Do people really do this if they're cheating?

ShibaEars
ShibaEars Posts: 3,928 Member
in Chit-Chat
I was seeing a guy for a few months - I knew he had previously been cheated on, and had some trust issues because of this. They ended up being much worse than I thought because he accused me of cheating (I most definitely did not) and he broke up with me. He wouldn't discuss it with me and wouldn't tell me why he thought I cheated. It was all around very immature.

After talking about it with friends, more than one person suggested he may have been the one cheating. While I don't think this was the case here, they said sometimes when a person is cheating they will accuse the other person of cheating as a way to deflect... Do people really do this? I can't figure out the thinking behind this, as I think there would be plenty of other reasons to come up with to break up with someone.

Do you know anyone that's done this? Have you done this? (not going to judge, just trying to figure out the thought process)

Replies

  • bd0027
    bd0027 Posts: 1,053 Member
    My ex always accused me of seeing other men (which I never did) while he was the one getting some on the side. It was true in my situation but I don't think it necessarily always is.
  • Unknown
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  • Twisted_Wrister
    Twisted_Wrister Posts: 758 Member
    Whether he was or wasn't, it doesn't matter. He did you a favor by walking away.
  • vasairiah
    vasairiah Posts: 5,187 Member
    There’s a whole lot of psychology built into this question….

    People cheat for a variety of reasons such as…. ego/status, insecurity/unhappiness, peer pressure, sex addition… among many many other reasons …

    Most people that project their own actions or thoughts on others are doing it as a means of deflection, and manipulation. If you are too busy defending yourself, then you won’t look “behind the curtain” to see what the other person is doing..

    As unfortunate as it can be to be left, be happy he’s gone. You can move on with your life and find someone else who cherishes you. Respect and take care of YOURSELF first.
  • ShibaEars
    ShibaEars Posts: 3,928 Member


    Here's what matters. Your relationship with that person is over. Time to move on. Spending your time trying to figure out their motivations for whatever they did or thought is only going to make you nuts.

    Get on with the awesome job of being you, and never look back.

    Thanks :smile: I know it's over, I realize he has issues that only he can choose to deal with and whether he did cheat or not is irrelevant at this point. When more than one person mentioned it, it surprised me because I didn't realize that some people that cheat act this way.
  • MireyGal76
    MireyGal76 Posts: 7,334 Member
    it works for most accusations...

    It's a common statement... when pointing fingers, notice one points forward, but three point at you. Often the fault you see in others, is the same fault that is strongest in you.

    when my ex would accuse me of things, the things he accused me of were often things he was the most guilty of doing.... and it relates to any area of your life.

    he lied a lot, and therefore assumed that I did too. that sort of thing.
  • _Waffle_
    _Waffle_ Posts: 13,049 Member
    I was seeing a guy for a few months - I knew he had previously been cheated on, and had some trust issues because of this. They ended up being much worse than I thought because he accused me of cheating (I most definitely did not) and he broke up with me.

    Sounds to me like the issue worked itself out. Go celebrate with someone that cares about you and forget it.
  • Derpes
    Derpes Posts: 2,033 Member
    There’s a whole lot of psychology built into this question….

    People cheat for a variety of reasons such as…. ego/status, insecurity/unhappiness, peer pressure, sex addition… among many many other reasons …

    Most people that project their own actions or thoughts on others are doing it as a means of deflection, and manipulation. If you are too busy defending yourself, then you won’t look “behind the curtain” to see what the other person is doing..

    As unfortunate as it can be to be left, be happy he’s gone. You can move on with your life and find someone else who cherishes you. Respect and take care of YOURSELF first.

    ^this
  • rowlandsw
    rowlandsw Posts: 1,166 Member
    I agree with an above poster that you're better off without him. He's got issues either way that need dealt with.
  • fivethreeone
    fivethreeone Posts: 8,196 Member
    Yup, it happens.

    People tend to interpret the actions of others based on how they act.

    Jealous people think others are just jealous. Cheating people think others are just cheaters.
  • ItsCasey
    ItsCasey Posts: 4,021 Member
    He may not have been cheating on you, but he very obviously wanted out of the relationship and didn't have the balls to just tell you that, so he created a scenario by which he could dump you and act like it was your fault.
  • tiger4nikki
    tiger4nikki Posts: 112 Member
    Yes, people do that!
  • itodd4019
    itodd4019 Posts: 340 Member
    me and my sweetie do it about taking the last beer all the time. It's our game. I drink it, don;t put anymore in from the pantry, and I blame her! She does the same to me.

    waaaaaaa does that have to do with anything? not sure.

    But hey- if he was a jealous suspicious mate, your prolly better of with him gone!
  • hello_miffy
    hello_miffy Posts: 29 Member
    I think people project themselves on to other people a lot. My ex would always think I was cheating when he was, though I never gave him any reason to think it of me, never broke his trust. When we broke up, every time he started chatting to other girls, he would start to panic thinking I was doing the same. When we discussed it we realised every time he thought I was doing something was actually just when he was doing it, it was the last thing on my mind at the time.

    Probably not the same with everyone but we were very open and honest about it at the end because I prefer to look at things objectively and find the reasons for things.
  • ew_david
    ew_david Posts: 3,473 Member
    He may not have been cheating on you, but he very obviously wanted out of the relationship and didn't have the balls to just tell you that, so he created a scenario by which he could dump you and act like it was your fault.

    This

    He did you a favor.
  • devil_in_a_blue_dress
    devil_in_a_blue_dress Posts: 5,214 Member
    This was his easy way out, I wouldn't sweat it. You have to consider if he was previously cheated on in he first place or if that's a line he tells women to mask his rando relationship flouncing.

    Thinking he did you a massive favor.
  • Galatea_Stone
    Galatea_Stone Posts: 2,037 Member
    At this stage I don't think it matters. He ended things, you aren't getting back together, and you are free to find someone else with whom you're more compatible. Take it for what it is: the end of something that wasn't working.
  • wildrose53
    wildrose53 Posts: 1,342 Member
    Yes, sadly people do this. They find it easier to accuse you than admit their own guilt.
  • mccindy72
    mccindy72 Posts: 7,001 Member
    Most of the people I've known who were cheaters accused their SOs of cheating. The one who can't be trusted often doesn't trust the other person. It's hard to trust others when you know you can't be trusted.
  • PRMinx
    PRMinx Posts: 4,585 Member
    This was his easy way out, I wouldn't sweat it. You have to consider if he was previously cheated on in he first place or if that's a line he tells women to mask his rando relationship flouncing.

    Thinking he did you a massive favor.

    ^ Yup, this.

    People do strange things all the time and you will never understand their motivations. I spent the better part of a year looping in my head about my ex, why he cheated and why I didn't identify (or do anything) about the warning signs sooner. I've questioned everything he said, everything he did, what the women he was with had over me, what I did wrong, everything I said and so on, and so on.

    The mental gymnastics are exhausting.

    You will never know the whole truth as to why he broke up with you. Or said the things he said. Better to move on thankful that you have a chance to find someone better.
  • edisonsbulb
    edisonsbulb Posts: 93 Member
    Don't dwell on why. Keep it movin'.
    Let's go do some shots. I hear tequila aids in weight loss.
  • claudie08
    claudie08 Posts: 154 Member
    It's called turning the tables, flipping the script, deflecting.

    There are many terms for this, but basically, the man turn things around, blames or accuses the woman of the very act for which HE is guilty, thereby catching the woman off guard, causing HER to become defensive. As a result, she becomes so busy defending HERSELF to him that she forgets that HE is the guilty one.

    I've experienced this myself with my ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend. Some men (and women) are very good at this, so you've got be very careful how you handle the situation.
  • whitebalance
    whitebalance Posts: 1,654 Member
    It's called turning the tables, flipping the script, deflecting.

    There are many terms for this, but basically, the man turn things around, blames or accuses the woman of the very act for which HE is guilty, thereby catching the woman off guard, causing HER to become defensive. As a result, she becomes so busy defending HERSELF to him that she forgets that HE is the guilty one.

    I've experienced this myself with my ex-husband and an ex-boyfriend. Some men (and women) are very good at this, so you've got be very careful how you handle the situation.
    This. SO MUCH this. And sometimes the best thing you can do is let him "dump you" and move on... That way he's out of your life on his terms and less likely to come back around. If he DOES come back, that can be worse. Count yourself lucky, OP, and be glad that unlike him, YOU don't have to live every day with... well, him.

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