Feeling like a lost soul

mooncath

I have previously been diagnosed with depression, and got treatment for it/consider myself recovered.

Ugh. Some days I still feel like I'm struggling with depression. However, now my feelings are not suicidal but are of shame in regards to food.

Here's the thing. I started on this website only to lose a few pounds (8 pounds to be exact) that I had gained while on my antidepressants. Also, I made really bad choices during the summer, involving way too much pizza, which, incidentally, I can't eat anymore because my body decided to become allergic to dairy. Even though I'm short, the 8 pounds didn't look too much worse, now that I really look at it. Sure, my jeans were a bit snugger and my face a bit rounder, but it wasn't that noticeable. At least I think so.

I've lost all of the eight pounds, and possibly a bit more. I'm not sure. At last weighing, over two months ago, I'd lost 8.5 pounds. The reason I think I've lost more is by how baggy my clothes are. I haven't really been comfortable with my clothes to begin with. My mom wanted me to buy clothes in sizes that were slightly too big for me because "you'll definitely gain weight" which is not a pleasant thing to hear as a young woman.

I've been meaning to switch over to maintenance for the past two months, but it's never happened. Instead, I've become even more strict with my calories and workouts and I don't think I'm enjoying life. I used to tell myself that it was to save up for when I went out with friends, but ever since I've started calorie counting, I haven't gone over my weight loss calories even when I indulge.

I'm still at a major deficit, which I know is too low, but somehow I keep getting fixated on the numbers. It's like OCD with food. And I don't know what to do about it. When I get back to college, I'll be able to get help but that's not happening for another three months. I've considering stopping logging because by now I've been able to guesstimate pretty accurately without a scale. However, I have been worried that I'll gain weight again that way.

I know this is an Internet forum and I shouldn't expect much, but I just thought I'd try. This is pretty long-winded and jumbled, so thanks a bunch if you've decided to stick around.

oChristyo

I know what you mean about being OCD with the calories. I nearly have a panic attack if I eat over 800 calories a day. If it goes over I feel the need to exercise. I know I'm not heading down a good path. I have lost a lot of weight in a very short period of time. It is all I think about. Definitely an obsession. You're not alone.

Lonestar5775

It helps to realize you need to eat 3,500 calories OVER your daily goal to even gain 1 pound of weight.

Having said that I too found once I began maintaining I ran steadily under goal because of the stinking RED NUMBER.

Finally, I increased my calorie goal manually by 200 calories. That gives me some margin for error while keeping me closer to my goal without going over. Just an idea I thought I would share.

kadsmaller

Great idea!

mooncath

For me, it isn't just the red numbers that's got me down. It's the numbers itself. I've been trying to increase by "just 100" but once I do, I revert back after one day because I can't deal with the increase in number.

BurntCoffee

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this mind game we play with ourselves. I don't know what to say that would help because I struggle too. I get calorie phobia.

I get it. I'm sorry though.

SKME2013

Forgive me for saying this, but it sounds as if you are on your way to develop an eating disorder...just to explain: it is 3500 calories over your TDEE per WEEK to gain one pound. In other words: if you eat more than 500 cal each day over your TDEE then you will gain one pound per week.

Back to the topic though...you need to ask yourself, what is your goal? Is it to become super skinny or is it to become healthy? If it is as I hope that you want to stay healthy, then perhaps change your obsession away from the number of calories to making good and healthy eating choices. Look at the micro nutrients of your diet. Add some chia and flax seeds, not are they only very healthy but they contain some calories.

Go and do exercise and make it clear in your brain that for gaining muscle and for re composing your body you NEED to bulk! You can not gain muscle and lose weight at the same time. If you want a healthy looking body, exercise plays a vital role and so does your diet.

Try and increase your calorie intake while increasing your exercised regime. From my own experience I can say that since having nearly reached my goal weight, the decomposition of my body plays a much greater role now than staying within my calorie limit.

I wish you the best of luck and if you can not change your obsession from calorie counting I would highly suggest to see a therapist.

Stef.

SLLRunner

Why can't you get help now? Ask your doctor for a referral for treatment for eating disorders. This is not something you should wait on.

As for the pizza, I'm lactose intolerant as well, and I have pizza without cheese. Any pizza place will accommodate you. In fact, at home I've even made pizza without cheese.

mooncath

My goal right now is just to be healthy. I'm trying not to be obsessed with calories, but it's really hard. There's another problem. When I'm at home (as I am now) I can't prepare my own meals. I'm left with estimating what I've been served based on what I witnessed when I was being taught how to cook.

Chia and flax seeds are too expensive for my budget. I'm not lactose intolerant, but actually allergic to dairy. I don't miss pizza though. Supposedly "healthy fats" make me break out like crazy or else give me heartburn. (These are things like tree nuts, peanut butter, and avocado to name some).

I cannot get help right now because that would mean I need permission from my parents because of a weird situation involving insurance. If I told them something was wrong with me again, they would flip out. Once was enough for them.

Sorry. I just realized what I wrote was kind of harsh. I did not mean to come across that way.

Joseph236

I am facing the same eating disorder i am not finding any help
I am obsessed with calories as well.I am really fond of cheese and due to use of such fattening food items i am gaining weight!

arabianhorselover

I know what you mean about being OCD with the calories. I nearly have a panic attack if I eat over 800 calories a day. If it goes over I feel the need to exercise. I know I'm not heading down a good path. I have lost a lot of weight in a very short period of time. It is all I think about. Definitely an obsession. You're not alone.

No. You are not heading down a good path. Please get help right away.

CJ_Holmes

Did you go off the antidepressants, or are you still on them? Depression and anxiety rarely just resolve simply, and many people go through rounds of struggles for years or throughout their lives.

Even if you feel recovered from the symptoms you associated with depression, your mental state does not sound balanced, and you need to talk to a professional. Your thoughts and behaviors are not creating health. Your fear of your parents "flipping out" is a understandable- it's normal to try to avoid or conceal health issues for fear of being a burden, etc., but your parents would never want you to spiral downward to avoid inconveniencing them.

The guilt, shame, and obsession you are feeling are common, but not normal or healthy, and you need help. It’s okay to need help.

nxd10

Depression is chronic illness with waves. It comes and goes. See your therapist again. Shame is just another aspect of depression.