Feeling lonely, vulnerable....anxious

SassyMoonbeams

Hey guys...

I wasn't really sure where to go with these weird feelings I've been having. They seem to pop up every couple of months or so. I feel it's important I process them...or at least bring them to the table so to speak...maybe...someone will be comforted from knowing they're not alone if they feel the same. Maybe someone can help? I know if I don't express them I will stuff them deep deep down and I'm tired of suppressing my feelings.

I have lost nearly 30lbs and am 120 from my goal. I have only had one serious boyfriend, who was long term for 6 years. We broke up twice...this last time was October of last year after I found out he was cheating and having a legit relationship with another girl. I found out on accident....I was so crushed....I actually wanted him to come back to me. Imagine that.

This devastated me.....I guess in some ways I haven't really completely healed yet, because I am finding that my self esteem is really struggling lately. I did nothing for weeks but sob...I'd go for a walk come home collapse on the couch and read advice on "how to get your man back" and sob helplessly like a dying animal until I'd finally pass out from exhaustion. It was some of the worst emotional pain I have ever felt.

I'm in a much better place now but I guess these things are reading their ugly little heads....these fears...and doubts.....worries..insecurities.....

Thing is, this guy used to be big.....he was around 300 and lost weight. Has loose skin to an extent...I accepted him. I was about 170lbs when I met him after having lost 50 lbs myself. He was always so loving of my looks and my body. When I started to get depressed (due to the fact that I was incredibly homesick) I started to gain weight, his attraction for me physically didn't waver. He was one of those people with high morals who wasn't into sleeping around, didn't drink, smoke, etc and took great pride in being unlike the majority of guys out there. I trusted him a lot until it all started to unravel and I knew something was going on.

Anyhow, I am so depressed lately, at the daunting prosect of falling in love..,being in a relationship again.....there are people I like online for instance but none of them know I'm on a weight loss journey. I suspect I will have loose skin....probably a lot of it...can't even comprehend any of these good looking men seeing me naked when it's all said and done and accepting me...and not only that, but loving me.

Even the flirting makes me sad....I flirt with people or if someone flirts with me, compliments....i just feel sad afterwards.....like....I'm just hollow and broken to the core . Part of it is how I feel about my body, my fears about my future body (ie he wouldnt be foirting with me if he knew how gross i look naked) and part of it is realizing the depth of the pain and hurt my ex inflicted upon me with his selfish actions. How will I trust somebody again after he, who I thought was THE most trustworthy, could do that to me? When these guys say these nice things to me I think to myself it's all just hot air and it's meaningless and they will say ANYTHING.

Can't comprehend how to get my head around any of it. Since he was my first and only boyfriend I guess it's hard to imagine being with somebody else and that it's possible to be vulnerable like that again.

Sorry for the long rant guys. And for the dour subject matter. ❤

pandabear_

I think it's normal to feel this way after getting out of a serious relationship and especially after how he treated you. The best thing to do is completely block out your ex from your mind. Delete him on facebook if you have to. Delete his number. He is your past now. Accept it and move on. Stop thinking about how nice he was for accepting you and your weight. He also cheated on you, so it's not exactly a saint. Accept it's over and that he was in fault and you're in a better place.

Now concentrate on yourself. Don't try to get into a relationship if you're not there yet. If you don't feel like flirting or cannot have fun doing it, then don't bother. Just be single for a while. You don't need a man in your life to be happy. You don't need their approval or attention. You don't need a replacement boyfriend. When you eventually start to feel happier within yourself, you'll probably meet someone then and it won't be so forced. Your ex won't even cross your mind for comparison.

Try concentrating on your goal. If you want to lose weight and reach 120 lbs you have to put all your effort into that. Boys are just keeping you away from reaching that goal. Go for a run, start a challenge, plan to run 30 minutes a day, plan to complete an exercise program, anything that you can do to distract yourself and look forward to accomplishing something.

Do it for yourself, not anyone else. You might be depressed because you're not active enough or don't have much change in your life right now, that can happen. I also felt this way, my ex also dumped me and has a new girlfriend. But my weightloss and happiness is nothing to do with him. I can either sit at home wallowing or I can get up and get the body I want for myself.

The best thing to do is exercise and get outside. It will make you feel better and less anxious. Aim to do at least 30 minutes of exercise every day. In time your feelings will change. Also talk to your friends and hang out with them.

PRMinx

Breakups are the worst. But, they happen for a reason. Don't try to get him back, you don't want to be with someone who did that to you.

Work on building your self-esteem and finding things that make you happy on your own. Rebounding into another relationship always sounds like a good idea but, believe me, it's not.

When you truly find yourself and know who you are - and I mean truly - get back out there. It's not as daunting when you're feeling great and happy with where you are in your life.

OliviaCounts

Do it for yourself, not anyone else. You might be depressed because you're not active enough or don't have much change in your life right now, that can happen. I also felt this way, my ex also dumped me and has a new girlfriend. But my weightloss and happiness is nothing to do with him. I can either sit at home wallowing or I can get up and get the body I want for myself.

This! It will get better. :flowerforyou:

SassyMoonbeams

Thank you for the advice guys :-)

I'm definitely not looking for a rebound...eventhough it's been almost a year I'm definitely not ready yet. Flirting though sometimes it can be nice as a distraction I guess. I know I probably shouldn't worry so much about it all and it's my anxious personality worrying excessively about things that haven't happened yet.

I workout almost every day and hard at that, so that's not it...but you're right I do need to try to focus on doing more things for myself, it's just been hard to have much passion for anything besides exercising.

I jus feel really lonely. I'm isolated and living in a country I desperately want to leave (working on that). I'm shy so social things are incredibly painful for me....

Yeah my weightloss isn't for my ex either, I don't care what he thinks of me. I'm doing it because it's a part of the bigger picture of what I want for myself and my life moving forward.

jacques57

Vulnerability is not a weakness. Vulnerability is the root of your courage. In spite of the pain and history of hurt, you get up, dust yourself off, and try again. And guess what!? You find out that the risks are worth it because you have changed and you respond to the next risk differently.

Good judgment comes from Experience. Experience comes from bad judgment. I have a LOT of experience! I also have a loving family and spouse, a cool job, and super friends, and a 2nd career as a performing professional magician which I am passionate about. All of these things came about because I failed at achieving them so many times but kept on letting myself be vulnerable to give it another shot. And each new attempt was tempered by what I had learned the last time.

Vulnerability is courage. You are courageous!

pandabear_

g.

I jus feel really lonely. I'm isolated and living in a country I desperately want to leave (working on that). I'm shy so social things are incredibly painful for me....

Then go to the doctors because it might be social anxiety, which I had also and was so shy and depressed for a long time. It really helped talking to a doctor about it and some of my feelings. They can recommend things. It really helps. I went to a group therapy, did CBT and took anxiety tablets and it really, really helped. But you can only do this if you tell your doctor.

Joanitude

Good judgment comes from Experience. Experience comes from bad judgment. I have a LOT of experience!

Well said! I am sure there are a lot of very <ahem> *experienced* folks here!

Linnaea27

It sounds to me like this is stuff that time will help heal-- and it does sound like you need to leave the country you're living in, too.

I know how the social worries and loneliness is. I went through that in college. It is very hard, and it scarred me (sometimes the emotional patterns I developed in that stage of my life come back, but that happens pretty seldomly) but it is something that can be gotten over. I think finding a way to live in a place where you're comfortable, instead of a place you hate, is a good first step. Once you're living somewhere you like and doing things you enjoy (at least SOME things) it will be easier to meet people who you want to be around. Associate with people who make you feel good, not those who are overly needy or drag you down-- you don't need someone else doing that to you when you are still getting over a very painful breakup.

You are working on your looks, so if you keep it up I think you will be much happier with yourself that way sooner rather than later! Loose skin can go away, especially for younger people.

I have a friend who was pretty overweight (she's never told me how big she was, but I know she lost a significant amount of weight at some point in the last 5-10 years). She was in several very, very bad relationships and just put up with so much crap. But, she finally got out of the last awful relationship a couple years ago, while she was still losing some of the weight (that's when I met her) and last year she met a wonderful guy who treats her very well, and they're very happy together. She does not have pristine skin by any means. . . and I think she's pretty self-conscious about it. But, her boyfriend apparently doesn't care and finds her very attractive and loves her very much!

So, imperfect skin is not going to prevent men from loving you!! If you slowly feel better about yourself and feel more confident, that will show. Confidence is attractive. And working on yourself like this, getting fit, and moving away from a place you do not like are all things that build strength and confidence.

As for the shyness and social situations being awful, do you have 1 friend who you can go to things with? I'm shy as well, and going somewhere with someone else is hugely helpful.

madhatter2013

OP, no one else is going to love you as long as you don't love yourself. Aside from the quoted poster, everyone here has given very sound advise. You thought he was someone he really wasn't and now you're dealing with the backlash. It happens to the best of us and we all get through it as will you. If you feel like you just can't get through it, see your doctor. Things will get better. with time.