Negative body image

KatieKat1979

I don't normally post or create topics but I need other people's insights. I recently got out of a relationship that was fairly toxic. I met my ex at the weight I am now but never felt up to par because he was always talking about the "hot girls" he used to get with. Over the course of 3 years, I would try to diet and I was made fun of or guilted because I couldn't eat at a certain place or find healthy alternatives. He owned a restaurant and he would be offended when I told him he should consider putting more healthy options on the menu. Needless to say, I gained 25 lbs.

Well, the relationship has now since ended. He made sure to let me know that I "wasn't born to look like a bikini model" and that I am "the nicest, sweetest, and most giving person he ever met". Yeah whatever. He knew I struggled to lose weight. I have PCOS and plantar facistis. Working out the way I wanted to was always difficult and painful. But I tried to keep going and then I became depressed and gave up.

Since leaving I have lost 11 lbs on my own. I'm very happy and proud of how far I have come. I'm very determined to keep going. But... Whenever I look in the mirror I have awful thoughts about myself. I'm forever critiquing the shape of my face, the size of my thighs, and stomach. I try to find things I like about myself, but I always find that the negatives outweigh the positives. I would like to feel comfortable in my own skin. Someday I would like to date and meet someone but I fear that I will be scared of rejection due to the way I look.

Is this all in my head? Anyone else ever go thru a issue that is similar?

thepetiterunner

When you find the right person, they're not going to leave you because you're X number of pounds "over weight".

Self acceptance is so, SO hard. We're constantly inundated with images of these "perfect" women (read: photoshopped). Try focusing on the positive things about yourself - and I mean overall, not just the physical appearance. How strong are you? How funny are you? How smart are you? How caring and genuine are you? Are you a good, supportive friend/sister/mother/coworker/etc? Are you a good human being? These things matter a whole lot more than being a certain size.

It's hard not to pick yourself apart in the mirror, but understand that we ALL do it - even the women who look INCREDIBLY fit. I recently started following Neghar Fonooni and she had a great post the other day about accepting her body. I'll send you a copy of the post. We all have self doubt, the trick is not to let it eat you alive and rule your life.

laurie62ann

Chin up! Your headed in the right direction. Do you best to not let you mind focus on the bad! It's tough but it's a wonderful mindset to have.

When you met the right person they will love you for who you are not how you look. When I met my husband and I weighted 180. By the time we got married I was up to 190 ish! After having two babies I weighted 238 pounds. When my baby was 11 (yes 11 years old) I decided I want to lose weight. It took me a full year to get down to 170 and I have maintain for well over a year. My husband has literately loved me through THICK and THIN!!

Good Luck!!

SaraLily

Wow....this is so disturbing because I could have written that myself.
In fact, I just posted in this forum with the same questions as yours.

The only thing I would tell you is, you'd better off alone than with your ex. Someone who loves you would never treat you this way. Congratulations on your weight loss!

dopeysmelly

Self acceptance is so, SO hard. We're constantly inundated with images of these "perfect" women (read: photoshopped). Try focusing on the positive things about yourself - and I mean overall, not just the physical appearance. How strong are you? How funny are you? How smart are you? How caring and genuine are you? Are you a good, supportive friend/sister/mother/coworker/etc? Are you a good human being? These things matter a whole lot more than being a certain size.

I agree 100%. I don't have the negative self-images I used to, mainly because I am more aware of everything else I am as a person. Funnily enough being overweight for so many years actually pushed me to really appreciate the non-physical parts that make up a big part of me.

Some of my random "good things"...

I'm damned good at my job
(Even though I hate it) I can be incredibly efficient and organized
I have the weirdest accurate sense of direction
I make top-notch homemade bread
I can read any story to my daughter and make it come alive
Apparently I have a latent talent as an amateur garden designer
I can rustle up a great (and healthy) meal with whatever is in the fridge
Even though I'm not the social butterfly at work I am extremely good at building networks between other people
I can tell if someone else in a meeting is upset as soon as I walk in the room
I'm good at spotting and identifying wildlife in my backyard

TheVirgoddess

I can totally relate.

I agree with everyone else, keep doing what you're doing, and find things about yourself that are wonderful. Like your smile - in your avatar, you're very lovely. Focus on lifting yourself up every day in some way.

I taught my girls (7 and 9) about "thought monsters" - these are the voices in your head that tell you bad things - like "I can't do it" or "I'm not smart enough". They've learned how to beat their thought monsters (one uses karate and the other uses words to comfort the monster so he's kind instead of cruel). Perhaps something like that would work for you? It might sound silly, but when you think about it, we're giving that "monster" in our head power over us. The ability to make us feel "less".

Good luck to you. You have a lot to offer the world.

cebreisch

This is where I got my phrase, "All men are b@stards!" from.

It's hard to look in the mirror and build yourself back up after having been in a relationship like that. It just slays me that there are people like him who think that sort of stuff actually motivates people.

Time to build up your armor so that jerks like that can't affect you anymore. Know that you're taking steps in the right direction.

Keep telling yourself too: This is only temporary.
As long as you're working towards your goal, it is only temporary.

KseRz

This is where I got my phrase, "All men are b@stards!" from.

Well there, How YOU Doin?

Unknown

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jasonmh630

When you find the right person, they're not going to leave you because you're X number of pounds "over weight".

THIS^^^^...... So much THIS.

dammitjanet0161

I've just posted a similar thing on SaraLily's thread.

Yes it is just in your head. I have found in the past that when things have been going badly in my life (eg after a bad breakup, after my mum passed away, and when I was in a mega-stressful job that hated and felt trapped in), then I have felt much more critical and sad about the way I look. When things are going better, it doesn't cross my mind so much. You've just been through a bad relationship and his years of criticism and back handed compliments have made their mark, so it's understandble you're still raw from it all.

Try to focus on the positives: you're rid of him, you've taken charge and you're doing well on your own!

TheVirgoddess

When you find the right person, they're not going to leave you because you're X number of pounds "over weight".

THIS^^^^...... So much THIS.

While I agree with this, I think it's more important to learn how to love yourself before finding someone else to love you.

Anyone can destroy your self worth, not just partners (my Grandma is my destroyer). Healing is all about learning to accept and embrace who you are (inside and out).

KatieKat1979

Thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart. Your kind words, encouragement, and insights mean alot to me and I'm going to take them all in. I feel like I always settled before because I never felt good enough for a certain type of guy. When I met him, I was impressed by a lot of "smoke and mirrors" and his looks. I wanted to be like him because he is athletic and very driven about health. I thought it would be encouraging to me. Instead, it was the complete opposite. It turned out to be completely caustic instead.

I know time and a focus on making myself a healthy priority will be helpful. Also, knowing I have an amazing support group here really helps more than anything.