my friend and her eating disorder

mommacarrie423

im writing tonight from a hospital room. my best friend is in the bed beside me. she is having major heart problems, among other things. the root of all the problems is her eating disorder. she is anorexic/bulimic and i am an enabler. i used to make her come to restaurants with me so she would eat. then, i'd stand idly by as she went into the bathroom immediately following. my relationship with food and hers are total opposites.
i love food. its almost an addiction, and certainly a habit.
she, on the other hand, says she feels dirty when food enters her body.
today, she ate a cup of vegetables. she left the remainder of her hospital food tray untouched. i accepted that as "enough" and let her send it back. then, when i got hungry, i went to subway. then she saw me log into mfp and add it to my food diary. i'm by her side and dont plan on leaving any time soon, but i dont know what to do to help, or if what i'm doing is hurting.
i also just wish she would understand that inside im dying because i can't fix her. and it makes me want to eat. but with my mfp plan i have to be very careful of what i eat, and if i eat too many calories, i too will feel dirty. i can't tell her that counting my calories has become a mini-obsession of mine, and how can i tell her to please excuse me while i carefully track every calorie and ingredient i put into my body.
i need support. for my friend and myself. here we go, mfp. help me, please.

AdventureVia

Why can't you tell her? Maybe ya'll can help eachother be healthy through proper tracking and digestion of food.

mommacarrie423

i just feel like with her in the hospital over this crap, me being this concerned with food will only be bad for her. right she needs to get as much nutrition as she can, and i feel terrible sitting 2 feet from her and worrying about how many calories my breakfast might have. not to mention i have enabled this, so i feel hypocritical sitting here now being sad about the condition she is in.

Katy213

But your calorie counting and watcing what you eat is healthy, hers is not. I know its very difficult, but if she sees that your way is the healthy way it can't be a bad thing. Good luck, I do not envy you your position x

mum23

sounds like you both have an unhealthy relationship with food. maybe the best people to talk to about it and share the issues with ( when she is out of hospital) would be each other.
you both have to stop obsessing, and not left food rule your life.
she is a person who eats to live, you are a person who lives to eat.
you need a middle ground.

pamp1emousse

This post is so sad, I'm so sorry. I suppose it's hard to appreciate how much you're hurting those around you when you're being so badly ravaged by an eating disorder, and if she could understand how much she was hurting you, you could argue she may not have become so ill in the first place. I guess all you can do is give her plenty of care and attention, show her you love her and try not to judge. Then she'll know she can go to you if she needs you.
It must be so difficult to stick with a diet when you're watching something so awful - I know when my grandmother came to visit recently (she's really badly anorexic too) all I wanted to do was eat so I could eat for both of us, but while she watched me I just felt gross. I guess all you can do is try your best to separate your eating issues from hers, manage your MFP diary when you're outside of her hospital room, even if it means excusing yourself to go to the bathroom or something, and then just focussing on her when you're with her.

I can't imagine how hard it must be to watch your friend hurt herself like that and be suffering so badly. I wish her better and massive good luck with your weightloss - I'm so impressed you're staying on track with all this going on! :flowerforyou:

mommacarrie423

thank you all so much. I'm glad that i am able to handle weight loss in a healthy fashion, and maybe she and i could work together to find a middle ground. Im sure she doesn't know how badly her eating disorder hurts me, but i don't want her to find out. This is her time for her, and i need to let it be. i'm trying my hardest to just be here for her, and God knows when she texted me a hospital number i filled my gas tank and drove 145 miles to be with her, no questions asked. she is my very best friend and watching her in this shape is very hard. and i feel like my successful week of dieting has given me control of my food intake. the stress is definitely testing it, but knowing she hasn't really eaten in 4 days (a cup of boiled broccoli and cauliflower and one bite of a banana nut muffin don't count as "eating" to me) makes me want to NOT EAT. kind of almost a self sacrifice. but at the same time i'm dying to go buy a sweet tea and large fry from mcdonalds. and most of my other friends dont have major weight issues like the two of us, so its hard to talk to them.

clioandboy

A truly awful situation, I too think that your interdependence and both your attitudes to food have gotta be unentwined - love her, love yourself and get you both some help.

Good luck to you and your friend, I do think there is hope but it is gonna take a lot of work - I dont think sneakily recording your developing obsession with mfp (one that I share) outside the hopsital room is any different to her sneakily purging after a meal - out of sight is not out of mind.

Our relationships with food are individual, personal and complex when it becomes a folie a deux - it is not doubly difficult it is 10 times more difficult IMHO, think clearly get an outside professional perspective to move you both on xxx really good luck

plainjoe81

You cannot "change" any person (ask any woman that's been married 5 or more years just how that's going). They have to change themselves, and in order to change themselves they have to WANT to change themselves. Your friend has already told you that her mind set is unhealthy by saying that she feels putting food into her body is dirty. She may or may not know that this thinking is wrong (the mind does weird things if you keep telling it the same things), but YOU know this thinking is wrong. You can discuss it with her to see if she thinks this is wrong, and should she agree with you push her towards the help she needs which is a doctor AND a support group. You have a computer. Research it on line in your local area. Tell her Dr. there at the hospital about her eating habits, let me repeat that, tell her doctor! Afraid that she will lose trust in you? Afraid she will stop being your friend? Dead friends aren't much fun.

When you locate the info on your computer provide it to her, especially the info for (1) A doctor who treats eating disorders, and (2) a local support group to help her. No luck on the computer? The hospital administration will help you, just ask, and keep asking. Keep discussing it with your friend. Best wishes.

sahramel

Hi, first of all, I wish all the best to your friend. It's so sad when weight and food become an obsession. I had some trouble throughout my highschool years where I would hide food in a bag that I'd not eaten so my parents would think I had. I lost a lot of weight and got referred to see a specialist via the hospital - but I was lucky, because although I acknowledge I had an obsession, I wouldn't say I was anorexic, but I was certainly on my way to being. I think what helped me was when I left my high school and started somewhere away from all my bullies and made new friends who accepted me as I was and gradually I put weight back on.

I think it's important to find out what's causing the anorexia with your friend. If it's the food that's the problem, then she needs to realise that food isn't dirty if you eat the right sorts. But if it's the weight, then you need to figure out why and when it became an issue.

As for you, I totally understand where you're coming from too. I am an emotional eater and I think it depends what's upsetting me as to whether I binge on rubbish or just don't eat. Unfortunately, I put on quite a bit of weight after a really tough loss and although I'm doing well losing it, I appreciate how hard it is. The reason I like MFP is because it really does help monitor calories.

I actually agree with what others have said tho, and I genuinely do think that you can help each other by opening up and discussing your obsessions and helping each other understand. It sounds like neither of you are happy as you are. She may not realise how bad you feel about your weight, and actually, having an anorexic friend probably (in the nicest way possible) isn't helping you feel good either. You prob feel even fatter than you are. I say this because in my late teens / early twenties, I thought I was fat. I had a friend who everyone seemed to fancy and all of our group thought she had this perfect figure - but looking back, I wasn't at all, and actually, she had a bit of a problem too where she barely ate anything. We all compared ourselves though and therefore, without realising, it was almost like we were in competition with each other to look better - and by look better, in our heads at the time, we thought that meant to be slimmer!!!!! It's a sad fact.

I also think you seem to feel guily about your friend. However, the fact is, if she was gonna vomit, she'd do it regardless of if you were there or not.

I think once an obsession starts, unless it's kcked in the bud early on, it's extremely hard to get out of.

I used to weigh myself every day, to the point that if I'd not lost anything I wouldn't eat for 2 days. If I did eat something, I felt guilty and then wouldn't eat for a further 2 days. It's because of my younger obsession that it made it so difficult for me to weigh myself in adult life because I have this fear that I'll get hooked like before. I was gutted when I finally dd weigh myself and I'm trying to kep it at a minimum, but I'd be lying if I said lately that I wasn't having that urge to hop on. It's always gonna be a battle - no matter which side of healthy weight you are.

Good luck to you both. You're clearly a good friend who cares a lot for her to be at her bedside x