Returning User/ Food abuser!

JosieRawr

Hello, I'm Josie.
I have a chronic under eating/ binge eating problem. I don't know what the true definition for binge is, but my highs range up to 4000 while my under days were around 500-700 using my best estimates based on not actually tracking.

Every time I come back to MFP I have to increase what I eat on a daily basis and control my high days to maintain a weekly balance and healthy deficient.
Every time that I leave MFP I convince myself that I can just eat food and I don't have to track... After all I'm trying to eat MORE on most days which helps me not binge on other days.
And then again, every time I come back to MFP I have more weight to lose!

I've come to the decision that me convincing myself that I don't need to log is akin to me convincing myself that I could socially smoke when I was quitting smoking(my best NSV standing, quit since Feb 1, 2013).

So I'm back, I've been logging for 43 days(on the wrong profile www.myfitnesspal.com/josieami if you're curious) and I've lost 9 pounds during my refeed, searching for maintenance, and then reasonable deficient stages and I'm ready to keep at it with the determination and outlook that it took to quit smoking!

Restarting stats-5'9" 181
Current BW 172
Time passed 43 days

Biggirllittledreams

I've struggled with this as well, and abandoning the prospect of weight loss to deal with the emotional issues is what worked/works for me. The struggles with food are usually indicative of a bigger picture, if it truly is binging (and not just reactive eating). Do you know why you have this sort of relationship with food?

JosieRawr

I speculate that my under eating stems from me being forced to clear my plate when I was growing up which resulted in my never being happy with my body and having an unhealthy relationship with food where I always feel like I'm over eating, even when I'm losing weight. And I would think that the binge is my body's way of combating the fact that it feels as if it's being starved.

It takes several months of tracking before I actually start having hunger cues and even then I tend towards under eating... As long as I'm eating well I don't binge.

Edit to say- this is all pure speculation and self diagnosis.

JosieRawr

Also I have very few friends left that are still active, and would like some more.

Things that relate to friending me-
I'm a foody... I eat between 1600-3000 a day.
I don't punish myself.
I'm not a cardio bunny.
I work part time in an extremely physical job which I log and = huge seemingly nonsensical exercise numbers.
I'm set to maintenance and my deficient balances weekly not daily.

JosieRawr

If anyone else is on a similar journey please feel free to share your story here as well.

Biggirllittledreams

I speculate that my under eating stems from me being forced to clear my plate when I was growing up which resulted in my never being happy with my body and having an unhealthy relationship with food where I always feel like I'm over eating, even when I'm losing weight. And I would think that the binge is my body's way of combating the fact that it feels as if it's being starved.

It takes several months of tracking before I actually start having hunger cues and even then I tend towards under eating... As long as I'm eating well I don't binge.

Edit to say- this is all pure speculation and self diagnosis.

Binging is eating due to cues that are not physiological, such as anxiety, anger, depression, etc. If you find yourself over-eating when you feel deprived and worn-down from that deprivation, that's reactive eating/over-eating.

If your under-eating results from being forced to clear your plate, perhaps you may find some relief in CBT?