Family (especially parents) judging is very hurtful.

tanyaj2014

My nan has always been extremely rude about other peoples weight stranger or not, she once said when my ex - boyfriend (who was obese) got in the car 'Wow! I hope the back wheels don't pop!' Was quite amusing but so rude lol. With the older generation I don't think they understand what it's like because back in their day they didn't have weight problems so much. I know my nan doesn't understand how hurtful she can be x

DoingitWell

stop spending so much time with your family?! just concentrate on doing you.

^^^ This. Become "too busy"...And when they ask you why, just simply state, I do not enjoy myself around you.

PinkyFett

Take it one day at a time. Do it for you and not for them , you will see the results you want to see if you stick with it. If it were easy none of us would be here, you are not alone.

Agreed.

WebSliceGallery

How do you deal with family judging you? I need to lose about 80 lbs. I have been called fat by my parents since I was about 6 years old. My mom tries to feed me whenever I see her but comments on my weight. My dad outright tells me to go work out and that no guy will want me. I am 24 but this still affects me a lot. My siblings have always judged me too. This is a huge mental block for me because I feel like EVERYONE is judging me. I am so used to it from my family that I feel all people do it. My cousins and aunts and uncles do it too. I don't know how to deal with this because it is so emotionally and mentally straining. It makes tracking my calories and working out harder because i feel like a failure when I don't see results as quickly as I want. I also get huge anxiety when going to family functions.

I am mad at your family for being rude about your weight to the point that you don't even feel comfortable at family functions. I don't know what to say to make you feel better, but hugs and kisses

trb85

Here's the tough love approach.

Get your steel spine out and tell them not to make negative comments about your weight/body. It's disrespectful and you won't put up with it. Tell them that negative comments will end your visit. And then follow through. One negative comment = you pack up your stuff and walk out the door (and apologies or I was just joking, doesn't change the fact that you are leaving). After a few times of doing that, they will know that you are serious and will stop.

You teach people how to treat you. Stop being a doormat.

Quoted for emphasis.

Seriously. This is huge.

Sounds scary, and you may feel like a jerk for doing it the first couple times. But it makes a massive difference in your interactions with people. Once you realize that you control half of what happens, you get more confident in all situations, not just ones involving your weight or your family.

Women have been trained by society to just smile and take whatever crap is thrown as it. If we say anything, then we're just being overly sensitive, or biotches, or "can't take a joke" ... whatever. You don't have to just grin and bear it. You're a person who is worthy of respect. Set some boundaries and enforce them.

eplerd

stop spending so much time with your family?! just concentrate on doing you.

^^^^ THIS!!! ^^^^^

I realize it's family, but if they're not being supportive then avoid them till you can deal with it!
I've had to cut off certain members of MY family because they were causing me too much stress in MY LIFE, not easy but sometimes you've gotta do it.

If they ask WHY you have been avoiding them then nicely tell them that you're tired of the hurtful, judgmental comments.

MEANWHILE, concentrate on bettering yourself!

melnorwich

I completely avoid abusive and toxic people, and I severely limit my exposure to negative people. I'm a happier person for it. Good luck OP! Do this for YOU and ignore or avoid negative influences. :flowerforyou:

I agree with this entirely. I've distanced myself from people in my life who are negative influences or spiteful to me. Good health involves being happy psychologically and i dont think that you can obtain this if you have people putting you down. I would suggest that you try to talk to your family about their comments towards you. You are an adult and are entitled to make your own decisions about your healthy and body, without other people expressing their views in ways that are upsetting to you. I personally would not allow family to make comments to me that undermine my self esteem; anymore than i would let anyone else say hurtful things. Just because they are family, it doesnt give them special rights to belittle or hurt you. I'd be tempted to tell them that you only eat food that you have prepared yourself as you are counting calories and avoid family functions that might jeopardise your healthy eating or emotional welfare.

Fsunami

How do you deal with family judging you? I need to lose about 80 lbs. I have been called fat by my parents since I was about 6 years old. My mom tries to feed me whenever I see her but comments on my weight. My dad outright tells me to go work out and that no guy will want me. I am 24 but this still affects me a lot. My siblings have always judged me too. This is a huge mental block for me because I feel like EVERYONE is judging me. I am so used to it from my family that I feel all people do it. My cousins and aunts and uncles do it too. I don't know how to deal with this because it is so emotionally and mentally straining. It makes tracking my calories and working out harder because i feel like a failure when I don't see results as quickly as I want. I also get huge anxiety when going to family functions.

First of all, I'm sorry that you had to hear that. Its offensive to say the least.

Secondly, I think its time to call bull**** on them directly to their face.

You don't bring a knife to a gun fight. You bring a gun. Most people who are bullies (even those you are related to) back down once you punch them in the face a few times. Cost me a relationship with Mom, but she was toxic and it had to happen. Once I called her on it, it never happened again.

To further this, some direct questions to ask them so you can begin to address them sabotaging your success:

1) What or who gives you the right to call me fat? What do you possibly hope to accomplish? Do you think this somehow helps me or brings us closer?

2) "Hey mom/dad, did you ever consider that your lack of support/parental failings (as shown in their comments) might have something to do with these "failures" you want to rub in my face?

3) You probably know better than us what their struggle is (lets say for instance Mom's a heavy drinker). Sharpen the knife and ask "Why". Put THEM on the defensive. Bullies hate it as it exposes the thing they are insecure about.

In many instances, seriously flawed parents use guilt as a weapon to control their family & that makes it harder for you than most to stand up for yourself, which they know and probably have always relied on. What I told Mom was "If you ever talk to me like that again or act like that again, we're done" She thought I was kidding. I wasn't. Painful but necessary.

Its your life, you know what you're doing, and you own it.

Its time to come out swinging.

If you binge, they win. Don't let the haters hate
If you binge, they win. Don't let the haters hate
If you binge, they win. Don't let the haters hate
If you binge, they win. Don't let the haters hate

Feel free to friend me if youd like

Fsunami

twhite1994

I feel your pain and can relate as well. My mom & dad have always been supportive of me no matter what. I used to get eased as a kid for being so fat but my parents never made a negative comment and always encouraged me to be active and they set a good example. When I got married is when I discovered how mean family can be. My in-laws are very negative and critical and always comment on my weight. At my highest I've been 40 lbs too heavy but they always make is known how big I look and one would think I was 300 lbs overweight! Even when I was pregnant, my father-in-law actually moo'ed at me when we were on vacation. It's heartbreaking so I completely understand! Fast forward, after having kids I decided to make a lifestyle change and drop the weight. Wouldn't you konw it, they started commenting that I'm too skinny. Plus, depending on the year, I may train extra hard for an event and have greater muscle tone from the last time they saw me. I do fluctuate within my healthy weight and they always say negative things. I've learned to just smile and remind them that I'm doing what works best for me and at least I'm fit and healthy. I usually change the subject or leave the toxic environment. Nothing you do will please them.

Remember, you are doing this for you and you alone! It has nothing to do with them and more than likely they are a bit jealous and intimidated by your dedication and willingness to change. Change is scary to people and sometimes they just don't know how to behave appropriately! Stick with it and you will see amazing results and feel so good about what you have accomplished!

seltzermint555

Here's the tough love approach.

Get your steel spine out and tell them not to make negative comments about your weight/body. It's disrespectful and you won't put up with it. Tell them that negative comments will end your visit. And then follow through. One negative comment = you pack up your stuff and walk out the door (and apologies or I was just joking, doesn't change the fact that you are leaving). After a few times of doing that, they will know that you are serious and will stop.

You teach people how to treat you. Stop being a doormat.

YES.

This was basically what I planned to write.

I think that would work well for very blatant, obvious comments. Which sounds perfect for the OP!

You must set the tone sometimes for people. They very likely still see you as a teen or child. You are at an age where even if you live with them, you're an adult now and it may be painful to make the adjustment of standing up for yourself as a grown up! But you owe that to yourself.

My own experience has involved more subtle comments, and not about weight or size but other things in life. Anyway, I moved out from my parents very young but still catered to them too much. Usually it was more in the form of pleasing them or ignoring comments they made about my political views, beliefs, friends, and so forth. It hurt. But finally in my mid to late 20's I started gently but ASSERTIVELY asking them to stop making those comments. It worked. They are more respectful now.

Lauren8239

It sounds like you are the one they "pick" on. There always seems to be one member of a family that is the "one". I hope you can let their comments slide off your back. They are going to be lost when you meet your goals and they have nothing negative to say to you. Hang in there!

ETA: What family members I have left are very negative and stab each other in the back. I walked away from it, and them. Never been happier after ditching them and all the stress they caused. You have to do what is healthy for you, both mentally and emotionally.

jtw158

Don't focus on the negatives in your life, try your best to focus on the positives. As other people have said your family likely cares about you and wants you to be healthy even if they go about it in a "jerky" way.

When you hit your exercise goals or come in under your calorie limit give yourself some time to feel good about it. I know I have a really hard time giving myself credit for anything, and it doesn't help improve self esteem.

When you skip a workout or eat too many calories, don't beat yourself up. Nobody can be perfect and slip ups will happen, just take a moment to tell yourself the reasons you have for this effort and try to refocus.

To paraphrase Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now "It is judgment that defeats us." If you slip up you are not a bad person, and you are not a failure. You are a human being who deserves love and compassion. Obviously keep yourself accountable but like is full of ups and downs.

I feel like I come off as a total hippie here. I have been through years of bipolar disorder and I am trying to get my life onto a track I can be proud of. Best of luck with your journey.

All my love to you.

ajff

I'm so glad you started this thread.

I've been gearing myself up for a hard weekend with the family for a month, no getting out of it.

My current mental work - getting those little comments out of my head while I gear to take care of myself. Funny how you have an internal ipod on repeat, isn't it??? I'm trying to replace my parents' voices with the most postive and best encouraging words I've read here or heard from the positive people around me.

Take care of yourself, work on replacing your internal ipod with good stuff!