Reality check.

candistyx

You said "depression' is a loaded phrase, and catch all for the medical community these days."

Mental illness is just what it is, mental illness, no matter what stigmas you personally attach to it.

Do you stay or go? Why would you come online to ask this question? If you love a person, you love THEM not their weight, looks...I just am shocked at the amount of insensitivity. Honestly, your partner would probably be better off without you.

Ummm..ok. I would fully expect my partner to ditch my *kitten* if I was a stubborn Beyotch who refused to even try to be healthy and look attractive for him. Also, in the scenario I described, the person pretty much lied about who they were from the get go...kind of a deal breaker don't you think? What about addiction? Abuse? Adultury? Do you stay through that too?

1) How did they lie to you about who they are??? they gained weight. not changed character.
2) abuse and gaining weight are two VERY VERY VERY different issues. I cannot believe you but those two on teh same level.
3) if gaining weight was the single greatest deal breaker on earth no one on this site would have partners.
4) why are you purposely spouting inflamatory comments. this is getting ridiculous.

sigh...
1. they lied because if beer swilling couch potato is who they "really are", as he stated, then he was just pretending to be into a different lifestyle to "get" her..it didn't stick..and he's not willing to try. It would be like me marrying a man..then saying "oh by the way I'm gay...ooops...was just trying out being straight..but it's not who I am.."
2. 100 pound weight gain and beer drinking daily is SELF abuse. Neglecting your partner may not be physical abuse, but mental abuse yes.
3. never said it was the single greatest deal breaker..not sure where you got that. And it's one thing for a partner to put on a bit of weight..another to put on over 100 pounds, and not even be willing to try and lose it.
4. I'm not being purposefully inflammatory. I have put on weight before (when I was in nursing school I didn't exercise and put on 50 pounds). As soon as I was done school I made a point of resuming my pre school activity and the weight came off. If I'd said to my partner "this is who I am now..too bad, DEAL with it.." Id' fully expect him to kick my *kitten* to the curb.

I think some of you people just cant handle how life really is..seriously

It's not that they lied, it's that they changed. People change all the time, any relationship has to be based on understanding that both parties are constantly changing.

This relationship sounds pretty dead already though, neither party seems to be able to empathise with the other or shows a willingness to enter the world of the other. That doesn't mean a divorce is in order, when you make a vow then you should keep it except in situations that threaten your physical safety (IMO). It does mean that serious work needs to be done for both parties sakes.

He isn't the man she married? Well she better get to know this man, since this man is her husband. She clearly has contempt for him right now. Contempt is one of the most toxic things in a relationship, no wonder he doesn't want to do things with her, active or otherwise, if she has contempt for him. Maybe she should try and visit his world, his feelings and thoughts - instead of dismissing them as babyish. Underneath it all we're all children, trying to figure life out as best we can, full of swirling storms of feelings that occasionally get the better of us. No relationship can work when one or both of the parties has a contempt for weakness because the essence of a relationship is intimacy, letting someone in to the terrible secret that "I am weak".

He probably has as much contempt for his current state as she does, which only makes the interaction between them likely more defensive and the opposite of intimate and revelatory. He knows she hates him for being "fat and lazy" but he doesn't feel capable right now of being anything else, after all he tried and now he's back at square one and the love of his life hates him as well. Only empathy, compassion and actual love will help this situation.

If she divorces him she might be happier for the time being, as long as she is able hide from human frailty, but she or someone she loves will be weak again (many times) and her inability to handle weakness will cause her much more pain throughout her life.

Unknown

This content has been removed.

imaginaryplant

You said "depression' is a loaded phrase, and catch all for the medical community these days."

Mental illness is just what it is, mental illness, no matter what stigmas you personally attach to it.

Do you stay or go? Why would you come online to ask this question? If you love a person, you love THEM not their weight, looks...I just am shocked at the amount of insensitivity. Honestly, your partner would probably be better off without you.

Ummm..ok. I would fully expect my partner to ditch my *kitten* if I was a stubborn Beyotch who refused to even try to be healthy and look attractive for him. Also, in the scenario I described, the person pretty much lied about who they were from the get go...kind of a deal breaker don't you think? What about addiction? Abuse? Adultury? Do you stay through that too?

Okay, perhaps your head has been bashed up too much by your roller derbying, but I never said anything about staying through abuse or addiction or even adultery. You're basing whether to stay with someone based on whether they gain weight. I'll just come out and say it, you're an ignorant shallow person from what I've seen, and so many people figured that out today, not only with this very stupid post, but also your bashing people with mental illness post to make yourself feel better. You're a nurse? Then you should know better and be more empathetic towards those suffering from mental illness...I don't know where you got your nursing degree, probably some overnight home nursing course from Canada...you should really give it back. You know exactly **** about mental illness, treating people like they are human and basic communication skills.

Unknown

This content has been removed.

JenniferRHughes

You took the words out of my mouth. Sometimes the "this is me" is really a defense mechanism because they feel that they let you down. Sometimes people need to know you really love them for them, not their appearance. See if you can approach him at another time and let him know your concerned about his health, not what he looks like and say for our future I want to help us both be healthy but I need you to do it with me. If he still doesn't care, then at that point I would be concerned.
Sometimes it is all in the approach.

Sierra_christine89

Sorry to sound rude, but the fact that you're asking a website forum if "Someone" should leave their spouse sounds like you already know the answer you were looking for, but no clue if it was just a random thought to cross the mind, or personal.

Does, "Do you promise to love him/her, comfort him/her, honor and keep him/her in sickness, and in health" sound familiar? Your partner obviously needs you to help give them a reality check, but sounds like someone else needs one too.
A commitment is an amazing thing, but people who plan to not keep it because their partner gained weight (probably for many reasons besides being lazy like depression, stress, etc.) probably don't need to keep taking up space in that persons life, and need to either help their spouse by encouraging a healthy, and happier lifestyle TOGETHER, or get out of the way so someone else can do that, and appreciate the person 100 lbs more, or 100 lbs less.

imaginaryplant

So your friend is having marital problems and you came to mfp to find people who agree with you about her divorcing him. Ok well have at it. I'm out

Honestly, I think she just really likes the attention whether it's positive or negative, that's why she's always commenting on threads that have people make snap decisions based on the picture in the profile, she needs validation. Her thread about "I'm not depressed, those with mental illness are stupid" was obviously an attempt to gain a feeling of superiority and this pointless, mindless post that all of a sudden is about a friend...it's just another piece of the HEY LOOK AT ME, LOOK AT ME game. It's pretty sad.

Everyone here that saw both posts and sees the other posts she makes, can easily figure it out. I've known people like this, and I'm going to do what I've always done to excessive attention seeking ignorant mindless dolts, I'm going to remove myself from it.

imaginaryplant

And with that, I'm not giving you another moment of attention, because people like you don't deserve it. Later.

Jodsmission

But marriage is marriage. It has ups and downs. It has those times when one of you just doesn't feel like trying.You take turns pulling in thats how you make it work.
He didn't gain 100 lbs overnight.He didn't suddenly start watching sports.I agree with the posters who say he may be depressed. And if he is then the antidepressants will likely cause more weight gain. So who cares? She married him for him not his body.For better or for worse,remember ? And the the for worse is not he watches sports and doesn't care about his appearance..its hospice care or feeding tubes you have to change.
I hear you aren't getting the answers you want but there are a hundred different reasons to leave or be left in a marriage. You stay.You work through it.

Unknown

This content has been removed.

Unknown

This content has been removed.

Brownsbacker4evr

If you're in committed relationship with someone you supposedly love, gaining weight shouldn't really tear the relationship apart like that. I could MAYBE see if the gained weight brought about a lot of inconvenient health problems, like forcing the person to become bed ridden, with the person doing zero to try and prevent matters from getting even worse. That can be pretty dependent on the amount of time you've been with them too. If this is someone you've spent a good portion of your life with, or are married to-- to have something like weight gain break you apart seems ridiculous. A relationship that's structured on purely superficial aspects has just got to be doomed to eventually fail.

Looks fade, people gain weight (even some of the most physically fit people). We live in an extremely superficial time though, so that's the way it'll go sometimes, I suppose.

To each their own though, if someone was to leave someone over their weight, i'd say try and not be too big of an *kitten* about it lol.

mspoopoo

I did gain 100lbs during my first marriage and he didn't leave me. He just made me feel like garbage.
I was severely depressed as I was abused and gained.

Funny how I easily lost weight after ditching him.

LoobylouL

There is far more to a situation like that than meets the eye. Is the person depressed? that would be my first guess. Is the person unhappy in the relationship and is trying to get you to end it instead of doing it himself? Is he going through a stressful situation and this is how he copes? Do you love him to find out what is wrong?

I can't give a leave him or don't leave him answer. There has to be more to this other than him just giving up. But you can't force him to work out and lose weight. He needs to do that himself.

Maybee...but how much do you tolerate? "depression" is a loaded phrase, and catch all for the medical community these days. Oddly enough the best "cure" for most depression is healthy eating and exercise...

I'm sorry. YOu clearly know nothing about depression or mental illness. Thats why the last topic got rage quit. Please. Pick up a damn textbook on the issue.

I think YOU need to pick up a textbook. How about a recent one? How about articles in current medical magazines? Im a nurse. I know a LOT about this subject. did you know there is no actual quantatative test for depression? did you know that most depression resolves with healthy eating and exercise? Depression most often is a combination of poor coping skills and self esteem issues. Requires counselling and self care. Depression can be paralyzing...but everyone going on prozac (or other SSRI) isn't solving the issue. And for the record, many many medical professionals do believe that although clincial depression is categorized as a mental illness...it's grossly over diagnosed, often incorrectly.

And I am a mental health nurse who has crippling bipolar depressions, which only medication can treat. Research does shows that mild depression can be helped with exercise. Severe depression is a different matter and it is like asking someone with a broken leg to run a marathon. It is insulting. Your use of the terminology "most" and "many, many" suggests to me you have little knowledge of mental health and have little substance to your arguments other than your personal experience.

As previously mentioned, most of us who take medication to treat our depressions, gain vast amounts of weight. This is a fact and not due to what we put in our mouths or burn off. I have put on 3 stone since treatment but you know what? I'd rather be fat than depressed because depression eats your soul, regardless of how healthy your diet, coping mechanisms, self-esteem and exercise levels are.

I also believe this thread is another example of fat-shaming. How dare they let themselves go? Isn't getting fat the worst crime you can commit against mankind? Ugh, fat people don't deserve relationships!

Thank goodness my husband of 20 years still loves me despite my weight gain with pregnancies, depressions and medication, as I have with him when his weight has gone up and down. Plus the joys of aging, which isn't kind. I believe that is called love.

Unknown

This content has been removed.

FrustratedYoYoer

Sounds harsh but I would probably go, especially if they were just bumming around every day stuffing their face and letting themselves go completely. I like to be quite active and healthy so I would find them frustrating and impacting on my own enjoyment of life so they would have to go. This is assuming they don't have some medical condition which is different. I would give it some thought first but it would undoubtedly change the relationship and I'd probably want out truth be told. However, the statement "this is how i really am" would suggest it's not medical and they'd have to go lol