Not giving a wedding gift??
Replies
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Yikes how tacky. Ew. FYI You do not have to give them something from their registry, or even cash if they choose not to register. You cannot, however, give them NOTHING for their wedding. Either don't go, or give them a gift.
People tend to remember what was given to them for their wedding, and also what was NOT given. If you want to maintain this friendship for a long time then I would suggest this:
First ask them about the debt - something like "hey remember you owe we $250 - how about we make that your wedding gift!"
Then, at the wedding give them something small and thoughtful. These are your friends who are starting a life together, and that is SO special. Think of something that you really love - a crock pot, personalized towels, wine decanter something that is not very expensive but is cute and nice. You can do a lot of this for $30 ish - head to HomeGoods and shop your little heart out.
This way you set expectations low - "we are forgiving a debt" and then delivering high "we gave you a small gift instead of just forgiving debt!"
Again - these are your friends. This is not a time to settle an old score. Yes they are being tacky, but don't let that make you tacky in return.
You very rarely will regret being generous and kind.
This is really great advice. A very classy approach.0 -
To be honest I am attending one of my best friend's wedding in November. I am flying across the country to be there, and will be a groomsman in the bridal party.
My gift is my presence in this instance. I'm already shelling out a small fortune to fly there and spend time with them, away from my wife and daughter during that time.
I may get them something small, but most likely just a card and my physical presence.
They are both good people and fully understand what a task it is for me to attend already, and the only reason I can is because they have given me enough notice to budget the time off work and the money to afford the trip...plus I will be staying in a hotel, have a rental car, and be paying for my food, etc while I am there.
If they got upset that I didn't bring them something, it would be aggravating to say the least...but I'm not even slightly worried about that - I get to see my friend and his family for the first time in more than 2 years...it will be a great time.0 -
How close of a friend are these people?? In general - just a card is a bad idea. If you cannot afford a gift then you cannot afford to attend the wedding. It really depends on the friends, though, and what the wedding is going to be like.
I know when I first started going to friend's weddings it was a real challenge to understand all the rules/etiquette. I have learned that standard gift for a reasonable wedding is $100/couple minimum, and for a nicer wedding $200/couple. You want to pay for your plate and then give them a little something extra.
I'm sorry- I am not trying to be mean at all, and I understand cash is tight right now... but they are spending a LOT of money to throw a wedding and you should give them a gift that not only celebrates their special day, but also helps them start their life together as a married couple.
If you cannot afford a gift, then perhaps your boyfriend can?
Agreed, the debt is not something that you need to worry about or mention - ESPECIALLY on the wedding day. I was thinking of before, but the time may have passed as I'm sure they are stressing the closer the wedding gets. I just thought that you had mentioned it as an idea for a gift because your funds are tight, not as a reason to not give something.
Here's a thread that could have some good ideas and advice:
https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=1006040406506
In regards to the bolded part, I hate this type of thinking. I understand it's nice for people to give cash at a wedding but at what point did it become an expectation? The wedding is only as expensive as the couple allow it to be and it's completely tacky to assume and/or expect attendees to pay $100 per plate so it covers the costs.
It's nice if people do give money but weddings shouldn't be about making money. I agree with the other person to give them a tacky toaster to match the tackiness of requesting cash.
I know that it is a tough pill to swallow, but unfortunately that is just the way most people approach weddings - if you attend you should give a gift, not necessarily cash, but a gift. :-/
And to clarify one point - the $$ amount listed wasn't a cash suggestion, just a suggested gift amount. You can go out and spend that money on a toaster oven if you so desire.
I am just trying to give some insight into what my experience has been, I know how challenging I found the etiquette when friends first started getting married.... I've been to weddings ranging from Jewish to southern belle, from high school gymnasiums to the Boston Four Seasons. I learned that many Jewish couples do not have a place for gifts at the reception - the expectation a cash gift. With southern weddings I have found brides prefer an actual gift, as cash is considered less personal and tacky.
Regardless, I have yet to be at a wedding that I felt it was appropriate for me to not bring ANYTHING. Even when super cash strapped, I would coupon clip and find a way to get a small gift and then deck it out with cute accents from a clearance section. Also - totally true that you have a year to give a gift. Just please don't use that as an excuse to "forget." :-/ 0 -
To be honest I am attending one of my best friend's wedding in November. I am flying across the country to be there, and will be a groomsman in the bridal party.
My gift is my presence in this instance. I'm already shelling out a small fortune to fly there and spend time with them, away from my wife and daughter during that time.
I may get them something small, but most likely just a card and my physical presence.
They are both good people and fully understand what a task it is for me to attend already, and the only reason I can is because they have given me enough notice to budget the time off work and the money to afford the trip...plus I will be staying in a hotel, have a rental car, and be paying for my food, etc while I am there.
If they got upset that I didn't bring them something, it would be aggravating to say the least...but I'm not even slightly worried about that - I get to see my friend and his family for the first time in more than 2 years...it will be a great time.
I wouldn't feel too bad about this. Friends usually understand if you have to shell out for the trip. I've been to destination weddings where I did not bring a gift. The cost of the ticket, hotel and the few days staying there to celebrate were enough. But, then again, destination weddings are often designed to save money for the bride and groom so that's another reason for them to not be too bothered.0 -
Many times, places like Ross Dress for Less and TJ Maxx have kitchen and home sections which have fantastic deals, often on nice crystal, glassware, serving dishes, vases, etc. You don't have to spend a fortune on a nice gift, but it's in poor taste to show up to a wedding empty handed.0
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To be honest I am attending one of my best friend's wedding in November. I am flying across the country to be there, and will be a groomsman in the bridal party.
My gift is my presence in this instance. I'm already shelling out a small fortune to fly there and spend time with them, away from my wife and daughter during that time.
I may get them something small, but most likely just a card and my physical presence.
They are both good people and fully understand what a task it is for me to attend already, and the only reason I can is because they have given me enough notice to budget the time off work and the money to afford the trip...plus I will be staying in a hotel, have a rental car, and be paying for my food, etc while I am there.
If they got upset that I didn't bring them something, it would be aggravating to say the least...but I'm not even slightly worried about that - I get to see my friend and his family for the first time in more than 2 years...it will be a great time.
Yes when you are in the wedding it is definitely different!
I asked my bridesmaids not to get me anything. It is up to each person, but being in a wedding is SO expensive! I bought their dresses as my gift to them, and gave them some little jewelry that they may never wear again, but the flights, hotel, bachelorette party, showers... I know it adds up!0 -
I wouldn't feel too bad about this. Friends usually understand if you have to shell out for the trip. I've been to destination weddings where I did not bring a gift. The cost of the ticket, hotel and the few days staying there to celebrate were enough. But, then again, destination weddings are often designed to save money for the bride and groom so that's another reason for them to not be too bothered.
lol it's not a destination wedding, it's where they live... My wife and I moved away for work 3 years ago and we only went back that first Christmas and the next year for her sister's wedding.0 -
I wouldn't feel too bad about this. Friends usually understand if you have to shell out for the trip. I've been to destination weddings where I did not bring a gift. The cost of the ticket, hotel and the few days staying there to celebrate were enough. But, then again, destination weddings are often designed to save money for the bride and groom so that's another reason for them to not be too bothered.
lol it's not a destination wedding, it's where they live... My wife and I moved away for work 3 years ago and we only went back that first Christmas and the next year for her sister's wedding.
I know, I was just using it as a point of personal reference. My point was, if you have to do significant travel then, more often than not, the bride/groom will understand about financial constraints.0 -
How close of a friend are these people?? In general - just a card is a bad idea. If you cannot afford a gift then you cannot afford to attend the wedding. It really depends on the friends, though, and what the wedding is going to be like.
I know when I first started going to friend's weddings it was a real challenge to understand all the rules/etiquette. I have learned that standard gift for a reasonable wedding is $100/couple minimum, and for a nicer wedding $200/couple. You want to pay for your plate and then give them a little something extra.
I'm sorry- I am not trying to be mean at all, and I understand cash is tight right now... but they are spending a LOT of money to throw a wedding and you should give them a gift that not only celebrates their special day, but also helps them start their life together as a married couple.
If you cannot afford a gift, then perhaps your boyfriend can?
Agreed, the debt is not something that you need to worry about or mention - ESPECIALLY on the wedding day. I was thinking of before, but the time may have passed as I'm sure they are stressing the closer the wedding gets. I just thought that you had mentioned it as an idea for a gift because your funds are tight, not as a reason to not give something.
Here's a thread that could have some good ideas and advice:
https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=1006040406506
In regards to the bolded part, I hate this type of thinking. I understand it's nice for people to give cash at a wedding but at what point did it become an expectation? The wedding is only as expensive as the couple allow it to be and it's completely tacky to assume and/or expect attendees to pay $100 per plate so it covers the costs.
It's nice if people do give money but weddings shouldn't be about making money. I agree with the other person to give them a tacky toaster to match the tackiness of requesting cash.
I know that it is a tough pill to swallow, but unfortunately that is just the way most people approach weddings - if you attend you should give a gift, not necessarily cash, but a gift. :-/
And to clarify one point - the $$ amount listed wasn't a cash suggestion, just a suggested gift amount. You can go out and spend that money on a toaster oven if you so desire.
I am just trying to give some insight into what my experience has been, I know how challenging I found the etiquette when friends first started getting married.... I've been to weddings ranging from Jewish to southern belle, from high school gymnasiums to the Boston Four Seasons. I learned that many Jewish couples do not have a place for gifts at the reception - the expectation a cash gift. With southern weddings I have found brides prefer an actual gift, as cash is considered less personal and tacky.
Regardless, I have yet to be at a wedding that I felt it was appropriate for me to not bring ANYTHING. Even when super cash strapped, I would coupon clip and find a way to get a small gift and then deck it out with cute accents from a clearance section. Also - totally true that you have a year to give a gift. Just please don't use that as an excuse to "forget." :-/
i agree that it is but I don't think that it is right or ok. It is actually really sad that people throw weddings they can't afford and expect their guests to pick up the costs. IMO, being upset that someone didn't give you enough to cover the cost of their meal or even inviting people on the expectation of receiving something is far worse than showing up at a wedding with no gift.0 -
Give them a tacky toaster...
They were just rude, they didn't kill a man.0 -
This is why I like being a guy. Men's conversations are like this " hey that $250 you owe me, that is your wedding present". Now in terms of his new wife.....well that is another story.0
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Sounds to me like this is more an issue between your boyfriend and his buddy. No need to inject yourself, let him decide what he wants to do. He's the one who's owed the debt. If you want to get them a present, you should do so, especially if you want the new bride to feel that you value their friendship. It doesn't have to be extravagant and it doesn't have to be cash. Buy them something from the heart and they should be grateful for the gesture. If not, why would you want to be friends with them?0
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There's nothing wrong with just giving a card at a wedding.0
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I like the forgiving the debt thing, but I don't understand wedding etiquette at all. I didn't have the kind of wedding where people gave gifts (and specifically asked people to skip it).
That bit about not going if you can't bring a gift? That's total BS in my opinion, no matter what the "rules" say. If you're invited it's because your presence is wanted.
The "rules" say a gift is not required.
No it's not required, but it's a crappy thing to do. At my wedding we got a lot of expensive and a lot of handmade gifts that cost nothing but someone's time that I honestly cherish more now that it's all said and done.
Edited to say: To me a card is a gift also-- we got some of those too and that's all that was given with some really sweet things said in it-- some of my friend's even included pictures and I will keep them forever, point is I think something whatever you can is appropriate.0 -
Get as drunk and as loud as you can! :drinker: :drinker:0
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I just give people the finger, free and honest.0
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I think that when you have a wedding it's to invite friends and family to celebrate that you found love. It's not so people will buy you stuff or give you money.
It doesn't matter what you spend on your wedding because that was your choice to spend that much. All you need for a wedding is two consenting adults, someone who can marry them and the documents. That's it. You can't expect people to essentially help reimburse you for the extra stuff you elected to spend money on.
I don't invite people over to celebrate my birthday hoping they show up with gifts, I invite them because I want to spend time with them and share dinner and some cake. If they show up with something that's a bonus and if not that's perfectly fine.0 -
I don't invite people over to celebrate my birthday hoping they show up with gifts, I invite them because I want to spend time with them and share dinner and some cake. If they show up with something that's a bonus and if not that's perfectly fine.
That's exactly why I tell everyone I know not to buy me anything for my birthday...because I don't want to spend time with them on that day(except my wife and daughter lol) ...
I totally agree with your whole point though...your presence is what should matter to them, not how much you spent on them, or that you spent anything on them, or gave them anything...0 -
A wedding gift does not have to reflect the est cost of providing the meal/drinks for a person, and nor should the bride or groom expect it to.
Guests are invited to weddings to help celebrate a marriage not to recoup the costs of a reception.
Give a gift you can afford.
It is becoming quite common in Australia for requests for cash in lieu of gifts, some people are happy to do this, others not as it makes them feel uncomfortable. If there is a request for a money tree or cash registry (as a travel agent for instance), bride and grooms should also the include a gift registry to allow guests to choose their preferred option.0 -
Is it a cash bar? If yes, don't go. 0
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I've been to a slew of weddings recently and it's true - you have up to a year to give a gift and don't HAVE to give anything that day. In fact, a lot of couples prefer not to have a pile of gifts to deal with after the ceremony. Several of our friends were thrilled to receive a gift card a few months after the wedding as they'd discovered some more wants/needs after they'd gotten settled in their new life. If you can't spare the cash now, bring yourself and some good wishes and keep an ear open to anything they mention they might need in the future if you DO have some cash to spare then. Either way, your presence will mean more than your gift.0
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I think that when you have a wedding it's to invite friends and family to celebrate that you found love. It's not so people will buy you stuff or give you money.
It doesn't matter what you spend on your wedding because that was your choice to spend that much. All you need for a wedding is two consenting adults, someone who can marry them and the documents. That's it. You can't expect people to essentially help reimburse you for the extra stuff you elected to spend money on.
I don't invite people over to celebrate my birthday hoping they show up with gifts, I invite them because I want to spend time with them and share dinner and some cake. If they show up with something that's a bonus and if not that's perfectly fine.
Yep. This was my approach to it. Backyard wedding/skip the gifts all the way here. I am super glad I'm not friends or family to the people who think you have to spend a C-note or two just because they're getting married. Not being *AT* the wedding because you couldn't afford a gift is (or should be in a world where priorities made sense) way more hurtful to the couple than getting "just" a hug and a card.0 -
I've found that wedding etiquette seems to vary in different parts of the world, or even different parts of the country. Here in California, it's not uncommon for couples to ask for money, especially if they just don't need a bunch of house stuff (though this is usually through a honeymoon or house-saving fund website, as opposed to- put cash in this box). However, that doesn't mean you HAVE to give cash.
As for forgiving the debt, if it's an issue that has been talked about recently, and if you guys are close to the couple getting married and they are understanding people who realize they've messed up by not paying you back, that might be appropriate. However, if a very long time as gone by and it hasn't been spoken of, or if you're not that close, it might sound like you are using the wedding as an opportunity to bring up a long-time resentment. It really depends on different factors but it's a little risky.
Personally, I would at least give a card. Maybe throw in a wedding picture album or something. I don't think anyone should feel obligated to give a card or gift at all- however, it is appreciated by the couple (or at least it should be). A wedding is meant to be a once-in-a-lifetime event, unlike birthdays and holidays. For many weddings, the per-person cost is expensive and couples have to be picky about who they invite because of that cost. This does not by any means obligate you to buy a gift, and if you don't give a gift, I don't think the couple should be upset about it. But personally, when I'm invited to a wedding, I feel appreciative that I was invited and it makes me feel good to reciprocate at least with a card.
ETA: I agree that I'd rather have my friends at my wedding empty-handed than not have them there at all, and I would not have any hard feelings about it at all. That said, personally, if I go to a wedding, I always bring a gift, even if it's a $7 bottle of wine on sale at BevMo.0 -
I think that when you have a wedding it's to invite friends and family to celebrate that you found love. It's not so people will buy you stuff or give you money.
It doesn't matter what you spend on your wedding because that was your choice to spend that much. All you need for a wedding is two consenting adults, someone who can marry them and the documents. That's it. You can't expect people to essentially help reimburse you for the extra stuff you elected to spend money on.
I don't invite people over to celebrate my birthday hoping they show up with gifts, I invite them because I want to spend time with them and share dinner and some cake. If they show up with something that's a bonus and if not that's perfectly fine.
Yep. This was my approach to it. Backyard wedding/skip the gifts all the way here. I am super glad I'm not friends or family to the people who think you have to spend a C-note or two just because they're getting married. Not being *AT* the wedding because you couldn't afford a gift is (or should be in a world where priorities made sense) way more hurtful to the couple than getting "just" a hug and a card.
I would be really sad if someone didn't come just because they couldn't afford a gift. I invited them and obviously wanted them there. I'm glad I don't have friends who expect me to buy expensive gifts or I'm sure I'd never get invited to weddings.0 -
A friend of ours is getting married on Sunday and he let us know that they are not registered for gifts, they are just asking for cash to start saving for a house. He has owed $250 to my boyfriend for the past year and after saying he would pay him back numerous times, continues to not do so. My boyfriend has given up asking for it many months ago. On top of that, my work hours have been reduced for the past several months since I am going to school at night so we're really tight on cash. If you were in the same situation, how would you handle it?
I live by a simple rule with regards to giving: Never give more than I am willing to lose.
So if I choose to lend someone $250, and they don't repay it, I can live with that. I just never lend them money again.
If I was in your current situation I would not hold that debt against them. A gift is a gift; I would likely give whatever I could reasonably afford, grudge free.0 -
A friend of ours is getting married on Sunday and he let us know that they are not registered for gifts, they are just asking for cash to start saving for a house. He has owed $250 to my boyfriend for the past year and after saying he would pay him back numerous times, continues to not do so. My boyfriend has given up asking for it many months ago. On top of that, my work hours have been reduced for the past several months since I am going to school at night so we're really tight on cash. If you were in the same situation, how would you handle it?
I live by a simple rule with regards to giving: Never give more than I am willing to lose.
So if I choose to lend someone $250, and they don't repay it, I can live with that. I just never lend them money again.
If I was in your current situation I would not hold that debt against them. A gift is a gift; I would likely give whatever I could reasonably afford, grudge free.
Word.0 -
Write them a check for $250.00, but make it out to yourself. Put it in the card and give it to them.
I just choked on my adult beverage! Have I mentioned that I am so glad we are friends!!!!0 -
Yikes how tacky. Ew. FYI You do not have to give them something from their registry, or even cash if they choose not to register. You cannot, however, give them NOTHING for their wedding. Either don't go, or give them a gift.
People tend to remember what was given to them for their wedding, and also what was NOT given. If you want to maintain this friendship for a long time then I would suggest this:
First ask them about the debt - something like "hey remember you owe we $250 - how about we make that your wedding gift!"
Then, at the wedding give them something small and thoughtful. These are your friends who are starting a life together, and that is SO special. Think of something that you really love - a crock pot, personalized towels, wine decanter something that is not very expensive but is cute and nice. You can do a lot of this for $30 ish - head to HomeGoods and shop your little heart out.
This way you set expectations low - "we are forgiving a debt" and then delivering high "we gave you a small gift instead of just forgiving debt!"
Again - these are your friends. This is not a time to settle an old score. Yes they are being tacky, but don't let that make you tacky in return. You very rarely will regret being generous and kind.
Best answer. Hands down.
It's tacky to not give a gift. I went to my best friend's wedding (it cost me well over $600 in airfares, accommodation...et) yet I still made sure to give a gift. Why? It's the respectable thing to do and I cannot imagine NOT giving my best friend a gift. She definitely remembered who DIDN'T give her a gift (even though she said it wasn't necessary, it does hurt a bit knowing someone went to the reception and didn't even give her a nice card).0
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