Really bored.

Charlie001

Does anyone know of good jokes?

♥Faerie♥

:yawn:

Charlie001

Exactly:grumble:

gambitsgurl

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/hambitsgirl

sim247

I was walking along the street when a guy attacked me with a lump of cheese and a carton of milk & I thought to myself how dairy........

sim247

Why do the Teletubbies go to the toilet together? Because they only have one Tinky Winky between them....

chrissyh

What do you call it when a ghost gets hurt????????












........a BOO BOO!

binary_jester

So this seal walks into a club...

AwMyLoLo

A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.



:huh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

TK266

A string walk into a bar, the bartender say " hey get out, we do serve your kind". The string goes out side, rolls around on the ground, gets all tangled up and heads back into the bar.

The bartender barks, "Aren't you that string I just threw out of here"

And the string replys "frayed knot."

ginnyroxx

what did the gangster stay when his house fell on top of him?















get off me homes!

ginnyroxx

2 nuns walk into a bar

bonk bonk

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mommared53

Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?

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Because then they would be baygulls.

PJilly

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels, and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over, he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos, and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night, I met my lover at his office, and I was wearing a raincoat and under it the black bra, heels, and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we made love all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home, I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos, and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me, he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

chrissyh

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

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Charlie001

New morning, fresh jokes.

Rugbychick16

what did the gangster stay when his house fell on top of him?















get off me homes!

aaaahahahahahahah!

binary_jester

This is old...and it still makes me giggle uncontrollably.

Texas Chili Contest

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(Frank Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 --! A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!


Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne ! peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...

Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, a! nd garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced ! chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?"

Judge # 3 -- Oh God.........

ginnyroxx

This is Binary's link but it's funny!!!!

http://blogs.catster.com/the-cats-meow-a-cat-and-kitten-blog/lost-cat-email-exchange-an-exercise-in-malicious-compliance/2010/06/24/