Partner trouble

Thetimehascomeforchange

Has anyone else encountered the weirdness that is their partner making un-supportive comments and almost certainly wanting you to fail ?

'You will never manage', 'why bother?' etc........

Must be some strange syndrome, but the negativity really hurts!

However what don't kill you makes you stronger.

Craig

Adaniel65

I think it comes down to insecurity on their part... You're working on improving yourself and they may feel that when you reach your goals you may look elsewhere...

Thetimehascomeforchange

You could well be right, how sad

amberj32

It could be true what Adaniel65 said. Maybe they are unhappy with something within themselves. Just try and stay positive and keep eating healthier, staying under your macros and working out. Stay positive!!

Adaniel65

Just do you... I mean obviously don't start getting fit and make them feel inadequate b/c perhaps they're not. Just log your food, do your workouts, be loving to your partner and hopefully all will go well.

Keep me posted! I'm pulling for you!!

meluhneekay

More often than not, this stuff comes from a place of secret envy. They wish they could do what you're doing, but they feel like they wouldn't be able to, and project those feelings of inadequacy on to you. I got a lot of this from friends who smoked when I quit smoking. They started a betting pool on how long it would be before I gave in. It WAS super hurtful. I simply told them, "hey, you guys are being serious jackholes, and I don't hang out with jackholes, so peace out." Eventually most (not all) of them swallowed their pride and apologized and admitted that it was coming from a place of jealousy, that they wished they had my willpower.

So, my suggestion is that if your partner is saying stuff like that to, tell them that it hurts you. Explain why. Then, maybe invite them to work out with you or cook a healthy meal with you. If they say that they don't care, or laugh your feelings off, kick them to the curb. Seriously. You deserve better.

jenniferv38

I would guess that they are insecure and a little afraid about how your weight loss will change you, your feelings about them, and/or your relationship. Also, the fact that you are motivated to make changes in your life might be shedding some light on changes that they might need to make but are not yet ready to recognize. For whatever reason (whether they are aware of it of not) your attempt to lose weight and become healthier is making them uncomfortable and their "world" might feel a little threatened. People tend to find safety and security in their relationships. When the boat begins to rock, they start taking counter measures to make it steady again. Have you tried telling them how you feel about their comments? Have you tried reassuring them?

Thetimehascomeforchange

Thanks all.

Its just makes me all the more determined.

I wont tell her she is hurting me as I suspect that may well be what she feeds on.

Watch me go

Craig

ktroiano1983

My partner trouble is kind of the opposite. My husband has always been 5'8", 165 lbs. Runs 4-5 miles every single day, is in perfect shape, etc. I, on the other hand, well, I'm on MFP for a reason. Every time I tell him I'm trying to "get healthy" (my code for lose weight), he starts feeling bad, like he's making me do it (which he's definitely not) and will say something like, "have ONE more piece of [insert food]" and will slide it on to my plate or other similar actions. Like it's his way of telling me he loves me no matter what I look like. I love him for him loving me no matter what, but I knows he'd prefer me thinner rather than in the 190s and I don't like being sabotaged.

So what I've learned to do is not tell him I'm trying to lose weight. That way he's not sliding anything onto my plate, etc. Rather, he just thinks I'm not as hungry.

Weight loss is a personal journey. Don't let anyone get in the way of that, no matter what form (words, actions) sabotage comes from.

sassyjae21

Thanks all.

Its just makes me all the more determined.

I wont tell her she is hurting me as I suspect that may well be what she feeds on.

Watch me go

Craig

If your partner feeds off hurting you, it's time to find a new partner.

Texusmc

Thanks all.

Its just makes me all the more determined.

I wont tell her she is hurting me as I suspect that may well be what she feeds on.

Watch me go

Craig

If your partner feeds off hurting you, it's time to find a new partner.

what she said!

Pirate_chick

Thanks all.

Its just makes me all the more determined.

I wont tell her she is hurting me as I suspect that may well be what she feeds on.

Watch me go

Craig

If your partner feeds off hurting you, it's time to find a new partner.

what she said!

Ditto!

Zohar94

I think the opposite! i think you should tell here that she hurts you. If she loves you more or less she would not want to hurt you and will try to stop it.
Or ask her why she makes this comment?
I actually think it is very weird that she does it. so you should talk about it. (but i am lucky with a supersupportive partner)

dinosaurparty

I don't know if there are other things that have happened in your relationship to make you think that she's intentionally hurting you (and if there are by all means ignore me. You know your partner better than an internet stranger). But I agree with the people suggesting that she might be acting unsupportive because she feels insecure about herself and that this issue has sort of been dragged into the light now that you're taking steps to improve yourself. She might be scared that she won't be 'good enough' for you anymore. I only say this because I've had a girlfriend who acted similarly, and she didn't realise how the things she was saying sounded until I said something. Jealousy and insecurity can do that to people.

You should totally call her out on this, by the way. She's your partner and she should support you. It might be that she doesn't realise how hurtful she's being - and if she does (and is in fact hurting you intentionally) well, isn't it better to have that out in the open?

ayron102

Pre-response: I don't have a partner, so I'm not 100% qualified ... but... here goes:

I've dealt with people - in general, friends, etc - saying things like that to me. Either offering me more food, laughing at me, or saying sure you'll get better. A lot of posters here have it right. It's secret envy. But, there's one thing I think is even more important:

Confront the attitude and be honest. I saw someone say "find a new partner" - cmon, there is always struggles and things to work through. I think about my own life and my work life - I worked with someone who was a huge jerk all the time. In more of a fit of anger than planned-conflict, I confronted them and said "what's the deal with all this." They knew they were doing it but - because I was a "big guy" they thought I could handle it (imagine that, cuz my frame is larger, that increases my ability to accept criticism? how illogical!) Anyway, in the future I plan to have more control and address those problems sooner.

Anyway, my point here: I agree with the people who say you should and CAN confront your partner. But do it in a loving way, take time to think about it before... and whatever you do, do not allow yourself to complacently suck up any abuse in your life any more! At least for me, that's why I got here... and here is no good - far away from the path I'm finding my way back to again.

Marlena0708

Some people are just negative, glass half empty kinds of folks. It has absolutely nothing to do with you. When people are unhappy, negative, and bitter on the inside they tend to "act it out" on us. You're just the unfortunate player on her stage and a convenient target because she knows (or believes) that you'll put up with it. See, I can tell her to *kitten* off and take her negativity elsewhere - no biggie. You don't really have that option without starting a sh*tstorm. You can either ignore the digs, try to have a pleasant "talk" about your feelings, or just tell her to bugger off. The ball's in your court.

You're a grown man. Decisions about what to do with your body are YOUR decisions. Not hers. If she can't understand or respect that then she really needs some work on boundaries.