Just a question for all of you out there with big weight los

Christie23

Just wondering... for all of you out there that are fighting for yourself, daily... logging your food, minding your choices, hitting the gym, pushing yourself... what do you think it was that made you let go of the drive to do that in the first place? What do you think it was, inside of you, that gave you permission to gain weight?

I have just been doing a lot of thinking on this, myself, recently. I am finding that as I progress, it's impacting me, emotionally, so much more than I expected. So, I thought I would open up a dialogue for everyone to share their own stories because I don't know about you but the walker on the treadmill next to me was TOTALLY uninterested in my journey...

ccaruso219

Christie,

I have been doing some soul searching myself to figure out where things went wrong in my life and caused me to gain 100 lbs. I'm guessing that it has to do with stress and aggravation, but to pinpoint an exact cause I can't do it yet. I like the idea of this thread. I am going to continue my searching and when I find an answer I will let you know.

ashlee954

I don't know about you but the walker on the treadmill next to me was TOTALLY uninterested in my journey...

This made me lol at my desk. Everyone is staring at me now. :-/ Anyhoo, I didn't have much to lose but I know that my divorce and major depression, which led to major self medication with alcohol, is what packed on my pounds! It's been over 2 years since my divorce so I decided to stop wallowing and get my *ss in gear. I reclaimed myself! AND a new man!

soze

Several things: #1 no vision. I lost sight of my goals; #2 I didn't have all the tools I needed; and last I tend to get involved in one project at a time and it gets all my attention. I'm fighting that these days. I feel I have all the tools I need and I can vision my goals.

AsaThorsWoman

My love for hot hot hot sex. *shrug *shag

And wanting a new BF.

To thine own self be true.

19marie74

This may not even answer the question. But for me I started gaining weight right after high school. Then when I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) I got lazy. When I was bored I would eat. My husband has issues with weight and has a hard time keeping it off. When he would eat I would eat. We just got big together. I did WW years ago and did lose weight. My biggest was 230 lbs. and I had lost down to 175 lbs. Then I don't know why I just quit. And the next thing I knew I was big again. I started dieting (shouldn't call it that), change that I wanted a life style change this year and started changing my eating habits this year. It was my New Years promise to myself. Now I am 174 and 45.5 pounds lighter for all of my hard work. Am I done? No. I want to see a size 6. Havn't been there since school. Do I want to ever go back? No. This site has changed me. I started here in August and I will be here for ever if need be. I don't ever want to be large again. Sorry so long. To whoever reads this I want to wish them luck. You are worth it and can do it.

butilovetacos

Great question!!! I have been reading "Fat Chance" by Julie Haden (one of Season 4 biggest losers) and she mentions Jillian Michael states something to the effect that people do not get fat just because of exercise and eating habits, but also because of emotional baggage we are holding onto! Ever since I read that I have been thinking about my emotional baggage. I know that I have always been chubby, since I was a kid, but I was active too. I know I have always tried for perfection, and with my Type A personality I get very angry when it is not achieved. For me I let myself gain weight when I am uncomfortable with my surroundings or have moved to something new. It is a tragic trend. I went to highschool and gained 40 pounds my freshman year but eventually lost some of it, moved to college and gained another 15-20 my freshman year and than lost a lot because I became so obsessed with it as most college students do. Than I left college and had to move away to find a job and gained another 20lbs, leaving me again to fit to lose weight. It is a yo-yo that I have to stop, food can't be my clutch anymore. I have also noticed that I gain a lot when I am depressed and feel worthyless. This summer I graduated from my master program but lost my job all in the same month. I had a horrible two months living on my mothers couch and ate my summer away. I slept all day, ate all night and pack on 40 pounds, leaving me to weigh the most I ever have and even more depressed. Finally I have gotten back on my feet and after a month or so of figuring out some materialistic matters (bills, housing, jobs) I am ready to get my health back in gear. This website has really help because it provides me the place and realization to actually become aware that I am a. not alone and b. able to achieve anything. I know this is more than you probably asked for, but it is my thinking process. Add me we can be friends!

WrenLynn

I think when I gained weight I felt relatively the same, I felt I looked the same and convinced myself no one could tell I had gained. That in turn made me comfortable. It won't hurt to have one cookie, I don't need to exercise today, etc... And it seems like you blink your eyes and all of a sudden you are months or years down the road and lots of pounds heavier. All of a sudden I felt uncomfortable again when I saw a picture of myself at my mother's 75th birthday party the end of last year and seriously couldn't believe it was me. I don't look like that! but it was me and I have kicked my butt in gear and have been losing ever since. This has been hard work and I don't want to ever let myself get comfortable again.

lyn54

There are a lot of people who really have never had to worry about a lot of weight gain. I think I have gained and lost 3 people in my life time. It began with birth control pills, children, sickness and just giving up at times. I had a lot of emotional stress early in my life.
I was very ill and had to take steroids to save my life. Then add to that 6 mos of trying to get strength back just to function.
Now, I have found this site and I am excercising, doing physical therapy and just trying to be healthy. As an older person, I want to encourage you to stick with this, not just for how you look, but for you health. It's hard on your body's organs, joints and mental health.
Having people who can relate to what your are doing is very important. It's to me, an addiction and like AA you need that support to keep you "at it".
Good luck to all!

vickiele1

I think the walker on the treadmill next to you might have been more focused on his/her own "weight loss goals" rather than on a "journey."

For me, I just allowed life to get in the way of being healthy. As I have aged, my body has changed. The way I metabolized the food that I did consume changed. In addition, I thought to myself (really did think it), "hey you have been thin all of your life - eating and drinking whatever you want is not going to have that kind of an impact on you. You won't gain weight." Well, I was totally wrong. Once I started down that path, of course, the food and alcohol I was consuming took it's toll on my body. I became lethargic, unmotivated, and lazy. I stopped being healthy in essence. All my choice. I did have life events that happened, which I know contributed to the endocrine imbalances, etc. But I am a well educated person, and I really should have known that as I aged, began menopause, endured the stress of life, I would eventually have to eat healthier and exercise more to maintain my thin appearance. Unfortunately, I DIDN'T realize all of that until I was at 200 lbs (actually weighed in on june 25, 2010 at 199 - so was probably over 200 at some point before that weigh in). When I saw photos of myself at my adopted dad's funeral and the 6th birthday party of my youngest grandson, I could no longer deny that I was in actuality now "obese." I had been lying to myself still thinking I "wasn't that person." Well, I was wrong. Once I realized that, I also had to really take a good hard look at my entire way of living. I had to recognize my areas in need of improvement - be brutally honest with myself - not allow myself any slack at all - and then I had to take action. Since I am a relatively linear thinker, I decided I needed a plan. I adopted my chow, Willow, knowing that having her to walk every day would definitely be a motivating factor for me. She needed to be healthy and I needed to get healthy, so it seemed like the place to begin. I adopted her on June 25th and we started walking the morning of the 26th. At first I was only able to walk around the 1 mile walk path and back and it took me nearly an hour. I did it again that night and really felt the pain in my legs, back, feet, etc. I kept it up though doing it every morning and every night for about 3 weeks. Then my brothers came up from Oklahoma to work on my house for 4 weeks and I found myself walking a lot less frequently. After they left on the July 30th, I went right back to walking again in the morning (very early to avoid the heat) and late at night again. I found that I could do the 2 miles in 40 minutes by that point because I had already reduced my weight by nearly 20 lbs. Then, I found MFP on August 13th and I began to monitor my caloric intake - was horrified when I saw how many calories I was consuming and how bad my food choices were. I immediately cut out most of the really bad foods and increased my exercise. Now, I can walk about 6 miles in about 1 1/2 hours. I can easily do 30 minutes of intense recumbent bike routines. I continue to work towards becoming a healthier and happier me - no more laziness, lack of motivation, denial.

Vickie

BrendaKayS

for me it is about low self-worth. I've journaled and thought about this a lot over the years. I gave up on myself. I figure it's like thinking about the people in your life --- if there is someone you love and care for and who you think is a really great person, you want to help that person, be kind to them and take care of them when you can. If there is someone you hate, someone you find repulsive and disgusting and just can't stand to be around you are not very likely to work hard to take care of them. I pretty much hated myself. I have some deeper reasons why I thought that hate started but I know that once I started to hate myself I stopped trying to take care of myself.

I also think that in my quest to try to be "perfect" for everyone around me I just let myself go. I wanted my house to be perfectly clean, I wanted my kids to have everything emotionally that I never had. I gave EVERYTHING to everyone else in hopes it would make me "better" but in the meantime I didn't take time for myself. I'd skip my workouts if I was behind in laundry or if I hadn't seen hubby for a few evenings. Even though I actually love working out I just felt too guilty taking that time to myself. I'd feed the kids this healthy balanced meal but I'd clean the kitchen while they ate and order a pizza for myself later.

Sometimes it'd hit me --- what? you want the bathroom to sparkle but you are walking out of the house in size 24 sweat pants?

I knew it'd gotten bad when I stopped wearing make-up. I no longer cared if I had on a decent shirt. I'd go a few years without a coat. I just stopped caring about myself altogether.

The good part is I'm learning how I got here. The hard part is learning how to change those behaviors and thoughts. I can stick with counting calories and working out pretty easily - but figuring out how to like myself is really tough.

bsexton3

First, my biggest weight was 25 pounds more than here, since i lost it about five years ago, I did not include it. At my biggest, I was 255 and 6'0".

What got me there, besides enjoying my own baking, was denial. With struggles at work, growing children, and not paying attention, the weight went on. I could always point at someone that was bigger than me. When I had to buy a pair of jeans size 40, I knew it was time to lose weight. Got down to a 36. This past year, I was needing to buy a pair of 38, and decided it was time to be below obese and try to be in a healthy weight range.

When I lost weight five years ago, I got to my current weight (210) for a brief time before it went up to 225 where it stayed ever since. One day, my young son, said, "Let's run home from school." (about 1/4 mile). I ran with him. When we got home, his eyes were big and said to mom, "Dad ran home." He was shocked. Woke me up that I was overweight if he was amazed to see me run. I hope to get light enough that I can run a 10K or even half marathon. That will take another 20 pounds off the knees.

joan41

I think a lot of times when you are a Mom, and Wife, you put everyone elses needs before your own. I just got so involved in caring for my children, my sick mother, and my husband, that I didn't exercise, and just didn't take the time to make good food choices. This past Summer I just said, I have got to take better care of myself now, so that I will able to take care of my children forever, and so that my husband and I can live a BETTER, HAPPIER, Healthier life. I didn't intentionally get this size, but I just put everyone else above myslef. Sometimes even now when I take my hour walk, I feel like I should be doing somethng for my husband, or my kids. But then I remind myself, that when I am healthier, I am! Last week, I couldn't exercise but 30 minutes because I had too much going on, and my oldest said Mama you are happier when you get your exercise. So even they can see that I am a better person when I get my ME time!

mommacarrie423

I can't remember not being "overweight" but after i had my daughter (and weighing 145 the day i left the hospital) her father became abusive. I fell into depression (reason 1) and ended up moving in with my parents to get away from him. My parents didn't make me work (reason 2, laziness) because they had all the bills and such covered. When i did get a job it was at a restaurant where we served burgers, fries, and milkshakes (well, we had more than that, but thats what i ate, reason 3). so, there, 3 reasons worth over 15 pounds each. My starting weight with MFP was 195. I'm free of the abuse and depression (YAY!) and living on my own (so no more laziness), plus i have a job in a restaurant (but as a server now so i'm very active and not eating the food all the time!) hopefully, each of those things will help me get rid of AT LEAST the 50 pounds I have gained over the last 3.5 years!!

superwmn

I hated myself.

Hating myself was too much for me to live with, so I ate to escape the constant pain.

I thought the 'core reason' was more complicated, but when I looked at what drove me to eat in the moment I was reaching for food my body didn't need, I realized that I was ALWAYS reaching for food to escape and comfort myself. My boss yells at me, I have a craving; fight with my husband, craving; don't like what I see in the mirror, craving...

I wanted my boss, my husband, the WORLD to love me because I didn't love me.

Deciding to love myself 100% as I was changed my life and started this journey.

Charmagne

Christie23

For me, it was a series of things. What I am learning is that I don't think I ever really claimed a great self-esteem. Liking myself was tough for me... and even when I found that I got to a place where I DID, I did "in spite of" lots of things. But where that was the root of it, I had a major trifecta... my only daughter had a high risk pregnancy that was terrifying and scary (she was born with a condition called Gatroschisis and was in NICU for some time after birth). I became LITERALLY consumed with worry and responsibility. Ultimately, this impacted my marriage. He and I fell apart. So, I switched misery gears and began to feel guilty for allowing Ava's (my daughter) world to be so affected. Then, my breaking point finally came... Ava was diagnosed with autism about 2 years ago. I came undone. I felt overwhelmed with guilt because I felt like I was unable to protect her from ANYTHING. I fell to the end of my own priority list. I self-medicated and drank a bottle, sometimes a magnum of wine a night. I had no idea how to process my own feelings about any of these things... all I knew to do was jump into action and take care of her. Meanwhile, I sabotaged myself entirely. I was angry with me. For her. I was angry with everything, really. A new man came into my life just in time to watch me self-destruct. I gained over 50 lbs during our first year together. I think for all of us who have gained a lot of weight, it's a snowball effect. The initial emotionality is what triggers it, but as you gain, you feel disgusted with yourself and just kinda give up. The bigger you get, the more depressed about it you become, the more you excuse the bad choices you make.

Anyhoo... I am happy to report that Ava is just fine. She is in Kindergarten now and has had so many opportunities come her way. I am so thankful for that. I still champion to raise autism awareness and funds for families affected, but I no longer have something to prove to myself for doing it. I am still with that man... he has loved me through it all. I still have an occasional drink, but it is no longer medicine or used to help me sleep at night. I still have a long way to go with my weight loss goals, but I feel like my focus on track... I am determined. And I like me a LOT more now. Each day is a work in progress, but I keep getting better and better. So... you know... bring on tomorrow!! :bigsmile:

VeryKerri

For me, I have been fat since the summer I turned 5 and throughout my life I just got progressively bigger and bigger. I hit my highest weight of 331 in May 2010. I knew my whole life I needed to do something about my weight. I never ever really tried. I have done some searching about this myself. I have a very loving supportive family. My parents have been married my whole life. I have an older sister and younger brother who are both now married and we are just one big "happy" family. Except we aren't. We each have our own battles. Mine is food. I equate food with being happy. All my childhood memories involve eating, functions with food with family and friends. If you are sad, have some cake, you will feel better. If you are mad, lets go out to eat, it will make you feel better. I realized too late, that it wasn't the food that made me feel better, it was the familial support. Knowing I could turn to my family for whatever I needed and they would be there. I just have to convince them that food shouldn't be a part of it anymore. I know that they will eventually come around. It will just be a slow process for them. I am breaking the cycle for me and my children so my kids wont ever have the same crutch. I am going to lose the weight and keep it off. I have learned how to do it. I will probably always need MFP or something like it, but I am a different person now than I was just 6 months ago. Physically and MENTALLY.

FelipaJ

It was a defense mechanism.
Here's a blog I wrote about it:
http://www.johnisfit.com/2010/04/02/facing-the-whys-of-what-you-do/

It was written by me as a guest blogger on someone elses blog.

bloodbank

for me it is about low self-worth...

Sometimes it'd hit me --- what? you want the bathroom to sparkle but you are walking out of the house in size 24 sweat pants?

I knew it'd gotten bad when I stopped wearing make-up. I no longer cared if I had on a decent shirt. I'd go a few years without a coat. I just stopped caring about myself altogether.

Wow, this really speaks to me... I could have written this and now I guess I have a lot to think about.

Christie23

for me it is about low self-worth...

Sometimes it'd hit me --- what? you want the bathroom to sparkle but you are walking out of the house in size 24 sweat pants?

I knew it'd gotten bad when I stopped wearing make-up. I no longer cared if I had on a decent shirt. I'd go a few years without a coat. I just stopped caring about myself altogether.

Wow, this really speaks to me... I could have written this and now I guess I have a lot to think about.

ME TOO!!!! This is exactly how I became at my worst as well...

Charlie001

I developed medical issues. Had to stop training. I always ate super clean. Pl;ain chichen, tuna can on a stick etc. I made the mistake of having a pepsi one day. Had not had pop in years. Two days later I had 4 x 24 cans in my garage. Of couse I added in daily portions of pizza, BK, Mc D etc. I got to the point where for lunch I would have a double wopper with a side order of wopper. I realized I was in troble when I could not fit in 38 pants. Made the desision to reclaim myself and so here I am.

crbirt

For me, it started when I was pregnant with my first child (I have 3 now) and I started allowing myself to eat ice cream every day, and basically whatever I wanted when I was preggie, because I was ALLOWED to gain weight. I didn't listen to my hubby, to my doctor, who tried to tell me that I might be gaining too much weight (my hubby told me politely, the doctor not so much). Then when I had my baby, I developed post partum depression that turned clinical before I got treatment. I started to lose weight, I got back down within 15 pounds to pre-baby, then the meds helped me gain that weight back. From there, I sort of gave up, and with each baby I put on more weight. By the time I had my youngest, I weighed 275!!! I just remember thinking this is unacceptable. I was eating as much as my husband! My eating was totally out of control. I would eat and hide it, because I didn't want people judging me for how much I ate. One of my coworkers, who was older, decided to try this HcG diet, and I decided against that diet, but I used that to push me to lose weight. Basically I didn't want to be pushing 50 and still overweight! I also didn't want my kids to be ashamed to be seen with me because I was fat! They can be embarrased to be seen with me for other reasons!

I'm now actually thinner than I was before I met my husband, leaner not lighter. I'm still about 20lbs to my goal weight, but I'm not sweating it too much at this point. I am no longer worried I'll pull a Kirstie Alley. You know, lose a ton of weight and within a year, gain it all back. I feel that I wouldn't/couldn't do that to myself again. I'm told I look 10-15 years younger, and I definitely feel younger. I feel that I'm saving my own life by my weight loss, and I would not go back.

My goals/rewards
SW - 275 lb 6/19/09
CW - 144.4 lb. 11/5/10
GW - 125 lb. 12/15/10 - I'm going home for Christmas!


Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools

jdsouthernbelle

I literally gained 100lbs being on the depo shot for 2 years. The pounds slowly crept on...5 here, 10 there, etc. I didn't notice until my Dr. reviewed my records and then it was like a slap in the face. But during that time I also went thru deaths in the family, divorce, moves, etc.

knittygirl52

Frankly, for me it was trying to be TOO thin.

Before I had my children, I lost 56 pounds on Weight Watchers. I became a WW lecturer, and kept the weight off for over a year before I became pregnant with my son. I carefully monitored my weight gain during my pregnancy, allowing myself to gain ONLY the 25 pounds that the doctor said was the minimum I should gain. (Actually, because he felt I was underweight at the beginning of my pregnancy, he wanted me to gain 35.) All my careful calculations told me I should wind up with only 5 or 10 pounds to lose at the end. Well, I wound up losing only 10 pounds giving birth to a child who weighed just under 7 pounds, so I had 15 to go. With breastfeeding, my bra size went from a 32AA before I got pregnant, to a 34D at the height of breastfeeding. Not that I ever admitted it to myself, but those puppies had to weigh SOMETHING!

I was totally unable to shake the last 10 pounds. In retrospect, I was healthier and looked much better with them than without them, but I could not accept anything less than "perfection." I threw in the towel. By the time I got pregnant with my second child, I weighed as much as I had when I first joined WW, and of course I went up from there. My second child is now 26 and says I am the thinnest that she ever remembers seeing me. (Actually, I've been a couple of pounds lighter than this in what should be her memory, but obviously I was there for such a short period of time that she dismissed it from her mind.)

The morale of this story is this: your fit weight is not a number carved in stone. You are not "bad" if you weigh 5 or 10 pounds more than you did in high school. Maybe you are more muscular. Maybe you have just finished developing your adult body. Maybe you were too thin once. The name of this game is to get fit. That means eating right and exercising to a strong, healthy body. You might even decide to stop when you still have a little bit of pudge. That's okay if you are eating right and exercising--as long as it is not putting you in the obese category.

blel0906

Wow thas a deep question...I slowly put on weight over 20 years with the worst of it over the past 5. I wasn't taught bad eating habits and I wasn't heavy when I was younger. I think some of my issues started with a bit of rebellion LOL. We were not allowed soda in the house growing up and fast food was treat we had maybe twice a year..When I got out on my own I freely endulged in these things which eventually led to some really bad habits. I'm also lazy at heart.

Whille I've always been self concious of my weight, I was always concious of my appearance..The last 5 years have been very stressful and led to some depression..One day I looked in the mirror and was not happy with the image looking back at me...What happened? I looked like someone that no longer cared, its not the image I want to present to the world. I've been slowly working on rebuilding my self esteem over the past year and its time to refocus on this area of my life.

I know I'll never be a fitness/nutrition fanatic, I am lazy at heart...I may not ever have a perfectly proportioned body again and thats OK...For me this is a lifestyle change and as i repair the inside, i want the outside to reflect that as well. I want to be healthy, confident ,vibrant and strong.

chandnikhondji

How did it start... well i was always overweight, not much but still. Started with my parents teaching me how bad it was to not eat it all "tomorrow will be rainy if you don't eat" and remember i did not want to be blamed from all the people not liking rain, until a certain age i even believed that rain was caused by not-all-eaters.

But it got worse when my depression started. I stopped to care about myself because in my really down times i did not feel like it does matter how i look nobody liked me anyway. Then there came people who liked me but they did despise how i looked, so there was no need to change anything. On the contrary it got even worse, nobody seemed to mind, plus my ongoing depression and the "not caring for myself" side-effect were still in place.

It was really bad already when i went to a second chance school, i collapsed and got diagnoed diabetes with a weight of about 500lbs. A doctor said if i don't change anything i won't reach my 40th birthday. I got frightened but it was not enough to actually change something i don't know why.

In the last 2 years i gained more weight, my depression got worse until i hit rockbottom. My chair collapsed under me, the first and second time i still pretended that the material just sucked.. but after the 4th i really cried all night i knew it was me. But i didn't change still. Then there was this one evening, i was still in a really low point of my depression, my poor boyfriend had to endure this for over 8 years now and was devastated that he could not help me.

Well i wanted to stand up from my chair and supported myself on a shelf that is next to my desk, as i always do. This time the board collapsed under the weight and all my books and organizers fell out of it. I was crying instantly.. to calm down i wanted to take a shower and got stuck in the doors of it, only with some severe squeezing i got in. When i came out and sat down again, still crying i clenched my fists and said out loud "It's enough, i can't take this anymore."

I told friends about what happened and one of them told me of MFP, that was the evening i joined and the next day started my new life.

SMJ64

I was overweight my whole life and was very depressed about it from about age 14 to present. The only way I could see to "medicate" my chronic depression was through food, usually sugar. I believe it's an addiction to the endorphins one feels from sugar/food. It is a guaranteed free/legal high...with consequences. I'm 46 now, it's been a long road that included bulimia for 10 years. Healing takes time, effort, faith and help from outside sources. I never was really conscious about 'giving myself permission to gain weight'. It was totally UNCONSCIOUS and about survival.

s.

bsexton3

chandnikhondji

Thanks for your story. May you find the strength and joy to stay on this path to new life.