in a bit of a rut

peej76

So, I don't really know why I'm posting this except that I guess I just need to get it out! I don't talk to my family about it because they think I will break, and I don't want sympathy!

I've always had esteem issues, even as a child, then as a teenager I got involved with a mentally, verbally abusive boyfriend. He was my first one, and I guess I just liked the idea of dating, but once he started showing himself I was trapped. Everytime I tried to leave he would play the suicide card, so I stayed. He raped me continuously for 2 years, which resulted in a pregnancy at age 18. My son is now 13, and I have learned to look at him without relating it to my relationship with his father.

Finally when my son was 3 months old, my mom happened in on a phone conversation with my ex. I was trying to break up with him and again he played the suicide card. With the help of my wonderful family I was finally able to find the srength to leave him.

Immediatley after I became depressed, and hated my life. For years, dr's tried me on different meds which all of them only made me suicidal. Along comes the man who eventually became my husband, without him I would not be here today! He never gives up on me! My depression became better without medical aid. I still suffer from bouts of depression, which is why I am writing this.

I just had a baby 4 months ago, and have been depressed ever since. it comes and goes, which I can deal with, but this is the longest period it has stayed. I feel fat and ugly. I'm angry all the time, and it takes so much energy pretending to be happy, especially during the day when my husband is at work. I still have to be a good mother to my children so when my husband isn't home I play a good part, when he gets home I retreat into myself and let him take over. Even after everything my husband has done for me, I feel like I am falling out of love with him. I have told him this but still he does not give up. I do love him, but think because I am not happy right now, that I really am not feeling anything. I feel so cold and empty inside!

So because of my depression, I am not happy with myself at all. I pick myself apart, and have a hard time focusing on the positive. I get so down on myself if I skip a workout (today). I know I will be going for a walk today, but it's not the same because I have to stop every 2 minutes to wait for my 5 yr old to catch up. See, I cannot even enjoy a walk with my family anymore because I feel I have to turn it into a workout! I also binged alot back when I was depressed all the time, and slowly I feel the chocolate and chips and takeout worming their way back into my life.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I am so sick of feeling this way. And for bearing my soul to people I don't know, makes me feel a little wierd but it's easier then admitting defeat to my family who will drive me crazy with their concern. My sister keeps begging me to go to the doctor, but I am so scared of the meds that I would rather fight this fight on my own. I want to be happy again, and be the wife that my husband deserves, and be a full time mom to my kids, I hate that they all have to walk on eggshells around me. I want to be able to focus and be proud of the accomplishments that I have done instead of focusing on the negative. I am 31 years old and finally want to find myself.

peej76

So, I don't really know why I'm posting this except that I guess I just need to get it out! I don't talk to my family about it because they think I will break, and I don't want sympathy!

I've always had esteem issues, even as a child, then as a teenager I got involved with a mentally, verbally abusive boyfriend. He was my first one, and I guess I just liked the idea of dating, but once he started showing himself I was trapped. Everytime I tried to leave he would play the suicide card, so I stayed. He raped me continuously for 2 years, which resulted in a pregnancy at age 18. My son is now 13, and I have learned to look at him without relating it to my relationship with his father.

Finally when my son was 3 months old, my mom happened in on a phone conversation with my ex. I was trying to break up with him and again he played the suicide card. With the help of my wonderful family I was finally able to find the srength to leave him.

Immediatley after I became depressed, and hated my life. For years, dr's tried me on different meds which all of them only made me suicidal. Along comes the man who eventually became my husband, without him I would not be here today! He never gives up on me! My depression became better without medical aid. I still suffer from bouts of depression, which is why I am writing this.

I just had a baby 4 months ago, and have been depressed ever since. it comes and goes, which I can deal with, but this is the longest period it has stayed. I feel fat and ugly. I'm angry all the time, and it takes so much energy pretending to be happy, especially during the day when my husband is at work. I still have to be a good mother to my children so when my husband isn't home I play a good part, when he gets home I retreat into myself and let him take over. Even after everything my husband has done for me, I feel like I am falling out of love with him. I have told him this but still he does not give up. I do love him, but think because I am not happy right now, that I really am not feeling anything. I feel so cold and empty inside!

So because of my depression, I am not happy with myself at all. I pick myself apart, and have a hard time focusing on the positive. I get so down on myself if I skip a workout (today). I know I will be going for a walk today, but it's not the same because I have to stop every 2 minutes to wait for my 5 yr old to catch up. See, I cannot even enjoy a walk with my family anymore because I feel I have to turn it into a workout! I also binged alot back when I was depressed all the time, and slowly I feel the chocolate and chips and takeout worming their way back into my life.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I am so sick of feeling this way. And for bearing my soul to people I don't know, makes me feel a little wierd but it's easier then admitting defeat to my family who will drive me crazy with their concern. My sister keeps begging me to go to the doctor, but I am so scared of the meds that I would rather fight this fight on my own. I want to be happy again, and be the wife that my husband deserves, and be a full time mom to my kids, I hate that they all have to walk on eggshells around me. I want to be able to focus and be proud of the accomplishments that I have done instead of focusing on the negative. I am 31 years old and finally want to find myself.

sculley

I want to applaud you for this post, you have such courage. I want to tell you I am very sorry for what has happened to you. I too was raped(attacked by a stranger) but it was only once and it was my first time, I was only 18. I am not a doctor so I am not going to try to give you medical advice, but have you thought about seeing someone to talk out your problems. My mom went through years of being molested by a stepfather and she found going to therapy really helped her to be the best version of her self more than 20 years later.

I pray and hope that things will get better for you, no one should ever have to deal with that kind of stuff.

I am here if you would like to email me.


Audumn

sweetandstormy

Sweetie, you really need to get on some meds for the depression. I did really well after having my twins but I knew that there's an increased chance of post partum depression with a multiple birth - plus I have a history of some pretty bad depression. I'm doing great now on the meds. Depression isn't something you can just "get yourself through". Remember that it takes up to 6 weeks for the meds to work their best so you need to give them a decent chance. Don't try to do it yourself. You've got your hands full already. Take care of yourself and then you'll be better able to take care of your relationships. Your husband sounds so understanding. Maybe once you get yourself settled in, the two of you can take one night a week to "date". It'll help rekindle the flame and maybe even make it burn a little hotter. And we're always here for you when you need a friendly shoulder or ear.

blondeheat

One of my favorite book says courage is going on in spite of fear. It takes real courage to get up each day and take care of your baby! Getting in any exercise is a great acheivement with some much else going on. Don't give up on your husband, your falling out of love may just be another symptom of depression! My husband repeated told me he didn't love me and didn't care if I existed when he was depressed. Once he was able to move through the depression, he realized he did love me.

Please give yourself credit for all you have done and try to find or do one thing everyday that will help you feel good. Seek out friend or activities that you have enjoyed when you weren't depressed.

Good luck. I am here for you also.

LokiFae

How courageous of you to share your life with us. I just wanted to say that I went through the EXACT same thing following the birth of my son 10 months ago. I felt like I was falling out of love with my husband and I was angry all the time, and not spending time with my son when he was home. I have just now snapped out of it, and it happened just like that. I woke up one morning and bam! I love my husband, I'm in a good mood, and I want to be around them. Maybe it was postpartum depression (which is what I think) and it just took longer than others to turn off.

That being said, if you're feeling this bad and you just don't feel like you can do it anymore, please talk to a doctor. They can put you on some meds to get you feeling normal again. Just hang in there and don't feel weird about sharing with us. We're all here to help. :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

peej76

I was just checking back in, and tears are coming to my eyes as I read all of your replies. Your support is a huge deal, and it means a lot that you feel I am brave for sharing, as I almost deleted this post, I thought people would think I was looking for pity or sympathy which I am not at all. I get enough of that from my loved ones. I was at a loss and hoping this would be somewhat good therapy for me. I already feel like a load has been taken off, so thank you so much. This is truly a great support team and I just since reading your replies I already don't feel quite so alone!

jlauren6

We are all SO here for you! You've been through a lot and just trying to get through the depression may not work this time. I went through a few weeks of postpartum with my son, (blaming myself for everything, crying CONSTANTLY, feeling totally empty, etc.) and it was awful! There is no reason to put yourself through this anymore, call a doc and see what your options are. This will get better and it's important to reach out to all of us when you need to vent or just some words of encouragement!! :flowerforyou:

gabi_ele

I have had depression since I was a teenager, mine runs in the family. I had to go on meds twice , but now I am free of them for about 4 years. There is nothing wrong with getting help (from meds or Therapie) at all. I have found that I tell myself nice things long enough, I eventually believe them. Also it helps me to listen to my favorite oldies. A lot of times I count my blessings (and we all have lots of them, if we just think about it long enough) . I also go to church and my faith helps with a lot of issues. If you need to vent let me know ... I have broad shoulders and thick skin and can find rainbows all over the place. Something I have learned after being married for a long long time is that love is a choice, infatuation a feeling. By the way if I get down in the dumps I wouldn't hesitate to go back on meds... no one says other sicknesses like diabetes or heart desease are all in your head. Depression is a problem with your seratonin levels and can be helped by medication ....and if one med makes you feel funny talk to your doc., there are a lot of new meds where you don't have to act like a zombie anymore.

BreaNix

You are not alone. I've been through some of the same things.

I went on meds after my 1st son was born and I've been on them ever since. They help me to feel like me again. Don't be afraid of them. If you needed glasses you probably wouldn't hesitate to get glasses or contacts.

For a time I also went to councelling. It was sooo great. I was able to say whatever I needed to and they gave me tools on how to cope and ideas on how to move on past any forseen and unforseen obstacles. I also felt that their was someone that asked things about me and wanted to know the answers. It made me feel so impowered with myself. I was able to get past the difficult times and help me to settle some old issues in my head.

I had a baby 5 months ago and I completely understand and can relate to the way you feel. I have been down on myself and my appearance. But that is why we are here. You have taken a huge step at joining this site and deciding you are going to do something about it.

Don't forget that you are also fatigued and doing one of the hardest jobs there is, being a mom.........

Keep your chin up.

There is nothing wrong with taking medication or seeking help when you need it.

You can get through this.:flowerforyou:

FitJoani

Its great that you had such an overwhelming response from total strangers who are supporting you..IT REALLY IS!!!! I do NOT agree with meds for depression, I go with the source that they are derived from St Johns Wort It takes a little to build up in your body and you wont feel ecstatic to wake up everyday, but it will make you feel even keeled and there is also a supplement called DHEA that is a seritonin replacer that works well. But my fave blues buster of all garaunteed to work if I had a way I would bet on it, its exercise, not just a little stroll around the block but a serious honest to god sweat session get those endorphins flowin!!! And Congratulations on your new arrival, hope that you are an inspiration!!!! We are here for you

kindredfyre

I had the exact same problem after my daughter (now 3) and son (now 1) were born. I've always had problems with depression but having kids made it worse. I found that talking about the problems I was facing with a group of other moms helped wonders. The group was founded by a maternity ward nurse and a lactation consultant who found that postpartum depression was a huge issue with many women and they wanted to do something about it. The groups helped many women I know. Maybe there is something similar in your area.
If you want to talk about anything at anytime, don't hestiate to PM me.

Christine

Meriller

Well... I haven't read any of the previous responses, but your story is seriously almost identical to mine...
I'd love to chat back and forth-if you like, I'll invite you as a friend.

I truly believe that our negative relationship history has imprinted on our psyches; somehow we've become addicted to drama and hysterics equating these with normalcy and need. I fight my previous unhealthy dependency issues even though now I too have the most wonderful husband in the world.

My youngest is now almost 14 months, and don't discount the fact that you could still be on the return to hormonal baselines post partum, but I believe there are other forces at play also :frown:

Do not beat yourself up over your feelings... I did that for so long, it took that much longer to turn to positivity. Your feelings are valid and legitimate! There is no reality only perception of feeling.

If I can offer a ear to listen, I'm more than happy...

GrnEyz

You are so not alone. I feel like that every day lately. My boyfriend, who I thought was "the one" dumped me 3 days after Christmas, with no warning. And then I come to find out (2 months after we broke up) he's already in a relationship, which seems to be moving into a serious one. I'm telling you, I have never let myself get so depressed over a man before, in the past I've always turn it into determination to lose weight, and it has worked. However, this time, I just find it hard to even get out of bed in the morning (ok, afternoon). I suffered with depression my whole life and for 10 years have had it under control without medication, and the thought of having to go back on those things terrifies me. I had a bad drug addiction 3 years ago, and I think it royaly messed up my chemical balance or something, so weight loss has been so hard. And I'm so sick and tired of everthing second of the day thinking about my weight and wanting to be thinner...and then being too depressed to find the modivation to do anything about it. So, I totally know how you feel. And if you ever just want to talk, I'm on here a lot! But I understand your reluctance to go back on anti-depressants!

pauladavies86

I can't give you some of the same wonderful advice some of these other ladies/gentlemen have given you because I can't possibley imagine what you're going through! You are obviously an amazing woman to have overcome so much in your life and I can see your strength even though you may not feel very strong right now. I know a few people have suggested talking to someone and some have suggested medicines. If you're really worried about the side effects of medicines then by all means don't take them right away. I think counseling/therapy can do WONDERS for people it really may be a great answer for you. (I've studied counseling in college and can honestly say it can make a really big difference.) Finding a good counselor would be my first step if I was in your shoes because talking to someone may be all you need to help you out of your depression and somewhere down the line you may or may not feel like you want to give medicine another try. I don't blame you for being scared of taking drugs... I would be too. There are some crazy side effects! Just please please please at least give therapy a try! I really hope you can find your way back to happier times & know that this site is full of people who DO care about you even if we've never met!

ali106

hugs and total understanding girl!!!!

I have a best friend who is a remarkable person, she had two boys and a few years ago had her third....she also suffered a horrible bout of postpartum depression with him....it broke her heart the way she was acting but she could not help the way she felt...she resented her family...hated herself,....just wanted to run away basically. She suffered for two months then confided in me and her sister and we urged her to seek help and let me just tell you....complete turn around!

AND...she didn't remain on her medicine that long....it was monitored etc...so she was weaned off of it and started to just feel the way the pills helped her on her own....whenever she learns about people like yourself who are sooo sweet and giving and trying to do all the right things and suffering so, she goes into advocate mode...SOOOO since she's not a member here ...I'll take her place lol, along w/ many others...

I want you to feel like the old you, you deserve it and girl, you've been through so much....I don't pity you...I sympathize wholeheartedly....I hope you contact your doctor and let them know or at the very least your family know what you are dealing with....its pretty common that many of us get a touch of PD...I mean I know now that I had a bout of it, but it was more just hating myself and feeling totally inadequate....if I ever have another child and it happens again, I'll seek help too...why go through such pain...

I wish I had some magical words to make you feel better...but just know we are all thinking of you and I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts and hope you get through this soon honey!!!

big hugs! and I'd love to talk or chat anytime!!!!
Ali

beep

Don't worry about your feelings for your husband. That is a loss of infatuation, as someone else has already said. Love is a verb, infatuation is a feeling. The more you LOve as a verb, feelings will return, though in a more subdued, and mature and lasting way. And all that, AFTER you are lifted out of a depression.

Do whatever it takes to get yourself out of that depression. People who have never been depressed, cannot imagine the depths a person can plunge. There was a time when I am convinced if I hadn't had to get up to take care of children, I would have stayed in bed for weeks.

thalli1

I just wanted to say thanks for sharing your story. I've never really understood depression that well. Reading your post gave me a little glimmer of understanding of what you feel like. I don't have any advice, but I wanted you to know your words touched me and helped me to learn something today. I wish you strength and healing.

maestrachistosa

I too have suffered with several bouts of depression. I totally agree that different things work for different people, but would definitely suggest the therapy. For me, therapy wasn't enough, and the bouts kept coming back. A combination of therapy and medication has been successful for me, and it is amazing how great it is to ACTUALLY feel like the person you are supposed to be. Depression completely f**ks up what is going on inside your head and makes you think and feel things that are not "you". I am amazed that you have done as much as you have...raising kids etc, while going through everything. As far as the meds go, there are constantly improvements being made and new drugs coming out that you might tolerate better than before. OR, as people mentioned, you may not even have to be on them that long (I think drs usually recommend 6 months of "feeling good" before going off them). OR, if you have to be on longer...and they are working for you...I say BRING IT ON! I used to be ashamed of them...now I embrace them, because if it weren't for them...I probably wouldn't be here! And finally...do the exercise because it makes you feel good, even if its just a stroll around the block...don't force it to be a "workout". You don't need something else to beat yourself up about right now. Props to your husband for his support too!

peej76

I wish I had time to thank you all personally, I can't begin to thank you enough for all your encouragement, and for understanding how I'm feeling. I am now in the process of looking for a counsellor. Some days I am not depressed and I suppose I should thank God for that but I'm never just sad when I get into these moods, it's worse than that and it sounds like most of you can relate. To think that people I don't even know can care as much as this to lift a strangers spirits, because you really have. I am ready to say good bye to the blues. I know sometimes I'll have bad days, but I just want to function!! So thank you all, it has meant everything to me.