My boyfriend thinks I have a problem

lindseedenae

I am 4'11"-5'0" and currently weigh around 160. I stopped getting on the scale a wihle ago. I've been battling my weight most of my life.

Last year, I got down to 125, 10 pounds from my goal weight. I was still unhappy with what I saw. Then I met my current boyfriend at the gym. He made me believe I was pretty and slowly we stopped going. Now, I'm at my heaviest ever and some days it is hard for me to even brush my teeth because I hate looking at myself. I started cleaning out my closet yesterday and had to stop because I almost broke down looking at all the things that don't fit me anymore.

Looking back, I wish I had been happy with 125. I didn't realize how much worse it could get. My boyfriend says I'm crazy and that I'm still gorgeous, but I just don't see it. And I have no idea how he does.

I've been counting calories again for 2 weeks and have yet to stay under my calorie limit. I hate myself for it and then continue eating. It's a viscious, awful cycle that usually just ends up making me feel even worse.

Does anyone else have this problem? Is my only answer to go to a therpist? My boyfriend has suggested it a couple of times, but I don't think that that's really necessary. If I could just have more self control, it would get better. At least, that's what I tell myself.

Can anyone give me some advice?

ew_david

A therapist/counselor wouldn't hurt. It sounds like you have some issues with body image, no matter what your weight is.

JoRocka

1.) you're thread title and post do not make sense. You seemto be struggling- and it has nothing to do with your boyfriend.

2.) what is your calorie goal? most people set it to low realistically for long term loss. It does not need to be a large deficit in order succed- 200-400 calories under your maintenance goal is adequate.

3.) two weeks is nothing.. give it time.

4.) self discipline is a skill that takes time to develop- it will only get better as you use it and practice it.

5.) don't depend on him- do you're own thing- and focus on you- that will be the only way you will succeed.

6.) start going for a walk- it's helpful for your mind- and good for your body.

7.) if you can do the gym- do the gym- but it's not NEEDED- it just might help. It's a good option if you can go.
You can do it- but you need to believe that you can. It's hard and it seems overwhelming- but you can do it- you just need to commit to doing the thing long term. It will happen.

Desterknee

I think most people can benefit from therapy. You seem like a person who struggles with self love. Therapy can help that.

He sees your beauty because he loves you. You don't see it because you don't love yourself.


My advice is to start learning your value. What you bring to the world has little to do with your physical appearance. If you want to improve it, that's great! It will be a lot easier to improve it once you love it for what it is, not hate it for what it isn't. If you always focus on how much better it can be, you won't be happy no matter the state of your body.

You can start working on your body now, but the most important work will have to do with your relationship with yourself.

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/topics/show/1080242-a-guide-to-get-you-started-on-your-path-to-sexypants
^ start there for fitness advice.

A therapist, or good self help book can assist with the other stuff.

akh1981

A therapist/counselor wouldn't hurt. It sounds like you have some issues with body image, no matter what your weight is.

This^^.

Heliconia

I would say eat a lot less Carbs. Replace them with fats, especially healthy fats like avocados and olives. Caribs set up huge food cravings that are almost impossible to resist. Have a hard boiled egg for a snack. Or a can of sardines packed in olive oil.

You can do it! Good luck.

pattycakes80

"He made me believe I was pretty "

is what stuck out for me. you may wish to consider therapy as it appears you might have a very negative opinion of yourself.

i will say this for therapy - i started two years ago and dedicated myself to the work it entailed. currently i am extremely happy with myself and i find myself very beatiful despite the things i am working to change. it was a slow process, but very much worth it. i still have down days where i wonder about my self-worth, but those days are very few and far between.

you can lose all the weight in the world, have all the money in the world, date the most handsome dude in the world, but until you properly love and care for yourself, you will not enjoy a single minute of anything. give it a chance, or at least dedicate some time a day working on your self esteem. understand that is a priority - you are far too wonderful to go through life unaware of it.

Christizzzle

Therapy is never a bad idea.

ravenwcatz

I completely sympathize with the feelings you're having about your body image/weight. My boyfriend is VERY athletic (He plays basketball for an hour plus EVERY DAY.). I am a dancer and I run sporadically, but I've let myself gain 25 pounds in the last five years, and I'm not happy about it. I also have issues keeping myself within my calorie goals.

I'm not going to say "there's nothing to be done about this", but I really think you have to hit the right frame of mind in order to see progress within yourself. You have to work, and really WANT to work on being motivated enough to say "you know what, today wasn't the greatest, but tomorrow is going to be better." And not only thinking that way, but actively making the choice to MAKE tomorrow better.

I don't even know if I'm at that point yet myself, but I know I'm trying to put myself there. I believe that you can do it, if you want to. ^_^

DivineChoices

IMO, you DO need a therapist. It doesn't mean you are crazy or unbalanced or anything negative. It just means you need some help sorting out things that you are going through and feeling. I've ALWAYS been overweight and I struggled most of my life with loving myself. Some days I still wake up and feel repulsed by what is in the mirror. But I have to remind myself that I am who I am, and my weight is only a fraction of the bigger picture.

You sound like an emotional eater. Been there done that. For me, eating and fat were a way for me to hide. Hide from myself. Hide from others. And not have to look at the REAL problem. And to this day I am TERRIFIED that I won't like myself after I lose all this weight. Eating was a way for me to NOT deal with my emotions. So by seeing a therapist, and being able to address the emotional aspect of it, at least, you will gain control over your emotional eating.

In regards to ALWAYS going over your calorie goal - you can look at lowered the amount of weight you want to lose each week. You might have it set too high, and so your calories are bottomed out at 1200 (IDK what you cals are). and by reducing your weight loss per week, MFP will be able to "allow" for more calories in a day.

You can also look at WHAT you are eating and figure out why you're eating so much, and if it's not a lot of food, just calorie dense food, you can look at making easier changes like taking some veggies as a snack or some fruit, instead of chips or pretzels. You can also look at eating smaller portions, and see how your body reacts. Do you eat until you cannot eat any more? Or do you eat until you are no longer hungry? Sometimes it takes patience to listen to your body and determine when you're no longer hungry vs full.

jasonmh630

Coming from a guy's standpoint:

1.) If we can't see ourselves as attractive, then it's hard to believe that anyone else would too... Believe me, I've been there.

2.) Your boyfriend still believes you ARE beautiful... That tells me he's loving you for all the right reasons.

3.) A therapist/counselor could be a good thing. There may be some underlying psychological issues that are causing you to doubt yourself and doubt others that tell you something other than what you yourself believe.

mojohowitz

I suspect it is not healthy to look to other people or things for validation of your own worth. I would suggest a counselor or therapist. They will help you cultivate a healthy level of self-esteem if that is part of the problem. Until then, there will exist emotional voids that will not be filled by men, money, food or a "perfect" body.

Good luck.

Most weight loss happens between a person's ears.

neandermagnon

don't view seeing a therapist as something negative.... I've had some mental health issues in the past, quite serious ones, and therapy helped me so much, to the extent that I feel like I've been given my life back. Mental health issues, however major or minor, are like millstones around your neck, constantly dragging you down and blighting whatever you do.... in your case you couldn't see how good you looked at 125lb... you can't see how good you look now.... you can't enjoy looking good, you can't even look at yourself in the mirror in spite of your boyfriend telling you that he thinks you look gorgeous.... and yes I believe him not you about this i.e. you do look gorgeous, you just can't see it. Seriously... do you want to live like this for the rest of your life, or do you want someone to help you remove and smash up that millstone once and for all so you can get on with enjoying all aspects of your life, and actually start to see yourself as the beautiful person you are....

also, bear in mind that not all mental health problems can be treated with therapy, but low self-esteem, poor body image etc, can be, so don't see therapy as negative... it's not, it's a choice you have that not everyone has. My main advice would be to find a therapist who's qualified and experienced at dealing with these specific issues... pay if you have to or if your medical insurance (or the NHS if you're British) doesn't cover the costs, you get a better service that way, and you can be much more choosy about who you have as your therapist - don't be afraid to shop around and find someone that you feel really understands you and that you can work with. I had to pay for my therapy myself and trust me it was worth every penny and a whole lot more that can't be quantified in material terms.

Artionis

My fb feed had one of those "feel good" posts today. I don't often pass these along, but maybe this one will resonate with you. I hope so.

"A well-known speaker started off his seminar holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this."

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill. He then asked, "Who still wants it...?" Still the hands were up in the air. "Well," he replied, "What if I do this?" And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We may feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE.

You are special-Don't EVER forget it." If you do not pass this on, you may never know the lives it touches, the hurting hearts it speaks to, or the hope that it may bring. Count your blessings, not your problems."

gmelody66

hey girl its ok its just the beginning and ive never been able to look at myself and be happy with it never happened with me everrrr its a women thing we always want this perfect body *half the time we picture a body that we will never look like cuz of r build* and we we have to overcome that need to be perfect because we think were ulgy or never could be wanted because of it u sound like you have an amazing guy who truly cares about you which already shows your seen as a beautiful women feed off that use that to build yourself up but i will say for helping you stay under calories prep ur meals for the week portioned out and ready to go and if theres tempting stuff in the house throw it out it feels amazing after ur done ik im not much of a help :P but if preps hard it helps to find those meal planners all ready planed out u can find lots online for free and look at adding alil more work outs even if its a 20min walk take ur bf along and have some one on one

konerusp

In my opinion,looking good or weighing less for your boyfriend is a wrong attitude!If you want to weigh less and look good do it for yourself,irrespective of what your boyfriend thinks,every person should have their own personal goals for their health and body and others opinions shouldn't stop you from doing that!Lose weight for good health not for him!

You want to live a healthier lifestyle?go get to the gym workout,keep a small calorie deficit and watch the weight fall off.Body image issue-yes people have it,unless it is curbing your confidence to socialize and is keeping you indoors and depressed,a therapist wont be necessary,get stronger mentally,push yourself and set goals for your body and do the hardwork to get there,there is no workaround,end of the day the therapist wont help you lose weight! You are beautiful and gorgeous regardless of your weight,you should be glad he loves you for what you are and not judging you by looks.

TLContheGulfCoast

Is my only answer to go to a therpist? My boyfriend has suggested it a couple of times, but I don't think that that's really necessary. If I could just have more self control, it would get better. At least, that's what I tell myself.

First of all, big hugs, I understand how you feel, have felt that way many times too. There is a lot of good advice so far. Hear a consistent theme? :-)

Secondly, it might not be your only answer, but it might be your best answer. Individ. and group therapy with a LMHC helped me in the past and individ. therapy is helping me again, not even directly working on wt. issues. The stress-cortisol-weight gain cycle is real to me and powerful, so any impvt. I get in my mental health pays off in my physical health.

And even though I know and have experienced how beneficial exercise is to mental health, it takes constant reminders and prods to get and keep me moving. I have to read and re-read success stories to remind myself and to work up some motivation.

I found group thrapy to be less expensive, just as, if not more, helpful, and comforting to know I wasn't alone. If you are not ready for one on one with a therapist, consider finding a wt. loss support group that is based in HEALTHY practices ..you will know. You might find a therapist that way, from recc.s, or the leader might be one.

Don't dismiss medicine, if needed, to break the cycle of depression if you are experiencing that. Too often I think, people are afraid of the stigma and shun it. If you were deficient in vit. c you prob. wouldn't hesitate to take it, or if you were low in B 12, to add that. Well, some of our brains sometimes need things we are not able to manufacture in our bodies. Doesn 't necc. mean we will have to need it forever. Sometimes yes, a lot of times no. There are many, many kinds, and most can be low dose and short term.

Lastly, I have told myself lots of things over the years too. The end result was making my body sick. The sooner you can find and address the root of the problem, the sooner you can begin working on the life you really want and you and your boyfriend deserve. I wish you the best. Keep in touch. :-)

TLContheGulfCoast

neandermagnon,
lovely response. well said.

lindseedenae

First,

In my opinion,looking good or weighing less for your boyfriend is a wrong attitude!If you want to weigh less and look good do it for yourself,irrespective of what your boyfriend thinks,every person should have their own personal goals for their health and body and others opinions shouldn't stop you from doing that!
You want to live a healthier lifestyle?go get to the gym workout,keep a small calorie deficit and watch the weight fall off.Body image issue-yes people have it,unless it is curbing your confidence to socialize and is keeping you indoors and depressed,a therapist wont be necessary,get stronger mentally,push yourself and set goals for your body and do the hardwork to get there,there is not workaround,end of the day the therapist wont help you lose weight!

I do not want to lose weight for my boyfriend. He tells me that I don't need to lose weight if I don't want to. Yes, I want him to be proud of me. But he is nothing but supportive. The thing about my boyfriend thinking I have a problem is that he thinks I need to go to psychological counseling. Not that he thinks I need to lose weight. He thinks that my eating is a product of my psychological state.

Second, after typing that and reading your responses, I have been able to really admit to myself that I have a problem that I need help with. I'm not sure if I'll start with a counselor for now; I will be returning to college in the fall and they have free counselors on campus. In the mean time, however, I will begin by seeing if I can find any online forums like this one, but catered more toward self-esteem and over eating disorders.

If you would like another MFP friend, feel free to add me; I only have one friend, and would like to have a few more. Seeing your advances might help me along the way, also. Thank you to everyone who has posted and helped me begin this journey; I'm not sure I can ever voice my gratitude for you.

jmangini

First take a deep breath and relax. You can do anything you want. Sounds like you are an emotional eater. You are being too hard on yourself. Your happiness will most definitely affect your eating habits as we'll as throw your hormones out of whack causing extra fat storage. First and for most, you need to find some happiness and relaxation. If therapy is the only way to do this, then it will be well worth it. Until you find your happy place, dieting will be difficult because you will keep beating yourself up about going over your calories, which will just cause more stress and unhappiness. It's a vicious cycle and you need to break it now. You must be a beautiful and wonderful person to have a boyfriend who loves you so much. Now YOU NEED TO BELIEVE IT!