Control Issues and Establishing Boundaries

UsedToBeHusky

I struggle with this concept. Big time! I don't know if I just never had a proper example of how to do this in relationships or if it is just my nature.

Anyway... obviously I have had some bad relationships. I thought I was in a good place and ready for a relationship. Things have been great, but recently, the red flags have gone up. This guy has several issues that cause him to fall into this role, and I have several issues that cause me to fall into mine.

Neither of us want to end a good thing, but is there a way to salvage this? He completely acknowledge his issues and I acknowledge mine. Couples counseling is on the table, but we are in the process of making that happen.

Anyway, between now and counseling, I am left pondering if we can really change the direction our relationship is taking. I just want some feedback on how to handle myself from here. Please, I don't want any "just break up" responses. I'm not ready to give up in anyway. I'm just looking for some help and guidance. Has anyone been able to work through control issues and make their relationship survive?

UsedToBeHusky

Bump!

Where are my armchair psychologists?

MizTerry

At least both of you are open for couples counseling. My husband never wanted to go and it's why he and I rarely get along that well.

hbrittingham

Relationship counseling is really a good way to go if you want to continue with this person. Both of you can learn new ways of communicating and aim your relationship in the direction you'd like it to go.

UsedToBeHusky

At least both of you are open for couples counseling. My husband never wanted to go and it's why he and I rarely get along that well.

Well yeah, I took it as a positive sign. I'm just really scared that our relationship is just barely holding on by a thread. I want to do something or change something to feel better about it. Of course, I know I need to talk to him and be honest with him. But I'm honestly scared the conversation might devolve into another argument. We don't argue much, but when we do, it's awful. He doesn't call me names or anything. Shouting does occur, but when we argue, I just want it to all go away.

Like I said, it's as much my issues allowing controlling behavior as it is his issues being controlling.

TallGlassOfQuirky

I think it would help if you gave us more of an idea of what you mean by "control issues" and "establishing boundaries."

For instance, I am a control freak (I get reallllly upset when things are done in a way that I would not have done them), and Tim has problems establishing boundaries (like letting his ex wife talk to him about her relationship issues). Is it like that (we are good about talking these things out and working on solutions together), or more extreme, or just completely different?

It's hard to give advice without at least a little more information.

farmers_daughter

From what I'm hearing you say....read the book Broken Toys Broken Dreams. It might be a good one for you.

Edit: Also FULLY understand, that you cannot control anything but you. You cannot ask anyone to do anything, you cannot hint, you cannot require etc etc.
All you can do is tell them what you are feeling, or when they do XYZ how it affects you. Then you must leave it completely in their hands to do something with if they want.

You must also realize where is the boundary of what you will accept. And the book above will help you determine some of the things you can accept, because as a codependent you accept way too much loose yourself and thus ruin the very relationship you are trying to "save".

It really needs to be about YOU. what do YOU want. What he wants will either match up or you will find a common ground. That sounds one sideded, but believe me, the exact same fight is on the other side of the ring, you just don't know about it, nor should you know about it. Your focus should only be on your side.

Again, the book.

UsedToBeHusky

Okay... when arguing, he makes me feel bad about things that he never mentioned bothering him before. Lately, he whines about the amount of contact we have. We talk 3 times a day on the phone, text, and see each other on the weekends and at least once during the week. He can get ragingly jealous. He always sees hidden meanings in simple things like not sitting with him in group settings.

I'm not saying that he is outwardly trying to control me. I've been in a completely controlling relationship before and this isn't even close. I'm just worried things are going to progress in that direction. He suffers from PTSD. I have been in multiple, abusive relationships so I have a natural inclination to let things go when I shouldn't.

UsedToBeHusky

From what I'm hearing you say....read the book Broken Toys Broken Dreams. It might be a good one for you.

Thanks. I was wondering if there was a book that I could read that might help me work through my own stuff.

sullus

I struggle with this concept. Big time! I don't know if I just never had a proper example of how to do this in relationships or if it is just my nature.

Anyway... obviously I have had some bad relationships. I thought I was in a good place and ready for a relationship. Things have been great, but recently, the red flags have gone up. This guy has several issues that cause him to fall into this role, and I have several issues that cause me to fall into mine.

Neither of us want to end a good thing, but is there a way to salvage this? He completely acknowledge his issues and I acknowledge mine. Couples counseling is on the table, but we are in the process of making that happen.

Anyway, between now and counseling, I am left pondering if we can really change the direction our relationship is taking. I just want some feedback on how to handle myself from here. Please, I don't want any "just break up" responses. I'm not ready to give up in anyway. I'm just looking for some help and guidance. Has anyone been able to work through control issues and make their relationship survive?

That's a lot of words without saying anything of substance. There's "issues". The relationship is taking "a direction" .. WHOSE control issues? whose boundary issues?

There is no way that anyone can give good advice based on the OP.

Best I can give from the op is: um, work on the issues?

UsedToBeHusky

I struggle with this concept. Big time! I don't know if I just never had a proper example of how to do this in relationships or if it is just my nature.

Anyway... obviously I have had some bad relationships. I thought I was in a good place and ready for a relationship. Things have been great, but recently, the red flags have gone up. This guy has several issues that cause him to fall into this role, and I have several issues that cause me to fall into mine.

Neither of us want to end a good thing, but is there a way to salvage this? He completely acknowledge his issues and I acknowledge mine. Couples counseling is on the table, but we are in the process of making that happen.

Anyway, between now and counseling, I am left pondering if we can really change the direction our relationship is taking. I just want some feedback on how to handle myself from here. Please, I don't want any "just break up" responses. I'm not ready to give up in anyway. I'm just looking for some help and guidance. Has anyone been able to work through control issues and make their relationship survive?

That's a lot of words without saying anything of substance. There's "issues". The relationship is taking "a direction" .. WHOSE control issues? whose boundary issues?

There is no way that anyone can give good advice based on the OP.

Best I can give from the op is: um, work on the issues?

I provided more specific information. I was trying to avoid the whole "one-sided story" and "just break up" type of responses.

UsedToBeHusky

Bump again. Still hoping for some enlightenment.

sullus

Okay... when arguing, he makes me feel bad about things that he never mentioned bothering him before. Lately, he whines about the amount of contact we have. We talk 3 times a day on the phone, text, and see each other on the weekends and at least once during the week. He can get ragingly jealous. He always sees hidden meanings in simple things like not sitting with him in group settings.

...

I have done each and every one of these things. (I was the one calling my wife 5x a day). Set those boundaries - if he can't change, this can't go well long-term. The raging jealousy is a big deal and either he will learn how to get over it or not. Don't give in to his insecurity on that.

You have to give a little too: The sitting together thing - I get it, and if my wife did that I would consider it a clear insult or attempt to disassociate herself from me (plus leave social basket case me miserable for the night). For that one specific thing, give in to his insecurity.

That's all I got. I was that guy. Took being an inch away from a divorce for me to man up and change.

UsedToBeHusky

Okay... when arguing, he makes me feel bad about things that he never mentioned bothering him before. Lately, he whines about the amount of contact we have. We talk 3 times a day on the phone, text, and see each other on the weekends and at least once during the week. He can get ragingly jealous. He always sees hidden meanings in simple things like not sitting with him in group settings.

...

I have done each and every one of these things. (I was the one calling my wife 5x a day). Set those boundaries - if he can't change, this can't go well long-term. The raging jealousy is a big deal and either he will learn how to get over it or not. Don't give in to his insecurity on that.

You have to give a little too: The sitting together thing - I get it, and if my wife did that I would consider it a clear insult or attempt to disassociate herself from me (plus leave social basket case me miserable for the night). For that one specific thing, give in to his insecurity.

That's all I got. I was that guy. Took being an inch away from a divorce for me to man up and change.

Thanks for the tips. I'm a bit of a social butterfly in groups. I will have to make sure I make more effort to include him in conversations and engage him in activities. To be fair, I wasn't completely ignoring him... I was just a bit drunk at the time. LOL!

As far as giving in to his insecurities, how can I avoid that? I mean, I am completely honest with him always, but he very often doesn't believe me. This is beginning to bother me. He admits that most of his reasons for not trusting me have nothing to do with me, but that doesn't really tell me how to handle these situations. It hurts my feelings to be accused of things that I would never even consider doing to him.

azrubael

The only advise I have to give is the advise given to me by a pre-marriage counselor before my wife and I got married.

"When you co-miserate with other people about your spouse all you really do is make you and your spouse miserable.
Talk to your spouse and to a counselor together and leave everyone else out of your relationship."

UsedToBeHusky

The only advise I have to give is the advise given to me by a pre-marriage counselor before my wife and I got married.

"When you co-miserate with other people about your spouse all you really do is make you and your spouse miserable.
Talk to your spouse and to a counselor together and leave everyone else out of your relationship."

Yeah, thanks. That really doesn't ease my fears or help me understand how to stop old behaviors. But thanks for stopping by.

oregonzoo

It's good he is willing to see somebody with you.

However, the controlling thing leads me to fear this is the same abusive path you have taken before. Really, life is too short for that.
See how the counseling goes, and have a totally open mind and heart(and the fact you started this thread leads me to believe it's not as open as you want it to be)..
But if it doesn't work out, you may be helped by examining your attraction to men who are this way.

UsedToBeHusky

It's good he is willing to see somebody with you.

However, the controlling thing leads me to fear this is the same abusive path you have taken before. Really, life is too short for that.
See how the counseling goes, and have a totally open mind and heart(and the fact you started this thread leads me to believe it's not as open as you want it to be)..
But if it doesn't work out, you may be helped by examining your attraction to men who are this way.

I'm not sure if they are this way or if I am doing something that causes them to become this way. That's what I'm trying to sort out.

Please explain why you feel like this thread would lead you to believe that my heart is not open. I really want this to work out. I'm scared that I am not equipped to make that happen.

So_Much_Fab

I'm not sure if they are this way or if I am doing something that causes them to become this way.

Um, no...you're not.

I have been in only one relationship where there were jealously issues (from his side). He claimed that things I said/did caused him to react that way but in reality I was simply trying to be open and transparent.

That jealousy thing is an issue and would be a big deal for me. Dude has got to have faith and trust in you and that's that. If talking about it with him doesn't help, I hope the counselling does, if you go that route. Sorry I don't have more for you other than to wish you luck. :flowerforyou:

sullus

Okay... when arguing, he makes me feel bad about things that he never mentioned bothering him before. Lately, he whines about the amount of contact we have. We talk 3 times a day on the phone, text, and see each other on the weekends and at least once during the week. He can get ragingly jealous. He always sees hidden meanings in simple things like not sitting with him in group settings.

...

I have done each and every one of these things. (I was the one calling my wife 5x a day). Set those boundaries - if he can't change, this can't go well long-term. The raging jealousy is a big deal and either he will learn how to get over it or not. Don't give in to his insecurity on that.

You have to give a little too: The sitting together thing - I get it, and if my wife did that I would consider it a clear insult or attempt to disassociate herself from me (plus leave social basket case me miserable for the night). For that one specific thing, give in to his insecurity.

That's all I got. I was that guy. Took being an inch away from a divorce for me to man up and change.

Thanks for the tips. I'm a bit of a social butterfly in groups. I will have to make sure I make more effort to include him in conversations and engage him in activities. To be fair, I wasn't completely ignoring him... I was just a bit drunk at the time. LOL!

As far as giving in to his insecurities, how can I avoid that? I mean, I am completely honest with him always, but he very often doesn't believe me. This is beginning to bother me. He admits that most of his reasons for not trusting me have nothing to do with me, but that doesn't really tell me how to handle these situations. It hurts my feelings to be accused of things that I would never even consider doing to him.

You can't fix that, he has to. Hopefully the counseling will help ..

UsedToBeHusky

Okay... thanks y'all. I appreciate it. Everyone has given me something to chew on. Even the guy that said I shouldn't talk about my relationship with anyone but my boyfriend and the counselor.

oregonzoo

It's good he is willing to see somebody with you.

However, the controlling thing leads me to fear this is the same abusive path you have taken before. Really, life is too short for that.
See how the counseling goes, and have a totally open mind and heart(and the fact you started this thread leads me to believe it's not as open as you want it to be)..
But if it doesn't work out, you may be helped by examining your attraction to men who are this way.

I'm not sure if they are this way or if I am doing something that causes them to become this way. That's what I'm trying to sort out.

Please explain why you feel like this thread would lead you to believe that my heart is not open. I really want this to work out. I'm scared that I am not equipped to make that happen.

See.. it's not right you think it's something that you are doing. It's not something you are doing.
If you really want this to work out, I hope it does. Truly.
Nothing wonderful is easy.

UsedToBeHusky

It's good he is willing to see somebody with you.

However, the controlling thing leads me to fear this is the same abusive path you have taken before. Really, life is too short for that.
See how the counseling goes, and have a totally open mind and heart(and the fact you started this thread leads me to believe it's not as open as you want it to be)..
But if it doesn't work out, you may be helped by examining your attraction to men who are this way.

I'm not sure if they are this way or if I am doing something that causes them to become this way. That's what I'm trying to sort out.

Please explain why you feel like this thread would lead you to believe that my heart is not open. I really want this to work out. I'm scared that I am not equipped to make that happen.

See.. it's not right you think it's something that you are doing. It's not something you are doing.
If you really want this to work out, I hope it does. Truly.
Nothing wonderful is easy.

So true. I fear telling him when something bothers me sometimes because I don't want to hurt his feelings. But that is my thing. I fear confrontation in relationships. I need to work on that.

Yakelmeyer

Having been in unhealthy and controlling relationships before, I can say with confidence that jealously and other similary traits or qualities are signs of insecurity which makes sense in the context of PTSD. On top of couples counseling, I recommend he see his own counselor if he isn't already. It wouldn't hurt for you to see one, too for good measure. It helps to learn about yourself and how you interact with others and can make couples counseling much more productive. I speak from experience. Good luck and remember: you're a smart girl, you can figure it out!

UsedToBeHusky

Having been in unhealthy and controlling relationships before, I can say with confidence that jealously and other similary traits or qualities are signs of insecurity which makes sense in the context of PTSD. On top of couples counseling, I recommend he see his own counselor if he isn't already. It wouldn't hurt for you to see one, too for good measure. It helps to learn about yourself and how you interact with others and can make couples counseling much more productive. I speak from experience. Good luck and remember: you're a smart girl, you can figure it out!

We both are seeing someone individually. Thanks for the input. I am trying to encourage him to get more therapy for the PTSD, but in the end, we resolved on the couples counseling. I'm going to talk to him tonight about getting that set in motion.

_Emma_Problema_

Okay... when arguing, he makes me feel bad about things that he never mentioned bothering him before. Lately, he whines about the amount of contact we have. We talk 3 times a day on the phone, text, and see each other on the weekends and at least once during the week. He can get ragingly jealous. He always sees hidden meanings in simple things like not sitting with him in group settings.

I'm not saying that he is outwardly trying to control me. I've been in a completely controlling relationship before and this isn't even close. I'm just worried things are going to progress in that direction. He suffers from PTSD. I have been in multiple, abusive relationships so I have a natural inclination to let things go when I shouldn't.

These are traits of people with BPD, which is often co-morbid with PTSD. I'm not one to diagnose someone and I really don't have the information for it, but given that I have BPD, I know that those issues are really difficult to get over and definitely require therapy. There is deep-seated insecurity and fear there. Constant mistrust, fear, and jealousy are relationship killers. I can relate to his behaviors and I would suggest you push him to see someone and not just in couples counseling. He obviously has a lot of work to do on himself.

JoRocka

How long have you been dating?

I'll be honest- if it's less than year- unless you're really really really stupidly head over heels for him- call it a day and move on.

You're dating- it should be fun- if you need counselling when you're just dating that's a sign.

I would also highly suggest reading some communication books- I read Deborah Tanner's books on You're not hearign what I'm saying (think that's what it was called) they are great. Because they don't just talk about the words- she talks about why people behave the way they do- the social bringing and implication of certain behaviors with emotions and how we express them and how we deal with people asserting themslves- or being passive aggressive.

Also check out gas-lighting- it's a passive aggressive uber manipulative thing people do. It makes me CRAZY- it makes you feel like YOU"RE the problem when you aren't. Look it up- research it. Learn how to say
"how is that comment helpful right now?" or "what does that achieve in this conversation"
I've had it done to me- made me feel awful and like it was always my fault.
Watched my friend whose a PHD in psychology get manipulated by a guy who used to do it ALL the time.
It's an extremely powerful tool people use- be aware and don't be afraid to say NO- that's not fair.

Also learn to say- I respect what you are saying- but this is how I FEEL. And I'm entitled to those feelings. Right or wrong. You have a right to them and no one can take that away from you.

Also make sure you maintain YOUR space/time- and that he has his space and time.


Sorry about the hardships- relationships- they are the hardz. and all the feelz. and issues.


(PS- it took me almost a decade to work through my first heartbreak and all the damage- 10 years- and lots of tears and really painful conversations with my current bf- god bless him. - it takes longer- much longer to heal than you think- and unfortunately it often takes a new relationship to expose some of those issues- and either they care enough to work on it- or they don't- it's a good litmus test but requires you to be open and exposed- I feel for you)

Good luck sweetie.

UsedToBeHusky

How long have you been dating?

We've been dating for 8 months. I've known him all my life though. We weren't close friends before, but I would still hate for a bad break-up to end a lifelong friendship.

I believe as long as we are both willing to do what we can to enhance and improve this relationship, then we will be okay. It's just that navigating romantic relationships kind of feels like walking in a minefield for me because I have had one failed relationship after another all my life.

JoRocka

If it makes you feel better- many people go to one "failed" relationship to the next.

But failure isn't failure just because you didn't work out.

I had to explain this one to a friend... Dating is like trying brand new jeans on...
some just seriously do not fit.
Some are really ugly
some are to 'expensive' (to much work whatever)
And some- this is the hardest category- all the rest have clear answers.
Some fit- but they still aren't the right jeans:
They fit- yes- I can put them on. And I can button them up- and yes I could buy them. But they don't make me happy. They don't make my *kitten* look amazing- and they just make me look too tall- too short- to fat- too squatty- whatever. THey fit- but they aren't the best pair for me.

But I learned something every time I tried on the jeans.
Size 2- bad size for me- dont' try that again
The blue ones with the detailing- I don't like for X reason- don't try that again
these require hand washing and dry cleaning and you can't lose the rhinestone studs on the edge or they'll cost you 50 bucks per stone to replace- okay- so no studded jeans for me- plus the are itchy and scratchy....
the other ones- well that brand with the pockets- that size is great- it's not the best fit.

So moving on- I can eliminate those things next time I try jeans on.

Same with the guys. Just because it didn't work- and things weren't the way you WANTED them to be (worst thing ever- trying jeans on- loving them -buying jeans- - washing them- getting them home and wearing them again and hating them)

But it's all more about you- and more about learning what you need and want- what you'll put up with.

(almost) EVERYONE has gone through a process like that- more people than not- you are NOT alone. And it's okay to have not had things work out- it is not a reflection on you as a person. I promise.

_Stardust_

It's good he is willing to see somebody with you.

However, the controlling thing leads me to fear this is the same abusive path you have taken before. Really, life is too short for that.
See how the counseling goes, and have a totally open mind and heart(and the fact you started this thread leads me to believe it's not as open as you want it to be)..
But if it doesn't work out, you may be helped by examining your attraction to men who are this way.

I'm not sure if they are this way or if I am doing something that causes them to become this way. That's what I'm trying to sort out.

Please explain why you feel like this thread would lead you to believe that my heart is not open. I really want this to work out. I'm scared that I am not equipped to make that happen.

See.. it's not right you think it's something that you are doing. It's not something you are doing.
If you really want this to work out, I hope it does. Truly.
Nothing wonderful is easy.

So true. I fear telling him when something bothers me sometimes because I don't want to hurt his feelings. But that is my thing. I fear confrontation in relationships. I need to work on that.

The thing about this relationship pattern is that you are the one in the center of it. There IS something about you that attracts controlling partners or develops patterns of power and control within romantic relationships. Of course that does not absolve anyone of fault or responsibility, it simply acknowledges that both parties contribute. I know in my personal life that until I deal with my own issues, I will continue to run into those same problems in any romantic relationship, regardless of who my partner is.

MityMax96

I struggle with this concept. Big time! I don't know if I just never had a proper example of how to do this in relationships or if it is just my nature.

Anyway... obviously I have had some bad relationships. I thought I was in a good place and ready for a relationship. Things have been great, but recently, the red flags have gone up. This guy has several issues that cause him to fall into this role, and I have several issues that cause me to fall into mine.

Neither of us want to end a good thing, but is there a way to salvage this? He completely acknowledge his issues and I acknowledge mine. Couples counseling is on the table, but we are in the process of making that happen.

Anyway, between now and counseling, I am left pondering if we can really change the direction our relationship is taking. I just want some feedback on how to handle myself from here. Please, I don't want any "just break up" responses. I'm not ready to give up in anyway. I'm just looking for some help and guidance. Has anyone been able to work through control issues and make their relationship survive?

You can't change him and he can't change you.

You both work on changing yourselves.....
Maybe counseling is the way to go.....