Sabatoging Myself Rant

MadelineGraceG

I'm having a battle with myself in my head. I have an unhealthy relationship with food, yes. But I never really took a step back and looked at what I do from a distance until this morning.

My husband hurt me. All husbands hurt their wives at some point or another in their marriage. But I realized this morning that the second he hurt me, I went into destructive mode. I began to eat everything in the house. I kept telling myself that if I was never going to be good enough for him, what's the point in trying? (He's not cheating. He just makes me feel really fat, ugly, and under-appreciated. And he's not really even doing it on purpose, he's just doesn't understand how what he does makes me feel.) Anyway, I started pacing in the kitchen looking for something to eat. I ate anything I could find. I must have looked like a maniac opening and closing the cabinets like I hadn't eaten for days. I even ate a Twinkie. I HATE Twinkies! But I grabbed it and ate it simply because it was there, and I knew it was loaded with calories and that it would ruin my day. That it would make me feel guilty (maybe for days) for eating something I didn't even like, to punish myself for something that wasn't even my fault.

I don't understand why I do that. I don't know why I feel the need to punish myself. Especially when I know he didn't mean to hurt me. I'm at a loss. Does anyone else have this problem?