I've been hacked! But not computer wise...

fatsuitprisoner

Hello all! Fat-suit Prisoner here…

I've struggled with my weight for the past 20 years. There was a time when I was in pretty darn good shape. I would run two to three miles per week. I used to jump rope for hours at a time. I used to box - both in the ring and for exercise, and I used to study - not practice - but study martial arts (aikido, jiujitsu)… But then after moving away, going to school, moving back home again, and deciding to pursue a career that involves sitting on my !@#$ all day pushing pixels around the screen as an art director, and now creative director, I've slowly expanded to the 500 pounds I am today. Although I am a fully functional 500 pound man, able to hold my weight very well, can get around surprisingly well, bend, lift, jump, and jog across the street - thank my Lord - sometimes I wonder if I will wind up being the large man who sleeps on the wooden pallets in the garage, because he's too heavy to get into the house?

The subject line above says, "I've been hacked! But not computer wise." Allow me to explain. As a creative director, I tell stories for the screen. It occurred to me just yesterday after watching one of my fav TV shows, that if I my body were like a "mech," i.e., one of those massive sci-fi robots with human pilots within, that I do in fact have control over my body (i.e., the mech). I have free will! But if that is true, I wonder, then why has my mech grown tired, heavy, weak, rusted and busted? Because my programming has been hacked! My code has been rewritten! Weird? I know… it is, but for those of you who LOVE sci-fi, this analogy will make sense.

I have a terrible food addiction. I love to eat, and I especially love buttery yumminess also known as comfort foods: potatoes, rice, bread, pasta, creamy this and that, etc. I do love vegetables, fruits, and lean meats, too, but come on… this forum is for truth tellers, not liars.

I've been on doctor-monitored diets before. I lost lots of weight, but for every pound I lost, I spend $25 bucks! It adds up. I've taken fad diets, lost nothing. I recently went on a diet that included shooting hormones into your belly each day and lost a lot of weight! I can lose weight. I always gain it back though. The same old bad programming comes back every time.

Deep inside of me is a warrior dying to get out. Inside I am lean, mean (well not that mean) and strong, but on the outside - dude, I can't even explain what's on the outside. Oh, fat! That's right.

My nemesis is a brat-like child within me that wants more. It always wants more. Did that taste good? Go get more! If it tastes good, then I want more. More. More, and more. I cannot seem to shut this damned thing up in my head.

So, I obviously do not like myself very much to continue to allow my hacker within to continually beat me down.

So, what do I do? How do I silence it? How do I re-write my code?

weblur

You've definitely taken the first couple of steps: you have that awareness and you've registered here.

The part of me that drives my overeating is a very young part. I've had to do a lot of work on that in therapy. I'm at a point where I am able to recognize (most times!) when that little kid is taking over and demanding food for comfort or stress relief. I actually have to tell that part of me, "I hear that you're stressed out/angry/sad/hurt/whatever, but we're still going to do this" - whether "this" is eating healthy food or taking a walk. It can get to sound like a broken record, but I have to do it.

I very grudgingly use what I used to call "psychobabble" but it's true: I have to reassure that inner child that I'm in charge and can consistently take care of her.

Another aspect of my recovery was being aware that I was at war with my body. That took even longer - to learn not to punish my body, to be in my body, and to take care of it.

I don't know if any of that helps. I wish you all the best!

mscheftg

I have to agree... you need to look at the psychological side of things. No matter how hard you try, if you are battling psychological forces, they will win.

That being said, get out of the darn office and start doing some of those things you loved doing years ago! Start boxing again. Yeah, it will be hard. However, I believe that once you start doing the physical side of things, you'll be more likely to stop yourself from eating that extra burger, that pile of pasta, that extra creamy sauce.

I need to lose 60-100 pounds (depending who you ask) and had a friend ask me to work out with her... starting this workout program has encouraged me to watch what I'm eating. Now I just have to figure out the right amount of calories, since everyone contradicts each other here...