and all I can say is that the feeling now that I am eating healthily (yet also letting myself have treats WHENEVER I truly want them) severely trumps how I felt when I was constantly bingeing. I know that you know this logically in your head, but when you have this ED, the thoughts really do mask any sane reasoning. I remember thinking about food and restricting so much that it would literally rule my day, and I would barely be able to get any university work done.

If I could tell you one thing, it would be to stop spending your nights researching fad diets and pictures of weight loss (if you're like me, I'm guessing you probably do this) and start letting yourself eat whatever you want. As soon as you tell yourself you can have ANYTHING, you gradually stop wanting unhealthy food as much.

I really hope things get better for you

xo

RllyGudTweetr

As a student, you hopefully have counselors available on campus with some experience dealing with ED. Please seek them out.

Eating disorders are serious. Get some help. Best of luck.

Fuzzipeg

I wonder if you might benefit from good general vitamin and multi mineral support. Some more recent thinking on eating disorders thinks the problem may start in system imbalances. Dealing with disordered eating, needing to avoid some foods for real health benefits, I know I feel better taking multi vits and two different multi minerals which only overlap on iron supplementation. Being iron deficient could contribute to the lack of mensuration.

Hope you feel better soon

dortilolma

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I recovered from my ED in my early twenties but it took a long time before I felt my relationship with food was stable.

The best advice I can give is see a counselor - you need to talk to a professional who has experience in this area. As RllyGudTweetr suggested try your campus health service.

Also, try and ensure you have a good support network around you, family and friends who understand your situation can be a massive help during a relapse. You might have to tell them what you need - a shoulder to cry on or an ear to vent your frustrations to - and tell them what you don't need - a lecture, anger, and so on.

I know it's tough but try and occupy your mind with something else to distract from the food obsession. If you need someone to talk to feel free to message me - I'll send you a friend request.

brainzap

I have so been there. Starved myself to 105, then starve/binged to 140.

Don't starve after you binge. I too had a period of time in which I couldn't stop binging, I would starve myself in an attempt to mitigate them, and they came back stronger than ever. (And I lost all my muscle!) Ultimately your body is more powerful than you. I realized this after I did a 3-day water fast, then spent 3 days eating thousands of calories until I was sick, bloated, and looking worse than when I started.

How many calories you should eat depends on your size, level of activity. 1800-2000 is perfect for me to maintain at 5'7, 128, but it does depend. It is scary to eat at first, it feels like SO MUCH FOOD, but then when the food doesn't make you bloat/give you stomach pain/it all tastes good/you don't gain weight, you realize that it's much different/better than binging and you feel far more in control.

To avoid binges....generally eat healthily (for satiety. I keep my main meals low carb.), but if you want a treat, have some. This was the hardest part for me. If I fully avoid treats, I will binge, but then once I start eating something like that it's hard to stop. If you want, say, ice cream, go buy an individual serving of it and fit it into your day. Don't absolutely restrict yourself from food that you love if you will later binge on it.

Another thing to try is lifting weights. I've always felt shy to go to the gym, so I purchased a kettlebell and have been doing workouts with that, and the fast results make me feel very confident, and the increased muscle mass = higher metabolism = you can eat more.

You do have to work a bit to find balance and it is a struggle to not relapse, I wish you luck.

beelee93

I'm also in the exact same boat as you. Only I have had bulimia with self inducing and also obsessive exercising. When it was really bad I would do all three regularly. Restrict, exercise, binge, purge all in one day. Although I lost a lot of weight since I have stopped exercising so obsessively and purging I have gained about 10kg in 4 months. Now I'm so miserable with my weight but I can't stop bingeing and with it being exam season im stuck at home opening the fridge every 10 aeconds. It's a horrible cycle but I hope that I can get out of it once my exams are over. I really suggest seeking some counselling which I have done, it has made me look at things differently. Best of luck and add me if you wish xxxx

Josalinn

You said that you are a student, presumably an undergrad. I went to Penn State University, and I know that they offered free counseling. Now it was free because the counselors were either grad students or seniors in psychology. I used their services after something bad happened to me. I bring this up as a option because I am going to assume that you fall into the category of "broke college student." I am currently in the category of broke grad student =P

This may not go over well, because I am not a psych major but here goes: what do you do when you aren't studying and going to class? What are you doing that is just for you? What do you do with your friends? Do you have many friends? I am not trying to be harsh, but you sound very alone, and I know that when I am alone for long periods of time because my friends are away or have moved, I get very depressed and want to eat constantly. I don't have "binges" per say because I don't keep a lot of food in the house and I am too lazy to order take out. But I will eat half a bag of marshmallows. I freaking love marshmallows.

Ok back to the topic. If you aren't opposed to the idea, do you like board games? If you can find a board game store, many or them have "game nights" or perhaps your school has such a creature. I bring this up because you said you are always thinking about food. But if you have something else to think about and to be around other people, it might help you think about other things. I love playing role playing games (RPGs) like Dungeons and Dragons and Shadowrun, and a lot of times you can find people looking for new group mates. I like the RPGs too because then I get to chose what kind of person I want to be. A strong warrior, a wizard who can defeat dragons, or a thief who is too smart for anyone to catch. It is very empowering. But if that is too dorky or too much of a time commitment, then there are plenty of board games that can be fit into an afternoon.

From what I understand, eating disorders arise out of feeling out of control. Perhaps making a list of all the stresses in your life and really look at them. What can you control? Ok these things need to be addressed. What can't you control? Scratch them out, tear them up, burn them. Not worth your effort.

To sum up, look for some counseling, get in tight with some friends, and find something that you can devote some of your brain power to, you can beat this.

uglyclub

Thank you all for responding! You're all really kind. I'm seeing a psychologist and, occasionally, a dietician. My psychologist has been helping me control my binges, because she thinks that I may be using food to comfort myself.

I have been eating a lot more calories lately, and noticed the binges have stopped *touch wood*. But I still battle binging urges every single day. They're just a lot controllable now that I'm eating more and no longer restricting.

I'm just a bit confused as to how many calories I should be eating. I've been eating around 1600 on weekdays and up to 2000 on weekends, I'm just so hungry all the time. Am I eating too much? Does anyone know how much a person my age, who is only lightly active, should be eating? I've tried using online calculators but they've all given me different results. Some say 1500, some say 1900... I'm so confused. :-(

Thank you all so so much, by the way.

uglyclub

I have so been there. Starved myself to 105, then starve/binged to 140.

Don't starve after you binge. I too had a period of time in which I couldn't stop binging, I would starve myself in an attempt to mitigate them, and they came back stronger than ever. (And I lost all my muscle!) Ultimately your body is more powerful than you. I realized this after I did a 3-day water fast, then spent 3 days eating thousands of calories until I was sick, bloated, and looking worse than when I started.

I'm sorry you went through this too. I realised that every since I started binging again, every time I try to compensate by restricting, I end up having an even larger binge the next day, so I've stopped restricting, which was difficult but I've managed to not restrict for two weeks.

How did you stop binging? Did you up your intake or did you see someone to help you stop the binges? I hope you don't mind sharing. Thanks!

crissi725

You can only get an estimate. If different sources are telling you between 1500-1900, split the difference. Try to reach 1700 or so. You are probably burning at LEAST 1200 just being alive. Then burning more through laughing, walking, light exercise, lifting anything, etc.

But first and foremost, keep going to a therapist. You really sound like you need a helping hand with this.

nomorebingesgirl2014

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