Staying Motivated, but how long?

Shelzske

Im scared to share my story, im sure many of you have been too... and to me this is a huge step in releasing some pent up emotions that I hope will shed light to some, and even have others relate to my story...I apologise for any graphic nature within my typing, and im hoping my words don't come across as insulting or misunderstood by users here.. I believe i just need a bit of support, and people to keep me going with this..

In 2012 I lost 18.3kg... From being a size 16 to a size 12..I had not always been that size, my smallest size was a 8/10.
In year 8 at high school i developed a case of bulimia, i was originally a size 12 (puppy fat) who dropped to a 8/10.. unhealthily.. I was still so unhappy at that size, naturally my body was not slender, i'm a stocky build (5'6), and my arms and legs as well as my butt were quite solid, but not flabby.. I still just saw myself as horrible, i would check the mirror over 30 times a day, i would change my clothes after i put a new outfit on, thinking i looked too 'big' and embarrassingly, it got to a point where i did try to use scissors to remove my... lady part as it was not flat..like the photoshopped women you see in playboy magazines.. I was frustrated, i cried myself to sleep, my own mentality effected everyone around me.. Girls told me they were jealous of me and my figure.. this came across to me as lies, to make me feel good...and men used me. These years were between ages 12-18. I felt so drained, about myself and my emotions, about having to feel horrible and worthless, not being able to have a proper relationship (in regards to feeling comfortable with myself for me and my partner).. I felt i had something wrong with me.. I would pick and point out every single imperfection even if it wasn't there, monthly, daily, hourly.. My mother often became upset at how depressed i would get at times, and worried about me.. I often went through periods where i would not eat for long periods of time, one lasting over a month.. I survived off cigarettes and water.. I was repulsed by food, i was too weak to eat..
I did go to the doctor, as my mother was just too worried about my condition.. In simplistic terminology, because of my bulimia my body was basically repeating 'symptoms' of the disorder affected by my mental health, which created a negative reaction to food. I was put on supplements, and told to eat every 3 hours even if it were something small. The most difficult part of this, is ever since i could remember i had not been able to eat breakfast, my mother also stated she had always remembered me not wanting to eat until after lunch, as i'd feel sick. This went ok for a while, but history started to repeat, often.
In 2013, i decided to research how i felt, just out of curiosity to see if i was the only one in this world.. also at this point was i interested in taking up a degree in psychology.. I discovered a video on youtube at first, and while watching it, i cried.. not because i was upset... because the people on this particular show.. felt EXACTLY like me! ... I felt overwhelmed.. and so i looked into this disorder more... BDD Body Dysmorphic Disorder...
I'd never even heard of this! The more I read, the more i felt enlightened.. and not alone anymore.. i felt comfort in knowing im not a freak.. i felt relieved that i could show this to my friends, and family, to have them better understand me.. I was diagnosed by a doctor later in 2013, but i was not sad... the more i researched the more i wanted to beat this.. and it is rare for BDD sufferers to over come this illness... I was upset however, at the negative response to some sufferers.. this was that they were often called "attention seekers"... i find this a horrible expression, and people had lacked the compassion to understand this disorder and the people who suffer it. I was never open with my self hate, i kept it quiet.. my partners were the only people who ever heard me speak the cruel things i told myself.. Some friends heard this too, but i used my humor as a mask, my shield.. my protection.. They knew about me starving, they knew about me not being able to eat, they knew my self hate, but not to the full extent..
2013, my big year.. I had lost 18.3kgs but was starting to chubby up again, and became slightly depressed at this factor, it was effecting my relationship with my current partner of 2.5yrs.. And I hadn't reached my goal..
Over the past year I've had many events strike me which only caused a prolonged period of depression..and anxiety..
My sister in law has a brain tumor... we discovered this as she was pregnant with her second child.. The tool this took on the whole family..was devastating, and i've always put aside my own emotions to comfort and support others, i neglected myself.. and for this i paid the price of gaining weight, becoming lonely, anxiety ridden, upset over minimal things, sometimes i would lash out.. My step father then received news, that he had prostate cancer.. and right before my mother and he were planning their marriage.. My partner also suffers bi polar disorder, i sympathise at the fact that its hard living with yourself sometimes with this disorder and also the fact its hard living with someone with this disorder..he was previously addicted to drugs and alcohol, and it was hard to get him to step out of that comfort zone he had built, the wall he had up, the reality he had created with using these substances and all these things piled ontop of me just dragged me down, to the lowest of lows..
My sister in law gave birth to a healthy, and gorgeous baby boy, boy number 2.. my step father had his surgery and things are going well, my partner has not had a drop of alcohol or substance for a year or more, and controls his emotions better then ever (apart from the occasional outburst).
I was in a dark place for so long, i needed to come out, to see the light again...
I have recently purchased a heap of gym equipment, and supplied my fridge with nothing but my favorite healthy food (I would like to mention that, i have never been an over eater - i hardly eat which is why my metabolism is very slow..and im also a lover of all things healthy, i have the occasional treat but not gone over board, my partner however is a lover of all things frozen and easily heated in the microwave or oven -_- )
I have friends that are by my side, just to make sure i eat daily, and that im doing ok.. Something ticked in my brain, and i have the motivation i once lost, back. I need to do this, for myself, my mental health and my relationships around me, because in the past year, i have grown so much, learnt so much, and had more understanding on and with everything around me.. 2 months ago we bought a puppy, my Elsa... she's 16weeks today.. I hadn't lived with a dog for 2 years, and my animals are the one thing that keep me going, as i've been struggling to conceive for over a year.. The day i got her, my depression shed, i still have my moments from time to time.. but im better then i was before..
My goal is to meet friends here, supporters, people who have atleast had similar experiences or feelings, that can relate and also have seen the light, but to also help anyone that i can, im still on my journey, but if i can get there, anyone else can too..
I wish to loose about 20-25kgs.. Healthily!
I apologise for the novel of a story, and how boring it may have been for some, but for anyone who does read this, i really appreciate you taking the time out to listen...
I hate to post photos... but again i now like to overcome fears, my progression so far is linked below, ive been up and down, and now i may weight slightly heavier, but i know i can get back to somewhere thats comfortable again I may not be tiny .. yet... but atleast i've become happier..
My question to the majority of you, is how long did it take you to reach your goal? and possibly progression pics to keep me motivated..

http://i146.photobucket.com/albums/r276/Friesian_addict1/progresstilnow_zps4b8b741a.jpg

123losinforme

Good luck, keep going and hold your head up! Sometimes life seems unfair and I'm sorry for the things you've struggled with but pray and know you will always have support. Know that you're only human, do your best and never give up... I wish you the best!

God bless!
Dana

MJZO

Thank you for sharing your story. This is a step of courage! Just by writing this and sharing it with strangers you have proved to yourself that you CAN do this!

Shelzske

Thanks guys I know I will get there, I think i gave myself an unrealistic time goal, and since reading most the success stories, I figured, if i take a year to reach my goal, then thats ok, if i take 2 years..thats also ok, i think i felt pressured before and gave myself a short amount of time to do it...So that I could still be there for everyone else and their issues...
This year its me time, and to focus on me whilst everyone has a big support unit