Internal dialog

Aperplexity

As early as 6 years old I regularly heard things like, "if you'd just loose a little weight you would be so cute," or "she's just so chubby." By the time I was 12 I reasoned that I would always be fat and if that was the case I should just embrace it, enjoy food and eat everything I wanted. I look back at pictures of me in middle school and I cry, I was so adorable. Sure I had a little bit of extra fat, but from 11 to 13 I matured and that little girl chub was going away.

I have some really awesome good days. Days where I eat food that is healthy, tastes good, looks good and makes me feel good. Yet here I am 26 years later and I still find myself saying, "I'm going to be fat anyways," and then pulling out a bag of chips, a tub of ice cream, a candy bar.

I'm sick of being overweight, I'm sick of feeling bad, I'm sick of not doing the things I want to do, I'm sick of physically and emotionally hurting.

So here I am 36, 5' 262 pounds, feet ankles knees hips back and liver that hurt because of all of this weight.

I know I'm a good person. I know I have willpower, I quit smoking 2.5 years ago. I know I can loose the weight. I just wish I could know it when I'm picking up that bloody bag of chips!

Bustergirl14

Congratulations on quitting smoking. Awesome!

Do you have the ability to talk to a professional about your situation? There is something going on with that little voice in your head that all the willpower in the world can't fix.

Tabbitha1968

Sounds like the same things I was told as a child and like you I did the same thing...decided to be fat. Mostly I rebelled thinking that people should like me just the way I am. And now years later, Im realizing I don't like me the way I am.. so I've got to change.

Everyday is a try. Everyday you have to learn little by little to do the right thing. Once you have made good choices over a number of days you will become convinced that you can continue. It takes some planning and action on your part but it can be done. It takes a try to get started and it only takes one thing at a time to continue. I understand the chip thing, even thought lost 87 lbs I still can scarf down a bag of chips in one sitting - just did it last week, ya know some habits are harder to break. But THIS week im not bringing any chips into the house... that solves it until my next party, picnic or cookout, but ill figure it out later.

Ive found that eating well doesn't have to be perfect every day. If you stumble today, don't just lay down the good habits, pick up where you left of and move on.

csdean1

Funny , I heard and still hear those same words. I weigh the same as you and I am 5 ft. tall. This is my venture into losing weight and I'm gonna make it. Good luck to you.

Aperplexity

Wow, I really expected this to not show up on peoples feeds and pass everyone by without anyone commenting.

Bustergirl14, I agree I could benefit from some counseling and probably cognitive behavioral therapy.

Tabbitha, thank you! It is such an encouragement to see that you've lost so much weight and know exactly how I feel.

csdean1, we can do it!!

Ivanna_B

You're destined to be anything YOU choose to be. Don't let others make that choice for you! I actually had a similar yet seemingly opposite problem. I was chubby between the ages of 10-14 and my family nicknamed me dahponzhu (at least it sounded like that. It translates to chubby fat girl in Chinese Mandarin) where as my 2 sisters were nicknamed Shau Ann and Shau Lu (or at least it sounded like that. It translates to Little Ann and Little Lu). In a fat obsessed society, I can't even tell you what that did for my ego to have my mom constantly call me a chubby girl in public. I had a growth spurt at 14 and thinned out as a result of that and the fact that that I became weight-obsessed (started working out alot). I was 5'5", 135lbs, and a size 5 all the way from age 15 to 34 yrs old. But, despite being in-shape (and I was), my nickname stuck and my mother continued to call me dahponzhu until I moved out at the age of 19. And what's sadder still is that my self-perception of being chubby stuck too and, although I was not fat, I always felt fat and was weight obsessed (I weighed myself everyday & was very careful about my diet). My mom was diagnosed with terminal breast cancer 3 years ago (she has since passed away) and I rapidly gained weight in response. In only a few MONTHS, I shot up from 135 to 200 then slowly crept up to 218.5 lbs (which was my peak high)

The reason I'm telling you my story is this: I could NOT lose the weight until I made a promise to myself that I will choose my own destiny, that I will allow myself to be the person that I want to be rather than live my life according to what others believe I should, and not to let self-consiousness about my body prevent me from seizing opportunities.

I bought clothes that made me feel good in the body I'm in. I joined a gym and started working out (despite my feelings of self-consciousness), whenever I catch myself negative-self-talking, I chant the mantra "I am my friend" (as a reminder to stop beating up on myself since I would NEVER talk or even think of a friend as negatively as I thought/talked to myself and needed to stop it!) and since I've been doing this, I dropped 12lbs since 5/8/14 (when I started my diest) with 71.5lbs left to go.

I get the (discouraging/negative) internal dialog. I've had that same dialog my whole life and still struggle with it today (change doesn't happen overnight!) but I recently realized that both of those voices inside my head are ME -- not anyone else. And because it's ME talking, it's ME that must make the change as to what those voices say.

I believe you can do this. I truly do. But I believe that you have to believe that you can do this before change happens. When you wake up in the morning, take a look at yourself and say "I'm so beautiful and am getting even more gorgeous every day as I lose weight! " Because it's true. Throw out ALL the junk food in your house. Give them to a homeless shelter, pass them to a relative, I don't care. Get them out. Start planning your meals carefully and have them all in the fridge ready for you so that you can easily grab from those premade meals whenever you're feeling an urge rather than grab a bag of chips. Have certain foods available for different urges. For example, kale chips, popcorn, and salted seaweed for when you have a salty snack/potato chip urge. Bread and jam for when you want a pie. Quest protein bars for when you feel like a brownie. It's SO hard at first but after awhile of doing it, I promise you that your taste buds will begin to adjust and it will get easier. When you are at a place where you're tempted by chips think "How will I feel after I eat this? Will eating this make me happy or will it make me feel disappointed in myself for breaking my promise again?" Then drink a tall glass of water. Wait 2 minutes and see if your impulse for the chips still exists. Network with positive people who will push you towards postive self-talk as well. I would LOVE to meet for workouts once my exam (on 7/19) is over. And watch the Bruce Pticher episode of Extreme Weight Loss for inspiration: http://abc.go.com/shows/extreme-weight-loss/episode-guide/season-04/404-bruce

You can do it! I know you can! But don't focus on losing just the weight because you'll never be happy if you do that. Focus on complete transformation of your body AND MIND because you have to believe in yourself first before any change can happen.

Aperplexity

Ivanna -

Thank you for being so very encouraging. You're right, I do have to change the internal dialog. I like your suggestions for alternative foods and will start keeping those in the house. I wish wish wish I could get rid of the chips, ice cream, candy and other high calorie/fat foods but I live with 3 other adults who wouldn't take kindly to me unconsensually depriving them of their goodies.

Ivanna_B

You go girl! I know you'll do well! Since you can't toss the food, maybe you can leave litle reminders as to why not to eat them on the food? You know, like a post it note on the bag of chips that says "Your sexy as hell now, but imagine how much sexier you'll feel in those jeans you've been trying to squeeze into" or "Hey beautiful, do you really want this? Or do you want to treat your body to something more nutritious?" or "Have a glass of water and meditate for 2 minutes, then if you still need me, I'm here. But we'll be happier if you find you don't need me." Or maybe just a noted on the fridge that says "Yummy, Yummy! Veggies in my Tummy! Makes my skin glow & love grow!" (as a reminder that we usually look better & feel better after we've made a good food choice rather than a bad one). I don't know. Was that too cheesy?

Or maybe get a second fridge and never open the big fridge. I don't know but I know you'll think of something because you're Ah-mazzz-ZING!

Nightstar76

I've had the same problems too with just thinking I'll forever be fat. I want to change that now, I hope I can do that and I think you can do. You quit smoking which is HUGE! You can do this, it won't be easy but it must be possible. I keep hoping that myself. And you know if you want that bag of chips, look at the calorie count and decide for yourself do you want to use up your calories on this, can you stop at a couple of chips if not, can you exercise it off. For me everytime I force myself to stop and think before I put something in my mouth the drive to eat it starts going away. I'm definitely not perfect at all (I kind of suck) but you won't be perfect all the time. It just takes awhile to accept that!