Can I ask a personal question, about dating?
guppyphant
Posts: 7 Member
Hi guys! I'm a female in my mid-twenties and in professional school. I had a really rough time last year, between struggling to stay afloat during school and dealing with family issues. Needless to say, I ate my feelings and gained at least 30 lbs (it reached a point where it was painful to step on the scale so I'm not sure what weight I topped out at). I've since rejoined MFP, and it seems like it's working! Slow, but sustainable is what I'm shooting for!
Anyhoo, my question is about dating. I've actually never dated before (too focused on school/career), and so I'm trying a few of these online sites. I've gone on a few dates, but nothing has come out of them. I'm trying to be comfortable in my skin, but it's incredibly difficult since I haven't weighed this much in ages and none of my old clothes fit me anymore. I was broken down a lot by the end of the school year, and I'm working on building myself back up (mentally and physically), and I'm just not sure if I'm ready to date anyone right now. I want to concentrate on school (dating has been a huge 'distraction' this summer and I don't want to derail my studies in the fall), and I want to be in a place where I'm happy with my body. I'm scared of being too reliant on someone's opinion of me, and then being crushed when they decide to not be with me anymore, you know? Have you had any experiences with this? Anyone started dating in their late 20s? I'm nervous about starting to date when I'm older, would it be too late?
Sorry for the long post! The community on here seems so welcoming that I thought I might ask for a bit of advice here, since I don't really have anyone IRL to talk to about these kinds of things.
Any comments/advice is much appreciated!!
Anyhoo, my question is about dating. I've actually never dated before (too focused on school/career), and so I'm trying a few of these online sites. I've gone on a few dates, but nothing has come out of them. I'm trying to be comfortable in my skin, but it's incredibly difficult since I haven't weighed this much in ages and none of my old clothes fit me anymore. I was broken down a lot by the end of the school year, and I'm working on building myself back up (mentally and physically), and I'm just not sure if I'm ready to date anyone right now. I want to concentrate on school (dating has been a huge 'distraction' this summer and I don't want to derail my studies in the fall), and I want to be in a place where I'm happy with my body. I'm scared of being too reliant on someone's opinion of me, and then being crushed when they decide to not be with me anymore, you know? Have you had any experiences with this? Anyone started dating in their late 20s? I'm nervous about starting to date when I'm older, would it be too late?
Sorry for the long post! The community on here seems so welcoming that I thought I might ask for a bit of advice here, since I don't really have anyone IRL to talk to about these kinds of things.
Any comments/advice is much appreciated!!
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Replies
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I think the best bet going forward is to be happy with YOU!Hi guys! I'm a female in my mid-twenties and in professional school. I had a really rough time last year, between struggling to stay afloat during school and dealing with family issues. Needless to say, I ate my feelings and gained at least 30 lbs (it reached a point where it was painful to step on the scale so I'm not sure what weight I topped out at). I've since rejoined MFP, and it seems like it's working! Slow, but sustainable is what I'm shooting for!
Anyhoo, my question is about dating. I've actually never dated before (too focused on school/career), and so I'm trying a few of these online sites. I've gone on a few dates, but nothing has come out of them. I'm trying to be comfortable in my skin, but it's incredibly difficult since I haven't weighed this much in ages and none of my old clothes fit me anymore. I was broken down a lot by the end of the school year, and I'm working on building myself back up (mentally and physically), and I'm just not sure if I'm ready to date anyone right now. I want to concentrate on school (dating has been a huge 'distraction' this summer and I don't want to derail my studies in the fall), and I want to be in a place where I'm happy with my body. I'm scared of being too reliant on someone's opinion of me, and then being crushed when they decide to not be with me anymore, you know? Have you had any experiences with this? Anyone started dating in their late 20s? I'm nervous about starting to date when I'm older, would it be too late?
Sorry for the long post! The community on here seems so welcoming that I thought I might ask for a bit of advice here, since I don't really have anyone IRL to talk to about these kinds of things.
Any comments/advice is much appreciated!!
Once you have reached that (whatever that goal/decision may be), then focus on finding someone!
Just my thoughts! :flowerforyou:0 -
Instead of dating, I would look to get involved in more activities. Find a rec kickball league or enroll in an art class. Maybe you'll meet someone, maybe you won't. Either way you'll have fun. Take the pressure off to find someone and just look to meet some new people and make new friends.
Honestly, most people I know found their match by meeting them at an activity or school instead of doing the "dating" thing.0 -
Maybe another approach is to get involved in group activities you enjoy. Meet Up is a good way to do this if you have that around where you are. Start by making friends - and who knows?
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I'm 33 and tried the on-line dating sites. Although I did date someone for a couple months, we just didn't click. I also communicated with someone then later found out they were trying to scam me, so be careful on what you give out to those on-line. I'm also taking on-line classes and work full time along with raising two teenagers. I've come to the conclusion that it's best just to concentrate on me for once. Once you can love yourself, your partner will come along at the right time. At least I'm hoping so!0
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yea i would recommend being confident in yourself, on the way you look and feel etc... before dating :happy:0
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Well, I'm 23 and haven't started dating yet. So you're not the only one 0
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In the words of RuPaul, "If you can't love yourself, how in the h*ll can you love somebody else?"
I've dated when I have felt completely crappy about myself with no self esteem, and guess who I dated? Jerks. I also dated the King of the D*uche Bags, a little name dropping there on my part lol! It wasn't until I got dumped by a guy who didn't really treat me right and then went back to his ex that not only didn't live in the same state as him (he is in Kansas, she is in California) and she cheated on him and then faked being raped when she found out he was dating me (classy lady I tell you) I decided it was better for me to be alone and learn to love myself before I dated again. Seriously that last relationship was a blow to my self esteem because in my mind at the time it was "how could he give me up for the turbo slut in another state? How terrible am I?" When the fact is, he doesn't have some issues, he has the whole subscription.
I focused on school and working on my issues and then one day out of nowhere, when I was in a better place mentally, this guy randomly friended me on Facebook. I've been with him ever since and he's not anything like what I dated before. He's a great guy and was worth waiting for. I wouldn't be able to have a decent relationship with him had I not taken time to work on myself.
So work on loving you for who you are and don't worry about dating. It will happen when it happens.0 -
If you're not ready, don't do it. Concentrate on you, school, fitness, etc. The rest will come in time.0
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I agree with what others have said. Concentrate on you. Make sure you are happy with you before you try to make someone else happy.0
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I met my fiance on Match.com. Online dating was the way to go for me, because it gave someone more than just a first impression to get to know me. I loved it.
That said, I was pretty slow getting going. One of my favorite things about Match was writing my profile of the person I wanted to be (perhaps not exactly the way you're supposed to write it. I then made a concerted effort to go be that person. If I claimed that I liked local festivals, I made a point to go them, even if I didn't really feel like it that day. I never regretted doing this. I made a few somewhat fictional/idealized claims about myself that I then felt the need to live up to. In this way, it wasn't really online dating that was good for me, but writing out an image of who I wanted to be.
A big part of dating is getting to know yourself- what you like, what complements you, what annoys you. Use it as a tool, not to find "the one," but to get to know your own dating preferences so you'll recognize someone compatible when you meet them.
Your post makes me think that you are nervous about being chosen or not chosen. I think you may have that flipped. You are not there to be chosen. You are there to learn, to explore, and to meet people you may not meet on a day-to-day basis. If it feels like being last picked for kickball, then take a break from the dating thing. It shouldn't feel that way, and probably tells you that you aren't quite ready to be out there yet.
I absolutely do not think starting to date in your late 20's is too late. We all walk different paths in this life, and you don't need to conform to anyone else's timetable.
Good luck!0 -
i dont know how this will come off but....
my dad always says, " every pot has a lid."
it'll happen.0 -
i dont know how this will come off but....
my dad always says, " every pot has a lid."
it'll happen.
love it - your dad is cool.
you can tell him i said so 0 -
i dont know how this will come off but....
my dad always says, " every pot has a lid."
it'll happen.
:flowerforyou:0 -
Dating is not for the faint of heart - especially online dating. It's important that you feel comfortable and that your self-esteem is pretty solid before getting into it. Take the time you need to reach your goals, find some activities that will expand your network and then, if you are ready and haven't met someone that way, jump in with your eyes wide open.0
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If you feel you're not ready to put yourself out in the dating world--then don't. Work on yourself until you feel like adding someone to your life will make it better. Don't feel obligated to date if you truly don't feel like it at the moment. Everyone reaches that stage at different times, so no worries and no shame, I say.0
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Basic Principles - no woman wakes up saying "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, she might say "This is a really bad time for me," or something like "I just need some space," or my personal favorite, "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? 'Cause she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly "Try harder, stupid," but which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person! She doesn't want to hurt your feelings! What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.
-Hitch0 -
In the words of RuPaul, "If you can't love yourself, how in the h*ll can you love somebody else?"
...
Anyone who quotes RuPaul is a winner in my book.
And along those lines, if you don't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you?
If you're not ready, don't do it! What is "too late?" Because society says you're supposed to be married by a certain age or else become spoiled goods / an old maid? Are you worried about being "too old" to have kids when you do meet the right guy, at the right time? Freeze your eggs, IVF, adopt, there are so many options for that!
Like so many others have said, focus on YOU and when you're ready, you'll know.0 -
I have been with the same person when I was my smallest and my biggest o-^ His feelings and actions towards me never changed. Try to keep that in mind, because lord knows I spent enough time stressing out about it for the both of us before I figured out he just loved me. Period.
Find someone who likes you for you. I would start by avoiding anyone who seems obsessed or very much into your size. You want someone who loves you despite your size (big or small), not because of it.
(And as other people said, if you're not ready, why even think about it?)0 -
...I'm just not sure if I'm ready to date anyone right now.
That is your answer right there.0 -
If you're not ready, don't do it. Concentrate on you, school, fitness, etc. The rest will come in time.
^ I met my husband on a vacation when we both were 24 years old and we got married 14 months later. You never know when love is going to come to your door.0 -
Yeah....what he said. I'm 33 and am perfectly fine not dating. I'm not going to stress over it b/c then I become one of those annoying chicks that no one wantst to date. I have guys who are my friends. I have a life. I do fun things. I simply dont date. I'm ok with that. If it happens it happens.....the pot with a lid quote...true too.Basic Principles - no woman wakes up saying "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, she might say "This is a really bad time for me," or something like "I just need some space," or my personal favorite, "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? 'Cause she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly "Try harder, stupid," but which one is it? 60% of all human communication is nonverbal body language; 30% is your tone, so that means 90% of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person! She doesn't want to hurt your feelings! What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you... yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic Principles - no matter what, no matter when, no matter who... any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet; he just needs the right broom.
-Hitch0 -
Waiting to date is nothing to be ashamed of. I'm 24, and have never had a boyfriend. I've only been on a handful of dates. But that's okay. I'm not broken. There's nothing wrong with me. It's okay to wait, and it's okay to get yourself sorted out a bit first. But that doesn't mean you should automatically turn someone down in the meantime. Someone who loves you as your are right now will love you even more when you've gotten yourself together. 0
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Others have said it, but I'll add 2 things:
1) If you don't think you're ready, don't.
2) I wouldn't date until you feel good enough about yourself that if someone doesn't like you it doesn't drastically effect you. If you take it seriously (especially online dating) when someone doesn't want to start/continue dating you, it's going to be pretty rough and you'll probably derail your fitness.
For me, it helped when I realized that there are 4-5 billion women on this planet and not all of them are going to think I'm amazing. All I have to do is find the one that I'm crazy about that feels the same way. I've checked a few of them off that 4-5 billion and I'm continuing to narrow it down
Also, IMO, don't spend a ton of time with someone who isn't that into you. Just not worth it.0 -
I agree with you too!!! Whats the song quote, "she likes me for me" same goes for my feelings with a guy. He better just like me for me. Fluffy or thin, I am who I am.Others have said it, but I'll add 2 things:
1) If you don't think you're ready, don't.
2) I wouldn't date until you feel good enough about yourself that if someone doesn't like you it doesn't drastically effect you. If you take it seriously (especially online dating) when someone doesn't want to start/continue dating you, it's going to be pretty rough and you'll probably derail your fitness.
For me, it helped when I realized that there are 4-5 billion women on this planet and not all of them are going to think I'm amazing. All I have to do is find the one that I'm crazy about that feels the same way. I've checked a few of them off that 4-5 billion and I'm continuing to narrow it down
Also, IMO, don't spend a ton of time with someone who isn't that into you. Just not worth it.0 -
There's also a difference between actively dating (going out and purposefully looking for someone) and just being open if someone happens to come along. I had zero time, energy or interest in actively looking for someone during grad school -- it would've been a major distraction and it wouldn't have worked out anyway. Focus on what you need to, so if you meet someone, you'll know right away whether or not they respect your priorities.0
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Here's my take..you spend your early-mid 20s having fun
, hopefully you'll settle down by 30ish... If not, you start over at step 1. 0 -
I've been on and off many of the dating sites multiple times and to no avail. I joined meetup.com. It's not a dating site per se, but there are singles groups on it. I found a few groups in my area. I've been to a few meetups with the various groups and haven't met anyone that I want to see one on one date yet, but I have met people I'd like to be friends with. It's a low pressure way to meet people.0
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I went on a few dates via OKCupid during college, and it was not the right fit for me. I was too concentrated on school and would have had no time for a proper relationship. I met my boyfriend of 8 months at a training for teachers in our county. It kind of just fell into place. I'm 23 and he's my first boyfriend, and I met him the first time I had lost significant weight! I say waiting is okay until you find out your true you, until you feel awesome, and until you are NOT crazy busy with school!0
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So, like the quote from Hitch... either you really aren't looking to date or you are.
Don't be afraid to wait until you are ready. One of my friends was in her early 30s before she really started dating. She got set up by a friend and is now married to the guy.
I agree with the people saying to get involved in things... go find what you enjoy doing! Then when you do go on a date, you can list more interests than talking to people on myfitnesspal. 0 -
Thank you guys so much for all of your comments! Everyone brought up great points, and I'm going to spend this year focusing on school and being happy with myself, and then I'll be ready to find someone to share my life and myself with. It's all about mindset, which I don't have, but I also need to be open to it happening...I'll work on it!
I think I knew that I'm not ready for dating, but I just needed someone (or several someones) to agree that I was making the right choice :P
You're the best 0
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