Those with kids - did you always know you wanted them?

shining_light

I am getting married in just over a month(picked up the dress this morning after getting it altered - looks FABULOUS). There's a 12-year age gap between he and I. We had quite the heart-to-heart earlier about children. He's open to the idea of having more and is basically leaving it up to me(he has one, who is 5). He's a great kid to be sure, and my fiancé is a great dad. I don't particularly like children, I don't think babies are cute, and the whole idea of having someone I've never met call the shots on my body for 9 months is just plain freaky. That aside, though, I think 10, 15 years down the road. I have NO idea what life as a middle-aged woman or older without children even looks like. I don't want to regret not having kids, which is very possible and irreversible, but I also don't want to regret having them or having them feel like a burden.

My fiancé tells me he never wanted kids until he had his son(he didn't think his partner wanted the kid either and didn't expect her to want to keep him either as she already had two daughters). He openly admitted to people who asked that he was NOT excited that they were having a baby and that he was mostly terrified. So, with that in mind, I have the expectation that I will be the same and not want a child until it's already happened.

Bottom line, I'm more terrified of the unknown of not having children, even though I don't particularly want them at this point. Most women I know who want kids have wanted them from a young age. Just wanted to know if there are any moms who thought they KNEW they didn't want/like kids until they had them and changed their mind.

lisalsd1

Yes, when I was 21 I knew I wanted to have kids. I was dating my husband at the time (just not married).

21 is very young though, you have plenty of time to decide either way. You may feel differently a decade from now; maybe not.

I edited to add this: My husband never thought about having kids or necessarily wanted to have kids. When we started dating (when he was 21, and I was 20), he eventually just knew he would have kids, b/c I wanted to have kids. He still didn't WANT to have kids necessarily. We didn't have our first until I was 28, and he was 29. We were together 8 years at that time. I wouldn't worry too much about it now...like I said, you are still young.

shining_light

Yes, when I was 21 I knew I wanted to have kids. I was dating my husband at the time (just not married).

21 is very young though, you have plenty of time to decide either way. You may feel differently a decade from now; maybe not.

I may have plenty of time to decide, but he doesn't. And if I were to wait a decade to have children with him, then I'd be saddling twice as much of the work. He has made that very clear. I'm asking this question mostly because when I express my desire to NOT have children, women brush it off as, "Oh, you'll change your mind", yet they would NEVER say that to a man who says he doesn't want children. :huh:

TamTastic

I always knew I wanted to be a mother. If/when the urge hits you, be prepared...it is strong!! :laugh:

TamTastic

And it's not as uncommon these days for people to not want children. I think its a good thing really. Helps keep the population under control. Some of us want them. Some don't. To each their own. Plus so many don't want to bring kids into the world the way it is. I thought about that but it never stopped the urge to want to be a mother. And yes, pregnancy is an odd thing! Your body is alien for 9 months. Plus I had two c-sections. Being wide awake while cut open is surreal....but I wouldn't change it for the world. My boys make me laugh every single day.

EddieHaskell97

Yes, but I vaguely recall that a user on here is proud not to have any. I've been told she's very brief and to the point, never repeating herself. TonicWintergreen or something childless (by choice only, mind you!!!!)

I love my kids, and always wanted them. Sharing in their discoveries of the world has made me a happier person.

3dogsrunning

When my husband and I started dating we were both firmly in the "no kids" camp. Later it became a "maybe" but the whole idea terrified me. I couldn't imagine getting to the point of intentionally trying (i.e. no birth control.) Eventually we got to a point where we both decided we did want kids. At that point I was totally ready and comfortable with the decision - I was in my 30s at this point. I spent a lot of time before that going back and forth.

I think a lot of people insist you will change your mind because it happens to a lot of people. I'm not saying everyone who doesn't want kids will eventually want them, not at all. It used to drive me crazy too, but now I am one of those people who have proved their point.

I'm not sure why your time is limited with him or you waiting 10 years will saddle with twice the work though.

ew_david

You're young and even though he's 12 years older, he's still young too. Don't have a kid unless you really want one, not because you think you might regret it later in life. That's a piss poor reason to have a kid. Get yourself square first; get the career you want, the life you want, then decide if a child fits in there somewhere. It's okay if it doesn't, it's not okay to do it because you feel you should.

shining_light

I love my kids, and always wanted them. Sharing in their discoveries of the world has made me a happier person.

You know, it's funny. My dad always wanted kids. He loves my stepson like crazy. If we go anywhere with my parents, my dad just swoops in and wants to take on the world with the little guy. My mom, on the other hand, never wanted kids but kind of bowed to my dad's wishes and became a stay-at-home mom. Did she take good care of us? Absolutely. Would I say she was involved? Definitely(though I don't remember her ever actually playing with us at all). Regardless, I'm still sure she never wanted us. She is, however, a thoughtful and caring step-grandma. Still extremely stand-offish and doesn't play with my stepson, just like she didn't with us as kids, but she buys him little gifts all the time. I've have yet to hear of anyone who spent most of their life not wanting kids and then had hormones kick in at 30 or so, even though it supposedly happens all the time.

EddieHaskell97

You're young and even though he's 12 years older, he's still young too. Don't have a kid unless you really want one, not because you think you might regret it later in life. That's a piss poor reason to have a kid. Get yourself square first; get the career you want, the life you want, then decide if a child fits in there somewhere. It's okay if it doesn't, it's not okay to do it because you feel you should.

Perfect truth.

3dogsrunning

I love my kids, and always wanted them. Sharing in their discoveries of the world has made me a happier person.

You know, it's funny. My dad always wanted kids. He loves my stepson like crazy. If we go anywhere with my parents, my dad just swoops in and wants to take on the world with the little guy. My mom, on the other hand, never wanted kids but kind of bowed to my dad's wishes and became a stay-at-home mom. Did she take good care of us? Absolutely. Would I say she was involved? Definitely(though I don't remember her ever actually playing with us at all). Regardless, I'm still sure she never wanted us. She is, however, a thoughtful and caring step-grandma. Still extremely stand-offish and doesn't play with my stepson, just like she didn't with us as kids, but she buys him little gifts all the time. I've have yet to hear of anyone who spent most of their life not wanting kids and then had hormones kick in at 30 or so, even though it supposedly happens all the time.

Look up :bigsmile:
We were 32 when we decided we wanted kids. We have friends who were 40 and had firmly be "no children" and happy. They suddenly decided they wanted a child. They now wish they had sooner (again, not saying that is everyone, just mean that it happens).

shining_light

You're young and even though he's 12 years older, he's still young too. Don't have a kid unless you really want one, not because you think you might regret it later in life. That's a piss poor reason to have a kid. Get yourself square first; get the career you want, the life you want, then decide if a child fits in there somewhere. It's okay if it doesn't, it's not okay to do it because you feel you should.

Yeah, I have my life square, I would say. He has a great job, and I am a professional with a sole proprietorship who does contract work(I love my career and it pays really well). Can't say our life is missing anything to speak of(except a dog for me to have a running partner, but he's not bending on that one). Thanks for this response. Like I say, I never felt as though my mom wanted me, and I would never want my kid to feel as I did.

Swilla_Swole

My buddy put it best....I wanted the package but I didn't want the delivery person. :laugh: :laugh:

ew_david

You're young and even though he's 12 years older, he's still young too. Don't have a kid unless you really want one, not because you think you might regret it later in life. That's a piss poor reason to have a kid. Get yourself square first; get the career you want, the life you want, then decide if a child fits in there somewhere. It's okay if it doesn't, it's not okay to do it because you feel you should.

Yeah, I have my life square, I would say. He has a great job, and I am a professional with a sole proprietorship who does contract work(I love my career and it pays really well). Can't say our life is missing anything to speak of(except a dog for me to have a running partner, but he's not bending on that one). Thanks for this response. Like I say, I never felt as though my mom wanted me, and I would never want my kid to feel as I did.

Dogs are just like kids, except they never go to school and get out of your hair! Don't do it!

tlcarolinagirl

Awww, sweets. I never wanted kids, but I had a "little blessing" and he's the greatest thing to ever happen to me. He'll be 11 in a few weeks

ValerieMartini2Olives

I never ever wanted kids. I knew when I was like 5 years old that I never wanted kids. Everyone kept telling me to just wait a few years. Seriously, I never wanted kids. I never had any desire to be a mother. I always tried to be careful. But at 28 years old... whoops.
It was a devastating blow to me finding out I was pregnant. I was very upset and yes, I thought about an abortion. The more I thought about it though, I thought this might be the only time I have a baby. I decided to keep my baby. I heard the heartbeat and it was awesome. It didn't REALLY sink in until I saw the ultrasound and found out I was having a girl. It really was starting to get exciting.
Now my daughter is 14 months old and she is amazing. Beautiful, smart and funny. She is learning how to talk. I long to have a real conversation with her!
Even though my daughter is amazing, I DO NOT WANT ANY MORE KIDS! And I made damn sure that will not happen again. I wanted to have a natural birth and get the Mirena implant, but I wound up having a c-section and got my tubes removed. There was a small chance I could have another baby if I had an implant or something like that, but I had a surgery in January called a D&C with hysteroscopy and endometrial ablation. There is absolutely zero chance now that I can have another kid and I am so grateful for that.
I love my daughter more than anything. I would give my life for her. But no more kids for me and I would never have it any other way!

tycho_mx

Nope. I didn't always know. But I love my two kids like nothing in life.

Not to sound callous, but I'm highly adaptable. There's some people that are of the "without you I'm nothing" kind. If I lost my kids or my wife I'd be devastated. But I know damn well I'd get over it with enough time.

My wife and I discussed this. It is crucial for me to have clarity in the essential things in the relationship. Things like stay at home moms (no, I would much prefer my partner to be a professional), kids (I want one or two. Mine, not adopted), habitation (I'm ok if me or my partner can't live together for work for small periods, but no crazy uncertain absences e.g. army, diplomatic work, etc). No hard drug use, etc.

Note that I see nothing wrong with people that make other choices, simply I don't prefer those in my partner; I think the large separation rate stems from people overlooking or lying to themselves about things that are crucial for them in the partner. I am not into self deception, but I am into adult negotiation and compromise.

You're doing the right thing by asking yourself and your fiancee the hard questions.

paulawatkins1974

I have 4. three are grown and surprise...a new one for years ago. (I actually have a granddaughter older, and 2 grandsons close to his age.) Only my third was kinda planned. The first, I was a teen mum, and wasn't smart about birth control. second, I was on the pill & continued taking it well into my 4th month not knowing because I was having periods, and as I said was on the pill. (My mother used to say I'd get preggers looking at my guy lol) The third was kinda like if it happens it happens. My forth, well not being careful exactly but still a little shocked to have to call my daughter up who was pregnant and tell her so was I. So, even though surprises, I will say I love my kids dearly and wouldn't trade them for anything. I'll bet you would too. But... Having said all that, there's nothing "wrong" with a woman who doesn't want kids. People's perceptions seem to still be in the dark ages. Like our ultimate goal is marriage and children. I've heard people say to single women "Gotta man yet?" or ppl who've been married for a couple of years "Are you guys gonna try for a baby soon?" What's with "Yet?" is life not complete 'till you have a man? or have a child? I say if you don't want them, then don't have them for someone else. You're the one getting up at night not them. And, maybe you'll change your mind in a couple years. I know you said 10 years or whatever and he'll be too old, but a couple years shouldn't be so bad.

ravenribbs

I never wanted kids. I (stupidly) married a male who did. After 12 years of marriage, I got pregnant. I was NOT happy, and the husband had this doofy grin on his face when told of the pregnancy. Not only did I not want kids, I didn't want a boy, but said husband did. As you might conclude, I had a boy. I was 41 at the time. That was 12 years ago. The best thing I did for myself, and my son, was get rid of the husband and achieve the stability that my son and I needed and deserved. The main reason I never wanted kids was that I correctly assumed that kids would just be one more thing for ME to take care of. I was dead-on accurate. But I'm keeping my boy and he is the focal point of my life until he is off to college/military/whatever as a young adult. He is an awesome person.

At 21, I think it's crazy (my opinion) to be even thinking about marriage, let alone kids. 20 years older than you are now, I still wasn't ready, but knew it was my total responsibility to raise this child as best I could. I completely, utterly, unconditionally love my son and would not change where we are now. FWIW

aqualeo1

I am getting married in just over a month(picked up the dress this morning after getting it altered - looks FABULOUS). There's a 12-year age gap between he and I. We had quite the heart-to-heart earlier about children. He's open to the idea of having more and is basically leaving it up to me(he has one, who is 5). He's a great kid to be sure, and my fiancé is a great dad. I don't particularly like children, I don't think babies are cute, and the whole idea of having someone I've never met call the shots on my body for 9 months is just plain freaky. That aside, though, I think 10, 15 years down the road. I have NO idea what life as a middle-aged woman or older without children even looks like. I don't want to regret not having kids, which is very possible and irreversible, but I also don't want to regret having them or having them feel like a burden.

My fiancé tells me he never wanted kids until he had his son(he didn't think his partner wanted the kid either and didn't expect her to want to keep him either as she already had two daughters). He openly admitted to people who asked that he was NOT excited that they were having a baby and that he was mostly terrified. So, with that in mind, I have the expectation that I will be the same and not want a child until it's already happened.

Bottom line, I'm more terrified of the unknown of not having children, even though I don't particularly want them at this point. Most women I know who want kids have wanted them from a young age. Just wanted to know if there are any moms who thought they KNEW they didn't want/like kids until they had them and changed their mind.

Omg we're the same person. I'm 32 & still afraid to have kids & also afraid not to have kids! Never had that "oh I can't wait to have kids" thing going on but I kinda just assumed that I would. I don't know if it's really for me though.

sunshine4040

I always knew that I wanted babies, maybe not quite as many as I ended up with, but I honestly can't imagine life without any of them. Well, ok...maybe on those days when they have discovered the permanent markers, strewn clean laundry throughout the house after I folded and put it away, and fought like cats and dogs all day. Yep...but for the most part I can't imagine not having any of them in my life. With that being said, I never consciously set down and imagined how many kids I would have. It is a change, and a challenge, but, one of the most rewarding things in the world. You are young....give it some time...and see how you feel then.

salvationsdying

I have a 2yr old daughter. From the time I was probably 13 I had decided I NEVER EVER wanted kids. I was against it in any form. While I love holding new babies I also loved that I could give them back....

When I started showing signs of being pregnant I said I wasn't so many times I felt like a broken record. When we went to buy the test it was simply for me to prove I wasn't pregnant. But the moment I seen the 2 lines on the test I fell in love. My hand went right to my belly and I felt whole.

My daughter just turned 2 on the 4th. I thank god every day for her. Its hard, its tiring, you never have time alone. But soooo totaly worth it. I wouldn't trade her for the world.

CindyMarcuzAdams

I grew up never wanting kids. Then I met my hubby and couldnt wait to have a baby. I wanted one, got talked into two then oops three. Wouldnt change it for the world but still dont like kids...mine are grown now...that were not mine. Bring on the grandkids now...

EddieHaskell97

P.s. congrats on your wedding!

tiaresurfer

I'm 45 years old, no kids. (It wasn't a direct choice, so to speak, it just never happened for me.)

My advice is, ask yourself where you want to be and how you want to be living at 35? 40? 45? 50? Try meditating, be still, and pray on it, and let the answer come to you from within.

That will give you the answer. The fact that you are asking tells me you may be a little conflicted.

120by30

I always knew that I wanted babies, maybe not quite as many as I ended up with, but I honestly can't imagine life without any of them. Well, ok...maybe on those days when they have discovered the permanent markers, strewn clean laundry throughout the house after I folded and put it away, and fought like cats and dogs all day. Yep...but for the most part I can't imagine not having any of them in my life. With that being said, I never consciously set down and imagined how many kids I would have. It is a change, and a challenge, but, one of the most rewarding things in the world. You are young....give it some time...and see how you feel then.

Pretty much everything she said. Except my husband and I decided on 2 before we married and ended up with 4. Only one of them was a "whoops!" baby, though. I had my first child the day before I turned 21. I don't feel like. I have missed out on anything by having children early. But that's just me. People are different. Figure out what you want and stick to your guns.

tiaresurfer

P.S. Most of my friends did not want children, but it is easy to say when you are still young enough to have them. There was a spate of baby-making from mid-30s to late-30s, as my friends realized their choices were narrowing. Frankly, I would have been a much better mom at 34 than I ever would have been at 24.

I realized your fiance does not want children spread out, but there is nothing wrong with waiting a few years.

Plus, I've found that babies have a way of arriving on their own timeline, even with birth control. Not all of those pregnancies I've mentioned were planned!

BurntCoffee

When all my friends were planning to go to college and be this and be that all I could think about was wanting to have a family. Met my husband at 18, married 4 months later. Had trouble getting pregnant but 3 years later had our son and a year after that had our daughter. Married 20 years now.


I have a very very good friend who is 43 now with a 3 year old. She always just kind of said she "forgot" to have children. But she accidentally got pregnant when she was 38 and miscarried. It wasn't until that loss that she realized she wanted to have a child. Now she has a sweet and spoiled rotten baby girl wearing her butt out.

Get married. See how you feel. It's perfectly okay to not have children. My sister says she thinks she's too selfish to have kids. Now I know that kids just have a way of changing you for the better that way but I still think it's completely fine to not want them.

Good luck to you.

shining_light

I realized your fiance does not want children spread out, but there is nothing wrong with waiting a few years.

Nah, the children being spread out isn't the issue. We figure his son is old enough now that waiting a few years won't make any more of a difference, because they're not likely to have a close relationship like he has with his little brother or I have with my big sister(3 year age gap and 2 year age gap, respectively). His son also has two older half-sisters(12 and 14, I believe? Not my partner's kids). With that in mind, it doesn't make much sense NOT to wait other than he is concerned that he will be too old at 40 to handle a newborn and then the toddler stage, which puts more responsibility on me.

oregonzoo

Congrats!
I did not know.
first baby I held was my daughter.

I was terrified I didn't have mommy gene. Terrified I could not keep a baby alive.
Turns outi was wrong.

shining_light

Congrats!
I did not know.
first baby I held was my daughter.

I was terrified I didn't have mommy gene. Terrified I could not keep a baby alive.
Turns outi was wrong.

I know I can take care of a child. I've helped raise this one from 2-and-a-half to 5. It's just that I plain dislike children. Lol. I like to think I wouldn't dislike my own children, but sometimes I think I probably would(they'd be too much like me! Haha).