Why does progress come with negativity and mean-ness?

farmers_daughter

Oh just a little frustrated...am I really that much of a wussy? The culture at the gym that I'm at kind of makes me internally think that I am.
No one has said that, and no one has pointed and laughed at the fat girl who needs an accomodation to the burpees,(jackknifes) planks (on my knees) pushups (on the wall).... etc.etc... But a friend of mine has gone with me for quite a few months and wow, she's just turned mean, but not "her" mean, she very much so mimics the trainer in the group.

The people who have dropped weight ridiculously quick, and have made progress other than stamina/strength are all begining to not seem as much of a group as we did before, any sort of difference or OMG excuse that comes out of anyone's mouth is immediately hit with a WALL. like defensive almost.

So I guess my theory of if you enjoy it, and if you are surrounded by people who also enjoy it, you will continue to make it a habit. is out the door???? Idk.

Do you need to develop a mean, *kitten*, do it or die attitude to have progress?

I don't want to have to do that, it just seems so unnecessarily negative.

Edit: Oh yes the motto is if you aren't uncomfortable, you're doing it wrong.

parkscs

Some people are motivated by "tough" trainers - some aren't. But it sounds like your friend is just adopting the attitude of one of those trainers. Personally, I don't consider "tough" training to be all that helpful for the long term because if someone has to be forced to do the right thing (almost like having their parents make them clean their room), what are the odds they'll keep doing the right thing when they stop working out with the trainer. I see this play out all the time in one gym I go to, where the client is constantly adopting the attitude of "oh do I HAVE to??" and the trainer is barking orders (this results in some comedy gold from time to time as well). But to the extent it teaches people to stop making excuses and get it done, it can be a good thing - and perhaps is most useful when people are newbies and accustomed to making excuses not to workout.

My advice would be to just do your own thing and try not to let it bother you. I'm sure your friend is trying to be helpful (and trying to keep herself motivated by taking a "no excuses" attitude for herself), but at the same time that attitude can be obnoxious (my personal opinion). Just try to ensure that you're constantly pushing yourself and doing everything you can to accomplish your goals.

likitisplit

There is a point where people get comfortable with being uncomfortable and find joy in pushing themselves past perceived limits. You might never feel this way. Or you might later. Who knows? The trick is to allow your friends the room to move into their new stage while being confident about your own progression. Know that what comes out of their mouths reflects them more than it is directed at you.

SonicDeathMonkey80

You need a "you do you, I'll do me" attitude to succeed.

deksgrl

Is this a sort of "boot camp" style class?

thepetiterunner

Is this a sort of "boot camp" style class?

I wouldn't assume this is only related to boot camp classes. I am part of a boot camp style class and the atmosphere and culture is nothing but encouraging. I'm not one of those people who likes getting yelled at to push myself, but I understand others need that sort of "tough love" attitude.

We're all at different parts of our journeys. Just focus on your part and let the rest go. Or find a more encouraging, positive atmosphere. I never knew what I was missing before I joined my current gym and now I literally can't wait to get up at 4 am to go to my morning class. It's THAT good.

gieshagirl

I think that people forget what is important.....people. there are always people who are willing to cut you down, make you feel small or inadequate to feed some need or inadequacy of their own. don't listen to them. they don't matter. you are in this for you....and you are worth it. no one knows all of the struggles that you deal with and defeat. this will be one!

spicegeek

Do you need to develop a mean, *kitten*, do it or die attitude to have progress?

I don't want to have to do that, it just seems so unnecessarily negative.

Edit: Oh yes the motto is if you aren't uncomfortable, you're doing it wrong.

What ?? .. I mean WHAT ?? ..

No you do not need to be mean or a jerk to make progress - I do not think I turned mean or into a jerk - at least I hope not - I started out with 10 second planks and push ups off the wall a few years ago - a lot of hard work later and I`m really strong - I compete

I would say yes if you are pushing yourself it is uncomfortable - my lifting coach says to do our sport ( kettle bell lifting - high rep . weights for 10 mins ) you have to be comfortable being uncomfortable - it hurts at times - but it isn`t going to kill us - so you have to get mentally tough on YOURSELF - but being mean to others isn`t helping you

MelsAuntie

Another good reason to work out at home.


I've never experienced ANY negativity and meanness about my weight, or my activity, no matter what my weight was at the time.

Unknown

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deksgrl

Is this a sort of "boot camp" style class?

I wouldn't assume this is only related to boot camp classes. I am part of a boot camp style class and the atmosphere and culture is nothing but encouraging. I'm not one of those people who likes getting yelled at to push myself, but I understand others need that sort of "tough love" attitude.

We're all at different parts of our journeys. Just focus on your part and let the rest go. Or find a more encouraging, positive atmosphere. I never knew what I was missing before I joined my current gym and now I literally can't wait to get up at 4 am to go to my morning class. It's THAT good.

I wasn't assuming anything, that is why I was asking.

Loraluvs

I used to feel that way when I went to the gym. I started out doing squats in and out of a chair. And I thought everyone was looking at me and belittling me behind my back. I thought my progress was so much further behind everyone else's. But yesterday I worked out for an hour with the gyms hardest trainer. I didn't stop. I didn't make excuses. I lifted heavier weights than ever, I squatted down lower, I did what I honestly never thought I could do. And after that hour I had a dozen people give me a high five. Everyone was so proud of my progress. My advice is to keep working as hard as you can. Eventually you will surprise everyone even yourself.

RunFarLiveHappy

<---- This is why this is my gym.

vastiris

I used to feel that way when I went to the gym. I started out doing squats in and out of a chair. And I thought everyone was looking at me and belittling me behind my back. I thought my progress was so much further behind everyone else's. But yesterday I worked out for an hour with the gyms hardest trainer. I didn't stop. I didn't make excuses. I lifted heavier weights than ever, I squatted down lower, I did what I honestly never thought I could do. And after that hour I had a dozen people give me a high five. Everyone was so proud of my progress. My advice is to keep working as hard as you can. Eventually you will surprise everyone even yourself.

I had to have what I called the "remedial squats" too!

I can sort of relate to the OP, I have had two knee surgeries recently, so most of what I do is modified.... although I'm very lucky that the trainers and people I know have been very supportive and understanding in the fact that some things I simply can't do, I can understand that feeling of being a 'weakling'. I started out VERY weak in that for the first few weeks, I did very little with weight and more for improving body mechanics. I started getting the feeling that some of the REALLY advanced women were annoyed by it, but now, we chat from time to time and I think she has sort of seen my progress and now has respect for it... My advice?
1) You'll get better and better. Soon, you'll progess to something particular that shocks you, and you'll be more confident.
2) Don't let anyone else get you down. I almost quit a few times because of my insecurity, but let it drive you instead.

beabria

Oh just a little frustrated...am I really that much of a wussy? The culture at the gym that I'm at kind of makes me internally think that I am.
No one has said that, and no one has pointed and laughed at the fat girl who needs an accomodation to the burpees,(jackknifes) planks (on my knees) pushups (on the wall).... etc.etc... But a friend of mine has gone with me for quite a few months and wow, she's just turned mean, but not "her" mean, she very much so mimics the trainer in the group.

The people who have dropped weight ridiculously quick, and have made progress other than stamina/strength are all begining to not seem as much of a group as we did before, any sort of difference or OMG excuse that comes out of anyone's mouth is immediately hit with a WALL. like defensive almost.

So I guess my theory of if you enjoy it, and if you are surrounded by people who also enjoy it, you will continue to make it a habit. is out the door???? Idk.

Do you need to develop a mean, *kitten*, do it or die attitude to have progress?

I don't want to have to do that, it just seems so unnecessarily negative.

Edit: Oh yes the motto is if you aren't uncomfortable, you're doing it wrong.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I really hope you don't need to be mean to have progress! It's kinda hard to give advice about your friend, since I'm not sure what way(s) she's being mean. I do think that many people who get really into the competitive aspect of fitness become aggressive, probably part of the competitive nature. Do you think that might be what's going on with your friend? I personally don't find aggressiveness very motivating and I wouldn't want to work out with someone who takes that route. Do you know her well enough to discuss it with her? On the other hand, if she's yelling, being negative, or putting you down, my two cents would be to find a new workout partner and new workout group.

[On a somewhat side note: Seeing your post, I tried to think of people I personally know that have made major changes to their fitness and whether their personalities changed. I couldn't come up with one! Which is a little depressing!]

farmers_daughter

To me it seems like you are taking offense to things because you feel you are not progressing the way you see others progressing, so when they start to get really into the workouts and have an intensity about it you become offended. As you point out, nobody has actually said or done anything rude to you, rather they have just developed that no excuses attitude for themselves.

You sir.... hit very close to home. I dont know if offended, or envious, or any other word could be used, but I do feel something... because I'm not progressing like the others have, I also cannot go 5 days a week, my schedule/agenda just simply does not permit me to, but that doesn't mean I sit on my butt at home.
So yes a feeling indeed.

farmers_daughter

Is this a sort of "boot camp" style class?

yes a boot camp circuit type class. It's probably like what people would do in a gym, except you have someone leading and showing you what to do.

kimad

Sounds like you need a new support group and/or gym.. I have made plenty of progress and I never act like that.
Sure I have self talk (internally) to push myself but I would never been like that on the outside.
And heck, after 3 years I can barely do a normal push up - I always alter my stuff and I don't give a damn.
Be happy you are showing up and doing something.

Sounds like you need a change... this isn't the first time you complained about what happens there.

Koldnomore

You need a "you do you, I'll do me" attitude to succeed.

This helps me a lot. I just started doing suspension training - hard stuff! Even though I have been working out for over a year I can't do most of the moves very well and some of them not at all. I'm pretty sure some of the girls snicker behind my back.. I don't really care. I'm not there for them I'm there so that I can do something 'different' than I have been doing for the past year. It's working for me and I am definitely seeing improvement. As long as YOU feel that you are progressing then it's worth while. Focus on what's important and ignore the rest

awesomek001

To me it seems like you are taking offense to things because you feel you are not progressing the way you see others progressing, so when they start to get really into the workouts and have an intensity about it you become offended. As you point out, nobody has actually said or done anything rude to you, rather they have just developed that no excuses attitude for themselves.

You sir.... hit very close to home. I dont know if offended, or envious, or any other word could be used, but I do feel something... because I'm not progressing like the others have, I also cannot go 5 days a week, my schedule/agenda just simply does not permit me to, but that doesn't mean I sit on my butt at home.
So yes a feeling indeed.

Just remember who you're doing this for. You're not doing this to please your friend (or I hope not, anyhow), or to be the strongest or the fastest (obviously not your goal). There are people who are going to be jerks about their perceived notion of progress or lack thereof. They shouldn't be allowed to determine how YOU feel about your progress.

Your progress is something you get to own - - it doesn't depend on anyone else. It would be a different thing if you knew you were not giving 100% at where you are, but it sounds like you are. Everyone has different "seasons" in their life, where they can commit to different things. Doesn't mean that you aren't progressing or trying. Just keep reminding yourself you are going forward!

I "pretend" to be a runner - - I don't run fast and I don't run long. But I run. And I keep reminding myself "I might be slow but I'm lapping the folks sitting on the couch"

farmers_daughter

Sounds like you need a change... this isn't the first time you complained about what happens there.

I think that's why I'm asking so many questions, because I don't want to start over if I'm just acting like a wuss. So I guess I'm guaging if this is a common thing or what not.

I really don't want to leave the place, but maybe I need to just buck up a bit.

I'm glad to hear that someone else can't do a normal pushup!! OY!!! I know I'm always so buried in what I'm doing when we are doing them, but one of these times I should probably look up and see if anyone else is. Or maybe not.

Just wish there was a magic book or instructional on when you should be doing what or "What to Expect when you are starting a new exercise program" LOL

fivethreeone

everyone has a different style.

find something that fits yours.

deksgrl

I think that's why I'm asking so many questions, because I don't want to start over if I'm just acting like a wuss. So I guess I'm guaging if this is a common thing or what not.

I really don't want to leave the place, but maybe I need to just buck up a bit.

I'm glad to hear that someone else can't do a normal pushup!! OY!!! I know I'm always so buried in what I'm doing when we are doing them, but one of these times I should probably look up and see if anyone else is. Or maybe not.

Just wish there was a magic book or instructional on when you should be doing what or "What to Expect when you are starting a new exercise program" LOL

Here is my take on it. If you are truly uncomfortable, then maybe this isn't the thing for you. You want something that you are going to look forward to doing. However, maybe you need to change the way you think about it.... instead of thinking about how you perceive others are seeing you, how do you feel about the workouts aside from feeling like you are not progressing as fast as the others? Do you like it? Do you like how you feel afterward? Do you feel like you are personally making gains (comparing yourself against yourself, not against others)? If after examining these questions you realize that you really are not happy with this or comfortable, then maybe you should try something else. There are a lot of similar kinds of DVD's you could do at home, or there are tons of other kinds of classes, if you want to look for a more supportive class atmosphere. Maybe that means a different location than that gym, but perhaps there.

AllOutof_Bubblegum

Do you need to develop a mean, *kitten*, do it or die attitude to have progress?

the three attitudes listed above are not mutually exclusive. Yes, I do think you need a "do it or die" attitude to truly get tough and push yourself beyond what is comfortable for your body, but that doesn't make someone mean or as *kitten*. So I'm not sure what you're asking by that.

Skye_NS

Sounds like you need a change... this isn't the first time you complained about what happens there.

I think that's why I'm asking so many questions, because I don't want to start over if I'm just acting like a wuss. So I guess I'm guaging if this is a common thing or what not.

I really don't want to leave the place, but maybe I need to just buck up a bit.

I'm glad to hear that someone else can't do a normal pushup!! OY!!! I know I'm always so buried in what I'm doing when we are doing them, but one of these times I should probably look up and see if anyone else is. Or maybe not.

Just wish there was a magic book or instructional on when you should be doing what or "What to Expect when you are starting a new exercise program" LOL

Oh, don't worry, LOTS of people struggle with normal push ups! Before I sprained my wrist (in an unrelated accident), I was working on both incline push ups and pull ups with the goal of being able to do normal ones in the near future. When I started the incline push ups I was using a bar set at about chest level, now I'm down to a little lower than a coffee table... can't wait to get this sprain behind me and get back to it.

Keep doing your thing, you'll get there. Don't worry about anyone else & use this as a mantra: "Progress is progress no matter how small!" Good luck!

AglaeaC

Sounds like you need a change... this isn't the first time you complained about what happens there.

I think that's why I'm asking so many questions, because I don't want to start over if I'm just acting like a wuss. So I guess I'm guaging if this is a common thing or what not.

I really don't want to leave the place, but maybe I need to just buck up a bit.

I'm glad to hear that someone else can't do a normal pushup!! OY!!! I know I'm always so buried in what I'm doing when we are doing them, but one of these times I should probably look up and see if anyone else is. Or maybe not.

Just wish there was a magic book or instructional on when you should be doing what or "What to Expect when you are starting a new exercise program" LOL

I read a quote on Pinterest the other day, something about not comparing your start to someone else's middle, and I think it's quite suitable in your case.

deksgrl also had some really good points about asking yourself whether you enjoy it or dread the whole thing. Exercise should be fun on some level whilst also challenging us in various ways.

Jestinia

Poor things are probably just hungry. But if they don't straighten up, open a can of whoop *kitten* on them anyway.