i need to help her

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aliceofwonderland
aliceofwonderland Posts: 38
in Motivation and Support
I think my best friend is cutting her self. She has several mental disorders, including OCD, binge eating disorder, and bipolar disorder. She is constantly teased out school for being different. I'm really her only true friend. She has issues with her family, and shes depressed and anxious a lot. Now shes showing up to school with a few cuts on her legs and tons of band-aids on her arms. I want to help her, make her stop, but I don't know how. I can't lose her.

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  • butterfly25
    butterfly25 Posts: 186 Member
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    will your doing the right thing but looking for help..but i think you should sit down and talk to your mom or dad about this..she is very lucky to have a wonderful friend who is trying to help her...
  • danacriley
    danacriley Posts: 35
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    hi - i did that too when i was a teen. It was a way for me to deal with numbing effects of depression and a way for me to let out my frustration. But, ultimately i needed help. I wanted my mom to notice that I was hurting (on the inside) but she didn't. My aunt questioned me and I finally went home and handed my mom a phone book and asked her to call a counselor.

    Like the last poster said. Discuss with a trusted adult - mom, dad, aunt etc. I would try and urge the girl to do the same - talk to someone she can trust or that will make the move to get her help - even if it's just the school counselor.

    Don't stress out. You can't save her if she doesn't want help so if something was to happen please don't blame yourself. The adults in her life are the ones who are responsible for her, though I know how teens are good @ hiding things form parents :)

    Good luck to you both xoxo
  • tabbydog
    tabbydog Posts: 4,925 Member
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    I agree, talk to your parents. She may get mad at you, but in the long run it is the best thing. She needs help, and she won't ask for it herself. Sometimes doing the right thing is hard. ((Hugs)) Let us know how it turns out. :flowerforyou:
  • red01angel
    red01angel Posts: 806 Member
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    Is there a teacher or staff member at your school who you can talk to? If an employee of your school knows about a problem like that, they're obligated to address it; that way she'll get the help she needs, but you won't be caught in the middle.
  • NatalieWinning
    NatalieWinning Posts: 999 Member
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    The school nurse AND the school councelor AND the school psychologist if you have those. If not, then you need to go to your teacher and the principal. Those are the ones to tell for sure. They can find if there is a problem and work with the parents. This way you can stay out of it so you don't need to feel like you are "telling" on your friend. But you do need to tell. It's the right thing to do. As you already know! Those things she's doing is a cry for help, and she needs help. You will be a good friend to help.
  • servingthealiens
    servingthealiens Posts: 144 Member
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    This is going to sound cold, and I don't mean it to, but it's something I've learned by years of doing it the wrong way, and hurting myself in the process:

    You can't make her problems yours. It is your responsibility as a friend to get her to proper help. But that help is NOT you. That is not your responsibility, duty, and you don't have the resources she needs. Tell someone you think can help her. If it's not her parents, or you think that would do more harm than good, then tell another adult you trust, like your own parents, a counselor, a religious leader, or a teacher.

    And then be supportive of her. Be there when she wants to talk but TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You don't have to answer the phone at 2 AM and talk all night, every night. You CAN'T do that. It will only hurt you and stress you out. You can't think yourself a failure if you can't do anything to help her.

    This is her life and her choices. She needs to take care of herself. You need to take care of yourself. You're not neglecting her or abandoning her, you're making good choices for YOU. Don't fall into the codependency trap of caretaking someone else to the point that it hurts you.

    Trust me, I've been there. In a few friendships and romantic relationships, I was the answer to everyone's problems. It either failed and I felt like a worthless person, or when the other person moved on, there was no "me" left because I'd thrown my whole identity into them, their problems, and their lives.

    You can be there for her and care for her, but she needs YOU healthy. Two unhealthy people won't help the situation.
  • Sparklewolfie
    Sparklewolfie Posts: 271
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    If she is cutting on visible parts of her body (arms and legs) then it is probably a cry for help . That is actually good, because chances are she is not going to be cutting too deep and is not completely hiding it. In high school I knew people who cut as a cry for help. Echoing everybody else's suggestion to go to a counselor, trusted adult, encourage her to call teen support lines, etc.

    If she is starting to cut in "hidden" places (torso, feet, etc.) or cuts deep enough to make raised scars, go get help for her now, whether she wants it or not. That's not a cry for help, that's a serious problem. She may be angry with you, but stick with her so when she gets better you will still be there for her. Good luck!
  • canbecanbe
    canbecanbe Posts: 44
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    Be warned if it a problem with family that is causing this, by telling her parents you may make it worse if they treat her worse for the issues. A lot of families do
  • red01angel
    red01angel Posts: 806 Member
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    Be warned if it a problem with family that is causing this, by telling her parents you may make it worse if they treat her worse for the issues. A lot of families do

    Yeah, but if her parents don't know, then she DEFINITELY won't get the help she obviously needs.
  • NatalieWinning
    NatalieWinning Posts: 999 Member
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    Be warned if it a problem with family that is causing this, by telling her parents you may make it worse if they treat her worse for the issues. A lot of families do

    Yeah, but if her parents don't know, then she DEFINITELY won't get the help she obviously needs.

    This is why you tell someone at school that is legally responsible to report and deal with it. They can feel out the issues with the family and get the proper help. While having the girl on their radar they won't loose track of if she is getting help, or if more intervention with the family is needed. So she will get follow up.
  • pdxscarlett
    pdxscarlett Posts: 30 Member
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    This issue is very close to me. The best advice I can give you is to be a trusted friend first and foremost. W/o knowing the full situation I can't suggest you talk to her parents. This could make things worse and you may lose her trust. The school counselor may be the way to go. Let someone else/adult take the brunt of this and just stand by her. Counseling helps if you can get her to go willingly. The friends I have today are the ones who looked past my cutting and loved me for who I truly was. Have you had a real sit down talk with her? Many times a self injurer doesn't really know why they do it. If you can get her into a self analyst mode and help her come up with other ways to cope it may help. Many times this is the one thing they feel they have control of when their world is spinning out of control.

    Hit me up if you would like more info. I used to run a self injury support group and may be able to give better advice if I knew the whole situation. If it helps... people with SI are rarely suicidal.

    Best of luck
    Scarlett
  • pdxscarlett
    pdxscarlett Posts: 30 Member
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    This is going to sound cold, and I don't mean it to, but it's something I've learned by years of doing it the wrong way, and hurting myself in the process:

    You can't make her problems yours. It is your responsibility as a friend to get her to proper help. But that help is NOT you. That is not your responsibility, duty, and you don't have the resources she needs. Tell someone you think can help her. If it's not her parents, or you think that would do more harm than good, then tell another adult you trust, like your own parents, a counselor, a religious leader, or a teacher.

    And then be supportive of her. Be there when she wants to talk but TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You don't have to answer the phone at 2 AM and talk all night, every night. You CAN'T do that. It will only hurt you and stress you out. You can't think yourself a failure if you can't do anything to help her.

    This is her life and her choices. She needs to take care of herself. You need to take care of yourself. You're not neglecting her or abandoning her, you're making good choices for YOU. Don't fall into the codependency trap of caretaking someone else to the point that it hurts you.

    Trust me, I've been there. In a few friendships and romantic relationships, I was the answer to everyone's problems. It either failed and I felt like a worthless person, or when the other person moved on, there was no "me" left because I'd thrown my whole identity into them, their problems, and their lives.

    You can be there for her and care for her, but she needs YOU healthy. Two unhealthy people won't help the situation.

    very well said
  • danacriley
    danacriley Posts: 35
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    This issue is very close to me. The best advice I can give you is to be a trusted friend first and foremost. W/o knowing the full situation I can't suggest you talk to her parents. This could make things worse and you may lose her trust. The school counselor may be the way to go. Let someone else/adult take the brunt of this and just stand by her. Counseling helps if you can get her to go willingly. The friends I have today are the ones who looked past my cutting and loved me for who I truly was. Have you had a real sit down talk with her? Many times a self injurer doesn't really know why they do it. If you can get her into a self analyst mode and help her come up with other ways to cope it may help. Many times this is the one thing they feel they have control of when their world is spinning out of control.

    Hit me up if you would like more info. I used to run a self injury support group and may be able to give better advice if I knew the whole situation. If it helps... people with SI are rarely suicidal.

    Best of luck
    Scarlett




    That's a good point - i didn't know @ the time why i was doing it either. I just had a ton of overwhelming emotions that were confusing. went back and forth between feeling stressed and numb. I didn't know what to think.

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