Can anyone help me? ( A rant, looking for opinions )

Makoce

This is long, so bear with me..

I know most people on MFP are not nutritionists and have their own opinions .. but thats all Im looking for, your honest opinions and personal experiences. In a respectful manner.

Anyway, over a year ago I started losing the weight.
After doing the exercising to eat more, eating whatever I want under the sun, I lost 60LBS.
In fact, on the 1 year mark of logging, I was at goal weight.
I celebrated by eating 3 icecream cones, a whole pizza, 2 bags of gummy bears, and whatever else I could find by pounding out a day at the gym. Lost 1.5lbs that week.
It was great, I told everyone I lost the weight on Doritos. They were jealous.
I had many days where all Ive eaten that day is processed foods, breads, "junk" and pasta.

But I had found myself shakey and hungry every few hours the more and more I ate like crap.

I started eating oatmeals for breakfast, cereals for lunch, tortillas with chicken or some other kinda meat for dinner and then various snacks like popcorns, granola bars and fruit after dinner.
It didnt help.
Ii went to low fat greek yogurts, kept my snacks, more lean meat, protein shakes/bars, and smaller amounts of cereal and oats.
It didnt help.

I was still shakey and hungry.

I was so fatigued. And exercising more and more to eat more high calorie food.

I jumped on the Paleo/Primal Band wagon, lost 5 more LBS.
I was full all the time, ate great healthy meals, energy returned.

It was great, lost a bunch of water weight so muscles were more defined.
Lost some extra pounds since pasta/carbs/grains are high calorie bulk and they were gone.

Though, Started obsessing over carbs....trying to get them as low as possible.

But then I started binging on fruit. I ignored it because it was fruit.

I didnt crave any processed foods, breads, or grains - until one night I literally ate ONE M&M. ONE.
It went down my throat and a light went off, I binged to 6,000 calories on processed foods that night.
Ever since that night Ive been packing away bowls of cereal, multiple bowls of oatmeal, popcorn, bread and peanutbutter, donuts ( some I dont even like ), chips, icecream, and candy.

Ive been on a huge spree eating nothing but that stuff for almost two weeks intermittently now.
Ive put back on 3 pounds of fat, and about TEN pounds of water weight.
My entire body is bloated and squishy. I feel fat again.
Either I have a sugar addiction going on, or I was more deprived than I thought?

ignore this week in my diary ... its not normal for me to be this low. Im tryingto make a manageable week..I have to under eat a bit to try to level it out. I was eating 1780 - 1800 cal goal. But then I was hitting 5,000 a day -_-

On top of which, now Im hungry again all the time. ( Previously on higher goal, not just this week )
Even protein is triggering. When I eat a large serving of meat, I get triggered to want to go eat processed stuff.
Its so weird!

I was not under-eating because I was slowly gaining, took advantage of it and did strength training.
I drink TONSSS of water.


Health and weight loss for healthy people are two different things, Im starting to think I need to go back to just doing the calorie-math-dance.

Obviously Ive learned a bit more about health ... I would probably eat whole foods, with a little bit of grain like maybe a granola bar, some oats, whatever -- a protein shake or bar.

Bread and pasta wont likely rear their faces unless it's a special thing, mostly because I dont really like them anyway.

I need to stop OBSESSING and LABELING over macros, food types, chemicals, ingredients -- I WANT to do those things, I BELIEVE in it, but mentally I cant handle it?? Or something. Unless theres something else as play.


I also feel like that huge 4 month low carb thing I did is what struck up these weird binges for fruit, natural sugars, and carbs.
Either way, I am afraid I CANT control myself going back to eating just in my goal, in moderation, since I am now eating 1 thing and hooked like crack. It touches my tongue and Im set off like a rocket into the pantry all night long.

The other issue is Im a very nature-oriented earthy person.
I read a lot how humans dont even need carbs in their diets to function, and wernt even designed digestion-ally or prehistorically to eat it to begin with. ( Grains that is, not carbs in general ).

Its weird to go from 200 - 500g of carbs down to 30 - 80g, think of carbs as evil, then go back to eating not only carbs but foods you dont think are human-friendly??? I DONT KNOW

Now Im conflicted with that.


I want to be healthy, but I dont want to be deprived.
Ive set myself into a hole where I want to do one thing, and my body wants to do the other.

Can anyone give me their thoughts, reassurances, opinions or experiences?

I really want to be healthy .. I dont understand why I cant do what it takes to be healthy, including stop binging on crap.
Even fitting it in a balanced way into my diet, I apparently cant control myself.
And now I get disgusted when I look at processed stuff. Yet binge on it. I dont get it.
Why do I need it in my life that badly
I guess you only live once, but since I started eating processed stuff in my binges, my depression is back to where it was.


Im stuck in a fricken endless loop here.

Branstin

Since you suffered from an eating disorder in the past, I really think you should consult with a doctor and get into a support group.

Makoce

This is different. My binging was under control for a whole year.
Nothing has changed this came out of no where and I don't have the same emotional feelings when I binge this time around. I just feel like a starving animal who needs to eat and consume the highest calorie foods before they're gone. Even if it means eating till I'm gonna burst.

I feel like this is chemicle or hormonal. Not mental.

heronh

Look up Carb Nite Solutions or buy the book. I think that might suit your eating habit.
Good Luck!

Branstin

Regardless if it is mental or physical, people who suffered from eating disorders could relapse. You really need to stop playing the guessing game and seek professional help.

Makoce

I'm just looking for opinions to re evaluate what's going to be for me long term.
I had blood tests and whatnot for this issue. But then I lost my health insurance.

teeshalavonejenkins

I applaud you for being very transparent. Personally, I do not believe in the deprivation thing because it can lead to exactly the situation that you are in. It is really all about portion control. I have been using these color coded containers the past few months and it has helped me tremendously. If you are interested, send me a friend request on FB. I rarely check MFP account because I have too many other platforms that I use. Drinking a gallon of water a day really helps me. I drink my first 16 oz the first think when I get up in the morning.

btc1987

It sounds like you're going through stages of eating completely clean and then short stages of binging on crap.

Moderation is key! Set yourself a reasonable goal - to maintain, lose, or gain and try to eat a balanced diet. If you want to eat m&ms or a bag of chips every now and then, work it into your diet. There's nothing wrong with eating processed foods occasionally (although some will disagree with me).

It sounds like it just builds and builds until you can't take it anymore and you just go on a binge spree. I think moderation will help you maintain a lifestyle that will allow you to eat healthy and take part in some indulgences at the same time.

Best of luck!

Makoce

Thank you starting to think you're right.
I was allowing myself a treat once a month. Maybe once a week is more manageable?
And to stop tracking macros?

MelodyandBarbells

What kinds of foods are you inhaling? Do they have to be in the house? You could keep certain things out of the house and go out to buy single or few servings every once in a while

Makoce

Family buys them for them. Refuse to stop

MelodyandBarbells

Not nice :grumble:

_KitKat_

Makoce, you have been having this going on for a few weeks. You need to distance yourself, daily you are thinking of new solutions or new reasons why it is happening. Honestly you are not giving any of your solutions time to work. You are at goal, you lost the weight, you maintained, you got mostly away from binging, you did all of this by practicing moderation. Stop congratulate yourself, give yourself credit for how far you have come. You are sabotaging yourself and you know this, your family bought junk while you were losing....it is no different now. I am not trying to be hard on you, but you are being too hard on yourself and it is perpetuating a cycle of self harm. Have you tried to contact Over eaters anonymous yet? No need to answer, but if not these people have been where you are. Give yourself a clean slate and practice what you did before.

You have conquered this before, just because it feels different does not mean it is not the same issue as before, it's just dressed differently. By cloaking the issue in mystery, you are giving it power over you. You know what you need to do, you have accomplished this before. Do what you need and seek support with those you know have dealt with the same issue. Posting here is great, but for every person who knows what you are dealing with, you will have 5 others throwing ideas at you....these ideas may be good but they may not and having so many ideas seesm to make your head spin.

You know I can't completely get it, I have not suffered through this but as your friend I see you struggle. You have people on your FL that have been where you are, they have given you advice. Heck you love nature, pack some trail mix and some healthy meals, get some friends and go camping. Any binge will be limited, because you have to share and last I checked there wasn't a grocery store in the middle of the woods. You need to take a step back.