A monster lives inside me.
MadTownD
Posts: 149 Member
This post is extremely personal, but it is something that I really want to say. I'm not even sure if I should share it in such a public forum, but I think talking about it... putting it out there... may help in some way. Because, I don't know where he came from, but there's a monster who lives inside of me who doesn't want me to eat. Anything. Ever again.
When I was 16 years old, I was hospitalized for starving myself. I hadn't eaten more than 300 calories a day for 51 days and I passed out at school and they couldn't wake me up.
When I was 21 years old, I was hospitalized for starving myself. I hadn't eaten more than half a piece of fruit every day for 36 days.
When I was 32 years old, I was hospitalized for starving myself. I tried to lose weight, and after three months, I started restricting my calories. I would always eat 20 calories less than the day before. After three more months, I stopped reducing my calories, because I was happy with not eating more than 400 calories per day.
On January 1st of this year, I decided to start to lose weight again, so I didn't eat anything that day. On January 3rd, I found MFP, and it has helped me to keep eating. I see the number at the bottom of the page, and I know what I have been told by my doctor, my nutritionist and my therapist to eat. I know for some people, it's a challenge to log everything you eat. For me, it's a challenge to eat everything I log. But, I do.
I have been fighting this monster every single day of the last three or so months, save a "Free Day" here or there, because stuffing myself with 6,000 calories in one day seems to shut the monster up.
I am going to be 44 years old next Tuesday, and tonight I cried as I forced myself to eat 400 calories for dinner. But, I ate. I will end the day with a total of 2100+ calories, and a net between 1700 to 1800 calories. My nutritionist and my therapist would say that is not enough. But, that is the best I can do today.
It's the best I can do today.
When I was 16 years old, I was hospitalized for starving myself. I hadn't eaten more than 300 calories a day for 51 days and I passed out at school and they couldn't wake me up.
When I was 21 years old, I was hospitalized for starving myself. I hadn't eaten more than half a piece of fruit every day for 36 days.
When I was 32 years old, I was hospitalized for starving myself. I tried to lose weight, and after three months, I started restricting my calories. I would always eat 20 calories less than the day before. After three more months, I stopped reducing my calories, because I was happy with not eating more than 400 calories per day.
On January 1st of this year, I decided to start to lose weight again, so I didn't eat anything that day. On January 3rd, I found MFP, and it has helped me to keep eating. I see the number at the bottom of the page, and I know what I have been told by my doctor, my nutritionist and my therapist to eat. I know for some people, it's a challenge to log everything you eat. For me, it's a challenge to eat everything I log. But, I do.
I have been fighting this monster every single day of the last three or so months, save a "Free Day" here or there, because stuffing myself with 6,000 calories in one day seems to shut the monster up.
I am going to be 44 years old next Tuesday, and tonight I cried as I forced myself to eat 400 calories for dinner. But, I ate. I will end the day with a total of 2100+ calories, and a net between 1700 to 1800 calories. My nutritionist and my therapist would say that is not enough. But, that is the best I can do today.
It's the best I can do today.
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Replies
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I'm glad to hear you're fighting and eating, and that MFP is helping you. Just try not to let it become an obsession! Trying to control your weight when you have an eating disorder is a very, very dangerous game to play. You are a wonderful and amazing person no matter what your size. If you haven't, you should check out the website YourEatopia. There are a lot of really great, informative articles and posts there all backed by scientific research. You don't have to struggle with this for the rest of your life. I am so proud of you for eating what you could today!! You did your best and that's all that matters.0
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Beautiful of you to share this, thank you. It takes such courage and just know; even if you receive negative feedback there will be one person that this helps. That is all that matters. Stay strong and know that no matter what you are enough just as you are, here and now.0
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I am so proud of you for recognizing the issue and pushing yourself past what you know is there to do what needs to be done. You've been a great supportive of mine and for that I'm so grateful!0
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Wow. You've been through a lot. I'm glad you've been taking steps to get through this one day at a time, and I'm also glad you've found a medium to help you get through it.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey!0 -
Its one step at a time, one day at a time.. and sometimes its one hour at a time... weather its loosing weight or gaining it.
You are moving in the right direction!... and THAT my dear... is a damn victory!0 -
Don look at your ticker, you have this. I just wish we could send your 'monster" on a one way ticket out of your life. You are smart, funny brave and one of the nicest people I have met here. I adore that you are my friend supporting each day and my heart broke to read this, but it was so important for you to put it down. Print it out and destroy it every time you need to quiet the monster. This monster has no right in your life.
Hugs
Joanne0 -
It just goes to show, you never know what a person is going through or has gone through until they share. I am glad you shared. And it takes a lot to share this much of yourself to everyone in the forum. You are doing awesome. And you are an AWESOME friend. Thank you for this!!! :flowerforyou:0
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One day at a time
:flowerforyou:0 -
Wow! How brave of you to share that!!
I think you're awesome. Hugs!0 -
Don, you know how brave and inspiring I think you are already, and I know this took a lot of courage for you to put it out there. Please know that by fighting every day, you are not only helping yourself become a healthier and happier person, but you are also helping so many others out there who have not come to a point where they can put into words the pain they are feeling. I know it is hard, so very hard, in a way that others who don't know the same monster could never understand, be we are here for you if it ever gets bigger than you can handle. Love you. (hugs)0
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I think you did great today! Just keep logging and push yourself to meet that goal every day. Being able to visualize it here on MFP is a really big help for me. Your mind can play tricks on you and MFP helps keep it all in perspective. :flowerforyou:0
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I think it's terrific to also see your perspective of how MFP motivates you. I hope that each meal gets easier for you and that you find many ways to quiet that monster! Hugs!0
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Just keep logging. Some days will be harder than others, but you will find friends on this site to help you through!0
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you are choosing to live, not kill your body. You are at the other end of the spectrum that many of us do not understand, but hope the best for. Treat every day like a new one and everyday that you eat right in an accomplishment and a step closer to a healthy body.0
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Thank you for sharing your story. You have been to hell and hung around there for a while but you are on your way back with a steady climb.
My problem is the opposite of yours but our support system is the same.
Continue to log your food and talk to your friends. We are here for you.
Cindy0 -
Thanks for sharing this
I have a monster inside me too.
When I was 12 I started starving myself, eating around 300 calories a day and exercising too much.
At 14 I became bulimic and have been for six years.
I started getting help in September and I feel like MFP also helps, like you said, for tracking and seeing the calories and seeing stuff laid out.
I'm here for you.
It's nice to know I'm not alone
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It is very brave of you to share this and I'm glad that you recognize this monster inside of you. It sounds like it could be empowering for you to think of yourself as some kind of warrior battling this epic beast and feeling like it may win, but never giving up the fight. You can do this! Great job keeping at it.
I hope that many people with eating disorders come across this thread and find something in your words that can help them in their own battle.
Thank you for posting this.0 -
Wow. What a revelation! It's amazing that you shared this and you're fighting really hard for yourself. I applaud you! Show that monster who's boss!!! Progress, no matter how small, is still progress. Baby steps! One day at a time. You can do this!!:flowerforyou:0
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One day at a time. :flowerforyou:0
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Don, you are an amazing man that inspires me daily and makes me laugh all the time! Thank you for sharing this and you can do this one choice at a time, you will win this battle and beat this monster. I have some cupcakes with your name on them and the guest room is yours! :flowerforyou:0
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Thank you, everyone, for you kind words. 0
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I've heard that talking about it is a good healthy step toward healing. Props to you for putting this out there, it must have been very difficult. I think we all struggle with the balance a little bit--or at least, I know I do. I hope you can take comfort in the success you've already had (71 lb, WOW!). You're a rockstar. Keep doing this the healthy way and it will so pay off. Rooting for you! 0
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Keep fighting. :flowerforyou:0
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This makes me think of the Eminem song "I'm friends with Monster under my bed" I think we all have those monsters and it's so nice to have a community full of supportive people and people who are brave enough to share their stories, both good and bad.
One day, One Meal at a time and try not to think about the next one until you have to, don't go borrowing the stress. Keep smiling and know that everyone of us that has read your story has been encourages and we're all rooting for you and we're here to read/listen.0
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