Dating after weightloss

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Replies

  • Iwishyouwell
    Iwishyouwell Posts: 1,888 Member
    During dating? If you don't want to, no.

    But if things get serious? Absolutely, especially if you're even thinking about settling down.

    Look, the reality is that the overwhelming majority of people regain some, if not all, of our weight back. Those of us who don't will be on this maintainence journey for life. If you're spending your life with somebody then they will eventually become privy to your very real struggle, struggles and challenges that don't necessarily end because you reach some arbitrary weight goal. Being fat, especially if you were obese, affects not only your body, but your mind, your very relationship with food. Imagine if you met someone who was attracted to the "new" you, the thinner you, but as time went on old self esteem issues from being fat had a very real impact on your relationship, or god forbid, you regained the weight. They've now been asked to help walk a road with you that they didn't even know existed.

    Also it's VERY important for people to know the medical background of the person they might have kids with. Fat adults have a higher chance of birthing kids who struggle with weight too. Disclosing the fact that you were fat, IMO, isn't much different than disclosing the fact that you once fought cancer, or battled hypertension. Let people know what their own children could be facing some day, if it comes down to that.

    I understand the desire to marry yourself so thoroughly to the "new" you that you'd rather leave the past in the past. But issues with food, battles against obesity, these things are potentially life long issues. That's no different than a former drug addict, or former alcoholic (or if you're an AA believer, an always addict), not disclosing information to their partner about their struggles in the past. Even if you don't feel it's a part of who you are anymore, it is a vital part of who you became.
  • Madame_Goldbricker
    Madame_Goldbricker Posts: 1,625 Member
    I don't think I'd bring it up straight off the bat. As a few others have said I'd probably just drop it into conversation later on at some point. i.e. If he/you mentions working out. I'd probably just say something about where you'd started out from fitness/weight loss wise.

    It's good to be proud of accomplishments and it's not something that I'd purposely hide from someone personally. But I wouldn't make a big fan fare about it either.
  • fatcity66
    fatcity66 Posts: 1,544 Member
    I lost a lot of weight some years ago and was at my goal weight, I was a size 6 and a healthy BMI. I met someone and quickly fell head over heels for them. They were slightly overweight but I didn't care. In the past they had been even more overweight, but I didn't care about that, either. One day I asked him if he would still like me if I were bigger. He jokingly said "Oh, I would totally dump you if you gained 5 pounds." 5 pounds?!?! That was a red flag to me. Like he thought 5lbs was a big deal?? Sometimes people who are overweight themselves have even more trouble accepting someone who isn't "thin." I'd like to meet someone now, even though I'm still on my fitness journey, just so I would know they loved me no matter what. But unfortunately, I don't see it happening any time soon. I'm just not into anyone right now, even though some have shown interest. *sigh*
  • RINat612
    RINat612 Posts: 251 Member
    Listen, I understand that the past is the past. He IS dating the new you. But if you're ever going to take it to the next level, he needs to be happy with ALL of you. And let's face it, our fatter sides are inside of us somewhere. You need to let him know you used to be larger so he knows the potential is there. And also so you know he will love you no matter what. Marriages fail these days because people aren't honest with one another. I couldn't stand my wife not knowing every good and bad part of me. Besides he will one day see pictures. It would be better him knowing up front.

    Case in point, I met my wife when she was an accounting student in college. Super smart. And yes, very pretty! But she had a VERY dark past. She was once... *gasp*... an evil dirty sweaty jock! But she told me up front and I've forgiven her :tongue: This nerd and ex-jock lived happily ever after.
  • mrdexter1
    mrdexter1 Posts: 356 Member
    All successful relationships are based on communication, openness and honesty from the start, and it seems a bit off to be hiding something that has such significance while an unsuspecting partner is allowed to become emotionally involved and at a later date unable to break the bond.
  • denizfindigi
    denizfindigi Posts: 41
    the weight you lost shows how strong and strong willed you are and how far you are determined to be the best version of yourself - healthwise and mentally! tell him - not also tell but also BRAG :D
  • wannehunter85
    wannehunter85 Posts: 133
    No, it would never be something that I hide from a potential partner. Kind of curious as to how/when to bring it up. :D
  • fatcity66
    fatcity66 Posts: 1,544 Member
    I'm not sure this is something you're "hiding from someone" just because you were overweight once and you don't bring it up. Potentially, someone who has never been overweight could gain weight too, right? Like if they have kids, or get sick or injured? I don't think it should matter. Your partner should be prepared to accept you either way.
  • JoRocka
    JoRocka Posts: 17,525 Member
    I told the last guy I dated seriously that I had lost 40 lbs and I was really focused on my exercise and health. He kept trying to get me to skip workouts to spend time with him... and eat some crappy stuff.. .and said "you look great you don't need to worry about it.".

    I need to explain that this was BECAUSE of all the hard work I put in and I was not going to stop.

    He was a bit a manipulator and I arent together any more. But yeah.. I was honest about the weightloss when the time arose that Ineeded to say something.. But not just because!

    yeah it's been a big fear of mine that when I move in at some point with my BF there will be pressure to stop dancing- stop working out- I currently spend almost 20 hours a week between the gym and the studio- does not include shows and gig's- that's regular working life.

    He seems fine with it- but I do bring it up a few months that this is the way it is.

    Dance existed before you.
    The gym was my first love.

    While they aren't the be all end all- at no time will I give them fully for up for you. I'll work with you and around you and do my best- but I'm not just giving up working out at any point. I make time for it- plain and simple. You can deal with it- or you can get to stepping.

    Thankfully he apparently really likes me- because he's still here ;)

    so yes- establishing firm boundries on gym time- eating habits- and stuffff- SUPER importante!
  • ezloshead
    ezloshead Posts: 167 Member
    If he's as good as you think it shouldn't matter to him. He should be super proud of you and appreciate your journey. But if hes following you on FB he might figure it out himself through pictures. Even if you untagged and deleted old pics there's still some on your friends albums. The bigger you and the smaller you have the same soul so there no use in hiding it.
  • ritan7471
    ritan7471 Posts: 99 Member
    I wonder if he's thinking the same thing as you just now, OP! Perhaps he has lost weight.

    Sooner or later, if you are both into keeping fit and still enjoying food, I bet it will come up. Then I would just say, well, x years ago I lost a significant amount of weight, and staying healthy is very important to me.
  • wannehunter85
    wannehunter85 Posts: 133
    Yup I agree with all of these replies. :) I am sure it will work out exactly how it is meant to.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    Personally, just because I'm smaller now doesn't mean it's not a struggle every day... It's a big part of me, so I'd probably bring it up at some point (but I have loose skin, so it's hard to hide anyway). Even if it's just to make him aware that you're trying hard not to go back to your old habits.
  • seltzermint555
    seltzermint555 Posts: 10,740 Member
    During dating? If you don't want to, no.

    But if things get serious? Absolutely, especially if you're even thinking about settling down.

    Look, the reality is that the overwhelming majority of people regain some, if not all, of our weight back. Those of us who don't will be on this maintainence journey for life. If you're spending your life with somebody then they will eventually become privy to your very real struggle, struggles and challenges that don't necessarily end because you reach some arbitrary weight goal. Being fat, especially if you were obese, affects not only your body, but your mind, your very relationship with food. Imagine if you met someone who was attracted to the "new" you, the thinner you, but as time went on old self esteem issues from being fat had a very real impact on your relationship, or god forbid, you regained the weight. They've now been asked to help walk a road with you that they didn't even know existed.

    Also it's VERY important for people to know the medical background of the person they might have kids with. Fat adults have a higher chance of birthing kids who struggle with weight too. Disclosing the fact that you were fat, IMO, isn't much different than disclosing the fact that you once fought cancer, or battled hypertension. Let people know what their own children could be facing some day, if it comes down to that.

    I understand the desire to marry yourself so thoroughly to the "new" you that you'd rather leave the past in the past. But issues with food, battles against obesity, these things are potentially life long issues. That's no different than a former drug addict, or former alcoholic (or if you're an AA believer, an always addict), not disclosing information to their partner about their struggles in the past. Even if you don't feel it's a part of who you are anymore, it is a vital part of who you became.

    Well said!!

    I agree totally with this, especially for those of us who were obese or morbidly obese.

    I can see some people who were maybe 15-20 lb overweight and are now very thin/fit totally hiding their former weight and not ever bringing it up...but when it is a SERIOUS weight issue I think it would be a bit odd to hide it or dismiss it.

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