The Comedy Club!!! Come on in y'all and have a laugh!!!

Wiitabax

"What the HELL kind of accent you trying to do there boy?"

Ahem... I have no idea... I'm a Northern English guy... accent? Hmm... take a touch of "An American Werewolf In London" ("Keep off t' Moors)... add a dash of "Wallace & Gromit" ("Crackin' toast laaad"), and stir in some "Coronation Street (plotless drivel lol) and yer nearly there as to how I sound... but anyhow - I digress.

I'm fat. Or "dimensionall challenged", or "successfully beating anorexia since birth" etc. etc. I like having a laugh too - I KNOW that weight issues are serious or I wouldn't be here... but this is to let you know, I'm NO going to be making fun of ANYONE re: their weight... I joke about mine, but that's how I deal with it - it would be rude to poke fun at others!!!

Anyhow - serious cr*p out the way... I decided that as a comedy fan and person who's done stand up stuff/impressions/spoof vids, I'd set up a 'Comedy Club' here to share jokes, funny stories etc. etc. - please feel free to join in - I've heard all my material lol, I need to hear someone else's!


:laugh:

By the way... I made my wife "Oasis Soup" yesterday (you know... named after the Brit. group) with a breadroll and butter.

"Hey" she asked afterwards, "why's it called 'Oasis Soup'?"

"Well..." I began with one of the most TERRIBLE punchlines ever...

"You
Gotta
Roll
With
It"


:laugh:

Wiitabax

Right... before I take my two belovéd doggies out for a walkies... ponder this:


Will Lady Gaga shock everyone on Halloween by going out dressed "Normal"?

That'd be reall spooky!!!


:laugh:

Aid_B

FOR SALE: Deceased Budgie

Not going Cheap ! :bigsmile:

sandara

FOR SALE: Deceased Budgie

Not going Cheap ! :bigsmile:

That's so bad . . . but couldn't help laughing!

arewethereyet

I had a hard time finding a partner to sing with me for Kareoke night

Turned out OK, I ended up buying a duet-your-self kit

Wiitabax

FOR SALE: Deceased Budgie

Not going Cheap ! :bigsmile:

:laugh: I like it!!!

By the way... my budgie was ill - took him to the vets for tweatment!


Turns out he was constipated... so they gave him Chirrup of Figs!

:laugh:

Wiitabax

I had a hard time finding a partner to sing with me for Kareoke night

Turned out OK, I ended up buying a duet-your-self kit

:laugh: that is terrible!!!

Who is this 'Gary Oakey' fellow anyhoo?

I have an Indian friend who's great at Karaoké - his name?

Gerruptah Singh!


:laugh:

Aid_B

Ok last bad budgie joke !

3 Budgies in a cage, each one has its own perch,

1 sits at the bottom, 1 sits at the middle, 1 sits at the top

Which one owns his own seat ??????

.

The one at the bottom, the other 2 are on Higher Perches :laugh:

Aid_B

I have an Indian friend who's great at Karaoké - his name?

Gerruptah Singh!

:laugh:

His brother is a Elvis impersonator

Hamal Shookup !

Wiitabax

I have an Indian friend who's great at Karaoké - his name?

Gerruptah Singh!

:laugh:

His brother is a Elvis impersonator

Hamal Shookup !

:laugh: that's even worse than mine - I didn't think that possible!!!

Here... I'll tell you when you KNOW yer 'too fat' - it's when you look everywhere for jeans, and end up having to get 'Tesco Value' jeans because there's none to be had in 'size fatty wi' short legs'.

Jesus - I reckon that they got the measurements off a hippopotamus which is NOT flattering... hey, for ME not the hippo ye cheeks sods!!!

And that little tale there is actually TRUE - still, it means I got some cheap clothes to replace the ubiquitous jogging bottoms though eh?

:laugh:

Chenoachem

I'm tagging for later.

ginnyroxx

:laugh:
you guys are too much. thanks for the laughs this morning :drinker:

Sheepdoglady

OMG! U just crack me up !

Two nuns in a bath . . .

Wiitabax

So I said to the doctor... "I keep thinking I'm a pig!"

"How long's this been going on for?" he asked...

"Oh," I replied... "about a WHHEEEEEEEEEK!"

And I told him about my hallucinations... that I kept seeing a cockroach that was being abusive to me... he said he thought it was just a nasty bug that was going around...

But I told him "Yes... but I keep seeing Mickey... and Donald... and Pluto..."

But he reassured me - said it was just Disney spells!

:laugh:

Sheepdoglady

Sounds a bit like when I went to my Geordie doctor and told him I keep feeling like a coconut chocolate bar, and he replied,
"Why I, ya bounty!"

Wiitabax

Sounds a bit like when I went to my Geordie doctor and told him I keep feeling like a coconut chocolate bar, and he replied,
"Why I, ya bounty!"

"Please Miss - can I have permission to gol"?


* Groan Out Loud


:laugh:

Aid_B

Sounds a bit like when I went to my Geordie doctor and told him I keep feeling like a coconut chocolate bar, and he replied,
"Why I, ya bounty!"

now that one i like :laugh:

Sheepdoglady

Knew you would!

Wiitabax

What was Jack The Ripper's dog called?





Jack

The

Russell

:laugh

arewethereyet

I am a claims adjuster so we are always throwing around lawyer jokes. They make is SO easy.


You know you need a new lawyer when he tells you the last good case he tried was Budweiser.



:blushing:

Wiitabax

I am a claims adjuster so we are always throwing around lawyer jokes. They make is SO easy.


You know you need a new lawyer when he tells you the last good case he tried was Budweiser.



:blushing:

:laugh: excellent!!!

I'm a Nurse, so you can imagine I know a lot of silly medical jokes... I'll think of some and post later lol!

:laugh:

arewethereyet

I am a claims adjuster so we are always throwing around lawyer jokes. They make is SO easy.


You know you need a new lawyer when he tells you the last good case he tried was Budweiser.



:blushing:

:laugh: excellent!!!

I'm a Nurse, so you can imagine I know a lot of silly medical jokes... I'll think of some and post later lol!

:laugh:

I LIVED one of those jokes!

Remember the joke:

Doctor Sims has come to see one of her patients in St Mary's Hospital, Copnor, Portsmouth. Louise, the patient has had major surgery to both of her hands.

'Doctor,' says Louise excitedly and dramatically holds up her heavily bandaged hands. 'Will I be able to play the piano when these bandages come off?'

'I don't see why not,' answers Doctor Sims.

'That's strange,' says Louise. 'I wasn't able to play it before.'



Well I recently had heart surgery. The Cardiologist is the greatest guy in the world. Fun, personable and cute too!

I had told him prior to sx that I was pissed because I was the 'healthy' one in the family. Had dropped 40 pounds, exercised everyday, didn't smoke...........and here I am on the operating table!
(all kidding aside, he said this is WHY they could do it NOW instead of later!! )

So I come out of surgery, my 3 grown children by my side......27 yr old and 24 yr old son's, 23 yr old daughter......husband.......all looking lovingly at me as I come out of the anesthesia............

Doc comes in and announces NOW SHE CAN RUN!!!

To which the kids all reply ":noway: GREAT cuz she couldn't run before the surgery!!" oh and " WOW this truly IS a miracle!!"

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

Wiitabax

Doc comes in and announces NOW SHE CAN RUN!!!

To which the kids all reply ":noway: GREAT cuz she couldn't run before the surgery!!" oh and " WOW this truly IS a miracle!!"

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

:laugh: love that one!!!

I went to my doctor... "Not seen you for ages" he said - "Sorry," I replied, "I've been ill!"

And the prostitute who was ill - the doctor advised her to stay out of bed for a few days!

:laugh:

Hey... I was hungry earlier by the way... so it was a pizza I ordered.

"Do you want it cutting into six or twelve pieces?" said the guy on the 'phone.

"Better make it six" I said "there's no way I could eat twelves slices!!!"

:laugh:

arewethereyet

Doc comes in and announces NOW SHE CAN RUN!!!

To which the kids all reply ":noway: GREAT cuz she couldn't run before the surgery!!" oh and " WOW this truly IS a miracle!!"

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree

:laugh: love that one!!!

I went to my doctor... "Not seen you for ages" he said - "Sorry," I replied, "I've been ill!"

And the prostitute who was ill - the doctor advised her to stay out of bed for a few days!

:laugh:

Hey... I was hungry earlier by the way... so it was a pizza I ordered.

"Do you want it cutting into six or twelve pieces?" said the guy on the 'phone.

"Better make it six" I said "there's no way I could eat twelves slices!!!"

:laugh:

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Wiitabax

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?


He worked it out with a pencil!


:laugh: