getting divorced

HandNik

I'm separating right now, and as far as I can see, there's no wrong way to feel at anytime, it's what you do with the feelings that matter. I think you can probably say what you want to him, he'll take that however he will.

happysquidmuffin

My husband and I went through a rough patch after 22 years together. We, well really I, contemplated divorce. He is the extrovert, I am the introvert. Before I really had explored that part of our personalities, I just thought he was loud and liked to party. I would come home from work and he would bombard me with questions and stories, following me around the house. I needed to recharge in a quiet room from being at work all day (he's disabled) and he needed to interact to recharge because he had basically been alone all day. He was overwhelming to me and I was really starting to dislike being around him at all, even though he was and is a really nice guy.

We went to marriage counseling (because he wanted to, I wasn't interested in saving our marriage at that point) and on the weekend before I was going to ask him to move out, I started thinking about our lives together and I became very sad that I was going to lose so much of my/our history. He was out of town with friends and I had a very long, sad weekend. I was able to reflect and think and really work through all of my feelings and emotions, something I hadn't been able to do because I never had a moment's peace. That's when I realized that deep down I loved him and couldn't imagine finding anyone who was a better fit or who shared the core values that we both had.

We worked things out and are happier now than we have ever been in our marriage. I am so glad I was able to work things through in my mind and realize what a mistake I was making. He now realizes that I need my quiet time and I now realize that he needs us to go out and do things where there are lots of people. I can make that compromise and so can he.

Thank you for sharing your story! So many people get divorced at the wrong time, for the wrong reasons... Marriage is NOT a perfect end-all be-all magical fairytale of happily ever after. It takes work and sacrifice and real unconditional love... and sometimes it is ourselves that need changing, not our spouses. So glad it worked out for you two! Marriage should be for life, for better or WORSE, because the worse times will happen and we can use them to grow stronger together. Also, I loved that essay on about how marriage isn't for "you," it's about making your spouse happy. AMEN!

_Waffle_

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “You’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish. My side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears.

To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.

I hope you just forgot to give credit to Seth Adam Smith for this article.

You're f!king kidding me right?...Get a grip. Thanks

"Plagiarism is not a crime per se but in academia and industry, it is a serious ethical offense." - wikipedia

JBfoodforlife

Many great things said here about marriage and divorce... My point would be this... It takes two people to make a marriage work... It takes two people to sacrifice and be willing to put the other before themselves... When you are in a relationship where one half does not think there is a problem with the way they treat you (Hence, disrespect and controlling behaviors) It is time for you to make a decision... I am not saying therapy wont help, but generally speaking people are who they are and though they may change for a short time, they will almost always revert back to who they are... I would never automatically recommend someone to get divorced if they are unhappy... I would recommend they find out why they are unhappy and see if they can change it... I wouldnt expect anyone to stay in a relationship that is unhealthy either physically or emotionally... My 2c ...

JoshTheGiant

You're f!king kidding me right?...Get a grip. Thanks

Maybe don't post something from a published article that you didn't write and pass it off as your own? That might be a good starting point. Plagiarism is plagiarism, regardless of intentions. Secondly, don't react with a defensive tantrum when someone finds out you plagiarized and confronts you on the issue. This is a public forum. Act accordingly and refrain from embarrassing yourself and the intelligence of the other users. Thanks.

*I cite myself as the author of this post. Apparently no writing is safe around this forum anymore.

sillygoosie

[/quote]

You're f!king kidding me right?...Get a grip. Thanks
[/quote]

I think I was fairly polite about it. I read that article a few months ago and I thought it was great. If I wrote something that was worthy of quoting, I would hope to get credit for it.

ETA: I apologize for derailing this thread. Carry on.

Sam_I_Am77

So I can't really post this on Facebook yet Bc of the inevitable drama, but I am getting divorced and just would like some thoughts, and advice I suppose.
Back story, im an outgoing, people person who is constantly getting distracted by fun (I come off as pretty awesome in this story lol) and my soon to be EX a homebody that could look at a book or be alone all day and likes to study and learn boring (in my opinion) things. If you know the personality types im an ESFP and he's an INTJ.

Thing is...im not really sad about leaving the marriage. I tried a couple times before, we just are super different. What makes me sad is little things. Our checking accounts are still connected and I get alerts that he is overdrawn even though he's got the money to pay his bills, I had to leave my cats with him Bc he kept the house (didn't want to stay there its not worth anything) and now he's got to be responsible for those cats all alone, and I think of him eating alone in his home that he loves with no one else.

its like pity that I feel for him, I don't want to try to work it out Bc I've tried.
Anyone else gone thru this type of emotions while going thru a divorce?

Hi,

I got divorced a little over 2 years ago and our relationship was long over, should've divorced sooner. We both went through a lot of emotion and guilt and even afterwards kept hanging out and hooking up. I gave her everything in the divorce and took all the debt, just so we could move on and she would be okay. I felt a ton of guilt for leaving the marriage after 11 years, but we just didn't work and we were both horribly miserable.

My advice... Move on completely, don't continue to hangout if you don't have to, cut it. Even if you don't think you need it, get divorce counseling before you enter into another serious relationship. I thought I was ready for a relationship sooner than I really was and ended-up hurting somebody because I wasn't. I was honest with her when I figured it out, but it still sucked. One day I finally figured out what I wanted, dated a little, ended-up meeting somebody, and am now happily married. The good thing about being divorced is that you learn what you want and what you will not tolerate, so you're much wiser going into the next serious relationship or at least I was. Just my two-cents for you...

sheleen302

While this is nowhere near what you're going through, I stayed with one of my ex-boyfriends for longer than I should have because I was afraid to leave him alone. He had so few friends, hardly ever went out, etc. I was afraid he'd just wither away in a depression. I finally bit the bullet, though, and decided that just sticking it out wasn't good for either of us. I was worried, but he was a grown man and responsible for himself.

A year and a half later, out to dinner with my now-fiance, I saw my ex at the bar with a stunning brunette. Ran into him again a few years later at a Comic Convention (I date nerds). My ex was a grown man and when he wasn't happy staying in or being by himself, clearly he was able to get up and get out and have a good time. Though we haven't spoken in years I think it was better for both of us.

When your ex is unhappy with his lifestyle, he'll get up and do something different. Trust him, at least, to know what makes him
happiest while you clearly know what makes you happiest.

^^This makes total sense to me. Good luck to both of you.

_GingerSnap_

I'm so sorry OP, divorce sucks even in the best of circumstances.

I think I understand where you're coming from. Even though we didn't "fit" for a long time it is still difficult to not worry about your ex. My ex and I had always made better friends than husband and wife and I think that's part of why I had worried about his well being so much at first. I did the same thing as you, walked away from the house so he could keep it and at first I worried he'd be sitting around being sad, but that is something he will have to work through on his own, in his own time.

You can care about your ex's well being and his feelings, but do not put them before your own. I didi that for the first few months and realized I had to just stop and take care of myself. While putting yourself and your happiness first will feel both strange and selfish, it's what you'll need to do.

Best of luck to you.

Watch_Me_Rise

I just really liked this article and wanted to share:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-love/201103/attractions-inspiration-and-attractions-deprivation

Edited to add: I'm also sorry to hear about this.. I hope you can find happiness..

Timshel_

It's a choice, simple as that.

If you look at how different you two are you will never find the common things that keep you respecting each other. If you do it for long enough, you won't respect the marriage.

It is that type of self-brainwashing in our lives that leads to all kinds of issues.

Not saying you should work it out, but keep that in mind moving forward in life.

MSeel1984

This makes me sad. What drew you two together in the first place? Were you not who you were then? How long have you been married? Any kids from the relationship?
Not sure what you want to hear, but it sounds like either you shouldn't have married in the first place, or you are just looking for reasons to be single again.
Having personality differences is not a bad thing. My hubby and I are very different socially, but we compliment each other. Over the past 17 years, he has become more social, and I have become a little more of a homebody. Yeah, in the beginning it was a little frustrating that he didn't like to go to social events, or would want to leave way earlier than I did, but we worked thru that.

Marriage is not always easy. You celebrate your differences and see what each person can learn from the other.

So look at the qualities that you liked in him, that made you want to marry him. Are these qualities still there?

^I mean...yeah, this.

Did you try counseling? Why did you end up with this person if you are that different AND these differences bother you so much?

Booksandbeaches

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “You’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish. My side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears.

To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.

I hope you just forgot to give credit to Seth Adam Smith for this article.

You're f!king kidding me right?...Get a grip. Thanks

I recognized the post you posted and I wondered why you were passing it off without any credit to the person who wrote it. The way you posted it, it looks like YOU came up with that wonderful insight. I don't know why you didn't give credit to the blogger who wrote it.

There's no need to get all rude about it. You're the one in the wrong. You could easily have edited your post to put the author's name.

Beautiful_disaster40

I'm the poster child for what not to do during a divorce. I was like you and felt responsible for him and his happiness. I had done everything for him during our marriage and he was welcomed into my family because his is highly dysfunctional and he cut ties with them but even though my family welcomed him with open arms he kept his distance so I was the his only friend/family basically besides our children and it became suffocating to me. I dragged things out for about 4 years, longer if I'm honest because I worried about him and knew he wouldn't be able to create a life for himself but what I've learned during that time is that I am not responsible for him. What choices he makes from now on are his and hopefully he'll make good ones for our kids. The first time we separated I found him a place to live, bought everything he would need and had all the utilities hooked up and even helped him move, this time I'm taking care of me. He's a grown man and needs to learn how to do these things for himself and also show his kids that he can take care of himself and them so they can see how responsible adults act. I still feel guilty sometimes but I'm learning how to resist old habits, his mistakes will be his own and he will learn from them. Divorce sucks, untangling yourself and your lives is very difficult but it can be done and eventually things get better and the guilt subsides. Good luck!

2dogzrule

Divorce totally sucks. Just starting the process and feeling totally icky.

2_FitNFab

I'm the poster child for what not to do during a divorce. I was like you and felt responsible for him and his happiness. I had done everything for him during our marriage and he was welcomed into my family because his is highly dysfunctional and he cut ties with them but even though my family welcomed him with open arms he kept his distance so I was the his only friend/family basically besides our children and it became suffocating to me. I dragged things out for about 4 years, longer if I'm honest because I worried about him and knew he wouldn't be able to create a life for himself but what I've learned during that time is that I am not responsible for him. What choices he makes from now on are his and hopefully he'll make good ones for our kids. The first time we separated I found him a place to live, bought everything he would need and had all the utilities hooked up and even helped him move, this time I'm taking care of me. He's a grown man and needs to learn how to do these things for himself and also show his kids that he can take care of himself and them so they can see how responsible adults act. I still feel guilty sometimes but I'm learning how to resist old habits, his mistakes will be his own and he will learn from them. Divorce sucks, untangling yourself and your lives is very difficult but it can be done and eventually things get better and the guilt subsides. Good luck!

^^^ Good for you!

readysetgo69

So when you were dating you didnt have these differences?
Or since you have lost weight and others have begun to flirt with you, you want that now?

seltzermint555

I understand where you're coming from. When my marriage ended, my ex and I didn't hate each other and it was very amicable.
I think when there's a lack of negative emotions/anger/rage it's easy to be bothered by other smaller things.

Exactly this.

OP, don't beat yourself up over it not working out. It doesn't have to be anyone's "fault".

Your ex will move on. He will be okay. He may make some bad choices like not paying his bills even when he has the means. I realized after a very amicable divorce following nearly 10 yrs of marriage that my ex husband wasn't as responsible fiscally as I imagined but had just followed my lead for the time we were married. I also had some connections after the split that allowed me to see the bad decisions he was making in the wake of our divorce and it was disturbing. I also harbored concern about him being alone and caring for "our" dog (she was awesome but primarily HIS dog so he kept her). I wasn't angry or bitter but I also did not want to try and make it work -- it was over.

My advice to you is to step back and remember that he will be okay, and he is no longer your responsibility in any way even though he was when you were married (and vice versa). Get things taken care of as far as the legal proceedings go, and separate in all ways including those joined accounts...even if you both completely trust each other, there is no need to see or know about one another's finances after you split up. Good luck!

sweetcurlz67

I'm the opposite, I'm the introvert, he's the extrovert, I got stuck with the worthless house he ruined. but I did pity him as he has his 'issues'. I was an enabler and had to learn to stop enabling him. it was really tough! but now the courts are enabling him and making me pay him alimony for the rest of his life. call that a stab in the heart!

the pity feeling will eventually go away. he will find his own way and he'll make it. and trust me, he's not the least bit concerned about you. move on with your life and concern yourself with you. you'll be happier in the long run. :flowerforyou: